Grief and adoption

Karmakat2436

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KarmaKat2436 Please ! no apologies for long posts...the getting things off our chest is helpful ! your story is a hard one, and I pray for healing for you, as I sympathize with where you are at ! My father died last year , and Bella was my best comfort. Losing her .. well, you know how I feel probably better than anyone. I do want to say one thing ... PLEASE do not blame yourself for not picking up on symptoms , or knowing more.. or somehow thinking that your could have / should have known more or done more to help Karma, and she would still be here. One thing I know for sure : hind site is always 20/20 !! I am sure with all the love and expense you put forth the very best you could for her. Kitties are tough. they dont " tell" us what is wrong, and there is a lot of guess work to it. they are masters of hiding pain / illness. Its their nature ! alot of time , by the time we figure out something is amiss..it is really wacko already! I am a NURSE and can spot symptoms in PEOPLE pretty quick, but struggle to pick up stuff in my kitty. The reason I knew so quickly what was happening to Bella , was only because my brothers kitty tragically died of that a year earlier ! Maybe you beating yourself up over what happened to your baby, and feeling mad yourself (which I can understand , really !) is somehow intimidating the new kitty, so she goes to your brother. Calmer energy there. You said you dont know if you will ever get past this .oh, I really pray you will .. because it is not your fault. You followed the advice of veterinarians .. which is all MOST of us would reasonably do ! My friend sent me a picture of Bella with words on it.. and I think they apply to you and Karma as well >> " to live on in the heart of others is to never die" Karma will never really leave you , as she is so loved and in your heart. Like me and Bella . and I think we best honor that by learning from our experiences and making sure the next furbaby benefits from what we now know ! I know Bella had it better than my first kitty, Snowball; and I'm sure my next kitty .. will benefit from all I have learned from being Bellas mom. Bella never replaced the love I had for snowball, and no kitty will replace the love I have Bella. That doenst mean I cant love another Kitty. I think the same will happen for you in time. we have to let go , forgive (ourselves if anything!) and love again. We are worth that ! thank you for sharing your story with me ! CindyH66
Thank you so much Cindy for your kind words and reading my post. You are right they do hide their illnesses…I wish she would have peed someplace strange with a UTi or did something more other then sleep behind the tv…which was a sign but I just had her at a vet and everything was fine and if I had known a UTi not treated could do this…oh gosh I just keep rambling about this, as I just can’t forgive myself…I miss her like a child! She was so special and I’ve owned quite a few cats even on the farm…but this once was so cute in every way the way she would lay and stretch her front paws out toward her belly, lay on her back and put her paws together was sweetest thing ever…my mom loved her too and I think my mom was so attached and worried about her before she died as she knew this would literally kill me…and yup she died…my mom would be so devastated for me. i Actually took my mom home for hospice for awhile…more because I think she wanted to see Karma…so she got her wish but then went back to the hospital as she deteriorated more and I couldnt care for her properly at home….so the bond she had with mom too hurts…the new kitty is just another kitty…and I’ve always agreed that when one dies us cat people should get another one as there are so many good loving kitties in shelters…omg it broke my heart when I went to these rescues so many and all sitting looking at you like take me home…it literally broke my heart…I wish every kitty in the world had good homes. there was one kitty that I went to see and I still think of him…he was being given away by his owner to be rehomed…he looked exactly like Karma…same texture fur…hers was like a mink…but he was so petrified and when the owner caught him clumps of fur were coming off him like he hasn’t been pet for long time…he says that he is scared of new people …well he is obviously not getting attention from the owner either…he had to keep grabbing him to bring him to me…but I did hold him and I kissed him all up…I loved him almost instantly…but upon talking to my vet …he is ten has never been to a vet…his teeth may be all rotten, he could have more medical issues and my last two had so many cost me a fortune and I just spent 5 grand trying to save Karma..I’m on disability from work so I can’t really afford all his costs…but my heart is with him and I wish so bad I could save him….they have two cats and the other one is so tame but this other one is sooooooo scared…but I think if he was with me he would come around but what if he doesn’t? I’m so torn…I would never be able to drop poor guy off at a shelter! im so torn with this cat…he needs attention and love …but sadly I just don’t have the funds and the owner says oh he is so healthy…why so scared…why shedding etc..he has never been to the vet how does he know he is so healthy!….sorry I’m telling you all this….but nobody else seems to care about how much I worry about this senior cat…he is obviously miserable! But I am glad it sounds like you are adopting a new kitty from another post? That’s wonderful…again thank you so much for all you said. I appreciate it.❤Ps…I posted pics of karma..and with my mom doing hospice at home she always laid with mom…she was such a good emotional support cat for me and mom…God I miss her so much😭😭😭
 

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Karmakat2436

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Karmakat2436 Karmakat2436 and CindyH66 CindyH66
I'd like to agree with Cindy. Even though Chester had been hiding a disease that caused massive internal bleeding for awhile it seems, he fought sedation and howled for 2 hours. As a result I often wonder if I did the right thing. He was bleeding internally because his cells had stopped working right! The vet told me I did the right thing, but I think sometimes we get into these fighting modes and get stuck in them and then blame inevitable failure on ourselves. You're probably also combining your mom's passing with hers, all in one big ball of grief.
I'm sorry you're not bonding. That's the way I feel towards my husband's cat completely.
I'm sure you'll find a new love out there. How does your brother feel about having his own cat?
I’m so sorry for what poor Chester went through. Yes, vet told me it wasn’t my fault but I know it was as I didn’t treat a UTi they said it could have been systemic meaning it wasn’t the UTi and another said they thought there was more going on …it didn’t help me much….but I am always so hard on myself. I blame my moms death on myself too…even though was doctors fault but I knew I should have got second opinion and didn’t…and now it’s too late…and yes the double grief almost same time is unbearable..I lost them both so close together…Karma was helping me deal with mom and I was getting better but Karma‘s death really spiralled me into a deep depression that scares me. My brother is attached to the new cat and I could try get another one and hopefully it would be more attached to me and lay with me, I just miss having a cat, like Karma…well Karma always by my side like 24/7…she was always there for me…the new one is very independent. All I do is feed it, brush her teeth, change her litter and feel I get no love back in return…where as with Karma I could feel the love…I know the new one is new etc but somehow I don’t think she will ever be a real cuddle kitty…and I’m scared to get another one what if it doesn’t cuddle either or sleep with me etc.
 

CindyH66

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Thank you so much Cindy for your kind words and reading my post. You are right they do hide their illnesses…I wish she would have peed someplace strange with a UTi or did something more other then sleep behind the tv…which was a sign but I just had her at a vet and everything was fine and if I had known a UTi not treated could do this…oh gosh I just keep rambling about this, as I just can’t forgive myself…I miss her like a child! She was so special and I’ve owned quite a few cats even on the farm…but this once was so cute in every way the way she would lay and stretch her front paws out toward her belly, lay on her back and put her paws together was sweetest thing ever…my mom loved her too and I think my mom was so attached and worried about her before she died as she knew this would literally kill me…and yup she died…my mom would be so devastated for me. i Actually took my mom home for hospice for awhile…more because I think she wanted to see Karma…so she got her wish but then went back to the hospital as she deteriorated more and I couldnt care for her properly at home….so the bond she had with mom too hurts…the new kitty is just another kitty…and I’ve always agreed that when one dies us cat people should get another one as there are so many good loving kitties in shelters…omg it broke my heart when I went to these rescues so many and all sitting looking at you like take me home…it literally broke my heart…I wish every kitty in the world had good homes. there was one kitty that I went to see and I still think of him…he was being given away by his owner to be rehomed…he looked exactly like Karma…same texture fur…hers was like a mink…but he was so petrified and when the owner caught him clumps of fur were coming off him like he hasn’t been pet for long time…he says that he is scared of new people …well he is obviously not getting attention from the owner either…he had to keep grabbing him to bring him to me…but I did hold him and I kissed him all up…I loved him almost instantly…but upon talking to my vet …he is ten has never been to a vet…his teeth may be all rotten, he could have more medical issues and my last two had so many cost me a fortune and I just spent 5 grand trying to save Karma..I’m on disability from work so I can’t really afford all his costs…but my heart is with him and I wish so bad I could save him….they have two cats and the other one is so tame but this other one is sooooooo scared…but I think if he was with me he would come around but what if he doesn’t? I’m so torn…I would never be able to drop poor guy off at a shelter! im so torn with this cat…he needs attention and love …but sadly I just don’t have the funds and the owner says oh he is so healthy…why so scared…why shedding etc..he has never been to the vet how does he know he is so healthy!….sorry I’m telling you all this….but nobody else seems to care about how much I worry about this senior cat…he is obviously miserable! But I am glad it sounds like you are adopting a new kitty from another post? That’s wonderful…again thank you so much for all you said. I appreciate it.❤Ps…I posted pics of karma..and with my mom doing hospice at home she always laid with mom…she was such a good emotional support cat for me and mom…God I miss her so much😭😭😭
KarmaKat2436 ..oh those pics ! what a lovebug Karma was ! I could tell ! and your Mom. How precious ! Somehow , I see them together in Heaven.. <3 this poor senior Kitty you mentioned sounds sweet. poor little thing. Someone told me Bella would bring the next kitty to me I should help. I spent 13 years helping her..she knows what a good momma I was to her; Karma knows the same about you .. and maybe leading you to help another ? to help you both ? You have much healing to do ,and much love to give . I pray God will lead you in the right direction. ..UTIs in kitties in tough. .. my friend had the sweetest little tuxedo kitty named Anthony. he was 16. a total lovebug. she had not noticed he wasn't peeing much.. guess she thought he was just getting old ? anyone , one day he peed on the kitchen floor. NEVER did anything like that. she thought that was odd ... I told her ..get him to a vet asap. thats not good. she did ...turns out poor little guy had a UTI and was holding it as long as possible cuz it hurt to pee and only went when he couldn't hold it any longer and forced to go. Now , my friend is an RN , and a HOSPICE nurse ... like I said .. we can spot in people fast ,but kitties are another story. she had NO IDEA he was sick , or how long that had been going on ! as for expense .. I understand the trepidation there. I rang up some whopper bills with Bella, too. cost me 2 grand once when she needed dental work.. I have one specific credit card .. I call it my Bella Card .. I only use it for her care. ( which I will now use for next kitty , too. I helped my brother with his kitty too. he's on disability and limited funds as well) helps to pay the bills over time.. we never know when something will crop up .. just like with people. That said, a senior kitty who has been neglected most of his life might be the best love bug yet. they appreciate a good pet parent I think! My Bella had been abandoned in the woods , left to fend for herself .. sick , weak, terrified. Someone found her , brought her to shelter. I cant imagine how anyone could do such a thing !? when she came with us .. I think she knew how good she had it here. She never ONCE in all these years tried to get out .. :) .. anyway, I hope you are on your way to brighter days ! I believe our grief is deep because our love was so deep to start with. The bible says " the righteous care for their animals " .. I am glad despite all the tears I have shed, that is us, cuz I know that does NOT apply to many people! Hugs to you today! CindyH66 I will attach a pic or 2 Bella for ya. Let ya know how I make out at the shelter today. May come home with a new furbaby:)
 

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CindyH66

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Update: I have contacted my friend to arrange a halfway meet up to adopt Coal. I'm nervous but I've been thinking about him for 2 weeks now, and I think thats a sign
wonderful ! Let us know more about Coal ! maybe a pic ? Hug today !!
 
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sylorna

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I’m so sorry for what poor Chester went through. Yes, vet told me it wasn’t my fault but I know it was as I didn’t treat a UTi they said it could have been systemic meaning it wasn’t the UTi and another said they thought there was more going on …it didn’t help me much….but I am always so hard on myself. I blame my moms death on myself too…even though was doctors fault but I knew I should have got second opinion and didn’t…and now it’s too late…and yes the double grief almost same time is unbearable..I lost them both so close together…Karma was helping me deal with mom and I was getting better but Karma‘s death really spiralled me into a deep depression that scares me. My brother is attached to the new cat and I could try get another one and hopefully it would be more attached I’m scared to get another one what if it doesn’t cuddle either or sleep with me etc.
I blame my moms death on myself too....Karma was helping me deal with mom and I was getting better but Karma‘s death really spiralled me into a deep depression that scares me. ...and I’m scared to get another one what if it doesn’t cuddle either or sleep with me etc.
At some point we are all going to die. Those who are left behind will miss us and wonder about their role they played in our lives. Sometimes what happens is just what happens, and it's not do to negligence but, bodies failing as they get older. You did what you knew to do with the information you had at the time. I'm sure it was true with your mom too. None of us can read the future and if you had been given different information you would have done something different, but you weren't so how could you?
When I lost Chester I used to say that I needed my cat to get over the loss of my cat. He was my support through the bad stuff and then he was gone and my other cat only came out on her own terms. I miss him a lot still and it's been 2.5 years.
I'm scared too. I woke up wondering if I'm making the right choice with coal. Adopting a cat sight unseen is scary to me, and I'm aware I may be adopting my daughter a cat instead. I'm also terrified of the new cats behaviors. I've always been lucky with cats but im not sure how ill handle a behavioral problem. My friends with cats that have them are miserable.
 
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sylorna

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oh, just saw this ... what a cute panther !! this is Coal... awww !!
Haha yep. I woke up worried I'm doing the right thing, but worrying is kind of what I do best. We will see, my friend said if he drives him part way it will have to be a Thursday, so there's going to be excitement and worry for a bit.
 

CindyH66

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When we got Bella , I didn't want her at first. It was all my husbands idea. I was not over Snowballs death and had already decided I did NOT want another white cat . He pushed it , lo and behold we got her despite my better judgement. for the next 13 years she was MY baby after all . all that fussing I did .. seems silly now. I think sometimes I am my own worse enemy. my Mom died 21 yrs ago. One thing she said to me was : " 99 % of what you worry about will never come to pass " .. she was so right. I over think stuff sometimes ! dont we all ? as I get older , I try to look for the good. My pastor said " chew the meat and spit out the bones " .. I had no idea what that meant at the time, but I think I am finally getting it ...look for the good , and dont stress for the rest. life is short !
 
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sylorna

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Ok, so now I'm super worried...my husband thinks I'm over thinking the decision but I'm wondering if I need to wait a bit longer, and that the added work and money will be draining on me. As I mentioned in the past my cats have been very high needs and emotionally and financially draining as a result.
Of course now that I've initiated the process it would make me a pretty horrible person for doing so...it's not like he's a little adorable kitten. (he's an adorable adult cat)
Also I'm worried about the impact on Yuki...it probably will go well, but of course could not.
But it might be nice to have some young blood in the house, and a cat who actually wants to play with my daughter/snuggle with me.
Is my anxiety a sign that I shouldn't do it though? Is this my gut or my brain (messed up my anxiety meds this weekend and took them at the wrong time by accident)? Maybe it's trauma and grief messing with me?
BAH! what have I done to myself?!
 
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sylorna

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When we got Bella , I didn't want her at first. It was all my husbands idea. I was not over Snowballs death and had already decided I did NOT want another white cat . He pushed it , lo and behold we got her despite my better judgement. for the next 13 years she was MY baby after all . all that fussing I did .. seems silly now. I think sometimes I am my own worse enemy. my Mom died 21 yrs ago. One thing she said to me was : " 99 % of what you worry about will never come to pass " .. she was so right. I over think stuff sometimes ! dont we all ? as I get older , I try to look for the good. My pastor said " chew the meat and spit out the bones " .. I had no idea what that meant at the time, but I think I am finally getting it ...look for the good , and dont stress for the rest. life is short !
You posted this at the same time I posted above. It's like you're answering my post in advance.
 

CindyH66

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oh, the stress is awful, isn't it ? you have some time. all the worry wont make it better. I would do something relaxing .. clear my head and rethink it later. I bet you will do the right thing :) You sound caring , but are putting alot of stress on yourself. whatever you decide ,even if you DONT take him... there will always be kitties in need of a home, if you hold off until you are ready. Have faith in yourself !
 
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sylorna

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oh, the stress is awful, isn't it ? you have some time. all the worry wont make it better. I would do something relaxing .. clear my head and rethink it later. I bet you will do the right thing :) You sound caring , but are putting alot of stress on yourself. whatever you decide ,even if you DONT take him... there will always be kitties in need of a home, if you hold off until you are ready. Have faith in yourself !
Is it weird that I am absolutely not worried about there being another cat for me, but very concerned that there may not be another human for him?
 

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Anyone who shares life with cats or who is thinking about it needs to educate themselves. Cats are living beings, with complex feelings and needs. They share many of those with humans, but not all. We have the advantage of Internet access so that we can learn a lot before we adopt. PLEASE do so. Jackson Galaxy, "The Cat Daddy" of Animal Planet series "My Cat From Hell" as well as several books, social media presence and YouTube videos, is a professional cat behaviorist with a rare gift of being able to educate people in ways that they can easily understand. Please take advantage of his knowledge and expertise BEFORE adopting.
 
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sylorna

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Anyone who shares life with cats or who is thinking about it needs to educate themselves. Cats are living beings, with complex feelings and needs. They share many of those with humans, but not all. We have the advantage of Internet access so that we can learn a lot before we adopt. PLEASE do so. Jackson Galaxy, "The Cat Daddy" of Animal Planet series "My Cat From Hell" as well as several books, social media presence and YouTube videos, is a professional cat behaviorist with a rare gift of being able to educate people in ways that they can easily understand. Please take advantage of his knowledge and expertise BEFORE adopting.
Not sure what you're getting at?
 

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Not sure what you're getting at?
Some of the posts indicate to me that some people need more information and education before they decide to share their lives with cats. Like kids, cats are complex beings requiring a lot of love and good care. No one is born knowing it and those who aren't already educated in good cat care need to be, before making this important decision.
 

Karmakat2436

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KarmaKat2436 ..oh those pics ! what a lovebug Karma was ! I could tell ! and your Mom. How precious ! Somehow , I see them together in Heaven.. <3 this poor senior Kitty you mentioned sounds sweet. poor little thing. Someone told me Bella would bring the next kitty to me I should help. I spent 13 years helping her..she knows what a good momma I was to her; Karma knows the same about you .. and maybe leading you to help another ? to help you both ? You have much healing to do ,and much love to give . I pray God will lead you in the right direction. ..UTIs in kitties in tough. .. my friend had the sweetest little tuxedo kitty named Anthony. he was 16. a total lovebug. she had not noticed he wasn't peeing much.. guess she thought he was just getting old ? anyone , one day he peed on the kitchen floor. NEVER did anything like that. she thought that was odd ... I told her ..get him to a vet asap. thats not good. she did ...turns out poor little guy had a UTI and was holding it as long as possible cuz it hurt to pee and only went when he couldn't hold it any longer and forced to go. Now , my friend is an RN , and a HOSPICE nurse ... like I said .. we can spot in people fast ,but kitties are another story. she had NO IDEA he was sick , or how long that had been going on ! as for expense .. I understand the trepidation there. I rang up some whopper bills with Bella, too. cost me 2 grand once when she needed dental work.. I have one specific credit card .. I call it my Bella Card .. I only use it for her care. ( which I will now use for next kitty , too. I helped my brother with his kitty too. he's on disability and limited funds as well) helps to pay the bills over time.. we never know when something will crop up .. just like with people. That said, a senior kitty who has been neglected most of his life might be the best love bug yet. they appreciate a good pet parent I think! My Bella had been abandoned in the woods , left to fend for herself .. sick , weak, terrified. Someone found her , brought her to shelter. I cant imagine how anyone could do such a thing !? when she came with us .. I think she knew how good she had it here. She never ONCE in all these years tried to get out .. :) .. anyway, I hope you are on your way to brighter days ! I believe our grief is deep because our love was so deep to start with. The bible says " the righteous care for their animals " .. I am glad despite all the tears I have shed, that is us, cuz I know that does NOT apply to many people! Hugs to you today! CindyH66 I will attach a pic or 2 Bella for ya. Let ya know how I make out at the shelter today. May come home with a new furbaby:)
What a sweets kitty she is…so beautiful…her fur looks so soft and cuddly. I am so glad that she found you..poor kitty what an awful start to life…did you ever go to the shelter today? How did it go?
 

CindyH66

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What a sweets kitty she is…so beautiful…her fur looks so soft and cuddly. I am so glad that she found you..poor kitty what an awful start to life…did you ever go to the shelter today? How did it go?
well we went .. and we got a new baby ! what a sweet love she is ! not the one I went for.. long story.. I saw a cute calico I wanted. the shelter opens at noon. we headed up and got there at 12 :15. they changed policy (Covid) now you sign in , wait in a lobby , and a team member takes you through and " counsels 'you on all the cats to see who is a good fit. this older couple got there JUST before us ;they signed in first. they went just ahead of us. we had a chance to chat , and they mentioned they have 3 cats at home. so, they go thru and dont they take the ONE cat I was there to see !? I was livid !! I was so upset I wanted to leave. The rest of the cats are either OLD, SICK, or kittens ..none of which I wanted. the counselor comes for us next . told us the couple ahead of us took that cat , but we can look around. I said " for what ? that's the one I came for . might as well leave " .. My husband appealed to my calm side ..which I didn't have at that moment .. and said " what harm is there in looking around ? we WONT take any cat you dont want. if we dont find one today , we'll come back next week; deal ? but were here so.." I said " fine" .. huffy, but went along with it. .. he happens upon this kitty who looked so sad and lethargic. only 1 yr old . very mellow. I said " whats wrong with her ? .. the girl said nothing.. shes very sweet , just a little tired from being spayed yesterday. I said I dont remember seeing her on the website ? told me she wasnt; she had been a stray and pregnant . had to have the kittens , wean them and be fixed before she could be up for adoption. in fact she is JUST going up now. see all those kittens over there .. being adopted ? those are hers' .. I had to wonder if she felt sad all her babies were leaving ? Tom said " how about it ..? want to go in a meeting room for a minute? " I said ok .. so we went . I was still miffed about the calico, but went... we sat down ... and didnt this little girl .. Elin ... come over ...groggy , hop up in MY lap , curl up , go to sleep as nice as you please , and start purring !! looked up at me with those " love " eyes once , then back to sleep. My husband could tell the Ice was melting in me ... he said the the girl.. " we'll be taking her " ... I hadnt even said a word yet .. the girl said "is that right mam? I said " yes !" .. and a mountain of paperwork later , we were home with our new kitty. She is wonderful. we still miss Bella . Still tear up at the pictures and talking of her , but have NO regrets about our new kitty. The funny thing is .. the kitty was named Elin..that was Toms mothers name, and she and I were oil and water !! did NOT get along LOL .. I told him part of the deal is.. that NAME has to go ! he laughed and said OK ..so she is now :peanut " cuz she is a little peanut .. esp. compared to Bella !! I am happy we went.. as we were getting ready to leave a care giver came up to me and said " mam..are you lady upset cuz someone else got PK ?" (the calico) I said yes. He said ' did you adopt Elin ? "yes" ..he said " you got the better deal ; PK is an escape artist. if she aint hiding , she's sneaking out ! Elin ...she's an angel ! " .. I thought that was nice of him .. to make me feel better .. so it went beautifully. Today i got sympathy card from the vet , with Bella's paw print in it. A few tears, but I didn't have a melt down, so I know I am doing better, and peanut has brought some Joy back to this house for sure !! I will attach a pic but have not got many yet.. been so busy with all that and working ... she is a grey/ black tabby with bright green eyes .. lovley ! Hope you are doing well. Talk soon ! G night !
 
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