Feeling destroyed after saying goodbye to our precious companion

av23

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Hi to all TCS community members. I found this website when my cat got ill last April and it was a real treasure of information and support as we battled his illness. I am writing this post because this on Thursday we put our beloved cat to sleep, and I haven't been able to stop crying. I feel numb, broken and - like I made the biggest mistake of my life, which is now unfixable. I know many of you here have unfortunately been in these situations and through these emotions all too many times, so I thought maybe if I reach out to you, someone will be able to give me some perspective on the situation. How did you guys get through the heartache after your babies crossed the bridge? At this moment I dont even think it is possible. I feel like this will haunt me for the rest of my life.

End of April our cat stopped eating, and mid-May he was diagnosed with renal sarcoma, with multiple small tumours on both of his kidneys. A vet oncologist we saw said there was nothing they could do for us anymore since the tumours were present in both of the kidneys. So we put him on Pred, Cerenia and we syringe fed him for the next month. Everything was going well, more or less. I cannot say that he enjoyed syringe feeding, but he got used to it and until mid-June he was still enjoying most of his daily activities, was relatively active and still using the litter box. I knew he was sick, but I was hoping that maybe he would hold out as long as possible, after all, many people with stage 4 cancer sometimes live longish, pain free lives.

Then suddenly, 1.5 week ago I noticed that he didn't come down from the 2nd floor anymore and stayed upstairs for most of the day. He became more and more reclusive and restless, frequently moving to and from the different beds he had. When we would wake up in the morning, we would just find him laying in his bed, barely moving. I also found a hard bump, clearly palpable on his side, which we know now was an enlarged kidney/s.

At that point Thursday June 23 I called the vet to ask for some pain meds and I think this is where I made the first mistake. The vet suggested Tramadol or Gabapentine. We began with 10 mg Tramadol, and he had the most awful reaction. The vet said it might make him sleepy, but instead he just laid there, immobile with hugely dilated pupils, like he was completely stoned. He also began having trouble walking, wobbling, stumbling or collapsing on the floor. Friday we kept him med free and Saturday afternoon, we tried Gabapentine, around 45 mg, and the reaction was even worse. I would say he became almost paralyzed, his limbs were completely limp, he could barely get up, didn't sleep at all during the day and just looked very poorly. It was on the weekend that I began helping him go to the litter box, holding him up so he could pee and poop, if needed. It also became essentially impossible to feed him. He would hardly swallow any of his food anymore, and became excessively thirsty. He was never a big drinker, but now he would drink from his bowl every few hours or so if I held him up to it. Monday afternoon we went back on Tramadol, but now I decided to reduce the dose to 1/8 of a tablet, 2.5 g / twice a day, I figured his kidneys might not be able to metabolize the drug so well anymore, so I wanted to avoid giving him high doses. Unfortunately, his reaction didnt change: dilated pupils, staring at one spot on the wall, immobile, and breathing a little heavy. I also realized he was constipated, possibly from Tramadol, so the vet prescribed him some Lactulose, which I gave him Tuesday afternoon. During the night he moved one smallish hard piece of poop, but that was it. On Wednesday afternoon he started letting out these sad meows, which I immediately registered as a sign of pain, although now I am really doubting myself thinking it may have been the Lactulose causing him intense tummy cramps or something. But on Wednesday night, around 3 am he started meowing more and more, and at this point, I took him from the little cave we built for him, put him on the mattress that I had been sleeping on next to him the past week and tried to soothe him. I dont know what happened in my brain but when I heard those sad meows, I just knew that we cant go on any longer, and I promised him that in the morning there will be no pain.

Thursday morning I asked my husband to call the vet, thinking we could take him in for a check up, all the while knowing inside this is probably it. As we got ready for the vet, one last time I tried to feed him, but it was exceedingly difficult. At one point he tried to move away from me, walked a bit, collapsed and let our a huge yowl, which I think i will remember for the rest of my life.

So at noon, we found a carton box, that big enough for him to stretch out in, because he wouldnt lay in any other position. Before we went I asked my husband to make his paw print, because I just felt these are probably the last hours of his life..and I cut out a patch of his fur. We put his mat in the box, along with a sweater I used for covering him at night, and we drove him the clinic.

Unfortunately we were seen by a different vet than the one who was treating him previously. He said he spoke to our vet and they both advised euthanasia, since he was suffering.I dont know what happened at that moment, I just stood there bawling my eyes out and as much as I didnt want this with all of my body and mind, I just heard myself say ok. I dont even remember saying it I just heard myself saying it. So the vet took him away to put in the catheter, and brought him back already slightly sedated. Then he asked if he could administer the overdose and again, I just heard myself saying ok. Now that I replay it in my mind, I think I was in some kind of shock, it was as if I wasnt conscious anymore, like I was having an out of body experience. The vet administered the drugs and our precious friend was gone in 15 seconds, we didnt even have time to process in our brain everything that was happening. I expected that there will be at least a few minutes where we will be able to hug him, but he was just gone. I was literally in shock, I felt like I myself was now paralyzed. I stroked his lifeless body, looking into his eyes, and he was just gone, and I didnt even get a chance to kiss him while he was still alive. We took his body away to a crematorium, where they were very sweet, and as we filled out the paperwork, they put his body in a nice basket, next to some candles. He looked so peaceful. I remember just looking at him, and almost smiling, my heart was no longer aching because he wasnt in pain anymore.

For the rest of the day I was in complete shock. I was just staring at one spot on the wall, and didnt even cry. My husband was crying the whole day, but me, I just felt like a zombie. I slept a little during the night but by the morning, I feel like I woke up from some kind of trance, and went completely hysterical, thinking I made a mistake putting him to sleep. Maybe he wasnt able to walk because of the meds, not because of the cancer? Can a cancer really cause such a rapid deterioration in a cat? Maybe his meows werent from cancer pain, but form lactulose giving him a tummy ache? Maybe if we just tried another pain med, he would been fine..even if just for a few days. Why oh why didnt I hold him in my arms during the car ride. I try to tell myself it was because I was afraid it would hurt him, but nothing I say to myself works. Why didnt I hold him in my arms during his last breath? Did I make the right decision?...
... just a million questions and regrets circling my mind every second.

I couldnt sleep last night. In the morning I frantically ran down to the kitchen to check his meds, and started to calculate if we didnt overdose him on Tramadol or something. I am Googling all possible side effects and at this point I feel like I am going crazy. All in all, I am just a complete wreck..I tried, I really tried to help him, I almost didn't leave his side this past month, but I feel like I failed him in the end. Like the decision to put him to sleep was almost mindless or something. I am sure there was still something we could have done to save our precious baby. Maybe another med, another vet..something. I am so torn, and destroyed with guilt and heartache. I am also newly pregnant, and I know I shouldnt stress so much, but I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I just sit and cry, holding his photo.

I wish I could be able to to celebrate his life, remember the beautiful 12 years we spend together, but my heart is just bleeding and I am being ripped to pieces by regret.

p.s. sorry for the long post, I know not many people will read it, but it was also somewhat therapeutic writing it..
 

rockitorknockit

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When we adopt a kitty into our family and lives, we sign a contract. It's a love contract. We promise to take care of them and love them from start to finish, buy the things, do the things, make the hard choices for them. Grief is the price of that love contract. It was always going to end this way - with you saying goodbye one day. And you knew that day was the day. You even prepared for it before going to the vet. That's because he told you, and you listened - it is time. The suffering is too great and needless, it's time. Now, in the aftermath, in your grief, you desperately second-guess and question and wonder and torture yourself with those thoughts, but you knew. What did I do wrong? Was it just this or that? It doesn't matter now. He was sick, he was only going to get sicker. He was only going to be in more pain and misery. Only you could give him the blessing of release, and you did it before it was all worse. You knew you needed to, you had to. You did it. The moment would never be perfect or right, you would wish it was different or longer no matter how it happened. It had to happen and be done so he could be free.

What you did was amazing. You held up your end of the bargain. You loved him from start to finish. The love contract doesn't end there - you still love him. Now is just the time you have to pay up. Terrible indescribable insurmountable grief. Overwhelming, entirely encompassing, washes over you and drowns you because it is all there is grief.

But it's not. He's somewhere at a distance. Whether you believe in an afterlife or not, he's there. In your heart, in your mind, maybe elsewhere too, still impacting you, still changing you, still teaching you something. Only now he's not in pain anymore. He can walk and he can eat - in your memories, maybe in a heaven or something like it.

I've lost several cats in my life. The last cat I had to euthanize was a few years ago. It was similar - I went to that last vet visit knowing he wouldn't be going home... I just knew it. We decided it with the vet, and we did it. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. It felt so fast. It was so incredibly fast, and then I was in the car without him. I was tortured by the decision for a long time. Only time and distance from it has made me realize I had no other choice but the one I made. I have another cat now, my Oscar, who is sick, and eventually this will come again. This one is different... he is my soul kitty, my Oscar. It's just... different. I cannot imagine life without him. But I cannot imagine him suffering at all, either. I'm tearful at the thought that you're experiencing now what I have had to before and will have to again. I am just free flowing some words here that I try to tell myself when I think about what may be to come for my Oscar. I cannot bear the thought of being without him, but an even worse thing to bear would be knowing he is suffering for even one moment longer than he has to.

I am not sure what a comfort it will be to you to hear now... I would encourage you to try your best to turn away from researching and investigating the "what ifs" that cannot change anything now... But I will say this - my Oscar has been on both of the pain meds you gave your kitty, and he had the same reactions. They were horrible drugs for him. It was unbelievably distressing for me to see him go through them. I hope I never have to give them again, and now I know that if we are at the point of debating it, it might be time to consider the harder decision.

I think you did the right thing. I would have made the same impossible choice.

Can you tell us more about him? Share a picture? Did he have a favorite toy or food? I'd love to get to know him better. I'm devastated for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. You're not alone.
 

di and bob

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If you would read your own post, I think you would see more clearly that he WAS suffering, there was nothing more to be done than to end his pain. I am an RN and yes, they can decline rapidly towards the end, and cats are so good at hiding any pain or difficulties. You have to rely on what the vets told you, they are very good at assessing pain and what quality of life there is remaining. They have seen so much. When you have to make on-the-spot decisions such as these, it always comes back to haunt you because your mind cannot process what is happening, you do not want to accept what is happening.....it is not until later, when a little clarity enters your mind, that you begin to decipher what has happened and immediately begin to question your every move. It comes down to your little boy suffering, and that you could not do. Somehow you found the strength to end a future of suffering and pain.
Your precious little one was existing, not living. He had something that was incurable, he needed you to understand this and to be there for him at the end, and you were. All these should-haves. could-haves are normal in grieving. they always come because not one of us is perfect. Try not to dwell on his end, though I know that is impossible right now, he would never want that for someone he loves so much. Try to go forward in life and live it as you would want for him to go on if you were the first to go. That is love and he wants no less. He is at peace because he carries so much love in his heart.
He was meant to be in your life, all he ever wanted was a good home and someone to love and you gave him that. if you would ahev never met him iut would have spared you this pain, but at what cost to your heart? His love is a precious gift he freely gave to you and your husband. He gave you so much and will always be a part of your soul. Love is spiritual, so eternal, let him send his love and comfort to you, and you do the same.
In times liek these I always use the following as a mantra of sorts, "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened". There are few who get to love another like you do that sweet boy, you are so fortunate to have had him in your life. So know that time will bring a dulling to the sharp edges of grief, and though you will never get over this you will find ways to get through it. We are here to let you know there is life after a death, and there is always room for another little love to reside right next to his, making it even more special and grow even stronger. Please know we care, we are here to grieve with you, and we are so glad to hear of this special litle boy. Take care.......RIP precious boy. You will always be remembered, you will always have a secure place in loving hearts. May teh good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 

betsygee

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I'm so very sorry for your loss and for the pain you're feeling now. You're not alone, it's a normal thing to second guess ourselves, wonder what we could have done differently, what we did 'wrong.' But you did nothing wrong, you did the absolute best you could have and your sweet boy got all the love a little cat could have wished for.

What was his name?
 
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av23

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Thank you so much to each and everyone who took time to read my message and share words of support.

di and bob di and bob I did think about my post a lot after I wrote it. And I do understand he was sick and suffering.
I guess the worst part, and this resonates with what rockitorknockit rockitorknockit wrote is that I feel like his condition on the drugs mistakenly made me believe he was much worse than he actually was, meaning the decision to end his life was taken too soon. If only I hadn't given him those drugs, and given him other drugs instead, maybe he would still have a few, happy painless days left. Days where we could have said our goodbyes one more time, where I still could have hugged and cuddled him one more time. After all, any additional time (whether its days or hours) you have with someone you love is a huge blessing. I respect the vet's expertise, but I also felt the vet handled it a bit..cold-heartedly. He didnt ask many questions, just said he read the file, consulted with our vet and they both suggest to euthanize. When the vet saw him laying in his box, he tried to convince me its not the drugs making him weak, since Tramadol leaves the body in about 8 hours and it is very safe to give to cats with renal disease, but that is not what all the info I've read says and, as rockitorknockit rockitorknockit wrote, their cat had the same reaction from the medications...I suppose this "what if" will never ever leave my conscience...

But thank you to everyone for your words of wisdom and spiritual thoughts. They give me a lot of comfort and to be honest, I will be reading and rereading everyone's messages many more times.

He was my first cat, actually he was the first cat in our family in general. He was with me during my 20s and all the major young adult milestones in my life. He was adored by sooo many people and was just a total superstar. A little bit cheeky sometimes, sometimes a little bit of a weirdo, but mostly the most gentle, kind natured animal I had ever met in my life. I have other cats, whom I love dearly, but nothing comes close to the unspoken connection I shared with this precious animal. And he loved me. He just loved me with that quiet but solid type of love. We didnt have any any extraordinary rituals, or whatever, simply every morning of his life when I had my coffee he would jump on my lap and fold into a little ball and purr for as long as I kept him. And every night he would come and lay on my chest until we both fell asleep. And that was all that needed to be said between us.

I know in my mind, that his disease was only going to get worse. At some point, he would have needed some pain meds either way, his kidney was objectively swollen, which probably meant he was in the beginning or maybe end stages of renal failure. That I will not know of course, but I know that the end was coming. I knew the end was coming the day we got his diagnoses. At first I mourning him everyday and was living in constant anticipatory grief, except that as time went by, I sort of convinced myself he will not get worse for a long time. But I guess he was getting worse, it was inevitable. I mean he wasnt eating on his own anymore for several months now...

betsygee betsygee thank you for the perspective. We called him Feather, he was a long haired tabby. Actually, as I was typing my response, a little feather flew in from the balcony and landed beside me.
 

Furballsmom

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Consider that the vets weren't conspiring against you or your cat. They are human too, and they don't come to the decision to euthanize a pet lightly.

A reaction to a medication is one thing. On the other hand, from reading the description of his condition, behavior and vocalizations, it was time. I'm sorry 😞

I will lend to you a kitten, God said,
for you to love while it lives, and mourn when it's dead.
Maybe for 12 or 14 years, or maybe 2 or 3,
but will you, 'till I call them back, take care of them for me?
They'll bring their charms to gladden you, and should their stay be brief,
you'll always have their memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise they will stay for all from Earth return,
but there are lessons taught below I want this kitten to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in search of teachers true,
and from the folk's that crowd life's land I have chosen you.
Now will you give it all your love, nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take my kitten home again?
My heart replied, "My Lord, Thy Will Be Done",
for all the joys this kitten brings the risk of grief I'll run.
We'll shelter it with tenderness, we'll love it while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But should you call it back much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
If by our love we've managed your wishes to achieve,
Then in memory of it whom we loved, please help us while we grieve.
When our cherished kitten departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needing soul for us to love all it's life.

Author Unknown
 

KK300

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Hi to all TCS community members. I found this website when my cat got ill last April and it was a real treasure of information and support as we battled his illness. I am writing this post because this on Thursday we put our beloved cat to sleep, and I haven't been able to stop crying. I feel numb, broken and - like I made the biggest mistake of my life, which is now unfixable. I know many of you here have unfortunately been in these situations and through these emotions all too many times, so I thought maybe if I reach out to you, someone will be able to give me some perspective on the situation. How did you guys get through the heartache after your babies crossed the bridge? At this moment I dont even think it is possible. I feel like this will haunt me for the rest of my life.

End of April our cat stopped eating, and mid-May he was diagnosed with renal sarcoma, with multiple small tumours on both of his kidneys. A vet oncologist we saw said there was nothing they could do for us anymore since the tumours were present in both of the kidneys. So we put him on Pred, Cerenia and we syringe fed him for the next month. Everything was going well, more or less. I cannot say that he enjoyed syringe feeding, but he got used to it and until mid-June he was still enjoying most of his daily activities, was relatively active and still using the litter box. I knew he was sick, but I was hoping that maybe he would hold out as long as possible, after all, many people with stage 4 cancer sometimes live longish, pain free lives.

Then suddenly, 1.5 week ago I noticed that he didn't come down from the 2nd floor anymore and stayed upstairs for most of the day. He became more and more reclusive and restless, frequently moving to and from the different beds he had. When we would wake up in the morning, we would just find him laying in his bed, barely moving. I also found a hard bump, clearly palpable on his side, which we know now was an enlarged kidney/s.

At that point Thursday June 23 I called the vet to ask for some pain meds and I think this is where I made the first mistake. The vet suggested Tramadol or Gabapentine. We began with 10 mg Tramadol, and he had the most awful reaction. The vet said it might make him sleepy, but instead he just laid there, immobile with hugely dilated pupils, like he was completely stoned. He also began having trouble walking, wobbling, stumbling or collapsing on the floor. Friday we kept him med free and Saturday afternoon, we tried Gabapentine, around 45 mg, and the reaction was even worse. I would say he became almost paralyzed, his limbs were completely limp, he could barely get up, didn't sleep at all during the day and just looked very poorly. It was on the weekend that I began helping him go to the litter box, holding him up so he could pee and poop, if needed. It also became essentially impossible to feed him. He would hardly swallow any of his food anymore, and became excessively thirsty. He was never a big drinker, but now he would drink from his bowl every few hours or so if I held him up to it. Monday afternoon we went back on Tramadol, but now I decided to reduce the dose to 1/8 of a tablet, 2.5 g / twice a day, I figured his kidneys might not be able to metabolize the drug so well anymore, so I wanted to avoid giving him high doses. Unfortunately, his reaction didnt change: dilated pupils, staring at one spot on the wall, immobile, and breathing a little heavy. I also realized he was constipated, possibly from Tramadol, so the vet prescribed him some Lactulose, which I gave him Tuesday afternoon. During the night he moved one smallish hard piece of poop, but that was it. On Wednesday afternoon he started letting out these sad meows, which I immediately registered as a sign of pain, although now I am really doubting myself thinking it may have been the Lactulose causing him intense tummy cramps or something. But on Wednesday night, around 3 am he started meowing more and more, and at this point, I took him from the little cave we built for him, put him on the mattress that I had been sleeping on next to him the past week and tried to soothe him. I dont know what happened in my brain but when I heard those sad meows, I just knew that we cant go on any longer, and I promised him that in the morning there will be no pain.

Thursday morning I asked my husband to call the vet, thinking we could take him in for a check up, all the while knowing inside this is probably it. As we got ready for the vet, one last time I tried to feed him, but it was exceedingly difficult. At one point he tried to move away from me, walked a bit, collapsed and let our a huge yowl, which I think i will remember for the rest of my life.

So at noon, we found a carton box, that big enough for him to stretch out in, because he wouldnt lay in any other position. Before we went I asked my husband to make his paw print, because I just felt these are probably the last hours of his life..and I cut out a patch of his fur. We put his mat in the box, along with a sweater I used for covering him at night, and we drove him the clinic.

Unfortunately we were seen by a different vet than the one who was treating him previously. He said he spoke to our vet and they both advised euthanasia, since he was suffering.I dont know what happened at that moment, I just stood there bawling my eyes out and as much as I didnt want this with all of my body and mind, I just heard myself say ok. I dont even remember saying it I just heard myself saying it. So the vet took him away to put in the catheter, and brought him back already slightly sedated. Then he asked if he could administer the overdose and again, I just heard myself saying ok. Now that I replay it in my mind, I think I was in some kind of shock, it was as if I wasnt conscious anymore, like I was having an out of body experience. The vet administered the drugs and our precious friend was gone in 15 seconds, we didnt even have time to process in our brain everything that was happening. I expected that there will be at least a few minutes where we will be able to hug him, but he was just gone. I was literally in shock, I felt like I myself was now paralyzed. I stroked his lifeless body, looking into his eyes, and he was just gone, and I didnt even get a chance to kiss him while he was still alive. We took his body away to a crematorium, where they were very sweet, and as we filled out the paperwork, they put his body in a nice basket, next to some candles. He looked so peaceful. I remember just looking at him, and almost smiling, my heart was no longer aching because he wasnt in pain anymore.

For the rest of the day I was in complete shock. I was just staring at one spot on the wall, and didnt even cry. My husband was crying the whole day, but me, I just felt like a zombie. I slept a little during the night but by the morning, I feel like I woke up from some kind of trance, and went completely hysterical, thinking I made a mistake putting him to sleep. Maybe he wasnt able to walk because of the meds, not because of the cancer? Can a cancer really cause such a rapid deterioration in a cat? Maybe his meows werent from cancer pain, but form lactulose giving him a tummy ache? Maybe if we just tried another pain med, he would been fine..even if just for a few days. Why oh why didnt I hold him in my arms during the car ride. I try to tell myself it was because I was afraid it would hurt him, but nothing I say to myself works. Why didnt I hold him in my arms during his last breath? Did I make the right decision?...
... just a million questions and regrets circling my mind every second.

I couldnt sleep last night. In the morning I frantically ran down to the kitchen to check his meds, and started to calculate if we didnt overdose him on Tramadol or something. I am Googling all possible side effects and at this point I feel like I am going crazy. All in all, I am just a complete wreck..I tried, I really tried to help him, I almost didn't leave his side this past month, but I feel like I failed him in the end. Like the decision to put him to sleep was almost mindless or something. I am sure there was still something we could have done to save our precious baby. Maybe another med, another vet..something. I am so torn, and destroyed with guilt and heartache. I am also newly pregnant, and I know I shouldnt stress so much, but I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I just sit and cry, holding his photo.

I wish I could be able to to celebrate his life, remember the beautiful 12 years we spend together, but my heart is just bleeding and I am being ripped to pieces by regret.

p.s. sorry for the long post, I know not many people will read it, but it was also somewhat therapeutic writing it..
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I hope you can find comfort from knowing that others share your experience.
With love
Amanda
 

di and bob

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Consider that tiny feather a sign from your boy. They do try to send signs to tell us they sre alright and sending their love. My Chrissy left a single distinctive ringed hair on my vanity for days. She was my only tabby. It is bittersweet, but take heart, he is reaching out to you in your pain.
 

danteshuman

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I think everyone feels guilt and plays the what if game about deciding to euthanize their pet. Not all natural deaths are quick and painless. Trying to extend their lives can give them more suffering. With Dante I told the vet I didn’t want him to suffer & said I didn’t think he was getting better. The vet called it and also told me you can tell it’s time because he was still panting/struggling to breathe even after being knocked out (Dante had pancreatitis & severe asthma.) With Salem he went downhill so fast we rushed him to the veg to put him to sleep that day so he wouldn’t be in pain (kidney failure.) He was so out of it he didn’t protest when they stuck him with a needle to sedate him. So in his case there was no doubt. In Dante’s case, the vet’s input helps a lot. I still felt guilty for months though.

A cat wants to hunt, eat, sleep, explore, roam their territory, play & be with us. When a cat can no longer do those things it is kindness to let them go towards the end. I’m trapped in a broken body that doesn’t work; it isn’t kindness to force any being to live that way! So don’t feel guilty about that!

ED969DFA-CBBA-4866-9415-5117B7D86394.jpeg
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Feather, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Oh, my friend, you did exactly right. It is so very human to second guess these things, but...you did just right. And if you could ask Feather, he would tell you, "Better a week too soon than one day too late." You put his wellbeing and comfort before your own heartbreak. Feather passed through the Gate between This Adventure and his Next Great Adventure with your love beside him to light his way. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, he blesses you for your love, and sends his, translated and purified into Love, back to walk beside you down through all your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides. How can you be sure of this? I give your very own words back to you:

betsygee betsygee betsygee betsygee thank you for the perspective. We called him Feather, he was a long haired tabby. Actually, as I was typing my response, a little feather flew in from the balcony and landed beside me.
Love abides.
 

Tik cat's mum

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I'm so sorry for your loss, just like all the others who have been in the same situation making that awful decision. I'm here to tell you what your feeling is the norm, grief is full of ifs and buts. But deep down inside you know that you did everything right, you didn't let Feather suffer. From what you have written every choice you made was all about his comfort or his lack of comfort. You did that because of love any choice made out of love can't be wrong. I'm sure that feather landing beside you was his way of telling you he's okay now. :rbheart:
 

aurorabee

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Hello friend, I know this pain. I know the anguish of driving yourself crazy researching pain meds. I try to remind myself, healthy cats are not prescribed pain meds.
I lost my 12 year old "part of my heart" cat 2 years ago. I recently went to a grief workshop (intended for frontline workers) but what was so validating was that the counsellor there mentioned on many occasions the grief of pet loss. She mentioned that while it is different for everyone it takes about 2 years to process grief. The ups and downs though. Even a few days ago I started shedding some tears again. Strangely, I then had a dream about my sweet one (was she visiting me?). It was such a beautiful dream. So tangible. We were walking outside in the countryside and I remember being "on alert" that she would get into a fight with another cat (because in the earthly realm she was a strictly indoor, timid cat with no teeth!) however in my dream world she arched her back and defended off another cat. I don't know what this means...if she was telling me not to worry about her.

As an outsider to your situation, I would say (please excuse me if this sounds strange) that there is some comfort to receiving a definitive, palliative diagnosis. There's an expression "the only way out is through" and so it is with grief. The horrible what-ifs and mental loops.

My neighbours have this majestic tabby cat who they let outside. He rules his territory. One day I alerted my neighbours because a fox was coming nearby and was pretty fixated on him. They kind of just shrugged their shoulders. They let him live with risk because he is happiest that way. And sometimes I think it's unfair that my indoor, spoiled cat had to get sick. I know, it all feels unfair.

Wishing you peace.

3a3b2b40980d21c687625a059aa6ca4a.jpg
 

aurorabee

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I wanted to add that I have another cat. It's interesting because we have been getting closer this year. I joke that my sweet one who passed was my love at first sight and my other one is more like...an arranged marriage. She's always been a bit more independent, aloof and temperamental, but interestingly this year (and she's a 7 year old cat I've had since she was a kitten) was the first time that after I was away for a few weeks she was positively clingy when I returned!
 

CaseysMom

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I am crying reading your post, av23. I am so, so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. I just lost my precious baby on Thursday, and all I can do is cry, cry, cry and second guess every decision I made. Yesterday was the hysterical screaming kind of crying. Wanting to go back to the vet and demand that they give my cat back and make her alive again. You feel like you are losing your mind. I have had nightmares. I say all this to let you know, you are not alone. I guess this is normal, although I did not expect this kind of reaction and only experienced it once before when my dad died.

Please know that you did everything, everything you could for your precious baby. You did. I did too, although it is easier to say it to someone else than to believe it for myself. :rbheart: If you need to talk to someone who is right where you are right now, please feel free to private message me. You are in my thoughts. We will get through this somehow. I'm glad to read that you have another cat. Not that one takes the place of the other, but at least you have another baby to focus on.
 
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