Hanzee Crossed The Bridge 11/13/17. Overwhelming Grief.

aquisces

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Hi all. This is my first post on this website... this is regrettable, because I wish I had had a presence here when my little man was healthy, but I didn't know about these forums. :( I need to talk about Hanzee, my short time with him, and my feelings about his passing. This is very long. I'm sorry.

I adopted Hanzee in February of 2017. I saw his picture on the humane society's website, under the name they gave him, Sparrow. Although full-grown, an estimated 10 years old, he was tiny; he had a crinkly ear from a past hematoma, was missing tufts of hair all over his body, had only four teeth, and a recently removed ulcer on his tongue that left it scarred for the rest of his little life. He had been brought in off the streets in December of 2016, and had lived in the infirmary at the humane society for the two months he was there due to recurring respiratory infections, which turned out to be feline herpes... needless to say, the little dude had issues. Something about this little guy pulled at my heart strings though, and I had to meet him. I went to the shelter, I walked out to the infirmary building with an employee, and met him. He purred and he drooled all over us as we petted him, and he smacked at us through the bars when we closed his kennel door (the first indicator of what I would come to know and love as his very cantankerous, semi-feral personality). I adopted him a week later, after prepping my apartment for his arrival.

I lived 8.5 months with him, went through college graduation, marriage, moving, and separation with him at my side. He was my little feisty companion. After graduation, about 6 months into his time with us, we learned that he was in stage 3 kidney failure. We knew that this would not reverse, but we had the, I thought, reasonable expectation that he would live at least another year or two with special foods, medications, subq fluids. Instead, after a couple of months, he declined rapidly, starting about a week and a half ago. He lost a pound each week, and was only 3.5lbs when I had him put to sleep yesterday evening. He would no longer eat, and laid in my bed all day. He would get up to use the litter box and occasionally drink some water, after which he would immediately return to the bed, wobbling as he walked, barely making the jump onto the bed. He had one accident a few days ago in which he simply peed where he was laying on the bed. While I already knew he was nearing the end, this, along with the fact that he no longer met me at the door, no longer purred, no longer did much of anything, was a heartbreaking sign that his time had come. Giving him a peaceful end to this suffering was the most loving thing I could do for him. Rather than stick him in the carrier, I held him in my arms when we took him to the vet yesterday. He didn't squirm, growl, smack at me anymore, as he had in his hateful prime. I knew he wouldn't try to escape.

The vet confirmed what I already knew, that this was the kindest decision for him, and it was one last gift I could give him, after giving him his (I assume) first and only home, and the best care possible. I chose not to watch the process. I had already seen all of the light leave him, and I didn't want to be there when the last bit of life did too. I paid for a private cremation. I get his ashes back later this week in a little, wooden box with a leaf pattern carved on the top. I plan on having a bit of his ashes made into a ring, so that I have something pretty to keep a bit of him with me all the time.

I know this was the right thing to do, but I am heartbroken. I feel almost ashamed to be so overwhelmed by grief when other accounts I have read about cats crossing the rainbow bridge had been with their humans their whole life, and I was only with my little man for 8.5 months. But he captured my heart nonetheless. While I don't feel guilty, I also feel sad that he was only around 10 years old instead of fulfilling a more full 15 year lifespan. I hope he does not think that I gave up on him. I just couldn't let him waste away and hurt until he died on his own, which would have almost certainly happened only a week or two down the road. I am processing a lot of hurt emotions. Does this sound similar to your feelings when you lost your baby?
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LoriaBelle

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Time doesn't really come into it when a cat has your heart, I lost my Callum in the early hours of this morning (I also wrote a post today after joining up just to vent), he was my partners cat but we've had a bond the last 2 years and the grief I am experiencing today is unlike anything I've felt before. My thoughts are with you <3
 

Kitty Mommy

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I'm glad you found this site. My heart goes out to you on the loss of your beloved Hanzee. Even though it was a short time you shared your love with him and I believe he knew it. You gave him a loving home and he didnt have to spend his remaining time in a shelter. I love the photos you posted. I can see his personality in them. You not only gave him a loving home you also gave him peace when he needed you and his spirit will always be with you. Everything you are feeling is normal. I lost my Tiger recently and it still hurts every day but it will get better and it will get better for you too in time. I'm sending hugs to you and little Hanzee :alright:
 

Shane Kent

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Sorry for the loss of your handsome boy Hanzee. You are a beautiful person for taking him in. I had two little buddies pass away at approximately 16 years of age and I don't think it would have been any easier if I had them only for a short time. 8 months or 16 years it is extremely difficult to lose a loved one.
 

les26

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He doesn't think that you gave up on him, he KNOWS that you helped him, took him in when no one else would have, gave him a WONDERFUL time with you albeit a short one, you loved him and he you, you have no regrets and should be complimented for loving him and caring for him! What you are feeling is normal, the stress and grief of losing him can affect you both physically and mentally, and takes a long time to disappear enough that you can deal with it but you will.

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you for what you did for one of God's little creatures.....:alright: :grouphug: :rbheart:
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Hanzee, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Oh, my dear. I am so sorry. No, the fact that you only knew him for months doesn't make your loss one little bit less. But I will tell you this, you were an angel in the life of a cat who did not know, until you, what "love" and "home" could be. I think, so deeply that I almost know, that he blessed every minute of his time with you, and had he the choice, he'd have lived those months with you 1000 times, rather than have years ahead without you. Love does not die, you know. It changes form, and stays with us. He is near.
 

mrsgreenjeens

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What a handsome boy your Hanzee was, crinkled ear and all. And, yes, all your feelings are spot on :hugs:. I've had three cats die from kidney disease so far, and it never gets any easier. As Shane Kent stated, their length of time with us doesn't matter, a week, a year, 10 years, once they've wrapped their little paws around our hearts, that's it. When they're gone, the loss seems unbearable. But the old saying is true, time does heal old wounds. Some day you'll think of Hanzee and remember him with a smile rather than tears.

Run free at the bridge, :rbheart: Hanzee :rbheart:
 

Antonio65

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It doesn't matter if you shared 8 hours, 8 months or 8 years with a cat. Pain and love can't be measured with time.
What matters is that you loved each other, though Hanzee loved you his way.
He doesn't think you gave up on him, someway he had you know and understand it was time for him to go and you did what you had to do.
Every emotion you are feeling and experiencing now is normal. They could linger for days, or even months.
I lost my sweet Lola in March, but I haven't gotten over it yet and she's still my first thought in the morning and the last one of the day, like she had been for her 16 years and 11 months with me.
You will never forget Hanzee, he will never forget you.

Hanzee had the same crinkly ear that a cat I rescued and rehomed has, and the same tabby coat.
Hanzee had the same poking out tongue that my Tom had, because he was missimg most of his teeth.
Hanzee was simply beautiful!

Hugs!
 

Loving Mickey

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Oh , what a beautiful kitty! I just love his little crinkled ear , I truly do! He looks so sweet looking.
I am truly sorry for your loss! Yes as others have stated , it does not matter if they are in your life for one day , one week , one year or more. Once a kitty has won your heart and you theirs , that is it. That is love , pure and simple. Hanzee was a sweet and special kitty and he was loved. You showed him love and he loved you in return. You will never forget your sweet boy , and you would never want to. He is in your heart and will remain there always. I only hope that one day you can remember your sweet Hanzee with more smiles than tears.
My heart is with you!
RIP Precious Hanzee!
You were so loved and will always be missed!
Please comfort the one who misses you so very much!
Always watch over your loved one!
 

di and bob

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Sometimes we gain a little one in our lives that somehow worms their way into our hearts faster and deeper then we would have ever thought possible. That 8.5 months meant more to him than you will ever know. He found care and a wonderful home and the love of someone who truly cared. He could ask for no more. You gave that little boy everything he ever wanted, and more, you will be blessed for taking him in and making his last months so beautiful and full of love. You did exactly right, that sweet boy died with dignity, surrounded by your love, with his last thoughts full of the wonder of these last months. You gave him everything.
The bond you forged with him will be with you forever, love is spiritual so eternal. Try to remember the good he brought into your life, not the sad end.He would never want you to be sad because of him. He came into your life for a reason, it was meant to be. And you did good. Now, go forward and pass on his legacy of love, like a mother with several children, each one is unique and precious. And do it in his name.
My heart goes out to you, I know the emptiness that comes with the pain, know we are here for support when you need us, you are a good person that is hurting and needs the understanding of your pain to begin the long road to healing taht broken heart. Take care.....RIP beautiful Hanzee, you will never be forgotten. You left your mark in this world, and on the heart of of the one who misses you so very much. Go gently into the night little one, sleep tight!
 
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