Freeing Myself Of Cats

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jefferd18

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Two days after the death of my beloved Pallina I found two dying kittens on two different occasions, a few hours apart. What a luck!
Understandably at that time I only needed to grieve, to cry and to suffer over the death of my cat, but I was forced to take care of those two poor souls. I was so glad that I found them and they found me, it was mid-August, who else could have done something for them?
In particular, the saving of one of the two kitties, the circumstances that led me to finding him and what I did for him on that day, still make me extremely proud of myself, and some tears roll down my face when I think of that day.
I devoted entirely to them during the time they were home with me (6 weeks), before I adopted them out.

But I have to admit that on certain days I kind of hated them because they were distracting me from my pain, I only wanted to cry and be desperate, but I had to give them the meds, play with them, take them to the vet visits, scoop their litter boxes, etc.
On those days I was sure, adamant, that my Pallina was mad at me because I was saving their lives instead of crying over her.

When I adopted them out I had my time to grieve again, and in time I thought that maybe, maybe, Pallina had made me cross the path of the two dying kittens because she knew that I would need something different in my hands, or I would have gone crazy for sure.
I might even think that those two kittens saved me, and that Pallina made it possible.

So, consider Inky, Gypsy, and Shanghai as a life buoy that is helping you not to sink and drown in your pain.
It is even possible that one day you will thank them.

Thank you, Antionio65, for not only offering comfort in regards to Jeff but also for sharing your own personal story of those two incredible felines, Pallina and Lola. I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling when they both had to leave you. Friends like that don't come around everyday and i know you cherished the years you had with them. However, remember that it is only a temporary good-bye. Those two haven't gone far, and the three of you will be reunited.

Yes, I believe that Pallina wanted you to find those kittens- in fact, I am sure she pointed you in their direction. I believe cats have more empathy than most people, and she knew that you would be the one who could save those vulnerable babies. She knows you possess the patience, the compassion, and the interest, for the welfare of those who can not speak for themselves. In other words, what she is trying to say, is that while you recognize the special place that both she and Lola held in your heart, they too knew that they had a rare and special friend in you.

I am so glad that you understand my emotional conflict- there are times when I not only resent some of my other cats but I also find myself comparing them to Jeff. And thank you for the shared empathy of knowing what it's like to want to join our feline friends. My heart is broken and my brain is in a dark place these days.

Its funny, but I felt so immediately comfortable when I met Jeff, almost like I had known her before. If that is the case then I hope we meet again, and when we do, I will embrace her and then I will thank her, for all the wisdom and love she gave me.
 

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jefferd18 jefferd18 ,

Your life with Jeff sounds very much like the times I had with two of my cats, Lola and Tom. It's almost like the mix of them two.

To Lola I was the only person on this planet. There could have been other creatures around, but to her they were just presences, a little more than shadows, in a world were the only two beings of worth were she and I.
I was her world, her light, her safe harbor, her everything. Only I was allowed to do her whatever thing she would need. Her trust in me was larger than the universe. We were connected across time and space, she could feel me even hundreds of miles away, I could know what she was feeling even when she was out of my sight by far. We were able to communicate by speech (no-one could believe it) or by simply looking at one other's eyes.

Tom arrived as a stray adult to my yard, and it was like he always belonged to that place. He would follow me during my jobs outside, was of moral support every time I had to do something. He was a loyal friend, true and honest. As I had written in his tribute, I will never thank him enough for letting me be his friend. He stayed with me only a bit more than two years, he was around 5-7 years old when he arrived, but it seemed to me we had known forever.

His death left me in despair, and I still think of him after 6 years. I have another semi-feral boy in my yard, and every now and then I find myself calling him Tom.
Tom sent me a kitten in desperate need of help, I know that, I can swear it was him, and I did my best, at least to give him the best life he could have before he died. I could feel Tom behind that kitten.
Then the death of Lola, and this brought me to the brink of depression. I was sure I was going to die myself in the very moment she passed away. Who knows, maybe I even wished I would die so to follow her.

I understand that Jeff was unique in any way, and this is why you feel her absence so much. Both of you needed the other one, you were complete when you were together, that's why now you feel adrift, lost, alone.
And I think I can understand you completely, because I feel just the same. I feel that my life is pointless now, I feel I have no purpose in my existence, and I cry every day, every single day, more times a day.

I also understand that in US, going to a therapist (or a shrink) is more common than here. And someone adviced me to go to a therapist as well, but I don't want to go to them. Firstly because I do not believe in doctors, let alone those who claim they can see what's in my mind and find a solution.
Secondly because I fear that they could erase my pain for good, maybe even erase the memories of what my cats were. I don't think I want to feel better either, it is likely that I want to keep feeling my pain as it is. It is likely that it's the only way to feel my cats close to me, as they were still alive.

But I would never make other creatures suffer because of my pain. Getting rid of your cats, adopting them out to wonderful homes, isn't the solution to your grief. You would only cause sufference and sadness in creatures who are trusting you deeply and know, swear, you will never betray them. It is also probable that you will suffer for your decision, and it wouldn't be any way back, just like there's no way back to Jeff.
Would you really live the rest of your life with this regret?
 

Mia6

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I also understand that in US, going to a therapist (or a shrink) is more common than here. And someone adviced me to go to a therapist as well, but I don't want to go to them. Firstly because I do not believe in doctors, let alone those who claim they can see what's in my mind and find a solution.
Secondly because I fear that they could erase my pain for good, maybe even erase the memories of what my cats were. I don't think I want to feel better either, it is likely that I want to keep feeling my pain as it is. It is likely that it's the only way to feel my cats close to me, as they were still alive.
Why don't you give it a try? jefferd18 jefferd18 :hugs: is going to when his health insurance kicks in. It may surprise you and be a good thing. :hugs:
It has helped me so much in dealing with the Vincie's girls passing.
 
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jefferd18

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[
My cat Eliot died of a blood clot. There was probably an undiagnosed heart condition that the vet had missed, although one of the techs was suspicious of it. He literally fell over at my feet and that was it. I know that sounds terrible, but I do not believe that he suffered at all. Most clot related medical episodes are lightening fast which is I suppose the good news about them.

I have consulted animal psychics before. As was stated, there are good ones and bad ones, so you need to be careful. Don't give personal information to them which might help them to weave a story which will make sense to you because they have had a basis on which to build.

The one I used years ago was good, meaning that she definitely had some ability to pick up information from the field, some even quite accurate. For example, she told me to get the yellow blanket out of the bedroom and bring it back to my German shepherd because it had been his favorite and he wondered where it was. Her belief was that people and animals are reincarnated and that some of mine had been with me before...but she was completely wrong in one case.

The others I observed, once at a night time meeting of certain clients at the vet's office, were just weak and treading water.

Please take care of yourself; December is not too far away for your insurance to become available.


Thank you, fionasmom for assuring me that Jeff did not suffer. I am sorry about Elliot, for although I know it was a blessing for him, it was a startling shock and heartbreak for you.

My vet, who is no shrinking violet when it comes to telling the truth, also felt that Jeff died very quickly. He said she wouldn't have experienced any anxiety or fear because she would not have felt it coming. I truly pray that was the case- I was so protective of her and couldn't bear the thought of her being in pain or feeling frighten. I struggle with the decision that another member of my family made in putting her out that night. What I wouldn't give to have March 29th back again.

I too have wondered about reincarnation in the past and the feeling that I had about Jeff, like I had met her before, has brought that mysterious theory to mind again.

Do you remember the name of that person and could you please give me her name? It might sound strange but the fact that she wasn't always right on the money gives me faith in her.
 

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Why don't you give it a try? jefferd18 jefferd18 :hugs: is going to when his health insurance kicks in. It may surprise you and be a good thing. :hugs:
It has helped me so much in dealing with the Vincie's girls passing.
Thanks for your concern, Mia6 Mia6 , but as I wrote, my trust in doctors in very low and even lower in doctors who claim they are able to examine our minds.
Then I believe that in order to help the doctor do their job I should tell them what happened and what I feel. And I don't know how to put in words what Ifeel. It is hard to describe, every time I think about how I'm feeling and ask myself what is in my mind I give myself different answers. My feelings are very confused.
Then, again, I wouldn't like to spend hundreds on something that might not help, I'd rather spend that money on feral cats.
And last, I don't know if I have the time to do that... it seems to me I'm always short on time.

I happened to see a kitten who is looking for a good home and I would like to adopt her, but something inside me tells me I'm not ready, and I couldn't be good enough for her.
 
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jefferd18

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jefferd18 jefferd18 ,

Your life with Jeff sounds very much like the times I had with two of my cats, Lola and Tom. It's almost like the mix of them two.

To Lola I was the only person on this planet. There could have been other creatures around, but to her they were just presences, a little more than shadows, in a world were the only two beings of worth were she and I.
I was her world, her light, her safe harbor, her everything. Only I was allowed to do her whatever thing she would need. Her trust in me was larger than the universe. We were connected across time and space, she could feel me even hundreds of miles away, I could know what she was feeling even when she was out of my sight by far. We were able to communicate by speech (no-one could believe it) or by simply looking at one other's eyes.

Tom arrived as a stray adult to my yard, and it was like he always belonged to that place. He would follow me during my jobs outside, was of moral support every time I had to do something. He was a loyal friend, true and honest. As I had written in his tribute, I will never thank him enough for letting me be his friend. He stayed with me only a bit more than two years, he was around 5-7 years old when he arrived, but it seemed to me we had known forever.

His death left me in despair, and I still think of him after 6 years. I have another semi-feral boy in my yard, and every now and then I find myself calling him Tom.
Tom sent me a kitten in desperate need of help, I know that, I can swear it was him, and I did my best, at least to give him the best life he could have before he died. I could feel Tom behind that kitten.
Then the death of Lola, and this brought me to the brink of depression. I was sure I was going to die myself in the very moment she passed away. Who knows, maybe I even wished I would die so to follow her.

I understand that Jeff was unique in any way, and this is why you feel her absence so much. Both of you needed the other one, you were complete when you were together, that's why now you feel adrift, lost, alone.
And I think I can understand you completely, because I feel just the same. I feel that my life is pointless now, I feel I have no purpose in my existence, and I cry every day, every single day, more times a day.

I also understand that in US, going to a therapist (or a shrink) is more common than here. And someone adviced me to go to a therapist as well, but I don't want to go to them. Firstly because I do not believe in doctors, let alone those who claim they can see what's in my mind and find a solution.
Secondly because I fear that they could erase my pain for good, maybe even erase the memories of what my cats were. I don't think I want to feel better either, it is likely that I want to keep feeling my pain as it is. It is likely that it's the only way to feel my cats close to me, as they were still alive.

But I would never make other creatures suffer because of my pain. Getting rid of your cats, adopting them out to wonderful homes, isn't the solution to your grief. You would only cause sufference and sadness in creatures who are trusting you deeply and know, swear, you will never betray them. It is also probable that you will suffer for your decision, and it wouldn't be any way back, just like there's no way back to Jeff.
Would you really live the rest of your life with this regret?




I understand what you are saying. I personally don't think the memories lessen if the pain does, in fact, I think the memories become more tolerable.

Right now my pain is so intense that I am in total misery over Jeff- I don't take care of myself, I break down when thinking about her, and I can't sleep. My feeling is this: Jeff not only trusted me, she also knew that I had her back, that I would always protect her. As mentioned before, I want to connect with Jeff and find out if she is okay. I can't do that if I am in a confused state of mind. I am of no good to her, or anyone else, as long as this massive grief keeps me from functioning.

I would much rather do something in Jeff's name than to keep constantly breaking down whenever I think of her. I think my grief is confusing Jeff right now and may be causing emotional pain to her. She would not want me to be unhappy, but yet, that is exactly what I am. It is killing me.

A therapist is not a psychiatrist, they are people who can suggest steps to help overcome grief, to channel it into something more productive. Right now I'll take what I can get.


Re-homing any of my animal companions is not something I take lightly. One of the reasons for that is that I don't trust a whole lot of people out there.

I have re-homed two cats and a cockatiel in my lifetime and there was much research and scrutiny done on my end. One of my cats went to a co-worker of my mothers, a woman in her sixties who had lost her husband two years earlier. That cat became her world. My sister finally convinced her husband that they needed a cat and I drove across the country to Arizona to deliver kitty.

So please know that my parents taught all five of us kids that taking on a pet was a huge responsibility and commitment. We were never allowed to tease or disrespect any animal- my parents didn't play that game. And even through fog of depression I am now going through, those values are still deep inside me.

have no doubt that some of my current cats will have to be re-homed, (especially, Figaro!) in the future but not now- not while my brain is so muddled.
 

donutte

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I'm coming up on the four year anniversary of the loss of my sweet boy Lucky. I think you said it was six months ago? You have to allow yourself time to grieve. I know you said you haven't "gotten over" it. I still haven't, almost four years later. I spent so much time trying to figure out what I could do to fill that hole in my heart. I opened my home to another kitty to honor his memory. I started volunteering at a cat shelter. Donating money to said shelter. I then started up my own cat sitting business specializing in special needs cats. Lucky is all over everything to do with my business, and in fact, I refer to it as his legacy.

I completely understand how hard it is. But please understand that rehoming your cats won't necessarily make the pain go away. In fact, you'll likely be grieving even more over the loss of your rehomed kitties.

I know I felt like I couldn't give my all to my kitties when Lucky died either. And I had two kittens who were not yet six months old demanding my attention! Plus they were wondering what happened to their Uncle Lucky, and wondering where he was - they loved him so much.

One thing I was told a long time ago - never make big decisions while you are grieving. This is a HUGE decision. If you have not talked it over with a therapist (not referring to just any medical professional, I mean an actual therapist), I would. At length, I would discuss it.

I personally cannot imagine losing my cats. I think if I was in the position you are where you want to dedicate your life to ferals, I'd let my current brood live out their lives with me and not adopt again. I think that would probably be the happiest medium in such a situation.

But again, give yourself more time to grieve. Allow yourself this. I have no words for how much I cried. I still carry the weight (literally - I turned to food for comfort) of that period of time in my life. If helping the feral cats gives you joy, or a sense of doing something good, you can absolutely still do that while you have cats at home. I know so many people who have dedicated their lives to helping other cats, all while having their own at home. Cats understand more than we give them credit for I think.
 

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I don't mean to restate something unpleasant, but if it gives you any peace it might be worth it. Eliot was literally walking down the hall toward me and he fell over deceased. It was probably less than 5 seconds between life and passing. It would have happened if he were outside, inside, alone, or with me. Nothing else accompanied it at all.

The communicator I saw was over 15 years ago and I cannot find her card. She was an older woman and might not still be in practice. animaltalk.net is a website that does list communicators and also give advice about choosing one. If I do locate any information about the woman I used, I will PM you.
 
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jefferd18

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I don't mean to restate something unpleasant, but if it gives you any peace it might be worth it. Eliot was literally walking down the hall toward me and he fell over deceased. It was probably less than 5 seconds between life and passing. It would have happened if he were outside, inside, alone, or with me. Nothing else accompanied it at all.

The communicator I saw was over 15 years ago and I cannot find her card. She was an older woman and might not still be in practice. animaltalk.net is a website that does list communicators and also give advice about choosing one. If I do locate any information about the woman I used, I will PM you.

Thank you, fionasmom, I am sorry for you to have to think of an unpleasant memory but it is a comfort to know that Elliot, and probably Jeff, felt no pain, no consciousness of their body shutting down. I know Jeff, she loved life and she was a fighter, so I am relieved that she didn't have to fight.

But I am an emotional mess right now. Its hard for me to talk about her without getting choked up and it hard for me to think about the memories of her without them becoming distorted. It is like she is haunting me.

Thank you for giving me the link. If someone can truly help me connect with Jeff, I know I will have a greater peace of mind.
 
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jefferd18

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Why don't you give it a try? jefferd18 jefferd18 :hugs: is going to when his health insurance kicks in. It may surprise you and be a good thing. :hugs:
It has helped me so much in dealing with the Vincie's girls passing.


Latest update, for you Mia. :) He is growing so big and losing those adorable lion cub ears. He is looking more like a cat now.

1571507029245.png
 
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jefferd18

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I'm coming up on the four year anniversary of the loss of my sweet boy Lucky. I think you said it was six months ago? You have to allow yourself time to grieve. I know you said you haven't "gotten over" it. I still haven't, almost four years later. I spent so much time trying to figure out what I could do to fill that hole in my heart. I opened my home to another kitty to honor his memory. I started volunteering at a cat shelter. Donating money to said shelter. I then started up my own cat sitting business specializing in special needs cats. Lucky is all over everything to do with my business, and in fact, I refer to it as his legacy.

I completely understand how hard it is. But please understand that rehoming your cats won't necessarily make the pain go away. In fact, you'll likely be grieving even more over the loss of your rehomed kitties.

I know I felt like I couldn't give my all to my kitties when Lucky died either. And I had two kittens who were not yet six months old demanding my attention! Plus they were wondering what happened to their Uncle Lucky, and wondering where he was - they loved him so much.

One thing I was told a long time ago - never make big decisions while you are grieving. This is a HUGE decision. If you have not talked it over with a therapist (not referring to just any medical professional, I mean an actual therapist), I would. At length, I would discuss it.

I personally cannot imagine losing my cats. I think if I was in the position you are where you want to dedicate your life to ferals, I'd let my current brood live out their lives with me and not adopt again. I think that would probably be the happiest medium in such a situation.

But again, give yourself more time to grieve. Allow yourself this. I have no words for how much I cried. I still carry the weight (literally - I turned to food for comfort) of that period of time in my life. If helping the feral cats gives you joy, or a sense of doing something good, you can absolutely still do that while you have cats at home. I know so many people who have dedicated their lives to helping other cats, all while having their own at home. Cats understand more than we give them credit for I think.

Thank you, donutte.

I am sorry about Lucky but am glad that you have found ways to honor his memory. What a fitting tribute to Lucky: giving love and comfort to those who need it the most.

Thank you for putting the time of grieving into perspective for me. Some people have told me that I have grieved too long for Jeff, so it is a relief to know that those people are wrong.


No, I won't make any major decisions while I feel this way because their are lives at stake here, but I will more than likely re-home a few of them. Figaro, for example, is making my life a stressful hell and has been ever since he came here as a four month old kitten.

As I mentioned in my earlier threads, Jeff had almost magical powers, I felt that I could weather anything or anyone with her at my side. Now, I'm not so sure.
 

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That little baby is so cute. My Patches was rejected by mum cat, mum was very young and a first litter. I think in that situation it is common for the mum cat to reject one because they don't have enough milk for all the kittens. I know it is best for them to stay with mum and their littermates but they are so precious when they are that small. They also form an especially close bond with humans.
 

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I know when my Chrissy died, I actually resented my other cats for being alive.......to be forced to care for them was a huge burden at the time, but in the long run it forced me to be in the here and now, where I did not want to be.
No one else will ever understand your pain. YOU loved Jeff, no one else. When someone else's cat dies, you feel pain/empathy for them, but your own pain is soul crushing and unique just to you. There is no time limit to learning to live with such grief. Those who say you should "be over it" by now are not going through what you are and should be avoided. They will never understand until they go through it too.
It helped me tremendously to donate small amounts in my Chrissy's name to pay for the adoption of the cat that had been there the longest. This somehow kept her memory alive for me to know her name was giving another the chance to experience what she had, the love between us.
We will all die some day. To be loved and cherished like we did our little ones would be a great honor for any of us. We have to open our hearts, let love in once more and to give back love for this to be achieved. We will all have forever what we shared with our loved ones. It is up to us to share and to spread that love, to let it grow, to let our souls fill up with it and fly, not get crushed into the dark, pain filled box that grief brings. A love like we shared is the meaning of life, the best part of life. It CAN mean something to us, something good again if we let it. But it takes time and finding the good that is always there if we seek it. Not dwelling in something that cannot be changed and bringing darkness to our souls. For each and every one of us, it takes a different amount of time, of learning to have hope for the future once more. One day at a time.........
 
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jefferd18

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That little baby is so cute. My Patches was rejected by mum cat, mum was very young and a first litter. I think in that situation it is common for the mum cat to reject one because they don't have enough milk for all the kittens. I know it is best for them to stay with mum and their littermates but they are so precious when they are that small. They also form an especially close bond with humans.

Hi denice- glad you like my friend's kitty. I just posted an update of him.I am glad you were there for Patches. :) This one's mother was just scattering her kittens- like Easter eggs.
 

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Thank you for putting the time of grieving into perspective for me. Some people have told me that I have grieved too long for Jeff, so it is a relief to know that those people are wrong.

Oh, those people were wrong, on SO many levels! When you love another living being, no matter how many legs it has, and you lose them, you grieve. And it takes as long as it takes. And we ALL do it differently. There are people who think that I didn't "really" grieve for my mother, because I seemed so calm. What they don't see is how it affected me inside, and the fact that 15 years later, it STILL hits me on occasion as if it had happened yesterday. That's how I grieve...a little at a time, for a long time. There is no one "right" way, except the one that helps you survive best. You'll also have some unfeeling nitwit at some point tell you, "It was JUST a cat." Ignore that person. They have no clue. Look, there are two kinds of people in this world (actually, there are hundreds of thousands of "two kinds of people"), those who live in a world of "it" and those who live in a world of "thou." WE live in a world of "thou," where each living creature is precious, and each life has deep meaning. And we suffer when a life is lost. But we also know joys and connections to this Earth that those living in a world of "it" will never know, and they are the poorer for it. For all the pain now, your life is richer because a sweet, furry Thou was a part of it, even if for far too brief a time.
 
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