foster cries when I am in a different room

jessicucat

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Hello, I am very stressed by my new fosters!! I am an experienced kitten foster -- I've nursed dozens of litters before and socialized babies in my bathroom. I've moved into a new place and while I don't have the energy for the little ones, I thought I could open up my home to an adult cat that needs space to stretch instead of being cooped in a crate at the shelter or rescue.

The first cat that they gave me was named Fluffy. Fluffy was super sweet but it became very apparent to me that she has separation anxiety. She would cry whenever I was out of sight, even when I was just in the bathroom for a minute. Eventually it got to the point where she would follow me everywhere and meow loudly to divert my attention to her no matter how full my hands were, and she also started knocking over her food bowls because she knew I would come over from whatever I was doing to clean it. I tried hard to not give in, but she was yowling at night for attention despite being spayed -- I timed it one night because I couldn't sleep, and she would yowl for about 15 minutes every hour from when I went to my room (11pm) to when I eventually leave my room (originally 9am but it goes as early at 6am when I just need her to be quiet). Even sleeping on the couch didn't work, since she would yowl for me to wake up and pay attention to her. My neighbor (I'm in an apartment) complained of the noise after a couple of weeks, which I think was very fair of her, if not also very patient considering just how disruptive the cries are. I told the rescue that I was very overwhelmed and asked if they had a more independent kitty I could help out instead.

I'm currently sitting here with the new kitty, whose name is Spots. From the get go, Spots already seems much more independent, but I don't know if that will change over time. She just came today and she doesn't seem to care for me very much, she just plopped on the floor in the opposite corner away from me. Then I went to take a shower, and I hear it -- Spots is crying!!!!!! I went back to the living room and she's sitting there, grooming herself. I thought it was a fluke and went to get dressed in my room, and again, she's crying!!! Now I'm super scared of how vocal she will be when I retire to my bedroom tonight.

I've never dealt with this before. All of the kittens (and their mama cats, for the non-orphan litters) were always cool with chilling in a bathroom with little attention from me. They never cried just because I was out of sight. I don't know what to do, I've already tried to ignore the cries and to not give attention because I know that's what they want, but I've been going two weeks without proper sleep because of Fluffy and promised my neighbor I would get a different foster. I can't let Spots into my bedroom at night because I'm allergic and my allergist strictly requires my room to be cat-free as a refuge from the allergens, and this is a big reason why I foster instead of adopt because fostering lets me keep that distance. I'm very stressed and I don't want to let the rescue group down by returning Spots as well. I make sure there is food and water and that the litter is clean and I play with them a lot before I go to bed. I know it takes time but I'm scared of my neighbors complaining again. I'm also due to return to in person work and would like to be well rested, but I'm also scared that the fosters will cry when I'm out of the apartment and annoy my neighbors even more. Do you have any guidance?
 

Xena44

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Hello, I am very stressed by my new fosters!! I am an experienced kitten foster -- I've nursed dozens of litters before and socialized babies in my bathroom. I've moved into a new place and while I don't have the energy for the little ones, I thought I could open up my home to an adult cat that needs space to stretch instead of being cooped in a crate at the shelter or rescue.

The first cat that they gave me was named Fluffy. Fluffy was super sweet but it became very apparent to me that she has separation anxiety. She would cry whenever I was out of sight, even when I was just in the bathroom for a minute. Eventually it got to the point where she would follow me everywhere and meow loudly to divert my attention to her no matter how full my hands were, and she also started knocking over her food bowls because she knew I would come over from whatever I was doing to clean it. I tried hard to not give in, but she was yowling at night for attention despite being spayed -- I timed it one night because I couldn't sleep, and she would yowl for about 15 minutes every hour from when I went to my room (11pm) to when I eventually leave my room (originally 9am but it goes as early at 6am when I just need her to be quiet). Even sleeping on the couch didn't work, since she would yowl for me to wake up and pay attention to her. My neighbor (I'm in an apartment) complained of the noise after a couple of weeks, which I think was very fair of her, if not also very patient considering just how disruptive the cries are. I told the rescue that I was very overwhelmed and asked if they had a more independent kitty I could help out instead.

I'm currently sitting here with the new kitty, whose name is Spots. From the get go, Spots already seems much more independent, but I don't know if that will change over time. She just came today and she doesn't seem to care for me very much, she just plopped on the floor in the opposite corner away from me. Then I went to take a shower, and I hear it -- Spots is crying!!!!!! I went back to the living room and she's sitting there, grooming herself. I thought it was a fluke and went to get dressed in my room, and again, she's crying!!! Now I'm super scared of how vocal she will be when I retire to my bedroom tonight.

I've never dealt with this before. All of the kittens (and their mama cats, for the non-orphan litters) were always cool with chilling in a bathroom with little attention from me. They never cried just because I was out of sight. I don't know what to do, I've already tried to ignore the cries and to not give attention because I know that's what they want, but I've been going two weeks without proper sleep because of Fluffy and promised my neighbor I would get a different foster. I can't let Spots into my bedroom at night because I'm allergic and my allergist strictly requires my room to be cat-free as a refuge from the allergens, and this is a big reason why I foster instead of adopt because fostering lets me keep that distance. I'm very stressed and I don't want to let the rescue group down by returning Spots as well. I make sure there is food and water and that the litter is clean and I play with them a lot before I go to bed. I know it takes time but I'm scared of my neighbors complaining again. I'm also due to return to in person work and would like to be well rested, but I'm also scared that the fosters will cry when I'm out of the apartment and annoy my neighbors even more. Do you have any guidance?
Feliway diffuser? What background did they come from? Were they from people who were always around? Like an elderly person?
 
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jessicucat

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Feliway diffuser? What background did they come from? Were they from people who were always around? Like an elderly person?
I tried a Feliway diffuser on Fluffy and it didn't work. I'm not sure if it's because she sits outside my door it that's too far for the diffuser to reach -- I live in a very old apartment and there one outlet per room at most (some of them don't even have outlets, can you believe that?? I asked the landlord if they could make new ones and they said the building is too old).

Fluffy was surrendered to the rescue and spent a few months in a crate at the rescue coordinator's home. I think Spots was also in the same arrangement, but I don't know Spots' history before that. I believe the coordinator's wife is retired so she always is home with them in the living room, so they might be used to always having a human around.
 
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jessicucat

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I tried a Feliway diffuser on Fluffy and it didn't work. I'm not sure if it's because she sits outside my door it that's too far for the diffuser to reach -- I live in a very old apartment and there one outlet per room at most (some of them don't even have outlets, can you believe that?? I asked the landlord if they could make new ones and they said the building is too old).

Fluffy was surrendered to the rescue and spent a few months in a crate at the rescue coordinator's home. I think Spots was also in the same arrangement, but I don't know Spots' history before that. I believe the coordinator's wife is retired so she always is home with them in the living room, so they might be used to always having a human around.
Sorry to double post, but I thought it was worth flagging that they don't let the fosters out of the crates. They stay in the living room when the coordinator's family retires to the bedroom at night, and apparently they don't cry from the crates. Spots doesn't seem as overly attached as Fluffy and doesn't even bother meowing in front of the room door, she just meows from wherever she is chilling. Perhaps a good sign??
 

Xena44

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When she was crying, what did you do? Did you comfort her? Did you call her to come to you? She may be looking for some reassurance because she has been in a number of homes lately. Maybe call her to come to you that way she knows that you are around for her. And that way she’s not always calling you to come to her. And that way she knows she can follow you around and it’s OK. Because That’s what some cats tend to do. When she feels more secure with her surroundings, maybe she will calm down some but right now she’s been through a lot and she’s probably a little traumatized. Maybe even try some rescue remedy. If you’re not familiar with it, just do an Internet search on rescue remedy. It’s really really good stuff and it helps the trauma and anxiety.
 
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jessicucat

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When she was crying, what did you do? Did you comfort her? Did you call her to come to you? She may be looking for some reassurance because she has been in a number of homes lately. Maybe call her to come to you that way she knows that you are around for her. And that way she’s not always calling you to come to her. And that way she knows she can follow you around and it’s OK. Because That’s what some cats tend to do. When she feels more secure with her surroundings, maybe she will calm down some but right now she’s been through a lot and she’s probably a little traumatized. Maybe even try some rescue remedy. If you’re not familiar with it, just do an Internet search on rescue remedy. It’s really really good stuff and it helps the trauma and anxiety.
Should I comfort her? I read online to ignore them when they cry, so I try to wait a minute until they stop before I show myself to them. I ordered some rescue remedy and will give it a try when it gets here.
 

angeladw

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I tried a Feliway diffuser on Fluffy and it didn't work. I'm not sure if it's because she sits outside my door it that's too far for the diffuser to reach -- I live in a very old apartment and there one outlet per room at most (some of them don't even have outlets, can you believe that?? I asked the landlord if they could make new ones and they said the building is too old).

Fluffy was surrendered to the rescue and spent a few months in a crate at the rescue coordinator's home. I think Spots was also in the same arrangement, but I don't know Spots' history before that. I believe the coordinator's wife is retired so she always is home with them in the living room, so they might be used to always having a human around.
 

angeladw

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Hello, do you think it might help to get a crate for Spots? Perhaps just having the crate will make him feel a bit secure with his own space.
 
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jessicucat

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Morning folks, Spots is indeed a night cried and I am once again totally haggard. In desperation I even opened the door to let her in, and she walks right out to the living room and continues meowing. I followed her once in case anything is wrong but she just wanted me to be in the living room with her. I made her a cozy little corner in my room with her favorite couch pillow and she doesn't care for it and keeps meowing. I hope the rescue remedy helps.
 
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jessicucat

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Hello, do you think it might help to get a crate for Spots? Perhaps just having the crate will make him feel a bit secure with his own space.
Apparently she was getting tired of the crate and that's why they gave her to me to stretch her legs. I did try to keep her in the bathroom to help her acclimate when she first came and she cried her head off, so I let her out. She was very comfortable with the space from the first minute so I let it go. I don't think she will take well to being in a crate unfortunately : (
 

angeladw

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I don't think she will take well to being in a crate unfortunately : (
I just meant a crate as a place to feel safe, you can leave the door open and let them go in and out as they like. Sometimes it’s just the familiar that helps. I hope you have luck with the rescue remedy.
 

Xena44

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Hello, do you think it might help to get a crate for Spots? Perhaps just having the crate will make him feel a bit secure with his own space.
I think it’s definitely worth a try. It may be a safe spot for her. I would comfort her. Not overly so. Not coddle but just to let her know that she is ok and you are there for her. She has been through a lot. I think being crated 24/7 can be traumatizing and not good for the psyche. glad you ordered the rescue remedy.
 

Xena44

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I just meant a crate as a place to feel safe, you can leave the door open and let them go in and out as they like. Sometimes it’s just the familiar that helps. I hope you have luck with the rescue remedy.
Exactly. And so a crate isn’t always associated with being cooped up.
 
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