Having a Pity-Party; Everyone's Invited! (long)

libby74

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This has been bothering me for a solid month, and I can't seem to shake it off. Some of you may remember that my 20 y.o DD was dating, then engaged, to a young man who is an alcoholic. After 2 1/2 months, he called off the wedding---after another one of their fights. She told him to grow up, he told her he wasn't ready to, and that was it. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing in our family when DD wasn't around to hear it.
Within 24 hours of the breakup, she was out with another guy and has been seeing him for a month now.
During the 8 months she & the fiance were together, she put his entire family ahead of her own. She became inconsiderate and hurtful, even when her Dad and I made a conscious effort to be nice to the guy. On my birthday, while everyone else in the family was having cake at my Mom's house, DD was sitting for 2 hours at her future in-laws' house waiting for the fiance to get off work. The next day she and her attendants went on a day trip to look at gowns. I told her the MIL was going to invite herself along (I wasn't invited), but I wasn't quite right. The fiance, the FIL, and the MIL ALL went! You seriously can't imagine how upset I was.
DD lied constantly, which has always been an issue. She had her curfew shortened several times because of it, and always told the iinlaws she was in trouble for lying. The FIL, for some reason, talked her into lying about car repairs that didn't need to be done to a car that belongs to DH & me and had a non-working tail-light. When replacing the bulb didn't work, the FIL (who happens to work at a car dealership) told DD he'd get the wiring replaced for us at a discount (on a 15 year old car, mind you). But, he said, don't tell your folks about it yet. When I found out the car was in the shop, and what was planned for it, and that DD had lied to me about getting a loaner car when it was really the FIL's car---I was livid! I told her to get the car back within the hour or I'd report it stolen. When she informed the FIL of my demand, the dealership replaced a fuse at no charge and the problem was fixed.

What this is all leading up to is this: DD hurt my feelings in more ways than I thought was possible, putting the 'new family' first in every instance. When the breakup came and she was out with a new guy within 24 hours I was stunned. She had put us thru so much, and it didn't even matter. I've tried to talk to her a couple of times about this--why I'm so angry at her that I don't even want to be around her right now--and she just looks at me. I tried my best to be nice to the fiance, even tho' I knew she was making the biggest mistake of her life, because I thought she loved him and I just had to accept it. To find out that all the grief, the sleepless nights, the hurt feelings were all for a guy she got over in a day was like being kicked in teeth.
I thought she and I had always had a good relationship, that she could talk to me about anything and I'd do my best to understand and help her. When I mentioned that to her one day she said, "Maybe you thought we had a good relationship, I never thought so." Honestly, how many ways are there to hurt your Mom?

How do I get over this? If a friend had treated me the way my daughter has, I don't think I'd ever talk to them again. I've talked it over with my husband, my Mom, my best friend---they're all sympathetic, but have no real advice as to how to get back a relationship I thought was close (but apparently was wrong about that).
 

mrsgreenjeens

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Wow, quite a story! I got nothing for you, except sympathy too. I purposely chose NOT to have any children, and upon hearing your story, an doubly glad of my decision. She sounds like a brat, to which I am sure you agree. Don't get me wrong, I know you love her, but I'm guessing you don't like her much right now, am I right? And certainly there is nothing wrong with that.

My relationship with my own mother was very strained when I was a young girl and even when I first married, but as I grew older, we became very close, so there IS hope.

I would say just try to ignore her and maybe she'll come around when she's ready. Why should you put up with her nonsense in the meantime? She've obviously a grown woman, so let her live her life (as if you can stop her anyway) and get on with yours.
 
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libby74

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Originally Posted by mrsgreenjeens

She sounds like a brat, to which I am sure you agree. Don't get me wrong, I know you love her, but I'm guessing you don't like her much right now, am I right? And certainly there is nothing wrong with that. .
Right now, I agree; I just don't like her much. The thing is, I used to tell people that I couldn't have asked for a better daughter. Lately, she's turned into someone I don't care for. DH keeps telling me to just ignore her for now, that eventually she'll get her head out of her rear end and start acting like our daughter again. It breaks my heart that things have progressed to this point.
 

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I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this and I hope there's someway to make it better, unfortunately with a child like that there really is none. She obviously doesn't care for you, or your feelings, and since there doesn't seem to be many consequences applied to her (other than raising curfew) she really wont care to "adjust her attitude". A few questions though, how old is she? If she's under 18 I'd be way more strick with her, especially as far as allowing her out of the home, ect, goes. If she's over 18, and insists on being disrespectful to you, I'm sorry but I, personally, would tell her she either respected me, my home and my rules, then she can leave my home.
 

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I'm sorry you are hurting.


How old is she? Since she has a curfew I'm going to assume she's very young and has not fully matured yet. Kids have a way of pulling back while they are trying to figure out their lives and who they are, and they generally come back when they realize that they didn't know everything and have fences to mend. It's normal, but that doesn't mean it isn't hurtful.

Hang in there and don't try so hard. Go about your life and let her live hers. We can love our children without liking them all of the time.
 
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libby74

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Originally Posted by jenwales

How old is she? Since she has a curfew I'm going to assume she's very young and has not fully matured yet.
DD will be 21 next month; she has a curfew because she is very immature (which should be obvious after reading the first post). She constantly says 'there's nothing to do around this town after midnight' so her Dad tells her 'that's why you have a midnight curfew'. She pays $120 a month for rent and internet, which she thinks is unfair. I've told her if she can find somewhere else to live for that price she's welcome to leave. When she was driving our car it was a lot easier to curtail her activities. She bought her own car in March (which I co-signed for, like a good Mom) so she comes and goes as she pleases for the most part.

I know I'm probably worrying about this way too much, but I'm one of those people who wear their heart on their sleeve. DD has learned what to say and do to hurt me and, unfortunately, she knows when she's hit her mark. I'm very obvious about my feelings. She truly didn't start being this hurtful and inconsiderate until she started going out with the former fiance. I just don't know what's happened to her.
 

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Shes 21. More than old enough to look after herself. I'd tell her, there is the door, either respect me and my rules or find your own place to stay.

She'll come crawling back quick enough when she realises how good she has had it. $120 a month?? Thats soooooooooo good, and no doubt she gets many other benefits from living at home.

Very sorry that you've been treated like this.

Like you said, if a friend did this to you, you would probably never speak to them again - Well, time to tell your daughter to go and look after herself.
 

dusty's mom

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Originally Posted by libby74

DD will be 21 next month; she has a curfew because she is very immature (which should be obvious after reading the first post). She constantly says 'there's nothing to do around this town after midnight' so her Dad tells her 'that's why you have a midnight curfew'. She pays $120 a month for rent and internet, which she thinks is unfair. I've told her if she can find somewhere else to live for that price she's welcome to leave. When she was driving our car it was a lot easier to curtail her activities. She bought her own car in March (which I co-signed for, like a good Mom) so she comes and goes as she pleases for the most part.

I know I'm probably worrying about this way too much, but I'm one of those people who wear their heart on their sleeve. DD has learned what to say and do to hurt me and, unfortunately, she knows when she's hit her mark. I'm very obvious about my feelings. She truly didn't start being this hurtful and inconsiderate until she started going out with the former fiance. I just don't know what's happened to her.
Is she going to school? Does she have a full time job? Does she pay for her own cell phone? You may think I'm a bit harsh, but she is legally, if not technically, an adult. If she isn't going to school, and if she is unwilling to live by YOUR rules in YOUR house, then it is time for her to act like a grown up and get her own place! You owe her absolutely nothing in the way of money. You tell her that you will always love her, but since she obviously wants to do things her way, then it is time for her to leave the nest. There is no negotiating here. And no more co-signing!!! My guess is that after she has a chance to experience life as an "adult" she will be much more willing to cooperate with your rules should you ever decide to take her back into your home. Do not compromise with her! It is your home. You make the rules. If she complains to you that she is an adult and can do what she pleases, then just give her a date that she must leave or face collecting her belongings on the front porch.
 
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libby74

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Originally Posted by Dusty's Mom

Is she going to school? Does she have a full time job? Does she pay for her own cell phone? .
She does have a full time job; she dropped out of the local community college a couple of months after meeting the fiance. I can't hold him responsible for that; she's the one that stopped doing her homework and started skipping classes. She does pay for her phone, her car, and insurance herself. She can be responsible when it's in her own best interest.

And no more co-signing!!!
I got roped into that one. When she bought the car, the fiance co-signed because I told her flat-out that I wouldn't do it. When I looked at the loan paperwork, I discovered he was listed as a co-owner of the car! I tried explaining that to her, but of course she wouldn't believe me. After the break-up, the bf was adamant that his name be taken off the loan; he didn't realize that he was a co-owner, either. By then, it was either co-sign for her or let her lose the car. BTW---I'm not a co-owner; I'm just responsible if she can't pay.


I don't think anyone is being too harsh; in fact, I've often been accused of being too strict with DD! Like I said, I don't know why her attitude has changed so much. She acts as if I'm the enemy, and I don't like it.
 

natalie_ca

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First of all you should be secretly celebrating that she isn't marrying that idiot!

The fact that she's out with another guy a day after ending a relationship where she was to marry the love of her life is frightening. She seriously lacks good judgment.

That being said, you need to put a stop to her belittling you and abusing you the way she has been, and that is exactly what has been happening. She is abusing you!!

She lives at home. Takes advantage of you financially. I bet you still cook and do her laundry?

Time for her to grow up.

Time for her to move out and make her own way in this world for good or for bad.

Tell her that you are tired of her irresponsible behaviour. That you are tired of the way that she has been treating you and your husband. Tell her that you feel for the better of your relationships at this point, that it's best if she moves out on her own now.

You have done all you can for her. You raised her into adult hood. You instilled morals and manners, regardless of how well she learned them. All you can do is hope that she makes enough mistakes in her life that she will stop burning herself.

There is nothing more you can do other than to push her out of the nest and let her spread her wings and try life on her own.

You might now like what I had to say, but it's advice from the heart. Sometimes tough love is the best love you can give someone; it can make a person grow up very quickly.
 

ut0pia

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Originally Posted by jane_vernon

Shes 21. More than old enough to look after herself. I'd tell her, there is the door, either respect me and my rules or find your own place to stay.

She'll come crawling back quick enough when she realises how good she has had it. $120 a month?? Thats soooooooooo good, and no doubt she gets many other benefits from living at home.

Very sorry that you've been treated like this.

Like you said, if a friend did this to you, you would probably never speak to them again - Well, time to tell your daughter to go and look after herself.

I agree, I just don't think there is any way of getting over this with her living at your house. Even though she may follow your rules she disrespects you by lying to you, and all the other ways she disrespected you when she had that fiancÃ[emoji]169[/emoji], and that is an even bigger reason to ask her to leave than if she broke one of the house rules or her curfew. And I think the curfew is just a joke to her, it's not hard for someone to come home by a certain time, I don't have a curfew and I'm almost always at home before midnight, because I have work the next day...So what exactly is the point of the curfew??? I feel like it does nothing but increase tension between you and give her even a bigger reason to want to spite you like it seems she is doing.
IMO she has to separate herself from you and her dad, live by her own rules and her own rules only(and get all the consequences she deserves for her behavior that aren't coming from you and her dad) and only then will she understand why parents are important in your life
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by libby74

it was either co-sign for her or let her lose the car. BTW---I'm not a co-owner; I'm just responsible if she can't pay.
You should have let her lose the car! In her eyes, she's a responsible adult.

You need to stop enabling her and stop bailing her out!
 
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libby74

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

First of all you should be secretly celebrating that she isn't marrying that idiot!

The fact that she's out with another guy a day after ending a relationship where she was to marry the love of her life is frightening. She seriously lacks good judgment.

.
We celebrate daily, believe me.

DD has had 2 'soulmates' in the past 10 months; one of them she went out with half a dozen times. She definitely lacks good judment.
And I think the curfew is just a joke to her, it's not hard for someone to come home by a certain time, I don't have a curfew and I'm almost always at home before midnight, because I have work the next day...So what exactly is the point of the curfew???
If she didn't have a curfew, she would be out until dawn; I have no doubt of that. While I understand that (I was, after all, her age many years ago), it worries me sick. She is all of 4'11" tall and 95 lbs, and thinks she can handle anyone in any situation. She got off work last Friday night/Saturday morning at 4 a.m. (that's the only night she doesn' have a midnight curfew) She then decided to ride around town for an hour and a half before she came home (or so she said). I've tried to tell her how much things like that worry me, but it doesn't matter. She's tough---she can handle herself.

Honestly, I'm at the point where I wish she would move out and get her own place. I've talked to DH about it, and he doesn't like the idea. He's afraid she'd run up debts she couldn't pay, hook up with the wrong people (as if she hasn't done that already), and ruin her life. I try to tell him "it's her life, she needs to learn to take care of herself." And I know there would be loads less tension in the house if she were to move. I just hate to kick her out. Now, if she decided to do it on her own, I'd be a happy camper.
 

p&r

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Wow, 21 and she's only giving you 120 a month and complaining it's too much? I'm sorry but at this point in time I'd tell her it's time that she moves on and out the nest. Good luck!
 

emrldsky

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Nuh uh...might give me away!
You said it was recently that she began acting out of character? That alarms me more than anything! Are you sure she's not doing drugs or anything? I mean, she could be hiding it well. My cousin sure did. Most children act out in the mid-teens, rarely do they begin acting out this late in the game (in my experience).

Whatever happens, whatever goes on, I wish you the best. When I was her age, I actually did live on my own (in an apartment, while I was away at college, and I was completely moved out) but when I visited for holidays (usually less than a week at a time), I still had a midnight curfew. Then again, my parents DO live in a fairly dangerous city. :/
 

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I agree with most everyone here. I say you tell her either she better get a different attitude and start respecting you, or she can find a new place to live.

It is gonna make you crazy, and then you and your husband might start having problems.

If she gets out and on her own, paying all the bills and everything else that comes along with that, she will soon realize that she had it really good at home.

My children were NEVER allowed to disrespect me and my husband, nor did they really ever try. I was not raised that way and neither were they.

I hope everything works out for you.
 
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libby74

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Originally Posted by LSULOVER

My children were NEVER allowed to disrespect me and my husband, nor did they really ever try. I was not raised that way and neither were they.
Believe me, DD wasn't riased that way, either. You wouldn't believe how many parents of her friends have told us what a great kid she is. When the fiance made a couple of rude, ridiculous comments about her Dad and me, she defended us.

[You said it was recently that she began acting out of character? That alarms me more than anything! Are you sure she's not doing drugs or anything?/QUOTE]

I honestly don't think so. She would get very upset when the fiance drank, altho' that may just have been because he was lying to her about it. (funny how she can lie to me so easily, but can't take it when someone lies to her)

She acts as if she's 16 instead of almost 21; every guy she goes out with is her soulmate and she's making wedding plans. In the past, I've been the protective Mom, asking every question you can thnk of---where does he work, who are his folks, etc. With the guy she's gone into this rebound relatioinship with, I've only asked what his last name is. I know this puzzles her because it's so out of character for me. I've gotten to the point where I just don't care to know anything about her soulmate of the month. If I found out he was an ax murderer, she'd be convinced she could change him, just like she thought she could change the last guy. I've decided not to make myself crazy trying to talk some sense into her. I also avoid her as much as possible; I usually leave the house before she gets up and come back after she's gone to work. I go to bed before she gets home just so I don't have to talk to her. I hate feeling this way! She's my only child, and I feel a chasm opening up that I don't know how to bridge. I told her the other day that I would never forget how she's treated me---never. Her response was 'just let it go, Mom'. Not "wow, Mom, I'm so sorry" or "I didn't mean to hurt you". It was as if she was making light of the whole situation and totally unconcerned about it. I guess I never knew she could be so cold and unfeeling.
 

threecatowner

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This is so sad. Reading this, I kinda figured she was an only child - I've dealt with many very young only children in my childcare business, and they can't help but be more self-absorbed than kids who have siblings. It just is.

That being said, I don't have any great advice. Just feel better vibes:

I have a 15 year old daughter (middle child with two brothers), and I know how hurt and sick I'd be if she ever started acting this way toward me. It could still happen. We moms have so many hopes and dreams for our little girls when they're born, and when they turn out differently, it's agonizing.

Hold your head up, take a deep breath, and try to ride this thing out. Maybe gently suggest she might be happier if she tries to move out on her own? Accept all the comfort and support you can from your husband, mom, and best friend. I really hope you get through this sad time quickly.
 

whisky'sdad

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Time to listen to this advice...

IT IS TIME FOR HER TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! Sure, you will feel guilty about it, but she has it made at home...Do you do her laundry? Cook her food? Clean up after her? Why in the world would she leave on her own when she has it made! She only pays $120 a month for rent and internet!

Tell her...SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT!

Don't be like another thread and wait a year or so before doing anything.

Oh, and get off the car loan! Tell her she needs to find someone else...

Good luck!
 
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libby74

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Originally Posted by Whisky'sDad

Time to listen to this advice...

Do you do her laundry? Cook her food? Clean up after her?
No, no, and no.

She uses our washer and dryer, yes, but she does her own laundry. I refuse to do it. In fact, if I need to use them and her clothes are in there (it sometimes takes her days to empty the machines) I just dump them back in the dirty laundry pile.

She has a terrible habit of stopping after work and buying food for herself at the grocery store. She works fast food and can eat free but insists on blowing $10 a night to buy something. She was coming home, cooking at 1 a.m. and leaving the mess behind. After telling her a few times to clean up her mess before she goes to bed, and having her ignore me, I'd had it. I finally told her 'the next time I get up and find a mess from the night before I will drag your butt out of bed and you will clean it up. I don't care if it's 6 a.m., you WILL be doing the dishes.' There hasn't been a mess since.


Let me point out---I am NOT a push-over and never have been. My own Mom has told me "I think you're being too strict". DD knows that as long as she's in our home it's our rulesand she does follow the rules. It's the attitude that has turned nasty. I understand her testing the boundaries and trying to act like a big grown-up girl, and at almost 21 she should be grown up. But she's not. Last July she went on vacation with her Dad and grandparents; she called me twice a day, every day, just to talk and see how I was. She used to be a caring, considerate young lady; now she's self-centered, thoughtless, and downright hurtful. It's as if she's a teenager, altho' she didn't act like this when she was.

Sometimes I wonder if she resents the fact that her Dad and I (and my Mom) were so very right about the former fiance. She and my Mom used to be so close; DD would stop by Mom's house a couple of times a week just to visit with her. Now she might go once a month, and I know it hurts her Grandma. I know she began lying to her Grandma while she was dating the guy, too. I imagine DD is embarrassed by the whole thing.

I know most everyone here thinks I should tell her to pack her bags; DH will not let me do that, and I'm not going to fight with him about it. On the one hand, things would be so much easier if she moved out. On the other hand, how does the situation get better if she's not here? I've tried talking to her a couple of times in the last month and I just don't get much of a response from her. When I told her she had no idea how much she'd hurt her Dad and me, she answered, " I didn't hurt Dad; it was just you." Gee, how did I get so lucky? As I said before, it's as if she knows how to hurt me and, for some reason, she's decided to do it.
 
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