First holiday without my girl

[angels4mom]

This is my first holiday without Mandie in fifteen years and it has been painful. It's also baby Autumns first Christmas. She's seven months old. I want to make it special for her and six year old Holly who, between her brother's death last year and Mandie's in June it has been rough on her. I miss Mandie terribly. I still feel guilty for having her put to sleep.

 

[catlover73]

Our babies always take a piece of our heart with them when they leave.  You made a difficult and painful decision when you had to put Mandie to sleep.  This is a final act of love towards our babies when it is time to end their suffering.  I have been there too.  You have nothing to feel guilty about and I am sure all your babies know how much you love them.  I know from my own experience that guilt tends to creep up on you when you have bad days and just miss your baby terribly. You did everything you could to give her a great life.  Sometimes there is really is nothing we can do to fix things and it is time to let them go no matter how much it hurts us because we are never ready to say good bye.  I had two senior brother that had been in my life since birth both of them had strokes and I had to make the difficult decision to end their suffering because their quality of life was gone. Claude was put to sleep in 2010 at the age of 15 and I had to put Tegato to sleep in 2012 at the age of 17.  There are still days when I miss them terribly.  I too went through a time where I felt guilty but the support of my friends and people on this site really helped me to see over time that there really was nothing to feel guilty about. 

 

[angels4mom]

Our babies always take a piece of our heart with them when they leave.  You made a difficult and painful decision when you had to put Mandie to sleep.  This is a final act of love towards our babies when it is time to end their suffering.  I have been there too.  You have nothing to feel guilty about and I am sure all your babies know how much you love them.  I know from my own experience that guilt tends to creep up on you when you have bad days and just miss your baby terribly. You did everything you could to give her a great life.  Sometimes there is really is nothing we can do to fix things and it is time to let them go no matter how much it hurts us because we are never ready to say good bye.  I had two senior brother that had been in my life since birth both of them had strokes and I had to make the difficult decision to end their suffering because their quality of life was gone. Claude was put to sleep in 2010 at the age of 15 and I had to put Tegato to sleep in 2012 at the age of 17.  There are still days when I miss them terribly.  I too went through a time where I felt guilty but the support of my friends and people on this site really helped me to see over time that there really was nothing to feel guilty about. 

One thing I still can't shake is the morning I took her to the vet she ate breakfast and jumped on the bed. I doubted my decision. She seemed so normal.

 

[nurseangel]

I'm so sorry.  I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.  You did what was best for your girl, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.  You loved her very much, still do, and did a selfless thing by letting her go.  

 

 

[catlover73]

One thing I still can't shake is the morning I took her to the vet she ate breakfast and jumped on the bed. I doubted my decision. She seemed so normal.

I understand where you are coming from.  My 15 year old cat was acting perfectly normal the morning the of day he had his stroke in 2010.  He was a shower cat.  He took showers with both myself and my hubby that morning.  I fed him and changed the water in the bowl before I left for the day with a friend to go visit another friend.  My hubby came home from work that day and found Claude hiding in the closet in our den barely able to walk.  He had poop in his fur and this had never happened with him.  My hubby called me and I told my friends that I had to leave immediately because there was an emergency with my cat.  Thankfully both my friends have pets so it was not an issue that I had to leave quickly.  Both of my friends personally knew my cat.  My friend that did the driving that day actually came in the house with to see what was going on with my cat. When I got home and saw how bad he was doing I started blaming myself because maybe I could have done something for him if I had been home.  Maybe I would have noticed something was off before the stroke even happened.  I understand exactly what you are saying and feeling.  

I was unemployed at the time and I was mad at myself for leaving him home alone to suffer while I was out having fun.  It took me a long time and a lot of support to realize that nothing would have changed if I had been home.  We waited 24 hours to make the decision to take him to the vet and put him to sleep. I actually made the decision myself because he was clearly not getting any better and called my hubby at work and told him it was time and he needed to come home now. When we took him to the vet the vet told me that me being home would not have prevented this from happening.  There was nothing that could be done that could guarantee his quality of life would improve. We made the difficult decision to say goodbye.  My hubby and I both stayed in the room talking to him and holding him until he was gone.  We stayed in the room holding him and crying after he was gone too. It took me a while to not end up in tears every time I took a shower.  There are still times even now where when I have a bad day I am tears taking a shower.   It does get easier my hubby and I are able to talk about Claude without ending up in tears. I can look at pictures of him now without ending up in tears.  

When his brother Tegato had to be put to sleep two years later due to the exact same thing it was like the same process all over again.  He had a stroke while I was at work.  I was only working part-time and was supposed to be off.  One of my co-workers had a family emergency and called me to see if I could cover for her.  He was acting perfectly normal that morning too.  He was asleep on the bed with me when I woke up.  He followed me around while I was getting ready to leave and then went back to sleep on my couch. He ate and drank some water before I left.  I came home and found him hiding in my closet.

It is a final act of love making the difficult decision to let them go and end their suffering.  I know that my babies would not have had a good quality of life for what little time they may have had left.  It does not matter that I was not ready all that matters is that I did not continue to allow them to suffer for me. I too have a multi-cat household.  I actually adopted a cat from a rescue to honor Claude and a kitten from another rescue to honor Tegato.  My way to honor them was to allow another baby to have a loving home.  You made a very difficult decision because you loved Maddie and did not want her to suffer.

 

[di and bob]

My heart goes out to you, I know the terrible pain in our hearts that comes from self doubt and guilt about all those what ifs and whys in our past. There is nothing good that comes from re-examining our past actions, there is always something to be found that we regret or don't understand. You ended the pain and suffering of a loved one, you saved a loved one from a future that had no cure, no end to the pain. For that I, and your sweet babies, thank you for finding the strength and courage to take on that pain as your own and being left behind to mourn the loss of those who are such an important part of your life.

You had so many years of shared love and devotion, please try to concentrate on the precious good memories that are left to you, and Autumn and Holly, who need you more then ever now. We can't help but miss those who were  such a big part of our life, it is our duty to try and let the sunshine and goodness from that legacy of love they entrusted to us flood our hearts and chase away the darkness and agony from the place they are now occupying. The bond we have formed will NEVER be taken from us as long as we live, not even death. Their 'essence' will be a part of us forever.

You will surely be blessed for having such a loving heart, and though no one can prevent pain and loss in our lives, you have the power to make sure that your loved ones are never forgotten and will always have a place in your loving heart.  Take care of yourself and know in your heart that your sweet babies will always be with you, love is more powerful then death will ever be.

 

[zed xyzed]

I hope you find comfort in that fact that your kitty knew you loved her and everything you did was to ease her suffering. It is awful how our minds keep reliving these decisions and make us examine and question everything we did. You were brave, and remember you did what you did because you loved her. She knows that and will tell you in person when you meet again at the rainbow bridge. 

 

[macha 143]

I am sorry to hear about your Mandie, we felt that guilt all the time and questioning ourselves if we made the right decision.

She was loved and cared and I am sure she knows it, you gave all your best (((hugs)))

 

[kittymomma1122]

Sorry for your losses. After we lost our pup of 15 years I donate her gifts that she would get under the tree to our animal shelter. She always picked and opened her own presents. A homeless animal would surely appreciate it.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

One thing I still can't shake is the morning I took her to the vet she ate breakfast and jumped on the bed. I doubted my decision. She seemed so normal.

Don't...don't do this to yourself.  They will rally and do well for a brief period, then go back down.  You did the right thing.  And at a huge cost to yourself.  And let it be a comfort to you that she left this world for the bridge after a good breakfast and a happy cuddle, rather than with pain and misery. 

 

[angels4mom]

Don't...don't do this to yourself.  They will rally and do well for a brief period, then go back down.  You did the right thing.  And at a huge cost to yourself.  And let it be a comfort to you that she left this world for the bridge after a good breakfast and a happy cuddle, rather than with pain and misery. 

One thought I can't shake too is the vet tech scruffing her really hard. There was no need for it. I could've held my baby. Mandie wasn't putting up a fight on the table. My angel's last moments were this. The vet was nice with some things but this is one I really wish I could forget. I've told Mandie it wasn't me grabbing her like that. I hope she hears me.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

One thought I can't shake too is the vet tech scruffing her really hard. There was no need for it. I could've held my baby. Mandie wasn't putting up a fight on the table. My angel's last moments were this. The vet was nice with some things but this is one I really wish I could forget. I've told Mandie it wasn't me grabbing her like that. I hope she hears me.

She hears you.  She knew it all along.  She knew every sound you make, every touch of your hands.  She knew.

 

[ruthm]

I'm so sorry for your loss of Mandie and I know the holidays make the loss so much more painful. When i lost my two older babies, I could not put up a Christmas tree for the next 7 years, so my precious little Tiger only knew Christmas trees for the last 5 years of her life :-( 

I also know it's hard for you to forgive yourself, but you need to forgive yourself. I can tell just by reading your post the love you had for your girl, and honestly, I think she knew it and loved you in return, unconditionally.  It is the absolute worst thing in the world to have to help our furbabies cross to the Rainbow Bridge, but when a kitty is suffering it is the most loving and kindest gift we can give them. Please I encourage you to read the post entitled, When The Moment Comes, by Gareth, it is absolutely the best on saying goodbye.  Hugs.