Feeling Post Adoption Regret/Anxiety Please Help

[ajohn707]

Hi All,

No judgements! I’m a junior in college and have always loved cats. I have never had one of my own and unfortunately did not grow up with any pets. However my roommate that just moved out had a cat that I adored and when she moved out I began looking into getting one of my own. I looked at a local shelter and decided to adopted a sweet 10 month old kitty from a shelter a little less than a week ago. The first night was great she was super sweet and mellow and went to sleep when I did. The next day she started to be a bit more destructive which I know that cats like to scratch things but she has plenty of toys and a scratching post. I would spray her with a squirt bottle but it did not seem to deter her at all. I ended up having to put her in the bathroom at night just to be able to get a couple hours of sleep which I felt awful about but had no other options. I’m a full time student and since most of my classes are online this semester I usually have quite a bit of work I have to get done throughout the day. However she was making it impossible to get anything done. Everytime I would pull out my laptop she goes straight for it and starts trying to bite the screen. I emailed the shelter I adopted her from and asked them what to do and they said to put her in the bathroom when I need to do work or sleep. I set up her bed, litter box, food, and toys in the bathroom but she would just cry and cry which made me feel awful. I keep breaking down into tears and feel as though I might not be the right home/person for her. I’ve had a pit in my stomach ever since and feel as though a part of me is screaming MISTAKE. I’m debating on returning her to the shelter but feel like an awful person for even considering it. Did anyone else go through this after adopting? Should I return her to the shelter? Please no judgements! I’m trying to be the best cat mom I can but I’m at my wits end and haven’t slept in 3 days.

 

[ArtNJ]

I had two kittens in essentially a studio in law school. And a 10 month old is, at least for this purpose, essentially still a kitten. Its something I have long thought a bad choice, marked "never again" as its just too dang hard. Those first two kittens unrolled the toilet paper, found a way to take my socks and underwear out of the drawer, and routinely had fights at 3 am during which they would sometimes literally run across my head. Its not likely to get better any time soon. This is not the right time in your life to get a kitten (or in this case, an adult sized cat that still behaves like a kitten, as 10 month olds do). When you are out of school and have either a larger apartment or a house, things will be different.

Happy to talk more about this. If you decide to keep the cat, you'll find a lot of help here. And certainly if you stick with things, it will eventually get better. However, it *will* very much cost you more sleep, at a time when you don't need to lose any, and I do suggest returning the cat.

 

[Whenallhellbreakslose]

Well, at 10 months old your kitty is almost an adult, but probably has plenty of kitten spunk in her. She could be a high energy cat who ends up being destructive because she is not getting the attention she needs. While having toys is wonderful, she needs to interact with you at least an hour a day. You need to play with her and spend time giving her attention. You could engage in play with her with a laser pointer or a feather wand. Here is an article that may help you with a high energy kitty. When cats don't have a good outlet for all this pented up energy, they can get destructive. This can happen when they are looking for attention from you. My cat knocks stuff off of counters when she is trying to get my attention. She is generally a good girl, but can be a complete jerk when she is attention-hungry. So try to understand where your kitty is coming from and please DO NOT use the spray on her, cats do not like it and it may enrage them and make her even more destructive. Vets have been speaking out against using the spray bottle. Instead redirect her behavior.
How to Calm a Hyperactive Cat - The Best Tips

If it seem that your kitty's behavior is from nervousness you need to make her feel as comfortable as possible. You haven't had her long, so this could be possible. Give her her space where she has places to hide and sleep (e.g. a cat cave). Perhaps, you could get a hold of a pheromone spray and use it to calm her down. Speak to her in a soft voice and try to keep the noise level down for her. She may just need time to settle in. Cats don't deal with change well, so maybe this is how she reacts to the big change of being brought into a new environment. The other thing I can think of is that she is lonley and is a cat who really needs another companion cat. My friend's cat was acting crazy, always looking for attention. When my friend got another cat, things changed. No more nutty, destructive behavior. The two kitties are BFFs now who perfectly compliment each other. Often enough, shelters have kittens adopted out in pairs or into a household with a playful young cat because they fare out better that way.

Please give it more time with your new cat. Try to see why she behaves this way and try to help her as best you can. If you have given it adequate time and tried everything possible, then maybe this cat is not a good fit in your household. If you got her at a no kill then talk to them and tell them it is not working out. If you got her from a shelter that puts down animal, please just look for another home for her, and do not bring her back to that shelter. I hope you don't have to do this and that whatever her issues are it can be worked out. Best of luck to you. Hope this post helps.

 

[rubysmama]

Hello and welcome to TCS. No judgements, at all. And rest assured you are not the first new cat parent who feels as though they've made a mistake. Sometimes the cat parent has returned the cat, but most times they get over their initial anxiety / uncertainty, and all works out well.

Right now I'm guessing the sleep deprivation is making things worse. But don't give up yet.

Your new kitty, at only 10 months old, is still a kitten. So has tons of energy and wants to play all the time. Playing with her a lot right before bedtime can help. And it hasn't been a week yet, so she is still getting used to her new mom, and new home, and her mom's schedule.

But again, she is still a kitten. How old was your roommates cat, btw?

Here's a TCS article that might have some tips for you:
How To Stop My Cat From Waking Me Up At Night (step-by-step Plan) – TheCatSite Articles

Oh, and though some people use a spray bottle to attempt to discipline a cat, TCS doesn't feel it's helpful, as per this article: 5 Reasons To Never Spray Water On Your Cat [Or otherwise punish them] – TheCatSite Articles

Maybe see how things go over the weekend when you're not as focused on school, and can spend more time getting to know your new kitty, and even going outside for a bit to clear your head. I hope things work out for you and kitty, but if they don't, that's ok too.

 

[nado]

You have adopted a kitten and they are very high energy!

First thing, stay calm and don't despair. Your kitten is still a baby even if she seems to be a full grown cat. She needs lots of love and attention from you, and she needs to expend energy. You said she has lots of toys and a scratching post, but are you playing WITH her? Remember, she has been in a shelter and needs to be properly socialized. This takes lots of time and patience. As a bare minimum, she should have at least three fifteen minute dedicated play sessions a day with you where she expends some of that energy she has. One of the best toys you can use to play with her is a cat fishing pole that you can find in almost any pet store. You are the only person she has, so please don't ignore her! She needs you to pay attention to her.

I'm not judging you, but I will judge the terrible advice that the shelter gave you regarding locking her in the bathroom when you need to get work done. That is cruel and accomplishes nothing. She is obviously distressed when you do that, and she is probably stressed just by being in a totally new environment from the shelter. Please give her a chance and time to adapt to her new surroundings. Also, rather than squirting her with a water bottle, if she is doing something inappropriate, redirect her behavior rather than punishing her. She does not know what you want. Please don't stress her out further, because it will only cause greater behavior problems.

Give yourself and your new companion to get used to each other. Compassion and kindness will always win the day!

 

[ajohn707]

Thank you so much for your response! I’ll definitely look into other alternatives besides the spray bottle I didn’t realize it could be harmful! My roommates cat was 2 years old. I’ve been playing with her for an hour- hour and a half before bedtime every night around the same time. I was planning on giving it until Monday to see if she settles in and am crossing my fingers that she does.

 

[Neko-chan's mama]

At 10months kitty is in that annoying teenage phase. Unfortunately an hour of p play once a day might not be enough. When Neko-chan was that age, she needed 4 45 minutes play sessions a day or she would get destructive. They didn't need to be evenly spaced out though. I'd do one first thing in the morning, feed her then do another an hour later before heading for work. Then we'd have another session when I got home. She'd eat and rest a bit, sometimes play with her solo toys, then before bed we'd play for as much as an hour. She's almost 2 now and we can get by with one morning play and two evening. Worn out adolescent cats are much more pleasant to live with.

 

[JC fka JClark]

This is normal. Basically before you go to bed you want to tire out the cat with some serious play time and then feed it. One of our cats would go batsh!t at night and talk talk talk in the bedroom but not the rest of the house. We've been able to get him to sleep about 7 hrs before he wakes me to let me know it's breakfast time (5am-6am). He's so funny. If I feed him between 9 pm - 11pm he always wants breakfast between 5-6. Daylight savings time temporarily screws him up but I swear he can read a clock. He's a smart little #$!@

 

[Juniper_Junebug]

I just adopted a kitten in October and she's my first. She's 8 to 10 months now, and she's crazy. So I sympathize. I would go with your gut on this one after giving it the weekend. You are young and this cat will be with you for a long time. And there's nothing wrong with either choice.

I waited to adopt a pet until I owned my own place, knew I would be here for the long haul, and had plenty of extra space for her. I can't imagine if I had had a cat when I was young. I would have missed so many opportunities to travel, live in new cities/ abroad, and just knowing I had the freedom to pick and go any time. But that's just me, not you.

I mostly do not let my kitty in my bedroom because sleep is very important to me. Could you give your kitty the run of the living room while you sleep? I'd be happy to recommend toys that (at least in my view) are safe to let hey play with alone. I tested a lot of toys, to be honest, and did find a few that my kitty will play with at night while I'm sleeping. Another poster on here compared trying to exhaust a kitten to trying to drain the ocean with a bucket, and that feels right to me. No matter how much I play with her, she reactivates just before midnight, when I need to get to sleep.

For working, persistence and consistency could solve at least some of the issue. I let my kitty on my desk (open plan, so the only way to prevent it would be to lock her in the second bedroom all day). But from the beginning, I used my arms to mark off the keyboard and sang, No Kitties on the Keyboard any time she got close. I was actually a little amazed that she eventually got the hint and I only have to remind her now on rare occasions (though she still likes to Zoom bomb me).

 

[ameliashuman]

First off you know yourself best and if this is not the right time then it is okay to admit it is not the right time for cat. It's okay.

But if it is the right time for you two here are tips that helped us. My husband and I decided to adopt a kitten at the beginning of our work from home adventure so I've had some experience of the trying to work while also entertaining a high energy kitten at the same time. I set several independent play toys (lots of balls going in circles he could chase) around my desk. This allowed him to play while still being near me. I also set up cat trees around my desk so he could hang with me and be a up in my business but allow me to type. I also set up a bed using part of my desk and the tree which he liked sleeping on and I could let him while still working, desk became a place for calm cuddles and not a place for zoomies. Finally, I decided that some of the interruptions were good for me since we all should be taking breaks it's a cognitive reframe that helped with some of the stress. These solutions weren't always perfect, but they did help some. The trick was to let him be near me, but give him more interesting alternatives other than my keyboard.

I hope the weekend went better for you.

 

[Caspers Human]

Everytime I would pull out my laptop she goes straight for it and starts trying to bite the screen.

This is going to sound weird but try it...

Find an empty pizza box. Clean it up so that it doesn't have any leftovers stuck inside.
Prop the lid up so that it stays open at a 90º angle. Use a pencil or a Popsicle stick and some tape.
Place your pizza box some place near where you work on your computer and just leave it there.

I'll bet you a dollar that your cat will come along and just sit in the box.

When she does, pet her, talk nice to her and, maybe give her a kitty treat.
If you do this consistently, I bet that the pizza box will become her place to come hang out with you while you work.
Hopefully, she will learn that computer time is "chillin' time" when she can just go hang out with her human.

First, cats love boxes. "If I fits, I sits!"
Pizza box. Shoe box. Empty Kleenex box. It doesn't matter.
We can not bring any kind of box into our house that Casper doesn't want to get inside of. Whenever something comes from UPS/FedEx, we have to unpack the box, clean it up and leave it on the living room floor for Casper. After a day or so, we can throw it into the recycling bin but not until Casper has had his turn with it.

Second, cats like to hang out with their humans.
Whatever you do, your cat wants to do, too. They just like to sit and "supervise" what you're doing.
Putting a box in a place near where you are working is like an invitation for a cat to come hang out and chill.

Third, is leading by example. Cats learn by imitating each other.
There aren't any other cats but she does have you. Some people say that cats think of their humans as just another big, silly-looking cat that doesn't have fur. Basically, your cat probably thinks of you as the leader.

Generally, you shouldn't have to "discipline" a cat if you act like the leader.
You set the rules and expect that they be followed. Make offerings to your cat and praise her when she does what you like.

That's the whole idea behind the pizza box. You are being the leader and setting the "house rules."
You offer her something she likes. (A pizza box.)
You make a special place, just for her to hang out with you.
Give her lots of pets and praises when she does what you want.
From there, on, just act like this is what is supposed to happen. You don't need to say it, explicitly, and you don't need to try to make her do it. Just act like this is the way things are and have always been.
If your cat sees you as a friend and a leader, she will just start following your cues.

If you are consistent with your behavior, are quick to praise and slow to punish, and keep at it for a while, your cat will follow your lead.

It might take some time but keep at it.

I have little doubt that this will work if you try.

 

[Maggiez]

I can totally relate. My husband and I adopted a pair of kittens 3 months ago. Now they're 9 months old. They are our first cats and we have learned how time-consuming to take care of kittens.

Since you just adopted her, I think she's still getting used to the new environment and establishing her new routine. My little girl Pen Pen is a very extrovert and confident cat. I thought she got comfortable since day one, but looking back, she has spent a lot of time to adjust. Because she's new, she might be doing things because she's nervous. And she probably want to spend more time to bond with you.

I think one play-time is definitely not enough. I feel like they need to be engaged, which can include many things like hanging out with you and watch what you do.

From my short experience, cats love their owners and everything they use/touch. I allow my cats jump on all furnitures so they can be close to me. They love to watch me washing dishes, play with the vegetables when I cook, and I slow down and let them sniff all the new things (as long as they're safe) they're interested in.
I noticed that they usually get bored if I sit in front of my computer all day. I think that might be your case, that she didn't get enough stimulations besides play-time. Since she's new, she probably hasn't spent enough time to get comfortable with everything in your room. So she has very limited things that she's comfortable to play with. (E.g. my boy Loki finally "discovered" the bathroom after 2 months, and now the tub is his favorite place to hang out and requires me to sit in the tub with him)

Cats love everything you use, and rarely play with the pile of toys laying still.
I highly recommend putting some boxes and papers around. You can even cut some holes on the boxes and flip them upside down, so she can hide in her castle.
I set up some boxes with a huge wad of wrapping paper. And sometimes I throw in some toys. My cats can play pounce in the paper for a long time.
My cats also love bottle caps, small ball of aluminum foil (need to be supervised when play), and my hair band (I put it back to my nightstand everyday, so she can "steal" it and play with it for hours).

For cat toys, besides the fishing rod, I highly recommend the cat dancer and the plastic spirals because they are interactive.
Both of my cats love them. They chase around the spirals for hours per day and that burn off their energy. They also like to play catch.
Amazon.com : Cat Dancer 022CD01-101 Cat Dancer Original Toy : Pet Toys : Pet Supplies
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000CMKHDG/?tag=thecatsite
Maybe buy a slow feeder if you feed her kibbles, so she can play with it when eating.https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0018CG40O/?tag=thecatsite

Definitely buy a tall cat tree. It burns off her energy when she scratch it and jump up and down.
My boy Loki is shy and he loves to sleep on the top spot. It took him months to get comfortable to sleep around us.

Besides a tall scratching post, also get some horizontal scratching posts (box shape etc). Some cats like different directions and they might like to sleep on it.

For sleeping time, try your best to ignore her and do not engage during sleeping hours. If that doesn't help, close the bedroom door.
I let my cats sleep on the bed. When they firstly arrived, they woke me up 6 times the first night. It got better the following week with occasional wake up during the middle of the night but I never engage with them. Now they can sleep through 7 hours and wake us up at 7AM sharp.

All being said, your cat will still consume a lot of your time after everything.
I spend a solid 1.5 hr in the morning to feed, clean and play with them. And they are usually active until noon before taking naps. (I used to play with them all morning for hours, and now they finally calm down a bit and can sit and watch me working)
In the afternoon, I play with them for very short sessions / pet / spend time with them when they wake up between naps.
Evening - I play with them for a short session, but they usually chase each other and play fight for a long time.

I live in a 400-sq apartment and I have 6 stretching posts, a rug they like to scratch and one very tall tree up to the ceiling, and so many boxes around that we barely have space to walk.
So far they've only destroyed (ate) some of my plants, scratched my favorite woven basket, torn apart my sheep skin rug and poked a hundred holes on my cheap leather chair.
Still, my friend (cat owner) said I'm incredibly lucky because both of the cats are well behaved.

My point is, it takes two adults and many hours to entertain them, on top of that they play with each other together. And they still have zoomies like every other day. They are both very vocal and they meows a lot to ask petting / attention / or just sit with them at their favorite spot. And destroyed a few things just because they like the texture. Kittens have that much energy.
After adopted them, I didn't get any work done for a solid two months (I run my own business and luckily the end of year workload wasn't heavy)

We LOVE our cats and it has been the happiest time of the year in 2020 after we adopted them. They brought so much laughter and now we usually have better mood in general.

I think you will need at least 1 month+ to figure out her personality and provide more stimulations. And train her to follow the house rule (Read the book "Think Like a Cat")
And I won't blame you if you eventually decide if the kitten is not a good fit and if it's the best for her to find another home. Can't imagine to do all these if I'm younger and single.

 

[rubysmama]

ajohn707 : How are things going?

 

[ajohn707]

Unfortunately things haven’t smoothed out. I’ve been playing with her 4x a day for minimum 1.5hrs but she’s still incredibly hyper and destructive. I’ve followed some of the advice given but nothing seems to be working. I’ve given it a lot of thought and unfortunately I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not the right home for her. I have a couple friends that said they would be interested in taking her in so I’m going to explore that option and if none of those work out I’m going to bring her back to the shelter which is a no kill shelter thankfully. Thank you all so much for the advice you gave me and for not judging me! I’m definitely going to wait a while before I look into getting another cat and will most likely look at adopting an adult cat whenever I decide to try again.

 

[Whenallhellbreakslose]

Unfortunately things haven’t smoothed out. I’ve been playing with her 4x a day for minimum 1.5hrs but she’s still incredibly hyper and destructive. I’ve followed some of the advice given but nothing seems to be working. I’ve given it a lot of thought and unfortunately I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not the right home for her. I have a couple friends that said they would be interested in taking her in so I’m going to explore that option and if none of those work out I’m going to bring her back to the shelter which is a no kill shelter thankfully. Thank you all so much for the advice you gave me and for not judging me! I’m definitely going to wait a while before I look into getting another cat and will most likely look at adopting an adult cat whenever I decide to try again.

Well, you gave it your best shot. This was not the cat for you, and the timing may have been wrong to begin with. I am sure the No Kill shelter will understand.

When the time is right to get another cat --be very honest about what you are looking for. Tell them you don't want a cat that is too high energy. Perhaps, next time you can adopt a older cat. These cats are often overlooked, and really need a chance of being adopted out. Well, I wish you all the best. Don't be hard on yourself, you did what you could. It just wasn't working out. This kitty will now be able to find a home that is a much better fit for her. That is a win-win.

 

[ladytimedramon]

Before I adopted (early covid), I made my list of what my lifestyle was and how a cat would fit into it, and what kind of cat. This was my first cat experience. My parents were completely anti-cat growing up and I had never been around one beyond feeding my sister's when she went out of time (it hid the entire time). I teach elementary school full time and I knew a high energy cat would be a distraction while I was trying to teach online.

When I went to adopt Delilah, I was very candid about what my lifestyle and needs were to the shelter. I had seen some cats online at their shelter and listed their names. The shelter was very upfront about the cats and my needs and abilities. One of the cats needed too much medical attention. Another needed to be around other cats. Another was very high energy. She introduced me to their greeter cat, and their office cat, which met the profile but I didn't connect. I met a couple more cats. One of them had potential, but I wasn't convinced. We went to another room. Most of the cats in there were huge. There was one small gray and white tabby huddled in a corner of a shelf. She looked at me, walked past the bully cats swiping at her, climbed onto my shoulder, then began making biscuits and purring. And that was it. She is now Her Royal Highness Princess Delilah, slayer of string beans. Delilah is happy either napping in her cat tree or on my bed while I'm working or in a zoom meeting. Then cuddles and chasing springs.

If you do want to try a cat in the future, think about your lifestyle and needs. Then discuss it with the shelter. They'll hopefully steer you to the right cats.

 

[rubysmama]

I’ve given it a lot of thought and unfortunately I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not the right home for her. I have a couple friends that said they would be interested in taking her in so I’m going to explore that option and if none of those work out I’m going to bring her back to the shelter which is a no kill shelter thankfully.

Just one thing I want to mention, if you signed an adoption agreement, do check the terms to ensure there's not a cause that states something like, if you are no longer able to care for the cat, you must return it to the shelter. Just want to be sure you won't be breaking shelter adoption terms if you were to give her to a friend.

I am sorry it doesn't seem as though it's going to work out with you and your kitty. Hopefully sometime in the future you'll have another chance to be a cat parent.

 

[Mr. Meow]

We'll always be here for you, no matter what. Kittens are definitely a handful. As I type this, I'm pretty sure my newest kitten just stepped in poop and is now running around my room. I should preface this by saying he has permanent brain damage and I have years and years of experience with special needs cats, so I knew everything I was getting myself into.
I always like to tell people this when choosing whether to adopt a kitten or an adult cat. If you want a pet that you already know it's personality, get an adult cat. If you want an adorable face that is the destructive spawn of a hurricane and an earthquake, get a kitten.
While I joke, sometimes it can feel that way. Example, yes, there are poop prints on the floor of my room and he apparently tackled his dry food bowl into the heat/ac register in the floor.
Dealing with things like this, trying to sleep while a kitten attacks your beard, the howling because you're not paying attention...it takes time. It takes having your life in a strong routine. Right now, focus on you, your studies, your emotional and physical health. If you need your kitty fix, visit a shelter or see if there's a cat cafe nearby. Those cats would love to have your attention. When the time is right, you'll know it.