Frustrated with my half-feral cat...

[chint]

Thank you Yes, she surprises me by taking these leaps of faith I honestly feel I could've been doing better... I've not been the best cat-parent out there. But apparently it works and she's beginning to feel really safe, so... I'm glad

 

[ondine]

 
Thank you Yes, she surprises me by taking these leaps of faith I honestly feel I could've been doing better... I've not been the best cat-parent out there. But apparently it works and she's beginning to feel really safe, so... I'm glad

There are time when we all feel that way!  The important thing is, you took the time to adopt her and help her.  Lots of people would not have done so, so kudos to you.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

That video made my day!  What a wonderful job you have done with this cat, and you did, indeed, get her at the roughest age for ANY cat, those "teenage" months (well...they have the "terrible twos" stage when young kittens, as well)!  They're all little jerks at that stage, even the well-socialized ones, very much like their two-footed counterparts!  

 YOU HAVE A PET NOW!!!  And things will only continue to get better as you go along!  WELL DONE!

 

[msaimee]

Glad to see how well she has settled in!

 

[chint]

Thanks for the replies It's about the same as last time I posted here... some small changes, but mostly the same. I've been trying to lift her, to get her accustomed to that... perhaps a bit early? After not many attempts I can get my hands underneath her frontpaws, and lift her as high as she gets... with her claws firmly attached to whatever she's holding on to. I lifted her just now, so that her claws let loose, and got myself a couple of scars... nothing to deep or hurtful, but she meowed and jumped off my hands. She was calm right after, so she wasn't too scared, not for long anyway, but she really disliked being "weightless". Am I moving too fast? Should I wait with trying to lift her until she... is that like the last step? Or should I just keep lifting her, and just accepts that she holds on to whatever she's lying on with her claws? That she'll let go when she's ready?

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Oh, she has come SUCH a long way! And I have a feeling you'll never have to worry about snakes in your house (here in coastal NC, that's always a possibility) from what I saw on that video!

Sorry it took me so long to get back here...I've been crawling over the learning curve for the new site!

 

[orange&white]

Here's a technique I used with Farrell. I would squat down and when she came to me, I would quickly pick her up, put her on my lap and take my hands off her immediately. Once she was plopped on my lap but not restrained in any way...she could choose whether to hop down immediately or hang out on my lap a bit. She was still close to the floor at all times.

Wear jeans or thick pants so you don't get your thighs scratched if she darts.

 

[beach potato]

It took some time for my cat to get use to me and being picked up or touched, a couple of months of letting her get to her own level of comfort. Now she talks up a storm and gets affectionate when we are outside she stays with the tail whip thing going on my legs..... lol....She does stay outside all day and I make her come in to sleep inside or she would stay outside all night. Loves to be exploring around the neighborhood. Fortunate for her we live in the country setting with possum, raccoons, chickens etc. so there is a natural feel to the outdoors.
My recommendation is to let it just evolve at its own pace and keep the cat safe.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Y'all are doing fine. And you have some good suggestions. It's ok to nudge, but not to push. That's the key, here. So far, so very, very good!

 

[chint]

Hmm, she's spending an awful lot of the time in the bedroom these days... have tried shutting the door, and she went under the couch a couple of times. She hasn't done that in ages, well, except for just a couple of days when my landlord was home and had her grandchildren - they made a lot of noise so Mille got scared and hidd under the coach. After that, I got her out of there, and she laid on the couch and slept there, but if the door to the bedroom is open she'll spend almost all the day in the bedroom... something I should be concerned about? Doesn't really seem to be a problem otherwise, she's just there, laying on the bed, a lot. I've also stopped with feliway (due to heat, got to have the windows open), the windows are more open so there's a little more noise, and I've been kind of naggy I guess the last time... wanting to cuddle with her. Maybe it's just that it's a little more chilly in the bedroom? Or is she retreating from my nagging?

 

[astrael]

Cats choose "their" places. It's just a place she's claimed as hers. My hubby and I took in a feral from the colony, Scutch, that really wanted to come in. He's now an indoor only kitty. He spends about 75% of his time either in the window or the foot of our bed. Cats need like 18 hours of sleep. It's perfectly normal. (Though, this young they're either bouncing off the walls or sleeping, no in between. At least not with my nutcase here. lol)

It's hard transitioning them sometimes, but I think much like Scutch, your girl is much happier with the pet life. They just take a little more patience sometimes. Also, cats usually like it pretty warm. They reach homeostasis (no energy expended keeping warm or cool) at 82 F. But they also like fresh air and the interesting smells that come in.

We bug Scutch with affection until he just gives in. He's learned if he shows his belly, it'll get pet. He loves it now. :-)

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Yep, she's just making herself at home and staking out her favorite spots. They all do it. And small children can make me want to hide under the couch, as well! I'm with her on that one. Too old for all of that now!

 

[cat marcum]

I had 3 in our feral community fixed in November - they had been feral for 7 months. Had them fixed and released the 2 boys that were ready to go back out but kept the female inside longer and we got too attached to let her go back outside. We allowed her to do things on her own terms and yes living under the bed was an option for several days however with time and patience she has become a loving and important part of our family. She sleeps by my side ever night and greets me every morning. Everything is still new so we are careful when introducing her to new things around the house like the sweeper and ceiling fans. My cousin came over recently and she joined us in the living room and before he left she was licking his hand and sitting beside him. We make sure everyone coming into the house just ignore her and let her move at her own pace. It has been a rewarding experience as my other two cats before were all adopted at young ages and Tipper was 7 months old when she was made an indoor only cat.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

How are things going on your end? Keeping my fingers crossed for yet more improvement!

 

[chint]

I don't know... not good. I've given everything I've got for a 3 and a half months now, and we're not even halfway there. I got a cat to make life a little bit easier, not the other way around. She hisses at me every now and then, and I'm having a really hard time not taking it personal and not getting nervous by it... and not doing this and doing that etc. And everything has to be on her terms all the f'ing time. I can't say I feel like it's giving back for what it costs. And I know that's probably not a popular thing to say, that's how I feel anyway, regardless. It's becoming much more of a liability than it is a positive addition...
We've also going a little backwards the last week or so, I've not exactly been doing my best... I'm just tired and a little angry.

 

[msaimee]

I think you echo the way every parent, every person in a parental role, and every caregiver for a special needs animal feels at times. We enter into a caring role with the expectation that there will be a big payoff, and that the one we are caring for will become loving and affectionate, and everything we hope for in a child/pet. I have to remind myself on almost a daily basis that love and care sometimes requires selflessness, a thick skin, and letting go of my expectations so that I can truly help another soul (animal or human) in need. I work with kids with autism, developmental disabilities, and mental health/behavioral issues. It's hard not to take it personally when they call me derogatory names, become aggressive, elope, etc. I get angry and frustrated sometimes. But I am there to help them regardless of whether or not they appreciate my help. On the animal front, one of my rescued feral cats still does not want to be touched or picked up, four years later. But she is content and safe, and I have the satisfaction knowing that I've saved her life and given her a chance when very few other people would have. And even though she doesn't rub up against and purr (ever), she enjoys playing with her toys, and she looks at me with big, adorable eyes, and whenever she sees me open my front door, she runs in the opposite direction because she never wants to return to life outdoors. Working with difficult kids and difficult cats is helping me to become a better person, and sometimes that is the big payoff.

If you released your kitty back outside or returned her to the shelter, I suspect you might worry and even feel guilty, wondering about how she is doing, and you would likely miss her--and that would be harder than being patient when she sometimes hisses at you. Three and a half months is not long at all. It took three months for the last little feral I took inside to allow me to even touch her. And my favorite, most beloved cat ever was an outdoor feral who stole my heart, but never allowed me to touch him, ever. We connected on a deeply spiritual and emotional level that I can't explain, and I continue to grieve his death a year later. Cats, like people, all express love differently. You are making wonderful progress with your kitty. I hope you will continue to hang in there with her! I hope I'm not coming across as being "preachy"--I'm just trying to share from my heart with you that what you are doing has value, and whether or not your kitty becomes an affectionate lap cat or not, you are making a huge difference in her life, and she appreciates it even if she's can't express it to you all the time.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I really could not have expressed it better. And occasional backslides are perfectly normal, while infinitely frustrating. You are doing well with her, even if you have trouble seeing it. As for occasional hissing...I get that, and Hekitty was never anything resembling feral. She's just a cranky little git on occasion. She's been mine since day one (I literally chose her when she was less than 12 hours old), she was dumped on me when she was barely 5 weeks old and I had to bottle feed her in addition to her kitten food, and she STILL will not allow me to pick her up or cuddle her close. SHE gets in MY lap on her terms, at her discretion, but any sign of me wanting to hold her close has her headed for the hills. She's taught me a lot about non-possessive loving. Perhaps we get the cat we need more than the cat we want. Hang in there! Vent here if you need to. It will let you deal with her in a more balanced, effective way! and

This occurred to me just after I hit the post button...cats are very Zen creatures. Perhaps the key is to try to achieve a state of non-attachment to gentling her while continuing to work with her. Meet her Zen with a bit of your own! That may help, as well. Lower the stress and expectations on BOTH of you!

 

[orange&white]

Chint, I was just thinking of you the other day, wondering how you and Mille were doing. With the new site upgrade, I'm having some trouble not being notified of new posts on threads that I was following.

I think I told you about the very shy kitten I adopted in Sept 1987. She ran to hide every time I stood up and hissed at me every time I picked her up for her entire 16.5 year life. She was very sweet though, and laid on top of me to be petted as long as I was lying down.

In Dec 1989, a college friend said that a woman had moved out of an apartment and had abandoned two kittens inside with not food/water/litter. He was keeping one kitten and asked if I wanted the other one.

I told him that I had one shy cat that didn't seem to like me and why would I want two? Anyway, he convinced me to come meet the kittens. The little black/grey tabby came up to me to be petted and held, and when I picked him up he threw his paws around my neck and gave me a big hug with lots of purrs. He nestled in my arms on his back and loved a major belly rub. "OK. I'll take him."

Soooo....I think you need to adopt a friendly domestic cat who you can love on when you want, and let Mille sit in the corner if that makes her happy and content. Two cats don't eat much more than one cat, and you have all the toys already.

 

[chint]

Thanks for the wonderful replies, all of you, really sound advice and feedback. Unfortunately, I've made the decision to return her to the shelter. This just isn't working out for neither one of us. As I might've said between the lines; I've given up... I'm tired, I'm angry, and it's not fair for Mille. She will be better off with someone who has more training with feral/half-feral cats, and have more patience and maybe wants less back. Probably not a decision everyone will agree with, but that's the decision I've been circling towards for the last time-period. I don't have anymore to give, and Mille feeds on that energy and gets confused, more skittish and a little hostile. Which in turn makes me skittish and nervous. It's draining both of us, and it just doesn't work, even though I would like it to. I've contacted the shelter, I also said that I think they could've said that Mille was a feral cat, and not just "shy", and they said they were sorry, and if I wanted they had a cozy and tame cat they guaranteed for. So I'm thinking about it. I'm returning Mille next thursday... going to be a sad next week.