Feeling Guilt And Emotion I Never Felt Before

[Cobysmom1005]

Hi, I had let let my 17 Year old kitty Coby go 2 weeks ago. I am just racked with guilt, emotion, and so many what ifs.

He had kidney disease and ibd. He was diagnosed at the end of July. The Thursday before that Friday October 19th, I could see he wasn't doing well. I noticed he wouldnt lift his head and just layed there on the rug in the bedroom. He wouldn't look at me when I called him. I also noticed he peed on his bed which he never did. I was going to take him to the ER vet but i had hopes he'd come around as he did before. But he didn't. I took him to his regular vet on Friday and we had his bloodwork done and it was all over the place. His creatine skyrocketed and his bun was high. The vet said i should put him to sleep and i agreed.

Now I am beating myself up so badly. I feel like a monster because I let him die there on the cold vet table. I held him and told him i loved him before she gave him the shot. I should of taken him home and spent one last night with him and had the at home vet come to the house. I feel like a monster. I didn't get to spend time with him at all because i had to be at work Friday. I didn't think they were gonna tell me to put him down right then and there but I just thought of how bad he looked and thats why I agreed with the vet. I keep being told I did the right thing but I also wonder if he could of been stabilized if I would of taken him the the ER vet.

I just feel like I let him down. He was my soul cat. Now he is gone and it is unbearable. Here is a pic of him in better days:

 

[les26]

I am so so sorry that you had to go through this, you were in a tough spot and did what you thought was best for him at the time. If he was suffering, one more day might have been too much for him to bear, suppose you would have taken him home with intentions of keeping him one more day and God forbid came home to see that he had passed, that would have been worse. It is NEVER easy to have to hold them in their final minutes, I too was deeply affected after Simon was put down even though the vet assured us it was time, I don't think there EVER is a good time to have to do that, and the doubt and guilt and what if's are all part of the process that we must go through when we do lose them but it is normal and is just the grief and stress talking, you loved him all those years and he you, he knows that you did it to help him, cats are so smart they know we are just trying to help them and you did, you put him out of his suffering and he is fine now, it is you who is hurting and that is normal, but will fade with time and patience and understanding and love, but it can take up to 1.5 years before it totally leaves you alone, you will have good days and bad days, your mood can change within hours and that is normal, whatever you feel is okay, anger, sadness, anxiety, happiness, just let it out, it is all part of the grieving process and with time you will slowly feel better and hopefully give another kitty a loving home and a wonderful life.

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you.....

 

[Cobysmom1005]

I am so so sorry that you had to go through this, you were in a tough spot and did what you thought was best for him at the time. If he was suffering, one more day might have been too much for him to bear, suppose you would have taken him home with intentions of keeping him one more day and God forbid came home to see that he had passed, that would have been worse. It is NEVER easy to have to hold them in their final minutes, I too was deeply affected after Simon was put down even though the vet assured us it was time, I don't think there EVER is a good time to have to do that, and the doubt and guilt and what if's are all part of the process that we must go through when we do lose them but it is normal and is just the grief and stress talking, you loved him all those years and he you, he knows that you did it to help him, cats are so smart they know we are just trying to help them and you did, you put him out of his suffering and he is fine now, it is you who is hurting and that is normal, but will fade with time and patience and understanding and love, but it can take up to 1.5 years before it totally leaves you alone, you will have good days and bad days, your mood can change within hours and that is normal, whatever you feel is okay, anger, sadness, anxiety, happiness, just let it out, it is all part of the grieving process and with time you will slowly feel better and hopefully give another kitty a loving home and a wonderful life.

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you.....

Les 26,

Thank you for replying to me, I just feel so alone and I feel like I let my buddy down. I know I did the right thing but it hurts me to the core. I dont think ill ever feel better. If i do it will take a very long time. Im feeling every kinda mood in the world but mostly guilt and sorrow at the moment. I know he was ill but i just feel like who am I to say yes to ending a life. I feel awful.

 

[les26]

Les 26,

Thank you for replying to me, I just feel so alone and I feel like I let my buddy down. I know I did the right thing but it hurts me to the core. I dont think ill ever feel better. If i do it will take a very long time. Im feeling every kinda mood in the world but mostly guilt and sorrow at the moment. I know he was ill but i just feel like who am I to say yes to ending a life. I feel awful.

We all here understand, it is so very hard to have to "play God" and make that decision, but to have let him suffer and get worse would have been an injustice to the little guy and that would have destroyed you even more. I know how you feel, when Simon had stomach cancer and it was time to put him down I kept asking the vet "are you SURE it is time, he looks so good yet?" and he said "he does look good, but he is very sick inside", and I knew this was correct because a few days earlier he vomited green liquid all over the kitchen floor, I am so glad that Deb was not home to see that but that told me and the x rays that he had cancer, and when I held him and felt his little tuxedo body go limp I thought I would die with him and didn't half care if I did, like you, I knew that we were doing the right thing by ending his suffering, but it haunted me, that night in the middle of the night I woke up in a panic and couldn't breathe, I felt like I was suffocating...I also couldn't stand being alone in the dark, or enclosed in the shower, I felt like I was was suffocating, but that was the grief and stress and whatnot, and with time I felt better. Then 1.5 years later Sebastian died in my arms when I came home one night, he had been sick and waited for me to get home to hold him and he passed 15 seconds later, and that played mental and physical games with me for quite awhile, really scrambled my eggs as I was so attached to these little guys, they had wonderful personalities and to lose them, well, it was like a family member, a close friend dying. The little guy you see in the left corner, my Sylvester, looks exactly like if you took those two boys and made one cat that looked like them both, he is that so perfectly, he is my joy, he makes me smile everyday because he reminds me of them but is a hoot himself, I am so so very close to him because I got him 3 months after Sebastian died in my arms, he was thin and flea bitten and mostly living in a bathroom because another cat hated him and wanted to fight him all the time, but we found each other, in the darkness, we helped and healed each other, and I have a feeling once you grieve for your sweet boy you too will find another, perhaps one who needs help from a bad situation like Sylvester did, and you will help and heal each other too.

We understand, there will be many on here soon giving you comfort, we know the feeling, you too feel like you will die and don't care if you do, but you WILL get better, you WILL heal and move on and I'm sure one day when the time is right you will take in another one in need, maybe more than one, but take the time to grieve and feel sad, you must do that, and your heart will tell you when and if you want to get another one, not a replacement, but another one who needs your love and care like he did.

 

[rubysmama]

Condolences on the loss of your sweet kitty. He was a very handsome boy, and was lucky to have a "mom" that loved him for 17 years. RIP dear Coby.

 

[Shane Kent]

Sorry for the loss of your beloved boy Coby. You shouldn't feel guilty as you did not let him go, he was taken from you. You are in no way a monster as you obviously love your boy very much. I am sure that Coby would not want you to harbor feelings of guilt and would sooner you think of the good times you two had together. A cat that lives to 17 years old is a cat that was very well cared for, you are obviously a beautiful, caring cat mom.

 

[Cobysmom1005]

Condolences on the loss of your sweet kitty. He was a very handsome boy, and was lucky to have a "mom" that loved him for 17 years. RIP dear Coby.

Thank you

 

[Cobysmom1005]

Sorry for the loss of your beloved boy Coby. You shouldn't feel guilty as you did not let him go, he was taken from you. You are in no way a monster as you obviously love your boy very much. I am sure that Coby would not want you to harbor feelings of guilt and would sooner you think of the good times you two had together. A cat that lives to 17 years old is a cat that was very well cared for, you are obviously a beautiful, caring cat mom.

Thank you. Its just hard to not feel guilty about more that I could have done.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Coby, dream you deep. You live in someone's heart forever.

Darlin, I know how you wished that you could have taken him home for just one more night, but...that really was for you. When we lose someone we love, we all long for "just one more night" with them. But Coby was in pain, and I am sure to the depths of my being that he now blesses you for taking that pain away. Love does not die, not ever, it changes form and continues on. Coby will be with you always.

 

[Shane Kent]

Thank you. Its just hard to not feel guilty about more that I could have done.

17 years old, I don't imagine you could have done more, that is an old age for a cat. You should be proud you were mommy to a cat that had a full life. My two that passed were approximately 16 years old, my vet told me that they had a good full life.

 

[Cobysmom1005]

We all here understand, it is so very hard to have to "play God" and make that decision, but to have let him suffer and get worse would have been an injustice to the little guy and that would have destroyed you even more. I know how you feel, when Simon had stomach cancer and it was time to put him down I kept asking the vet "are you SURE it is time, he looks so good yet?" and he said "he does look good, but he is very sick inside", and I knew this was correct because a few days earlier he vomited green liquid all over the kitchen floor, I am so glad that Deb was not home to see that but that told me and the x rays that he had cancer, and when I held him and felt his little tuxedo body go limp I thought I would die with him and didn't half care if I did, like you, I knew that we were doing the right thing by ending his suffering, but it haunted me, that night in the middle of the night I woke up in a panic and couldn't breathe, I felt like I was suffocating...I also couldn't stand being alone in the dark, or enclosed in the shower, I felt like I was was suffocating, but that was the grief and stress and whatnot, and with time I felt better. Then 1.5 years later Sebastian died in my arms when I came home one night, he had been sick and waited for me to get home to hold him and he passed 15 seconds later, and that played mental and physical games with me for quite awhile, really scrambled my eggs as I was so attached to these little guys, they had wonderful personalities and to lose them, well, it was like a family member, a close friend dying. The little guy you see in the left corner, my Sylvester, looks exactly like if you took those two boys and made one cat that looked like them both, he is that so perfectly, he is my joy, he makes me smile everyday because he reminds me of them but is a hoot himself, I am so so very close to him because I got him 3 months after Sebastian died in my arms, he was thin and flea bitten and mostly living in a bathroom because another cat hated him and wanted to fight him all the time, but we found each other, in the darkness, we helped and healed each other, and I have a feeling once you grieve for your sweet boy you too will find another, perhaps one who needs help from a bad situation like Sylvester did, and you will help and heal each other too.

We understand, there will be many on here soon giving you comfort, we know the feeling, you too feel like you will die and don't care if you do, but you WILL get better, you WILL heal and move on and I'm sure one day when the time is right you will take in another one in need, maybe more than one, but take the time to grieve and feel sad, you must do that, and your heart will tell you when and if you want to get another one, not a replacement, but another on

We all here understand, it is so very hard to have to "play God" and make that decision, but to have let him suffer and get worse would have been an injustice to the little guy and that would have destroyed you even more. I know how you feel, when Simon had stomach cancer and it was time to put him down I kept asking the vet "are you SURE it is time, he looks so good yet?" and he said "he does look good, but he is very sick inside", and I knew this was correct because a few days earlier he vomited green liquid all over the kitchen floor, I am so glad that Deb was not home to see that but that told me and the x rays that he had cancer, and when I held him and felt his little tuxedo body go limp I thought I would die with him and didn't half care if I did, like you, I knew that we were doing the right thing by ending his suffering, but it haunted me, that night in the middle of the night I woke up in a panic and couldn't breathe, I felt like I was suffocating...I also couldn't stand being alone in the dark, or enclosed in the shower, I felt like I was was suffocating, but that was the grief and stress and whatnot, and with time I felt better. Then 1.5 years later Sebastian died in my arms when I came home one night, he had been sick and waited for me to get home to hold him and he passed 15 seconds later, and that played mental and physical games with me for quite awhile, really scrambled my eggs as I was so attached to these little guys, they had wonderful personalities and to lose them, well, it was like a family member, a close friend dying. The little guy you see in the left corner, my Sylvester, looks exactly like if you took those two boys and made one cat that looked like them both, he is that so perfectly, he is my joy, he makes me smile everyday because he reminds me of them but is a hoot himself, I am so so very close to him because I got him 3 months after Sebastian died in my arms, he was thin and flea bitten and mostly living in a bathroom because another cat hated him and wanted to fight him all the time, but we found each other, in the darkness, we helped and healed each other, and I have a feeling once you grieve for your sweet boy you too will find another, perhaps one who needs help from a bad situation like Sylvester did, and you will help and heal each other too.

We understand, there will be many on here soon giving you comfort, we know the feeling, you too feel like you will die and don't care if you do, but you WILL get better, you WILL heal and move on and I'm sure one day when the time is right you will take in another one in need, maybe more than one, but take the time to grieve and feel sad, you must do that, and your heart will tell you when and if you want to get another one, not a replacement, but another one who needs your love and care like he did.

Thank you so much les your words have helped me alot. im very sorry about your simon its so hard to lose them. I know ill be grieving for a long time. He was very special to me.

 

[Cobysmom1005]

17 years old, I don't imagine you could have done more, that is an old age for a cat. You should be proud you were mommy to a cat that had a full life. My two that passed were approximately 16 years old, my vet told me that they had a good full life.

Thank you. He was the sweetest boy, always following me around, running to the door after i come home from work. Meowing at me for no reason. I just miss him so much. I know 17 is a good age but what i wouldnt give to see him one more time.

 

[Shane Kent]

So

... but what i wouldnt give to see him one more time.

You are not alone there. I would like to tell you it will go away but it doesn't really ever fully go away. The loss of a loved one is extremely crushing in life. 17 years of a cuddly little kid is not going to be easy to get over but don't blame yourself.

 

[Cobysmom1005]

So


You are not alone there. I would like to tell you it will go away but it doesn't really ever fully go away. The loss of a loved one is extremely crushing in life. 17 years of a cuddly little kid is not going to be easy to get over but don't blame yourself.

Thank you. I cry everyday for him. Even at work i have to go to the bathroom so noone sees me there. Im def. crushed and feel lost. I have panic attacks in the middle of the night because seeing him at the vets laying on the table haunts me so much.

 

[Cobysmom1005]

Rest you gentle, Coby, dream you deep. You live in someone's heart forever.

Darlin, I know how you wished that you could have taken him home for just one more night, but...that really was for you. When we lose someone we love, we all long for "just one more night" with them. But Coby was in pain, and I am sure to the depths of my being that he now blesses you for taking that pain away. Love does not die, not ever, it changes form and continues on. Coby will be with you always.

Thank you that was very sweet. i hope he knows that i was trying to help him.

 

[Cobysmom1005]

We all here understand, it is so very hard to have to "play God" and make that decision, but to have let him suffer and get worse would have been an injustice to the little guy and that would have destroyed you even more. I know how you feel, when Simon had stomach cancer and it was time to put him down I kept asking the vet "are you SURE it is time, he looks so good yet?" and he said "he does look good, but he is very sick inside", and I knew this was correct because a few days earlier he vomited green liquid all over the kitchen floor, I am so glad that Deb was not home to see that but that told me and the x rays that he had cancer, and when I held him and felt his little tuxedo body go limp I thought I would die with him and didn't half care if I did, like you, I knew that we were doing the right thing by ending his suffering, but it haunted me, that night in the middle of the night I woke up in a panic and couldn't breathe, I felt like I was suffocating...I also couldn't stand being alone in the dark, or enclosed in the shower, I felt like I was was suffocating, but that was the grief and stress and whatnot, and with time I felt better. Then 1.5 years later Sebastian died in my arms when I came home one night, he had been sick and waited for me to get home to hold him and he passed 15 seconds later, and that played mental and physical games with me for quite awhile, really scrambled my eggs as I was so attached to these little guys, they had wonderful personalities and to lose them, well, it was like a family member, a close friend dying. The little guy you see in the left corner, my Sylvester, looks exactly like if you took those two boys and made one cat that looked like them both, he is that so perfectly, he is my joy, he makes me smile everyday because he reminds me of them but is a hoot himself, I am so so very close to him because I got him 3 months after Sebastian died in my arms, he was thin and flea bitten and mostly living in a bathroom because another cat hated him and wanted to fight him all the time, but we found each other, in the darkness, we helped and healed each other, and I have a feeling once you grieve for your sweet boy you too will find another, perhaps one who needs help from a bad situation like Sylvester did, and you will help and heal each other too.

We understand, there will be many on here soon giving you comfort, we know the feeling, you too feel like you will die and don't care if you do, but you WILL get better, you WILL heal and move on and I'm sure one day when the time is right you will take in another one in need, maybe more than one, but take the time to grieve and feel sad, you must do that, and your heart will tell you when and if you want to get another one, not a replacement, but another one who needs your love and care like he did.

I'm very sorry about Sebastian as well. I still am having bouts of guilt. It hits me like a train as soon as I wake up every morning. It is the worst feeling. I feel as if I'm suffocating. I have a anxiety attack. I don't even want to face the day. All I do is think about his face. I've had a lot of bad experiences in life but this by far is one of the worst. I don't have a lot of family so he helped me fill that void. I haven't gotten any signs from him that he's ok either. I had a ladybug in my house a few days after he passed but idk if it means anything. Everyday is a struggle without him here.

 

[Antonio65]

C Cobysmom1005 ,
It's so sad that you had to take such a horrible decision right there and then at the vet's.
You ask yourself if it was the right time, if one more night with your Coby would have been fine and then call the vet over the next day. But even in that case you would have asked yourself if you did the right thing at the right time.
There is never an answer to this question, but you know that you did what you did because you loved him and you couldn't bear to see him in a painful condition.
Though it sounds weird, this was an act of love, the last you could do to him.
I've been through it too many times and I will probably have to take this decision again in the future. Everytime it's like it was the first time, you never get used to it.
The sense of guilt seems to be crushing you in the first days or weeks, but then, as time goes by, you feel that you couldn't have done any different, any better.
And maybe, when you realize this, you will feel that you did the right thing at the right time.
RIP Coby, watch over your human like she watched over you.

 

[di and bob]

Losing my own seventeen year old boy a month ago, I know the feelings you are going through. But you know what? No matter which scenario took place, you would still be having these same feelings, it is called grief. If you would have taken him home, you would still feel guilty for prolonging his pain.
We had promised our boy he would die at home, no vet visit. But naturally he died on a Sunday, the vet was not available and watching him fight against the inevitable was excruciating. He had such a strong will to live, it was a slow process. If I ever go through this again, I will have a pain injection ready to ease the discomfort.
As for your anxiety attacks, I had them regularly for a long time when my Chrissy died five years ago. Burt's death was a little easier on the soul because he was 17 and was suffering from a stomach tumor. At the very end, he was suffering and the pain needed to end. With Chrissy however, it was from my own stupidity, and she followed me onto the street, what I witnessed will haunt me forever. I thought of those last moments constantly, I bargained with God, I cried almost constantly. I,too, had to lock myself away at work and cry. I sought the solace of pouring out my grief and my soul to others who were going through what I was. You know what I found out? I was not alone, there are literally legions going through the same thing you and I did, and it DOES help to pour out your pain and share it.
I also believe that our little ones would NEVER want us to go through this pain because of them. They love us too much. You would never want Coby to go through what you are going through if you were the first to go. Coby feels the same, that is what love is, unselfish, only wanting happiness for the one they hold so dear. Don't dwell on the end, I know that is almost impossible right now, but you consciously have to distract your mind from going there. It brings nothing but heartache and tears, you can never change the past. Focusing on the present right now helps, and you must try to make yourself feel better. Do good in that sweet boy's name, donate food and litter to your local shelter, I pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest several times a year, and they put a little sign on the door saying Chrissy paid for their adoption. Do it all in your precious Coby's name.
Time is the only thing that helps, you learn to live with the pain, you forge a new life's order for yourself. Coby's new path will forever parallel yours, he is a beautiful part of your past, he was in your life and shared it for 17 years, he was in your life for a reason. He left you a legacy of love, don't be afraid to pass it on. The distraction a new little love can bring is welcome, and believe it or not, you can learn to love again. Like a mother with several children, each one precious and unique. It would bring honor to his name, his job on this earth complete.
The bond you have with him can never be taken from you. Love is spiritual, it will not fail you like the physical body. Us it to bring you comfort, not pain, along with your precious memories of happier times that can never be erased. He will send you a sign. Open your heart to find it, it may have very well been that ladybug, if they meant something to him or you. It can be very subtle. My Chrissy left me a single ringed hair every day for a week on my vanity. When I cried to the skies asking if she was all right, she sent me a sideways shooting star, a diva to the end! Let the happier memories take over the sad. Live for what Coby would want for you, not in sadness.
My heart goes out to you, I've been there and it has been a long journey. But with those who understand there to help along the way, you will make it. And perhaps someday you'll comfort someone else who is going through what you are right now. Doing this in Coby's name and filling a little of that emptiness that is in your soul. Please take care of yourself, loneliness is a powerful influence and needs to be banished. I'll pray for you both.......RIP precious Coby. Please send what comfort you can to a heart that so desperately misses you, let your pure light fill the heart of the one who loves you so much. Let them know you will always be near, a soulmate is just that, a permanent part of your soul. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Antonio65]

I haven't gotten any signs from him that he's ok either. I had a ladybug in my house a few days after he passed but idk if it means anything. Everyday is a struggle without him here.

You will have a sign, it'll arrive when Coby feels you're ready to get the message.
It took me nearly three months before I had a sign from my sweet Lola, pictured left. She came into my dreams three times in a few days. Not always nice dreams, but I saw her.
Be patient.

 

[les26]

I'm very sorry about Sebastian as well. I still am having bouts of guilt. It hits me like a train as soon as I wake up every morning. It is the worst feeling. I feel as if I'm suffocating. I have a anxiety attack. I don't even want to face the day. All I do is think about his face. I've had a lot of bad experiences in life but this by far is one of the worst. I don't have a lot of family so he helped me fill that void. I haven't gotten any signs from him that he's ok either. I had a ladybug in my house a few days after he passed but idk if it means anything. Everyday is a struggle without him here.

Thank you for the kind words about Simon and Sebastian, they were great boys and it hurt me tremendously to lose them, but their time on this Earth was up, but they live in our hearts and minds forever, they are never really gone, their spirit is with us everyday, we notice it in the most subtle ways, but also when I see Sylvester who is both of them combined!

Things that helped me through the grief and anxiety were talking to people who understood, pastors and a psychologist, also breathing exercises, inhale through the nose but not in the lungs, let your belly fill up with air first, breath in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through the mouth with a "whoosh" sound for 5 seconds, wait about 10 seconds and repeat, do this about 8 times a day or more. It not only helps with the anxiety but also helps clear your lungs of the junk we inhale each day, I still do this daily. Also an herb called Holy Basil, it helps your body adapt to the stress, you still know it is going on but it helps you handle it much better and calmer, has no real side effects unless you itch from it you might be allergic but I am very sensitive to things and I don't itch, I also open the capsule and take a small amount if I feel I don't need the whole capsule, it helped me with the anxiety and stress and I take it here and there still as needed. But the things that helped me the most were of course time, which heals and lets you think about it in a different way, but also getting more cats!!! 3 months after Simon passed Stanley showed up at work, a little tiger and I took him in and that helped, and sure enough 3 months after Sebastian died I got Sylvester, and he has helped me in so many ways to get over them both, I can't describe how much he helped and still helps me, and I him.

And I think the ladybug WAS a subtle sign, they are supposed to be good luck insects, I'm sure it was his way of getting your attention and saying "I'm fine now...." and if you sit quietly at night and calm your mind, just let the thoughts come into your head, try to channel his spirit very calmly and quietly, and you may be surprised at what you "sense", his spirit is still with you and always will be....

God Bless...