grieving for River

whitebird

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Hello. I'm new here. I'm reaching out because my heart is so heavy that I need to share with anyone who can understand.

I've been feeding a young cat I named River for over a year. She lived behind a Sonoco service station. I had her spayed, vaccs and returned her to this not so safe area with lots of traffic passing through it's lot.
I didn't like putting her back in this situation but thought this is what you do with TNR cats...it's what she knows.

I was always worried about her but got used to the idea and she was always there, ready to eat. Store employees were also giving her food...she was one pudgy little feral.

I got attached to her. I never could touch her but she would eat with me sitting closeby. After she was finished she would sometimes roll around and twist on her back. She was just precious.

About two weeks+ ago she didn't come up to feed and then no River thereafter despite my calls. She always came up, sometimes a little slow to show up but always did. Until she didn't.

Today I made the brilliant decision to walk into the woods to look for her...there she was, her little body ravaged by the elements. All that was left was her ears, fur, her precious little paws but I could tell it was River. It looks like she had been there all along.

My heart is hurting so much for her...did she suffer horribly before she died when I could have helped her?

I had reached out to a guy whom I met months ago at the station...he does TNR.
He was helping me feed her periodically since he lived close however when I asked him if he'd seen her, that I hadn't seen her for over a week he said he hadn't been there in a while to feed but that he heard animal control was cracking down on the area. What? Do they poison cats? She had an ear clip and there isn't a lot of ferals right in that area. Regardless she was either poisoned by someone or more than likely run over. This just makes me ill to think about. And so so sad for the pain she may have gone through.

I had this precious cat spayed, vaccs, fed her and watched out for her....got attached to her sweetness and appreciated her wild ways only to release her back to a horrific death. Were the months she had worth this ending?

I'm not cut out for this. I'm not sure it's right. PETA doesn't endorse TNR probably for this very reason. But how many of us could just round them up and euthanize them? I couldn't. But returning them exposes them to possible suffering and agonizing deaths.

How do you deal with this dilemna and the emotional toll when you find a perfect little feline you've cared for, nurtured and loved, dead in the woods in her little spot?

heartbroken in Texas,
vicki
 

Furballsmom

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Hello, and I'm glad you're here.

Try to think about it from a different perspective, that she had your care, your love and the fact that you brought her to the point that she was comfortable enough to relax in your presence. You gave her that.

It's impossible to know what happened, it could have been any number of things.

The emotional toll is a rough one that we pay for loving them, but I think our lives would be less for not knowing them.

Maybe these will help a bit;

Lend Me A Kitten

Grieving
 

Micaela227

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I'm so sorry for your loss.
I know that is hard, not really knowing what happened to her, and the guilt you feel for no being able to help her. But remember that you did everything in your control to help her, to feed her, to keep her happy and healthy. Even if she is gone now, you saved her life, and i'm sure she loved you for it.
My advice is, stop thinking about how she could have died. You won't never know for sure, and it's not good for you.
Good luck xoxo
 
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whitebird

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Hello. I'm new here. I'm reaching out because my heart is so heavy that I need to share with anyone who can understand.

I've been feeding a young cat I named River for over a year. She lived behind a Sonoco service station. I had her spayed, vaccs and returned her to this not so safe area with lots of traffic passing through it's lot.
I didn't like putting her back in this situation but thought this is what you do with TNR cats...it's what she knows.

I was always worried about her but got used to the idea and she was always there, ready to eat. Store employees were also giving her food...she was one pudgy little feral.

I got attached to her. I never could touch her but she would eat with me sitting closeby. After she was finished she would sometimes roll around and twist on her back. She was just precious.

About two weeks+ ago she didn't come up to feed and then no River thereafter despite my calls. She always came up, sometimes a little slow to show up but always did. Until she didn't.

Today I made the brilliant decision to walk into the woods to look for her...there she was, her little body ravaged by the elements. All that was left was her ears, fur, her precious little paws but I could tell it was River. It looks like she had been there all along.

My heart is hurting so much for her...did she suffer horribly before she died when I could have helped her?

I had reached out to a guy whom I met months ago at the station...he does TNR.
He was helping me feed her periodically since he lived close however when I asked him if he'd seen her, that I hadn't seen her for over a week he said he hadn't been there in a while to feed but that he heard animal control was cracking down on the area. What? Do they poison cats? She had an ear clip and there isn't a lot of ferals right in that area. Regardless she was either poisoned by someone or more than likely run over. This just makes me ill to think about. And so so sad for the pain she may have gone through.

I had this precious cat spayed, vaccs, fed her and watched out for her....got attached to her sweetness and appreciated her wild ways only to release her back to a horrific death. Were the months she had worth this ending?

I'm not cut out for this. I'm not sure it's right. PETA doesn't endorse TNR probably for this very reason. But how many of us could just round them up and euthanize them? I couldn't. But returning them exposes them to possible suffering and agonizing deaths.

How do you deal with this dilemna and the emotional toll when you find a perfect little feline you've cared for, nurtured and loved, dead in the woods in her little spot?

heartbroken in Texas,
vicki
I would like the feral cat folks to see my post for their input. I would value their thoughts on the TNR dilemnas. Can it be moved back?
 

di and bob

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I have taken care of so many little lost ones, feral and stray, and have lost almost every one of them over the years. Most due to the busy road, a couple to predators, and a few to birthing problems. I have so many little graves around here.......
Yes, it does take a toll, my heart aches when I think of each and every one of them, especially how they were, so happy to be cared for and loved. I had many of them spayed and neutered, I did all I could to make their lives a little easier. My husband has cried right alongside me, especially with the kittens, and has always said, "we tried, but you can't save them all".
Of course it hurts. You let that little girl worm her way into your heart. You envisioned her life turning out in a much different way, and now that dream is shattered. The only thing to do is to realize you did what you could. You loved her and for her that was her everything. Life and nature are cruel to those outside and trying to survive. Though you can't help it, it does not help to go through all those should haves, could haves, or speculate on how and why she died. It brings nothing but heartache because you will never know. It could have been anything from a heart defect to predators to a car to uncaring humans. Try to concentrate on her life, not her death. Do not make her death more important than her life. That is no kind of legacy. Her legacy should be made of your precious memories, of her twisting on her back in joy, of her greeting you to be fed, of her love for you for being a human who cared, who returned her love. You will always have that love in your soul. no one, not even death can take that away from you. "Death cannot take that which never dies.".
You made her life easier, you gave her caring and affection. Think that she may never have known that at all in her life. Now she will live on through you in your memories. Share her love as it is meant to be. Pass it on to another and allow it to grow and blossom. go on and live your life as she would want, in happiness and seeking its beauty. As you would want for her if you were the first to go. Because she will always be bound to your soul, she will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers. And just as it has been for millions of years, life goes on and is too precious, as your little girl knew, to waste on sadness and tears. To be remembered and loved is the greatest honor any of us could wish for. You will do that for her. do good in her name, and when your heart goes out to that next little one in need, and it will because you have a good heart, do good in her name. she is at peace because of you.......
My heart goes out to you. I know how much this hurts. You never get over it, you learn to live with it and try to make things better in the future. Take care......RIP beautiful River. you will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 

Norachan

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I'm so sorry to hear things ended this way.

:hugs:

I care for a colony of semi feral cats too. I lost so many of them on the road, even though I lived in a quiet village, and a few to other predators. Eventually I was fortunate enough to find a house with a large piece of land and moved as many of them to live with me as I could gather. Even though they live in a safe enclosure and can come in and out of my house as they please they're never entirely safe. I've lost a few to old age or illness over the past couple of years.

I think that caring for and loving another being is always tainted with this kind of heart break. No matter what we do everyone dies, but that doesn't make their life any less meaningful.

River only lived for a short time, but she had a much more comfortable life than she would have done thanks to your efforts. You protected her from getting sick, you made sure she was well fed. You cared about her and got to know her sweet little quirks. You saved her from the fate of producing litter after litter of kittens, which is what many feral cats have to go through.

I can understand the doubts your having now, but I think it was worth it. Releasing a cat back outside might not be the perfect option, but I believe it's better than euthanising them just because there's no home for them to go to.

Try not to focus so much on the end of her life, but on all the happy moments she had before she died. She must have had moments of dozing in the sun, strolling through her woods, being fed and admired by the people who knew her. Doesn't that make it worth while?
 

les26

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I am sorry for your loss, God Bless you for taking care of her, just think if she hadn't had you what her life would've been like?

The others on here have said it well. We have also lost some that we used to take care of right outside of our house years ago, that's when we decided to bring as many inside as we could so we didn't have to worry about them out there. It's been a crazyhouse for the last 9 years or so but they are inside and safe, but of course not every outside cat can be brought in nor does it want to come in, but these did.

I am sorry for your loss and feel your heartbreak. Ignatia Amara is a homeopathic remedy that can help with sudden grief, shock and trauma, I have used it in those times and it helped my body adapt to it and there are no drug like side effects, perhaps it could help you too.

She is fine now, not like when you found her, just fine, happy, healthy, well cared for, and when you see her again one day she will rub up against your leg and say "THANK YOU for taking care of me!!!!" and it will be tears of joy when you meet again....

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

I am sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless..... :alright: :grouphug2::rbheart:
 
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whitebird

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wow, thank you for all the loving and wise sentiments...I really needed it. It's very hard to not see over and over how little River ended up...she was so beautiful and full of life. What a harsh reality.
But your own experiences though so unfortunate in themselves help me know I'm not alone in the anguish. It's not something we want to have to share but there's comfort in it somehow.

I tried to attach a little video of River but it has a mp4 extension which isn't allowed.
 

jefferd18

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I have my own thoughts about TNR that I won't share here, but I will share what I felt you gave River

You gave her love when very few would give her the time of day. You gave her a feeling of security and trust, for I doubt that many feral cats would eat right next to a human. You spared her a life of being tied down by kittens, of having to wander for a male cat, or hunt for her next meal . She was freed of disease and illness, thanks to your love and kindness. No living creature is guaranteed tomorrow, not even indoor kitties.

The healing process will happen when you get to the point of celebrating the life you two had together and not focusing on the manner of her death. It will take some time, but you will get there. I promise.
 
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whitebird

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It's not the video I wanted to share but it is one of the very first pics I took of her and where she lived. If you can zoom in on that little black figure by the wall....that's River!💓
 
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whitebird

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Thank you Jerrerd18 and for your sweet words.
I am curious what your thoughts are on TNR because hearing others input and experiences help me make informed decisions. Obviously I'm struggling with it.
Is there a way we can connect?
 

fionasmom

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I am so sorry for your loss. Others have said what I would as well....you need to remember her life and not her death. She was much luckier than many ferals thanks to your care and love for her and lived her feral life as well as any could, given that it is precarious by the very nature of what it is.

It seems to me as if River was a feral who was not going to be adaptable to the life of a pet cat. Many are not and that is why TNR is done. If a cat is actually rescued and rehomed, it is no longer TNR which is in its own category of animal welfare.

Having said that, TNR requires a slightly different mindset than rescue. It is entirely possible that one day a cat will not return, that the latest time you see a colony member may be the last time you will ever see that cat. Dangers of the outdoors from predators, vehicles, animal control in places where TNR is not supported, or people are a constant threat.

It is not possible to domesticate all ferals, including feral kittens, despite the fact that some groups will insist that it is. I have had entire litters where one cat crossed over to pet territory and the rest remained part of wildlife. It is very hard to deal with all these variables and exceptionally hard to deal with the loss of the one that we became fond of.

Of the true ferals that I have TNRed, at least half simply never appeared again one day. But I have to make myself remember that their lives were made better by the fact that the never had to mate, care for kittens while they themselves were starving, and that they had food and shelter at all times.

The reason that The Cat Site has a whole separate forum for strays and ferals is that it is entirely different from other sorts of cat care, or animal care.
 

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Rest you gentle, River, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on more hearts than ever you knew existed, forever.

What good does it do? Well, there are many pros and cons that can be discussed, but if NOTHING ELSE, there was no litter of homeless, helpless kittens left behind. No more kittens born into a harsh reality of feral life. Ideally, we would gentle and home ALL of these cats, but we do what we can. And you did very well by River. Her life was short, but so much better for having you in it. You did well by her. Very well, indeed. Now, in That Place Where All Is Known, she blesses you for your love, and sends hers back to you. Those of us who work with ferals know heartbreak, and we are with you.
 
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whitebird

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Thank you all...you've reached into my heart, we share in the pain, the love for River and all the beautiful felines gone so soon and tragically. I wish I had a positive mindset but hopefully your words will imprint and help me see things in a brighter light some day.
 

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Thank you for allowing us to be with you during this trying time. I do TNR and you did the right thing by River! You prevented countless sufferings by getting her spayed. Your visits delighted her little heart and gave her a sense of belonging. Now there is a void in that particular territory and hopefully you and other feral cat guardians will be able to TNR any newcomers. The first colony losses are especially rugged but as time passes, it gets much easier. Within the TCS community, you will find friends who understand and who exemplify the saying "A trouble shared is a trouble halved; a joy shared is a joy doubled". River is okay now, her spirit rejoins the Creator, those who have lived and those yet to be born. And when your mind feels troubled, your body tired or your heart discouraged, remind yourself that you are made of tough stuff and that your TCS family is here for you! Every future rescue that you will be doing is in honor and tribute of a beautiful, adorable, precious little black cat whom you called "River"....
 
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