Gettin' Old Ain't for Sissies

[NY cat man]

What amazes me most about old age is that I lived to see it, while so many of my schoolmates did not. At our 40th reunion, about 20 were gone- one killed in Vietnam; another, an engineer for Bechtel, died in his early 50s of a heart attack. At our 50th, almost a third of the class was gone; cancer or heart attack the usual causes. I remember my paternal grandmother, who lived to be 101, almost crying when she spoke about how every one of her friends from her past were gone. This woman buried a husband and lived another 40 years. She buried 3 adult sons; one killed in WWII, one to cancer, and the third to heart attack only a year prior to her passing. I'm seeing the same things she did, as more and more of the people I knew have passed on, leaving holes in the fabric of my life. I don't know if I really look forward to the day when I look around and see that there is no one left but me.

 

[strider rose]

It does, now! You face so many of the same issues!

yeah . i hate it too . bad lower back , legs always both me and now insomnia too besides my regular health issues

 

[Jem]

What amazes me most about old age is that I lived to see it, while so many of my schoolmates did not.

I'm pushing 40...so not old, but this resonates with me. You do start to think about your own mortality when you hear of people that you went to school with are starting to pass away. Those who pass from accidents are tragic, but when you hear that so and so died from a heart attack and they're only 3-4 years older than you...When you start having to go to a couple funerals per year...When several of your friends parents are already gone....It really makes you think. And not just those who pass away, but even those who develop "age related" conditions.
I have my issues, but they are physical due to genetic abnormalities, and what I have should/does not affect longevity, but I do FEEL old quite often. I am healthy when it comes to other health concerns (heart, diabetes, cancer, etc..)
I also find myself feeling old because I already do the "when I was a kid..." thing. I find I'm getting cranky towards (some) of what I see in younger people.... I still have a filter though and keep it to myself...I'm not quite ready for the porch swing and shotgun!

 

[NY cat man]

I'm pushing 40...so not old, but this resonates with me. You do start to think about your own mortality when you hear of people that you went to school with are starting to pass away. Those who pass from accidents are tragic, but when you hear that so and so died from a heart attack and they're only 3-4 years older than you...When you start having to go to a couple funerals per year...When several of your friends parents are already gone....It really makes you think. And not just those who pass away, but even those who develop "age related" conditions.
I have my issues, but they are physical due to genetic abnormalities, and what I have should/does not affect longevity, but I do FEEL old quite often. I am healthy when it comes to other health concerns (heart, diabetes, cancer, etc..)
I also find myself feeling old because I already do the "when I was a kid..." thing. I find I'm getting cranky towards (some) of what I see in younger people.... I still have a filter though and keep it to myself...I'm not quite ready for the porch swing and shotgun!

No "Get off my lawn!"?

 

[Jem]

No "Get off my lawn!"?

Not from me....although my husband is almost there....he made a sign about people picking up their dog poop a few years ago that he put out on the lawn. It worked...and we even had a couple neighbors ask for one too! LOL! We don't have to put it up anymore, but it was a little "get off my lawn-ish".

 

[gilmargl]

Perhaps a bit of a vent - though it's not meant to be. I am old (now nearer 80 than 70) - but very lucky. But the love of my life, who's the same age, is not so lucky and I'm in danger of giving up.

We are not married but he has not been back to his apartment for 10 years and hasn't left my house to go anywhere (not even to sit in the garden) for at least 6 years. Since retiring he has slowly given up doing anything and is now unable to walk properly. He has health issues (in addition to his dependency on tranquilizers) but refuses to see a doctor.

I managed to get my doctor to visit him (on the pretext of checking his addiction to tranquilizers) and she wanted to put him in hospital for multiple tests (neurology, urology, and others) but he refused. She asked him if he knew that we were worried about him and that it was not fair of him to spend his life sitting on my couch and being waited on. He admitted to her that it was not fair but he didn't want to go anywhere else. She was not sure whether he is naturally egoistic or whether his illness makes him react in this way. She also noticed that talking to him about things he is interested in was no problem. But, he had no idea how long it was since he last left the house. He seems to have lost a sense of days, weeks, months and years. (A problem with his washing - "But I only changed my socks yesterday!", when I haven't seen socks in the washing for a week.)

He has not given me, or anybody else, power of attorney. His nearest relations are 7 hours away and, although they will inherit his earthly goods, they will not be accepted by any court here to be his guardian, should he become even more helpless, unless, of course, he moves. They have no idea of his condition - they ignore me, and he can put on a good show.

Things are bad enough already as I do all the spending - and it's hard to get him to write a check for me. It's not just writing that has become increasingly difficult, but he doesn't think that money is particularly important either. The doctor told me I should get him physically, and legally removed back to his apartment. There he will have to confront his situation and deal with it - or go into a home (He has sufficient funds so that won't be the problem). But, as I said at the beginning, he was the love of my life. We had perhaps 12 really good years together but over the past 10 years things have been increasingly difficult - at least for me. He complained to my daughter that I am never at home - but I am here every night. If I go out in the morning, I am always back in time to cook lunch. I admit I am always away on a Monday afternoon, when I help out at a local doctor's surgery. Since Covid 19, I don't even go swimming or to the gym. What should I do at home all day - watch him fall asleep reading the paper? I miss being able to play loud music and in my own house too! I've had to give up fostering cats. He used to be willing to read his paper in the separate area where I kept fosters and kittens. But now he just sits in the living room. I just about have enough time and energy to do everything necessary to keep house, garden and car in working order as well as look after 4 cats and his interests. Another group of problem cats needing my presence would be just too much.

The doctor told me I should be careful not to get depressed, so I have to get away sometimes, even if it's just to help out somewhere else. I know, that if he had medical support to show us what we are up against, I would feel less alone and uncertain. I am not the type of person who can just wait and see. I could fall down the stairs tomorrow and that would be the end of me but up till then I want to live!

I don't know why I wrote all this - just to get it off my chest. Perhaps I am just a Sissy! (Shall I put a or a here. When I'm depressed I tend to anyway, so no-one knows how I'm feeling!)

 

[segelkatt]

Perhaps a bit of a vent - though it's not meant to be. I am old (now nearer 80 than 70) - but very lucky. But the love of my life, who's the same age, is not so lucky and I'm in danger of giving up.

We are not married but he has not been back to his apartment for 10 years and hasn't left my house to go anywhere (not even to sit in the garden) for at least 6 years. Since retiring he has slowly given up doing anything and is now unable to walk properly. He has health issues (in addition to his dependency on tranquilizers) but refuses to see a doctor.

I managed to get my doctor to visit him (on the pretext of checking his addiction to tranquilizers) and she wanted to put him in hospital for multiple tests (neurology, urology, and others) but he refused. She asked him if he knew that we were worried about him and that it was not fair of him to spend his life sitting on my couch and being waited on. He admitted to her that it was not fair but he didn't want to go anywhere else. She was not sure whether he is naturally egoistic or whether his illness makes him react in this way. She also noticed that talking to him about things he is interested in was no problem. But, he had no idea how long it was since he last left the house. He seems to have lost a sense of days, weeks, months and years. (A problem with his washing - "But I only changed my socks yesterday!", when I haven't seen socks in the washing for a week.)

He has not given me, or anybody else, power of attorney. His nearest relations are 7 hours away and, although they will inherit his earthly goods, they will not be accepted by any court here to be his guardian, should he become even more helpless, unless, of course, he moves. They have no idea of his condition - they ignore me, and he can put on a good show.

Things are bad enough already as I do all the spending - and it's hard to get him to write a check for me. It's not just writing that has become increasingly difficult, but he doesn't think that money is particularly important either. The doctor told me I should get him physically, and legally removed back to his apartment. There he will have to confront his situation and deal with it - or go into a home (He has sufficient funds so that won't be the problem). But, as I said at the beginning, he was the love of my life. We had perhaps 12 really good years together but over the past 10 years things have been increasingly difficult - at least for me. He complained to my daughter that I am never at home - but I am here every night. If I go out in the morning, I am always back in time to cook lunch. I admit I am always away on a Monday afternoon, when I help out at a local doctor's surgery. Since Covid 19, I don't even go swimming or to the gym. What should I do at home all day - watch him fall asleep reading the paper? I miss being able to play loud music and in my own house too! I've had to give up fostering cats. He used to be willing to read his paper in the separate area where I kept fosters and kittens. But now he just sits in the living room. I just about have enough time and energy to do everything necessary to keep house, garden and car in working order as well as look after 4 cats and his interests. Another group of problem cats needing my presence would be just too much.

The doctor told me I should be careful not to get depressed, so I have to get away sometimes, even if it's just to help out somewhere else. I know, that if he had medical support to show us what we are up against, I would feel less alone and uncertain. I am not the type of person who can just wait and see. I could fall down the stairs tomorrow and that would be the end of me but up till then I want to live!

I don't know why I wrote all this - just to get it off my chest. Perhaps I am just a Sissy! (Shall I put a or a here. When I'm depressed I tend to anyway, so no-one knows how I'm feeling!)

He may have been the love of your life in the second half of your life but now you are just his care taker. For how long are you going to put up with that? To be a doormat you have to lie down. You say you are not the type of person who can just wait and see but that is exactly what you are doing, Ask yourself this: am I better off with him here or with him being in his own apartment? If he lived in his own place he just may straighten out and become a partner again instead of a dependent. It's your place and your rules go. If he does not like it he can stuff it. Play your music loud, get another cat to foster as that makes you happy, stop serving him as he is not the master of the house and if he does not like to be alone he should get outside. You have let him become dependent on you, now it is time to toss him out like a fledgling chick to do on his own, co-dependency is not good for you or him. Good luck. Another kitty will be more grateful

 

[neely]

Did the doctor say if he is in the early stages of dementia? Depression is not unusual and dementia is more of an umbrella term.

You have every right to go out during the day whether it's to run errands or do something you enjoy. If fostering cats makes you happy then by all means you should continue doing it. Life is too short and you deserve to live it as you choose.

Is there anything you used to do together that might bring him out of his shell? If so, I would recommend trying to rekindle it and if it doesn't work at least you know you tried. Please don't feel you have to apologize about venting. We are here for support and glad to listen whenever you need us.

 

[Jcatbird]

Perhaps a bit of a vent - though it's not meant to be. I am old (now nearer 80 than 70) - but very lucky. But the love of my life, who's the same age, is not so lucky and I'm in danger of giving up.

We are not married but he has not been back to his apartment for 10 years and hasn't left my house to go anywhere (not even to sit in the garden) for at least 6 years. Since retiring he has slowly given up doing anything and is now unable to walk properly. He has health issues (in addition to his dependency on tranquilizers) but refuses to see a doctor.

I managed to get my doctor to visit him (on the pretext of checking his addiction to tranquilizers) and she wanted to put him in hospital for multiple tests (neurology, urology, and others) but he refused. She asked him if he knew that we were worried about him and that it was not fair of him to spend his life sitting on my couch and being waited on. He admitted to her that it was not fair but he didn't want to go anywhere else. She was not sure whether he is naturally egoistic or whether his illness makes him react in this way. She also noticed that talking to him about things he is interested in was no problem. But, he had no idea how long it was since he last left the house. He seems to have lost a sense of days, weeks, months and years. (A problem with his washing - "But I only changed my socks yesterday!", when I haven't seen socks in the washing for a week.)

He has not given me, or anybody else, power of attorney. His nearest relations are 7 hours away and, although they will inherit his earthly goods, they will not be accepted by any court here to be his guardian, should he become even more helpless, unless, of course, he moves. They have no idea of his condition - they ignore me, and he can put on a good show.

Things are bad enough already as I do all the spending - and it's hard to get him to write a check for me. It's not just writing that has become increasingly difficult, but he doesn't think that money is particularly important either. The doctor told me I should get him physically, and legally removed back to his apartment. There he will have to confront his situation and deal with it - or go into a home (He has sufficient funds so that won't be the problem). But, as I said at the beginning, he was the love of my life. We had perhaps 12 really good years together but over the past 10 years things have been increasingly difficult - at least for me. He complained to my daughter that I am never at home - but I am here every night. If I go out in the morning, I am always back in time to cook lunch. I admit I am always away on a Monday afternoon, when I help out at a local doctor's surgery. Since Covid 19, I don't even go swimming or to the gym. What should I do at home all day - watch him fall asleep reading the paper? I miss being able to play loud music and in my own house too! I've had to give up fostering cats. He used to be willing to read his paper in the separate area where I kept fosters and kittens. But now he just sits in the living room. I just about have enough time and energy to do everything necessary to keep house, garden and car in working order as well as look after 4 cats and his interests. Another group of problem cats needing my presence would be just too much.

The doctor told me I should be careful not to get depressed, so I have to get away sometimes, even if it's just to help out somewhere else. I know, that if he had medical support to show us what we are up against, I would feel less alone and uncertain. I am not the type of person who can just wait and see. I could fall down the stairs tomorrow and that would be the end of me but up till then I want to live!

I don't know why I wrote all this - just to get it off my chest. Perhaps I am just a Sissy! (Shall I put a or a here. When I'm depressed I tend to anyway, so no-one knows how I'm feeling!)

Take control before you find yourself sinking and looking back to what ,” might have been done for him.” I had a friend a I cared for. Not the love you describe but my closest friend and like family. The problems were very similar. Another thing reared it’s ugly head later. His family! As he declined they turned into birds of prey. No power in my hands, I had to watch at first. I finally called Elder abuse and got him a social worker. It would have been better for him if I had known to do this earlier. He was left for me to do the caregiving but when he got sick and I could not care for him, I had no say in what happened next. Fortunately the calls I had made previously saved his life. It did not end as either of us would have wished but he is alive and in his own apartment in another state now. His family is wary of me so keep him comfortable now but little else. We talk every other day so I can check on him. Caregiving is the kind and loving thing to do but don’t give up your own life to do it. When he was gone, I was very glad I had maintained my own interests as much as possible. AND he never could have kept me from rescuing cats. Even he knew that! You are still mobile and have things going on your life. Keep them! You can love him and yourself too. Get a caseworker involved and get some in home help with him for things like meals, nurse checks and bathing. He may need a bit of help but not want to admit it. Elder care workers know the routine and can offer you helpful advice geared especially for you and for him. You have a huge and kind heart. Mine is right there with you. I empathize completely. You are not alone in this kind of situation. It just needs to be put in order a bit. There is no reason you can’t love him and also enjoy your life.

 

[catapault]

gilmargl I don't understand about his apartment - he has paid rent and expenses for ten years but no one goes there? Cannot imagine what shape it might be in. I agree with the doctor that he should move back there. Probably need a thorough cleaning first.

Do not fall into the trap of going there with groceries to do his cooking, washing his laundry, making his bed. If his 7 hours away family cannot be involved let him use his money to hire someone to do what he is unwilling / unable to do. Or move to a home where people are paid to do what he now demands you do. His wants take priority, yours in your own home are secondary.

You say you are "now nearer 80 than 70 " - what will be the situation in another 10 years, or even 5 more years.

It sounds like his decline is stealing away any happiness you might have had in what was already a difficult year.

This is not a good situation, and will not get better without intervantion. Can your daughter help resolve the issues?

 

[gilmargl]

Did the doctor say if he is in the early stages of dementia? Depression is not unusual and dementia is more of an umbrella term.

She said that it is impossible to tell. He needs to be examined by specialists and, as he won't leave the house, it would have to be done in a hospital. He is not stupid and refuses to answer certain questions by avoiding them usually by saying they are childish. He will not try to change the tablets he is addicted to and take something more appropriate to his condition. I can't comment on whether the alternatives really give him side-affects or whether he's just scared of taking something new. I am not a doctor and, as I have already told him, I cannot help him. I did encourage him to take other tablets but I can't make him do it.

But, thank you for your encouragement - basically I know what I should do, but I feel such a failure!

 

[gilmargl]

gilmargl I don't understand about his apartment - he has paid rent and expenses for ten years but no one goes there? Cannot imagine what shape it might be in. I agree with the doctor that he should move back there. Probably need a thorough cleaning first.

Do not fall into the trap of going there with groceries to do his cooking, washing his laundry, making his bed. If his 7 hours away family cannot be involved let him use his money to hire someone to do what he is unwilling / unable to do. Or move to a home where people are paid to do what he now demands you do. His wants take priority, yours in your own home are secondary.

You say you are "now nearer 80 than 70 " - what will be the situation in another 10 years, or even 5 more years.

It sounds like his decline is stealing away any happiness you might have had in what was already a difficult year.

This is not a good situation, and will not get better without intervantion. Can your daughter help resolve the issues?

Nobody, least of all myself, can understand about his apartment. I've come to the conclusion it's simply laziness on his part. But, it's more than that! I have two daughters - and between them they have 4 strong young boys. I don't know how many times they have offered to help clear this apartment - which costs in rent more than most normal people could afford to pay. Meanwhile all 4 young men have their driving licences but, if he leaves it too long, they will have other commitments and will no longer be willing to spend a weekend moving stuff.
I did go there once to clean the windows - but he came with me and it was a long time ago - so never again! And there's no way I'll be cooking or shopping for him there - it's an hour's drive on the motorway. If he can't cook for himself, he'll have to buy "meals on wheels".
I know what I should be doing but ..... I've done 5 hour's work on the computer at the doctor's surgery today - there's still a lot to be done so I'll be back here tomorrow. But now, I'm tired! Thank you for your encouragement - I may have to speak to his relations.

 

[catapault]

gilmargl Hah! If his apartment is so expensive is it a nicer one than yours? If yes, perhaps take your cats, tippytoe away, and move there. By yourself. No, I'm not serious. But it sounds good.

This just sounds like a real control issue on his part. He stays in your apartment. His needs are all taken care of, by you. He complains to your daughter if you are not constantly available. What's in it for you? Once, there was love. But now?

Choose a point in time when this must be resolved, perhaps early next spring. Tell him that if things are not significantly improving by the chosen date he must leave. Remind him weekly. Bring boxes in and start packing up his things as proof of how serious you are. Have the four strong young men move the boxes to his apartment, regardless of what shape it is in.

Either it will be an awakening for him and he will make some changes. Or he will not believe you and you will have to have him removed.

Jcatbird 's suggestion to bring in senior services is an excellent one. There must be similar programs in your area.

 

[Jcatbird]

gilmargl It sounds like he is not lazy but something else. You are NOT a failure, just having trouble sorting it all out. Sometimes it’s hard to see the Forrest for the trees. It is a confusing situation and, as you said, you are not a doctor. I really do think outside help might be useful in sorting things out. Family may be too close to the situation too. Perhaps you could talk to a professional counselor or clergy for ideas if you don’t want any social services. This touches my heart for you both and I think he does need help , whatever the reason, but not at the cost of your health. Take care of you or you cannot help him.

 

[NY cat man]

gilmargl Speaking as an old guy in your age bracket, there are two pieces of advice I have for you:
1) It's not your fault
I don't know why it is that almost every time the victim blames themself for being victimized. A case in point: One night I was driving Michele to work when we came upon a car stopped at a green traffic light. When I tooted the horn, the passenger door flew open and a woman tumbled onto the pavement and the car sped off. She had been beaten, so we told her to get in and we took her to the E.R. Although we advised her to report him to the police, she refused to, saying all the time that she loved him and he really didn't mean it He is abusing you just as much as that dirtbag was abusing that woman, just in a different form.
2) Get rid of him
What you are seeing now is the real him, it's just that the years have worn away the veneer, revealing the true person underneath
You are not some starry-eyed teenybopper, to be swept away by the latest rock idol. Give him his walking papers, and if he refuses, get the authorities to remove him.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes it's necessary to be so. Life is too short to waste it on someone who only takes and never returns anything. Love has to be a two-way street, not one-way only.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

But, thank you for your encouragement - basically I know what I should do, but I feel such a failure!

I get feeling like a failure. HOWEVER...what you actually are is dealing with a situation WAY above your pay grade. This requires trained, specialized handling. I am willing to bet that if you check, there is some form of Senior Services that can help you tremendously. Feeling like a failure in this case is like a cat rescuer feeling like a failure because she can't perform a spay surgery.

In other news, I DO remember party lines, and how excited my mother was when we qualified for a 3-party line, rather than a 7-party line! We went from 2 short, 3 long, 2 short rings to 2 long, 1 short! I also remember that our code was AD(ams), but not the actual numbers (I was about 3 at the time). The ONLY people we knew with a private line were the Sharpes, and Mitch was Werner Von Braun's right-hand man, and qualified because of the VERY private nature of Redstone Arsenal's work on the space program.

 

[segelkatt]

She said that it is impossible to tell. He needs to be examined by specialists and, as he won't leave the house, it would have to be done in a hospital. He is not stupid and refuses to answer certain questions by avoiding them usually by saying they are childish. He will not try to change the tablets he is addicted to and take something more appropriate to his condition. I can't comment on whether the alternatives really give him side-affects or whether he's just scared of taking something new. I am not a doctor and, as I have already told him, I cannot help him. I did encourage him to take other tablets but I can't make him do it.

But, thank you for your encouragement - basically I know what I should do, but I feel such a failure!

why should you feel like a failure? You have done everything you could and then some. I think HE is making you feel like a failure - don't let him do this to you!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Posted this in "Funny Pics," but wanted to share it here, since not everybody goes there. A friend sent me her daughter's wedding announcement, although it was too dark to scan. At any rate, her daughter is marrying a man whose last name is "Watt," making this the "Huh-Watt" wedding. I SO hope that they hyphenate their names!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

LOL, we wander off, then we wander back! SO appropriate for this thread!


THINGS I LEARNED AFTER 60
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

SO...which on is your favorite? Mine is #17. Luckily, my friends realize that if I wait for the end of a sentence, I will have forgotten entirely what I wanted to say, and may well call them at 4 AM when it pops back in my mind randomly!

 

[Jcatbird]

All of them! I did get a hilarious mental image from number 10 though!