Giving Back My New Rescue Cat?

[MrsCassandra]

Hello,

I'm new here and I thought I might find some help about my situation.

I have a five and a half months old sweet kitten with a mild physical disability which require much attention and care, including exercise. I had him since he was two and a half months old.

A month ago a now nineteen months old rescue cat arrived. Introduction was done in a reasonable fashion and, once he met the kitten, for a few days the new cat was out of his room for short periods.

After over a month the situation got worse.

I had met the new cat several times before he got to my home. He knew me, recognised me and we were good friends as I always played with him and cuddled him to death. He indeed was a jolly cat always asking for cuddles, always wanting to jump on people's laps or shoulders, used to other cats with not a bit of aggression ever shown.

I had some doubts about getting him as he seemed very happy and very well adapted in the private shelter he lived in for ten months. He would sleep in a tiny wooden cage at night but run free during the day. He would purr to everybody and endlessly. The more you cuddled him the more he purred and the more cuddles he asked for.

The shelter owner always said it was OK to get him as he was such an easy, happy cat who feared nothing and loved anyone. I must say I always thought he was perfect material for pet therapy.

When the new cat arrived, however, he looked like he had been bitten, terrified and horribly shocked.

He basically stopped purring. In a month I can count the times he purred, possibly six or seven times for a short time. He dislikes the kitten, although they play fight bow and then usually by initiatives of the kitten, and as time passes by the behaviour worsened. He now both hisses and growls to the poor kitten while the kitten both adores and fears him.

As the new cat's behaviour worsened, the kitten's changed and he shows clear signs of stress.

The new cat remains scared of literally anything. He eats and uses the litter just fine but he continues, after over a month, to look abashed and unhappy.

On top of not purring, he doesn't jump on your lap, doesn't jump on the shoulders, and he doesn't like to be hold in people's arms anymore. He is basically a totally different cat.

Yesterday evening I found him essentially catatonic, apathetic laying on a bed with his eyes fixed and unresponsive to the point that I had to take him to the food bowl. Eventually he ate and got back from his apathy, only just.

There are no physical conerns that may require a vet so it all appears purely psychological.

In the past month I realised that he would only be happi-er if I played solely with him and for a very long time. He would also eventually purr, providing the kitten is not around and I constantly pet him for at least ten minutes at wich point he starts some purring.

I noticed, during the occasional playing fights with the kitten, that the new cat tends to hurt the other and then runs away, like he wanted to actually stop the kitten from bothering him. In general, the new cat keeps running away from the kitten, more and more often hissing and now and then growling.

The kitten stops purring and gets nervous when the new cat is around. The situation is affecting the kitten's relationship and behaviour with me.

I usually find them in different rooms.

It feels like a hard job to keep the new cat barely happy and it is bad for the kitten that truly needs attention and care to help his physical condition which worsened after a week from the new cat's arrival. One day I got home and the kitten had pain in a leg which I suspect may have been a bite from the new cat, although there was no blood.

The new cat struggles to adapt and to cope with the kitten and it's getting worse with less and less interactions between them as days go by. He stopped even the little purring he did now and then when he came to sleep in my bed at night.

I sprayed Feliway around, I have a diffuser and used Rescue Remedy as well but things kept getting worse and after the episode of apathy yesterday I realised it is time for the new cat to go back and either stay there, where the shelter owners both love him, or find a home where he can get all attention he needs possibly as a solo cat.

Did anyone have a similar experience? Any thoughts?

Many thanks.

 

[Stray Cathouse Madame]

Some cats simply don't like sharing human attention with other cats. I had one cat who hated being around other cats but didn't mind dogs one bit, loved being around them, in fact. One thing is for sure, your special needs kitty requires your attention and nurturing, and the current arrangement is not emotionally healthy for any of you.

I'm sure that the rescue will understand your situation and appreciate that you did try your best to integrate the new kitty into your household. It does seem like your kitten would enjoy having a playmate, so I'd recommend you to continue trying to find the right match. Just make sure that any rescue you work with is aware of your special needs situation beforehand so they are more willing to work with you to find your kitten the right forever friend.

 

[MrsCassandra]

Thank you so much Stray Cathouse Madame. Today I unexpectedly found them sleeping together and grooming each other. They slept together for many hours - which actually isn't good for the kitten who should play a lot and use his legs but he does all that the adult cat does. I don't know what happened. Still, the new cat gets up and goes away if i try to pet him or the kitten, and his charatcter hasn't gone back to usual one bit and still hisses and runs away at pretty much anything else the kitten does other than sleep and be still. The lady of the shelter understands and will take him back in a couple of days and she and her husband might actually keep him.

I saw how much the kitten likes the new cat and having seen some actual reciprocal grooming going on, I fear the kitten will suffer the loss of the new cat.

Would you suggest getting a new kitten (I think of similar age and energy level) straight away or wait until things seem back to normal?

Sorry for questions that may seem obvious but I hadn't had a cat for many years so I'm a bit at a loss.

 

[ArtNJ]

You said: "On top of not purring, he doesn't jump on your lap, doesn't jump on the shoulders, and he doesn't like to be hold in people's arms anymore. He is basically a totally different cat."

This is normal cat behavior. Cats do not want affection when stressed, and moving into a new place -- especially after being in a shelter not a house -- is stressful. Being with a new cat is stressful. So the cat wants to be left alone for a time, and you are grabbing at it, doing stuff it doesn't want.

Think of the cat like a human girl. Ok, maybe she liked the boy at school. But when he tries to show off the lovely dungeon in his basement, and if he tries to go for a hug right after showing off his setup, that is going to be terrifying right? You need to go slow with a nervous cat, pet her only where and when he wants. No grabbing to pick up, to put on a lap or to force pet. Maybe you need to wait till the cat is tired. Maybe there will be a particular spot. Maybe you can call the cat with treats or a noise. But you need to build the relationship slow, and wait for the cat to settle in. But you can't just say "Oh you liked me at school, now we are going to cuddle while sitting on The Rack". (I'm sure you and your home are lovely, but for the cat it is a traumatic change is what I'm saying.) You need to give the cat time.

A month is not enough given that you have been approaching the cat with unrealistic expectations. If you go slow, this cat can likely become affectionate with you like they were in the shelter. But the cat must set the terms and the pace. You can only push by calling or coaxing with treats -- mostly though, you need to watch, and see when, where and how the cat is willing to interact with you.

 

[Stray Cathouse Madame]

I don't know if others would agree but in this case, I think I would opt for a kitten of similar age, and I would do it quickly.

 

[kskatt]

You said: "On top of not purring, he doesn't jump on your lap, doesn't jump on the shoulders, and he doesn't like to be hold in people's arms anymore. He is basically a totally different cat."

This is normal cat behavior. Cats do not want affection when stressed, and moving into a new place -- especially after being in a shelter not a house -- is stressful. Being with a new cat is stressful. So the cat wants to be left alone for a time, and you are grabbing at it, doing stuff it doesn't want.

Think of the cat like a human girl. Ok, maybe she liked the boy at school. But when he tries to show off the lovely dungeon in his basement, and if he tries to go for a hug right after showing off his setup, that is going to be terrifying right? You need to go slow with a nervous cat, pet her only where and when he wants. No grabbing to pick up, to put on a lap or to force pet. Maybe you need to wait till the cat is tired. Maybe there will be a particular spot. Maybe you can call the cat with treats or a noise. But you need to build the relationship slow, and wait for the cat to settle in. But you can't just say "Oh you liked me at school, now we are going to cuddle while sitting on The Rack". (I'm sure you and your home are lovely, but for the cat it is a traumatic change is what I'm saying.) You need to give the cat time.

A month is not enough given that you have been approaching the cat with unrealistic expectations. If you go slow, this cat can likely become affectionate with you like they were in the shelter. But the cat must set the terms and the pace. You can only push by calling or coaxing with treats -- mostly though, you need to watch, and see when, where and how the cat is willing to interact with you.

If only it was just the one cat having issues, who has others who would love to have him. There is a special needs kitten who scared and not getting what he needs.
I agree with a kitten. Doesn't have to be the exact same age, but as close as you can find. Please keep us updated!

 

[MrsCassandra]

ArtNJ, I totally understand your points and quite agree. But this cat was in a situation that can be considered like being with a family for ten months before coming to mine, he was a very happy cat, much loved by the shelter's owners, he just slept in a cage but he would go back to it willingly and was free to go around. His behaviour also worsened over a month. I wouldn't force him to do anything, I just think it was a mistake for them to give him away. I'm alone with a special needs kitten who, from the new cat's perspective, makes his life hell and eventually too active. But it's the worsening in his behaviour, reaching a state of pure, unresponsive apathy that is most worrying.

Perhaps a month is not enough for this young adult, given his background and that I can't dedicate to him as I would if he were my only cat, but I wouldn't expect getting worse and this to me seems like this really isn't the right place and situation for this cat :/

 

[caitini]

Could you try separating them again for a while and reintroducing after a period of scent-swapping?

It is a good sign that they were grooming each other - cats that don't get along rarely do this.

 

[MrsCassandra]

Could you try separating them again for a while and reintroducing after a period of scent-swapping?

It is a good sign that they were grooming each other - cats that don't get along rarely do this.

Hello caitini, tried that already but that in reality consists of the new cat being kept in his room with the kitten scratching the door to enter... Plus, the new cat starts meowing loudly if closed in, he doesn't want to be alone anymore.

I thought it was a good sign too, the grooming, though all other bad behaviour towards the kitten remains, plus long hours of apathy which got worse; he now rarely plays unless prompted by me with his favourite toys or by the kitten which ends soon with the older cat hissing at him.

It also remains that I have to care for the kitten first and, since they don't appear to be able to share playtime in a way that doesn't affect the needs of the kitten, the new cat may have to stay in his room for long hours for months until the kitten grows up, but how is this any good for the older cat... :/

In last handful of days the new cat also appears to have less appetite but from a physical point of view he got actually better; he has cronical rhinitis and he got less snotty, his long fur looks nicer, his breathing is better and his ears that used to be quite dirty are now fine.

I actually think the new cat is somwhat mourning the loss of friends both human and feline.

To me, he looks like a purely unhappy cat, who's getting less happy and more grumpy with each passing day, rather than a cat who still needs to adapt and I fear, especially if he remains at mine, that he may never go back to being his old self which would be a real shame.

I think the idea of getting a new younger cat suitable for my kitten is possibly the way to go. I decided to have a consultation with a behavioural vet this morning just to have a further opinion but I will appreciate any further thoughts and experiences from other users

 

[MrsCassandra]

Update. This morning I had my consultation with the vet and ultimately she said I either want to keep the older cat at all costs and eventually in several weeks, possibly six months there "may" be a change, likely when the kitten grows up, "if" he calms down... Or I choose to have both cats quickly back to their happy self which means taking the new cat back "home"... She was actually surprised they even got to the grooming poi, but then again peace only lasts for as long as the kitten sleeps or stay still...

She also agreed that a cat of similar age might be best and pointed out other factors to consider to maximise their chances of becoming friends if not best buddies.

It's sad to watch them during the good moments together and think of separating them... :/

 

[kskatt]

If the new guy had been confined, in the cage, 24/7 and was unhappy; that would be reason to try harder. But, he was happy. It's only fair to let him, and the kitten and you be happy. There is no reason for you all to be miserable. Tell us how new guy does back "home". And we will need introductions to both youngsters!

 

[MrsCassandra]

If the new guy had been confined, in the cage, 24/7 and was unhappy; that would be reason to try harder. But, he was happy. It's only fair to let him, and the kitten and you be happy. There is no reason for you all to be miserable. Tell us how new guy does back "home". And we will need introductions to both youngsters!

Thank you kskatt ^_^ I agree with you and I'll take him back by the end of this week at the latest. I hope they both go back to the easy-going happy self soon

I started enquiring about a new kitten although the vet said I should give the kitten a week or so after the older cat is gone.

I'll keep you posted on all cats ^_^

Thank you all for the help

 

[ArtNJ]

Just for the future, and any additional changes you may consider, I think it is important you understand that the shelter cat was behaving in the range of normal given the change in his life, and older cat + kitten is often difficult in any event. Giving him back is the right thing to do, just want you to understand for the future, that this is how it sometimes goes. So many people add cats without understanding. Now you know.

Kitten plus kitten is indeed normally much easier, so if disability doesn't prevent rough play no reason not to go for it. If the disability makes rough play an issue, then don't do it. I assume the vet considered this issue. Just saying, don't expect a kitten to respect physical limits. At all. I adopted one of my current cats from a home with a 3 legged adult. I was there maybe 40 minutes, and saw that 3 legged cat jumped on like you wouldn't believe.

 

[MrsCassandra]

Thank you, ArtNJ

Yes, I understand all that and definitely realised my mistake although I had my suspicions before taking the cat but overlooked the signs given the confidence of the shelter lady. Neither me nor the experienced shelter lady expected the cat to react this bad and get even worse in time.

Rough play isn't an issue with my kitten so I think another kitten should better chances to work well.

 

[MrsCassandra]

Update. I cried a lot the two days before taking the cat back, feeling horribly about doing what's best for him and worried about shocking him once again.

I took him back with enough time to stay there, observe the situation and comfort him.

Once arrived, he remained in the large, comfortable carrier I put him in, positioned in front of the outdoor wooden cage he used to sleep in at night. Guess what? He was totally relaxed, not scared at all, completely comfortable and even welcomed me petting him. I take I've done the right thing.

I haven't seen him so relaxed in weeks.

 

[kskatt]

It's crazy how doing the right thing is so often the hardest thing to do. It is because you love him, both of them, that you chose what was right for them, no matter how much it hurt you. It's sad how doing the best can, also, put you in a position to feel shame. Returning any animal to the place they were happy, is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[kskatt]

One time, many years ago, a neighbor had moved, leaving 2 litters and 1 momma behind. The litter without a momma was a good 3 months old, no problem. The litter with the momma was, probably, about 2 months, not nursing. But momma was with them for anything else. Most of the kittens were quite wild, a friend and I managed to catch them all with no major injuries. The kitties were fine, any damage was to us, me in particular. I'm one of those people that just reach out. come he!! or high water. My friend took 1 kitten and I chose another. In rehoming there was a teacher who was new, lived in an apartment that allowed 1 pet. I studied the kittens to figure who would do best as an only cat. Mr Man was very outgoing and independant, I felt he was best suited. Of course I told everyone that if there were any problems to call me. If things did not work out I would take the kitten(s) back.
It was 2 or 3 weeks later that the teacher called and said she was very worried, Mr hardly ate anything and had dropped weight. She tried to play with him and he would take a half hearted swat at a toy,then quit. He just looked so depressed. I told her we should meet, with Mr so I could see him, and talk more. She was surprised, she admitted being hesitant to call because most people just said things like they'd take something back, then don't. Mr was definitely skinny, enough to seriously worry me. I had rehomed all, except 1, who wasn't a candidate for rehoming. I told her not to give up, I think this is pretty unusual, there was a kitty out there, perfect for her! This is awefully long.

 

[kskatt]

Okay, I was stunned how it worked when we got home. It took a good week for Mr to settle in. Example, I would see him sleeping, no other cat around. He would wake up, look around and start to cry, a very sad sounding cry. Within seconds 2 or 3 cats would come trotting into the room to comfort him. I'm not sure I've ever seen a cat that needed the company of other cats so much. Mr died of cancer this last Aug, he was 13.
The kitten that wasn't a candidate for rehoming, it was because she was so wild. Seemed terrified of everything. Homes with the knowledge and patience for such cats are few and far between. Tabitha, Mr's littermate, looks perfect, she does have heart disease but you'd never guess looking at her.

 

[kskatt]

Oh, sorry. The whole reason I shared this was because I was so happy the teacher had the courage to call and admit there was a problem. It was very brave and loving of her to do the right thing. I only wish I had kept any contact info and could have let her know Mr ended up just fine. I deeply regret not keeping in contact, I have no doubt she worried about Mr.

 

[MrsCassandra]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Indeed it was terribly hard and couldn't believe I was one of the people giving back a cat!!

As a further update, the older cat is doing great. He started purring back the next day. This morning, after four days, I went to visit and he couldn't stop purring, he loved being held in my arms and kissed and caressed and cuddled. He purrs at the cat lady too and, although he is still a bit cautious, there is no doubt he'll be back to his old self soon.

My kitten misses him, and generally someone to play rough games with. The behavioural vet advised to take a two months old kitten, and from a home environment, to maximise chances of things going well but I am not keen on that as a two months old kitten would be too young to play with mine... I'll let few days pass and then decide although I will go for scenarios where if anything goes wrong I can give the cat back, though I am prepared now for what might come