Goodbye to Gizmo

[Nemo]

Today we said our final goodbyes to Gizmo, an intact male domestic shorthair kitty who had FIV. We figure he was somewhere between 3 and 5 years old.

Gizmo came into our lives about a month and a-half ago. Apparently he saw our two cats (Puffin, a fluffy black cat with a white ruffle on his chest and Smokey, an all-grey domestic shorthair) using the cat door in the kitchen and figured it out. One day my wife was sitting on the couch with our two kitties nearby, and suddenly she heard the plastic cat door flap being used, and then a cat appeared on the short counter where we keep cat bowls. The cat began devouring all the food in the bowls.

I tried to find out if our new visitor belonged to anyone in the trailer park, but had no success. We live in an area where it is not uncommon for people to dump off cats, so we figured that might be how Gizmo showed up in our area. It took us a few weeks to get Gizmo into the vet due to scheduling issues and a cancellation due to the lady vet having a baby. Finally, when we did get Gizmo in, they checked him for a chip (didn't have one) and they verified that he was still a "fully equipped" male. Gizmo did have the habit of overgrooming and biting/scratching his skin and had several sores on him. We had bought some stuff through Chewy that did seem to help a little with that issue. They tested him for feline leukemia and FIV (basically HIV for cats). Of course, in the meantime we had made Gizmo part of our family. We had to watch things when he and the other two kitties were around, as Gizmo tended to be aggressive toward them when inside the house. Outside it wasn't a real problem, just in enclosed areas. Anyway, Gizmo and I really bonded. I often sleep on the sofa in the living room due to my wife and I both being snorers. Many nights, I would wake up and find Gizmo snuggled up next to (or on top of) me. On weekends, if I was hanging out at the house in the spare bedroom/office, Gizmo would be snuggled up on my lap or chest. I fell in love with that cat. He reminded me a lot of Nemo, the cat I lost some time ago and posted about on these forums. The difference was, Gizmo was younger and should've had a full life ahead of him.

So we got the news that Gizmo tested positive for FIV. The vet said that a cat with FIV can still live a relatively good life, but must be kept away from other cats and must become an indoor-only cat so as to minimize exposure to things that his immune system could not handle (as well as keeping him away from other cats that he could potentially infect). That wasn't something we could do, given our situation. So I put out some feelers to see if anyone would be interested in taking in little Gizmo. Nobody was interested. I contacted our local humane society and explained the situation. They said that they could not promise to take him in, given his current state of health, and that likely they would end up declining to take him off our hands.

So my wife and I had to have a hard conversation about Gizmo's fate. It wasn't responsible to keep letting him out into the general population of cats in our area--many of whom have families that love them, just as we love our kitties--and it wasn't fair to the cats we already had or to my wife to keep trying to wrangle things in order to keep them separated. The whole "wrangling" thing was taking a toll on my wife's emotional health (she deals with clinical depression and has some physical issues as well).

So, today, which was supposed to be the day Gizmo got neutered, ended up being the day that we ended his life. The deed was done around 11:30 am Pacific Time--just a little over two hours ago as I write this. I have been a mess ever since. On the way home I stopped at the liquor store and got a bottle of 12 year Balvenie single malt Scotch. I'm not much of a drinker, but today I am. One one hand, I kinda wish Gizmo had never found us, as he would still be alive. On the other hand, I suspect that he had probably the happiest month and a-half of his life with us.

I raise my glass, with tears in my eyes. Goodbye, sweet Gizmo...You were loved.

 

[Margot Lane]

A tough decision, but you did right by Gizmo…and all the other lil kitties out there. Not his fault or yours about the FIV, and at least his passing was painless. I am glad you think he had some truly happy times at the end…take heart in that…perhaps a FIVless Gizmo Jr. awaits you in the wings!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, GIzmo, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

I think, if you could ask Gizmo, he lived the life he wanted, that he insisted on, and left with a full heart, knowing that he was loved. What he knew of hearth and home, and of love, he knew from you. Cats are some of the most Zen creatures on earth, living in an eternal "now." They do not fear for the future, and can remember the past without mourning it. It is one of the greatest lessons that they teach us, you know. SO...you gave Gizmo an eternity of life, of love, of acceptance and home. As short as it felt to you, for him, it was an eternity. And from his new home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, he blesses you for that love, for every bit of care, and for your courage in letting him go before disease dragged him into a slow, miserable decline. And he whispers to Those Who Watch, "That was MY human! One of the really good ones, you know!"

Lift a glass in his honor for me. My heart with yours.

 

[Maria Bayote]

I raise my glass, with tears in my eyes. Goodbye, sweet Gizmo...You were loved.

This made me cry.

Hang in there and I pray you find comfort with all those memories you have shared with Gizmo.

 

[Tik cat's mum]

I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye. You did all you could and had no other choice really. Because of you and your wife Gizmo knew love and compassion, he had people that cared. RIP sweet Gizmo

 

[di and bob]

You saved him a future full of pain and suffering. I knew how hard it would be to keep him separated from the others, and really he wouldn't have wanted that. Nor would he have been happy to never see his beloved outdoors. You tried, you really did. It was a hard, horrible decision to make, but I really see no other choice....
Of course, you are having second thoughts and feeling some guilt, it ALWAYS comes when we are suffering from losing someone special. He wormed his way into a spot in your heart, and there he will stay. He will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers, keep sending him some love and he will send you his. He is at peace because he leaves someone to think of him and remember all the special things he did in such a short time.
My heart breaks for your pain, I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.......RIP beautiful Gizmo. You were such a special boy. You will always have a secure place in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Nemo]

Lots of stuff going through my mind tonight just short of two weeks since saying goodbye to my cat, Gizmo...

So it's been 12 days since we said goodbye to Gizmo, a stray "intact" male cat estimated to be 3-5 years old. I originally said we had him about a month and a-half, but my wife says it was two months. Either way, my time with him was far too short. Since losing little Gizmo, I have done okay, mostly. Occasionally something triggers a memory of him and I start to tear up, but I resist. Yesterday evening there was a video in my Facebook feed about a cat named Kika and her antics, which was set to a sentimental song. This "Kika" happens to have very similar coloring and markings as Gizmo. I cried. Today, I heard an inspirational song about losing a loved one in death, and I wept.

Why am I grieving for a cat I barely knew for two months? (tears are running down my face as I type this)

Here is why:

• Gizmo was young--only 3-5 years old according to the vet. He should've had a long life with loving human companions. The unfairness of this makes me want to scream the vilest of profanities at the universe.
• Gizmo understood and appreciated the love he was getting from my wife and I. Many stray/abandoned cats face a rough existence. If they are lucky, they find kind and loving humans who will care for them. I'm certain he wasn't feral because he wasn't aloof in that way. He was a bit cautious with us at first, but keep in mind he DID boldly enter our home through the cat door, jump on the short counter where we had cat food, and began devouring everything in sight--with my wife not far away. He also adapted to us quickly.
• Gizmo and I bonded quickly. Within a very short period of time, he went from sleeping in a bed we made for him (from a short-walled produce box lined with old cotton sheets) to snuggling right up under my chin at night.
• Head butts. Gizmo LOVED to give head butts to me when I was on the floor with him. No other cat of mine has ever done this. They'll rub head and body against me, but no actual butting of their head to mine. Cat experts call this "head bunting", I believe, and it is a sign of affection. It became so routine with he and I that whenever I got on the floor with him, I would say in a sweet voice, "It's time for HEAD BUTTZ".
• Talking. When I was in the bathroom getting ready for work or for "other" reasons, Gizmo would station himself on the other side of the door and "talk" to me. I'm sure in kitty language he was saying either "Hurry up and come back out!", or "Hey, let me in there with you, Daddy!"
• Similarities to my other soul-cat, Nemo. Search for my posts about Nemo from 2019. I described some of his qualities and why they were endearing, and why losing Nemo was tragic for me. Gizmo had similar qualities but was far younger than Nemo when we found him, and I had hoped to have many more years with Gizmo than we got with Nemo. But that did not happen due to circumstances beyond our control.
• I had to make the ultimate decision to end Gizmo's life, due to the specifics of the situation. This broke my heart.

Since 2002 when my wife and I got married, we have now had 7 cats. I have only had this deep "soul-cat" connection with three of them--Oswald (my wife's cat when we got married), Nemo, and then Gizmo. Each cat has had its own personality and we have loved them all. But sometimes a particular cat just touches your soul and connects with you on such a deep level that goes beyond the relationships you have with other cats. I have now had THREE soul-cats in my life so far.

So here is my takeaway from having and eventually saying goodbye to our beloved feline companions. Like humans, cats have personalities. Humans bond more closely with some fellow humans than with others. Cats and humans bond more closely with certain cats/humans than with others. We who open our hearts to loving and being loved by cats also open ourselves to loss and grief--just as we do with fellow humans whom we love. That is the risk of any relationship.

I miss Gizmo, Nemo, and Oswald deeply. Among the many dreams I have when sleeping, I do have dreams of those three boys. They are usually good dreams, but occasionally I do wake up sad after dreaming of them. In the end, I only know that those boys (and our other cats) were loved with all of my and my wife's hearts, and that they knew it also.

 

[Tik cat's mum]

Thankyou for sharing your thoughts on grief at this difficult time. I think what you've said is absolutely right. It brought back memories of the way my hubby felt when we lost our boy Tik. You see like you he was my hubby's heart cat. He passed to soon just 2 years old. But the impact he had on our lives was there from day one. We got 2 cat's not litter mate's but 4 weeks apart in age. My boy Patches is still with us and the reason behind my hubby finding his second heart cat. He didn't want another cat, a year later gave in because my boy was missing company. We ended up with a little black cat that he certainly wouldn't become attached to. But this kitten seemed to know just how to behave, he was the sickest kitten I've ever seen never away from the vet. Obviously my hubby fought not to become attached because he couldn't bare to lose another. But Bandit was a fighter and is now a fit and healthy adult cat. That has won his heart they have bonded just as deeply as he did with Tik, some cat's just know what we need my boy Patches is my heart cat. I've had others but just one other I've had the same affection for. That was Rebel 35 years ago we might have others we love but we never forget our heart cat's.

 

[Nemo]

Just wanted to share some pics we have of Gizmo when he was with us. He was a beautiful little cat. Still missing him a lot (those sweet "head buttzz" he would do!). He made a huge impact in such a short time (2 months)...

 

[di and bob]

Thank you for the pictures. What a precious baby!

 

[Margot Lane]

What a smorgasbord of love! Looks like you put all you could into it, and vice versa. Gizmo couldn’t have had a better owner.

 

[CaseysMom]

What a beautiful boy! Thank you for sharing your story and Gizmo's story. I also must say I am so touched by your selfless concern for your wife and her health issues. I have found that to be rare. God bless you for caring for these cats and your human soulmate.

 

[dustydiamond1]