Extreme Distraught/guilt

[JenB]

Hello everyone, Pls let me apologize in advance this will prolly be a bit long. And pls understand this is my first (so I knew nothing of cats) and last cat.

I got my baby girl "Sweet Pea" 18 yrs ago from some shelter (awful yucky place) in San Pedro CA in 1999 she was bout 4 weeks old and the only one left sitting alone in a bowl. At the time I honestly didn't care about cats I wanted a dog, never had a cat in my life. My ex (hubs at the time)said we should have a cat cause we lived in an apt vs a house didn't have a yard for the dog ect, I said yea okay your right we can take the kitten, so few days later after she got spayed, chipped and such he brought her home, I think we sat on the couch and stared at each other for bout 15 mins, thus started our 18 yr love/hate relationship (hate on her side).

After those 15 mins we became inseparable, Wherever I went she had to go, bathroom laundry anything even taking trash out, I had to carry her with me, I use to carry her in my messenger bag on errands as well. And my goodness was she a spunky lil turd, she would run from one end of the apt to other run up the screen door to sit on top of the regular door lol or would run up the patio screen and just hang there. And vocal wow was my girl vocal. She slept with me ate with me napped with me, heck she went through divorce with me and chose me lol. I remember the first month I had her I spent 300 dollars on kitty litter cause I wasn't aware you had to just sift it and scoop it out lol I was changing her darn litter every day, till one day ex asked why I spent so much on litter lol, Like I said my first cat never had any experience with cats before.

Sounds like the perfect cat......but not quite she liked to eat fast in the mornings and tended to throw up anywhere from 3-4 times a week in the mornings every week sometimes I got lucky and she would go days without a throwup (no hairballs all food) I got used to the cleaning up the throwup I ended up just waiting up to 15 mins after she ate and if didn't toss it then, we were safe, I used to use a grocery bag and catch it tie it ip and thow it out normal routine.

Now the worst one was she was a horrible biter, as my first cat I didn't know what to do or if it was normal or whatnot. It started when she was a kitten the first day she liked to sneak up on me and jump on my arms and bite, at first I was like how cute silly kitty shoo shoo no no, as she got older and bigger it hurt ALOT. Now mind you it started getting worse and worse she was always trying to sneak up and bite me, it got to the point where I was twitch turning cause I thought she was behind me lol. And these were NOT play bites, her ears were flat pupils dilated tail flaying around, she was NOT playing she wanted blood, and she usually got it.
16 yrs is 5696 days and that is exactly how many times she tried to bite me, she got me 90% my arms and shoulders are witness to that, past 2 yrs she calmed down quite a bite she would get that look and I would walk outside or have to grab a pillow to block her like other times but I think she just got tired of it, course she started going after the dog but never at the degree she did me, and it was only me she would come after.

Alot of people would say why didn't you get rid of her ect ect you know much as she did that I loved her and woulnd't think of giving her up yea it hurt she got blood, I got scars (battle scars is what I call them) Her love when she chose to give it more than made up for it ten fold. I joked about it and said least she never went for my face and she never did except one time but I firmly believe she was trying for my shoulder but the way I had my arm drapped across my face she got my cheek. I'd take 5 thousand more bites to have her back, or being slapped on the head at 5 am for food, or her loud vocals if the lil scratches and paw pats didn't get me up.

I will say for those 2 things she did she was a perfectly healthy cat, Weirdly healthy, I took her to the vet at 16 no teeth problem, all levels fine ect at 17 she had a little ear infection antibiotics and all gone. Now few weeks ago beginning of Nov I noticed she was in her little box ALOT, I could hear her digging and digging and digging, I really thought nothing of it, then one day I started noticing blood spots, so I was like ooo kitty kitty You got a uti maybe let's go see. So I got her in her carrier mind you this is like an WWF wrestling match and my win rate ain't so good lol. So we get to the vet they got her to pee and they brought me back a syringe filled with blood so of course I just started crying like omg wtf is that what's happening!!?? Thought she was dying I was crying away and vet apologized cause I assumed I had to put her down and she said no no that wasn't even on the discussion. She said yes was a uti but that her kidney level's were a little high but nothing that was like omg shes dying right now.....

So she got an injection and I was sent home with amoxi drops for her to have 2 times a day. Through all this my kitty is fine jumping being vocal begging for table food ect nothing abnormal. Well 2 weeks go by and she is still peeing blood, but now she's started peeing right outside her box, it's weird cause I watched her do it she climbed in but her butt was raised and the pee went over the box, so I was like okay and a good way to see if she was still bleeding is I put a bag there to catch the pee and sure enough couple times of day she would pee and she was peeing over the top, but I could clearly see still blood, So I ended up taking her back and she hadn't lost hardly any weight, they decided to give her orbax pills half a pill a day it's for bacteria cause she did have xrays done and no calcifications of anything. This is on Mon Nov 20th now she has been herself mostly the whole time eating sleeping grooming and talking she loved to talk specially to my mom cause my mother would always give her treats and such. Now I noticed Monday she started to become quite lethargic wouldn't eat still drank but just overall not herself, but I chalked it up to the meds making her feel like crap. Now by Wed evening im in a little bit of a panic cause she wasn't eating hadn't pooped in a few days (but that could of been to not eating) so Me and the man went to walmart got some of those fancy feast broths and she lapped up ALL the juice, I was so excited so I kept giving her the juice and water which she always drank water ever had an issue with her not drinking.

But here I was every 2 hours giving her broth and water, and then I started watching her go to her litter box she could barely climb in and it got to where she would put one leg in and just pee on the bag....no prob easy clean then she would lay in her box, I believe she was just plum tuckered out from the few steps cause soon as she got out she owuld wobble a few steps and lay down rinse and repeat till she got back to her blankie. Now i'm in total panic it's Thanksgiving vet isn't open, she was bloated and watching her try to walk she was going side to side like if you had bad hips walk. And just a few steps seemed to tire her out. So I stayed up with her crying all day Thursday, Finally 8 AM Fri I'm at the vets.......soon as I walked in they knew cause I was alrdy bawling bout she's not right no purrs nothing but a little rasp.

Vet comes in with a very forlorn look (crying as write this) saying her belly is very full of fluids hence the bloated look and gained her a pound! She said that the kidney disease has alot to do with it, But I was like you all said they weren't that high I had changed foods, I mean what the hell are you telling me now. And she said they could do IV and such make her feel betetr but for how long.....AND SHE WAS NORMAL JUST 4 DAYS AGO!!!

I will say we talked bout costs and such and I would give my right scarred arm for my girl even the left one but the quality of her life and mine as well ( i'm on meds to) would drastically change, so I had her put to sleep with me there with her, This is where my extreme guilt is coming from, so many what if's, should I have giving her more of a chance could I have maybe waited a few days for the orbax to get out of her system, was it even the meds that made her sick?? These things I don't know and they are making me hate myself so much, part of me honestly couldn't imagine having to stick her with needles every day or maybe force feeding her that type of thing would get you a nice bite from her.

I sit here and and go over everything every little thing, I just cant get over how fast she got sick was it the meds?? Did I make a wrong choice?? Im lost..

She was a great girl through all the bites and throwups i'd do it all over again to have her back, she never complained even with the ear infection, no crying nothing till I noticed her head shaking and wet sounds, such a majestic turd she was :}, I was the only one she ever allowed to carry around and I would walk her around the house with her over my shoulder her purring away. I miss her so much.

 

[catlover73]

You have nothing to apologize for. You wrote a wonderful tribute to your baby Sweet Pea. It is really hard seeing your baby go down-hill so quickly. You did everything you could for Sweet Pea. The bond you shared with Sweet Pea will never be broken. Your love has guided Sweet Pea to the rainbow bridge. The love you shared will always remain in a special place in your heart. It is really hard when the loss is so sudden. I lost two seniors to strokes that happened out of nowhere. One of them was perfectly fine just hours earlier and then could no longer walk or eat. I lost his brother the same way a year later. It took me along time to stop blaming myself even though the vet told me that nothing would have changed if I had been home that day. The guilt and the what-if’s suck but are part of the grieving process. Time is the only thing that allows you to work through them. This is different for each person. You did right by Sweet Pea by providing her with a loving and secure home. Sweet Pea is now an angel watching over you. I hope in time you will be able to look back on the happy times you shared with Sweet Pea. Hugs to you during this difficult time.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Pea, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

No, you did everything you could with the knowledge and advice you were given, you made hard decisions with her best interests at heart...who could expect more? And at her age, things start to malfunction, go awry, until you feel as if you are stomping out sparks as the forest flames behind you. No, you sent her gently on while she still has some small quality of life. You did not draw out her discomfort for the sake of having her near you. You put her good above your own. You did well, and I personally believe that she knows that, even now.

Should you decide at some point to honor her by bringing another cat into your life (but that decision, like one NOT to, should wait for a while), you won't have to wonder if you are doing the right thing, there will be a community to support and assist you, just as we are doing now. Hugs, across the miles.

 

[JenB]

Ty so much catlover73 and Mamanyt1953 for your words they have me feel so much better though I still ache for my lil girl who I thought would last forever or least I hoped.

I always said throughout Sweet Pea's life she was my first and would be my last (I joke she has traumatized me with the biting,), she was a character never to affectionate, generally aloof, but just enough to let me know she loved me in her own way which was very special to me and I accepted that.

I should say never say never :}

 

[JenB]

This is Sweet Pea sorry its so big!

 

[les26]

You did all you could for her and more, but it sounds like it was her time to leave this Earth unfortunately, but she is probably relieved to have left her pain ridden body but it is you who are hurting now and that is quite understandable, we have all traveled down that road of "I should have seen this" or "what if I had done this?" but it is just the acute grief talking and that can play mind and physical games with you for awhile. As hard as it is, you just have to feel what you feel, don't try to supress it, just let it flow, it has to purge out of your system and mind and will hurt like hell for awhile, but with time you will start to slowly feel better and less guilty. It is always so hard to have to "play God", but you did what was best and I'm sure if your vet thought it was too early to put her down they would have told you.

I am so sorry that you lost your best friend, perhaps with time when you feel better you can give another in need a great home like you did her. I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you.....

 

[Antonio65]

How beautiful Sweet Pea was!
I have read your post while holding my breath, this story really got me and now I'm crying.
What a wonderful tribute!
Yours wasn't a relationship of love/hate, this was pure love in my opinion and your love for her oozes from every word of yours, you would give your arms to have her back, this says everything about your love for her.
You had 18 wonderful years together, you had some fights and some blood was shed, but you have 18 years filled with things to be told, your life together has been like a novel.
You didn't do anything wrong, you did everything right, till the end. Do not blame yourself.
RIP Sweet Pea

 

[di and bob]

You lost your best friend of 18 years, you shared a big chunk of your life with this little girl , you gave her 18 years of love and care, the only thing she ever wanted. 18 years old is comparable to way over a hundred in human terms. She lived way more than most and way less than you would want, but it was her time and time waits for noone. You said she hated you, that was far from the truth, she attacked you because she accepted you as one of her own, and since you were unaware of how kittens that are taken too soon from their families need training on how far they can go, the limits they need to be socially acceptable, she became a 'wild child' and set her own. My own soulmate, Chrissy was practically the same. She even looked almost eerily almost identical to your little one. She bit almost everyone that touched her, me at times. She had a stimulation limit of exactly three strokes, any over and she attacked. Once I learned that we had a truce, although many carry scars that didn't believe me. My husband even had a little ditty about her that included the B word, but he cried the hardest I've ever seen him cry, and fell to his knees on that awful day when she followed me onto the road and I didn't know it......
They rule the world with an iron paw. Believe me, that little girl loved you, for her to live to such a great age shows a will to want to live, to hold on, and that desire was to be with you. It doesn't sound like you came out very good on your end of the relationship, but the memories and the love you will carry forever are more precious than gold. Try not to dwell on the end, I know this is impossible right now, but you have to force yourself to think more in the past to the good times, to celebrate having her in your life, she was there for a reason. To have never meant her at all would have been unthinkable. She taught you the wonderful world of cats. Like a mother with several children, you can open your heart again, you can pass on her legacy of love that she left you, each one unique and precious to your life. Believe me another little one in your life can be a welcome distraction to a broken heart. You may believe you will never love again, and you never will in the same way you loved Sweet Pea. But each love is different, never the same, special and one and one of a kind to your soul. If you ever become ready, we are here to teach you how to set limits, you are not alone in this, it is something that comes up regularly.
Time is the only thing that will soften your pain. You will never get over it, you get through it. The bond you have with that special little girl is spiritual, so eternal. It can never be taken from you. Her new path will always parallel yours until the day it crosses once more. Use it and your wonderful memories to bring comfort to your broken heart. Because that is what she would want, only happiness and sunshine for you, just as you would want for her if you were the first to go. Do something good in her name, it helps to make you feel better about yourself. I pay for the adoption at my local shelter several times a year of the cat that has been there the longest.You can donate litter or much needed food, and do it in Sweet Pea's name. Or plant a sweet pea and nurture it, just as you did for that wonderful girl. Take care.......RIP precious Sweet Pea. You will be so dearly missed, but forever held in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[JenB]

Ty les26, Antonio65, di and bob, I so much appreciate your kind words they have helped me feel so much better, I've as well read your stories here (I lurked) never had much input since Sweet Pea was my first cat not very versed in cat ways lol.

Lol I had lil nicknames for her as well you know antichrist, evil incarnate lol, I giggle thinking bout it but I have to be honest, I won't miss waking up in the middle of the night to go to the restroom and banging knees or tripping over the cabinet doors being open haha she was bad bout that I actually at one point put baby locks on the cabinets, nothing worse then hearing kitchen cabinets opening and then her letting them close but it would be like bobobbobobobbo boom and finally closed and she would keep doing it haha.

No more stealing food off the counters lol just when I had everyone trained and by everyone I mean humans lol to not leave any food on the counters that wasn't in a tupperware or it was fair game, nothing like seeing a 9 pound kitty running through the house with a fried pork chop in her mouth (thing was bigger than her head). Yes she was my taste tester everything I ate she had to eat and try, I know I know not good for her but she was persuasive lol. No more night lights either, it seems dark now, I always left nightlights on throughout the house for her. I'll miss the giving her a stroke and he right away cleaning herself like HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME WITH THOSE FILTHY HANDS YOU PEASANT! I use to give a her a stroke just to see her do it lol. She was the boss for sure though lol.

Wild child she was di and bob for sure!! And Yes I always donate I love animals more than I love people, I do not want children never plan on having them, me and the man are in the same mindset about that we prefer the furries anyday lol.
We have our big boy rotti atm not sure if he misses Sweet Pea he's looked for her but the 5 yrs we have had him she actually was quite indifferent to him, though she let him know hey don't you dare sniff me or even think bout it touching me lol though he tried bless his heart but there is nothing funnier then seeing a 110 pound rotti running down the hallway with a 9 pound kitty chasing him and swatting him and him trying to hide behind me lol. Good memories is what I have been trying to picture.

 

[di and bob]

What wonderful memories they are! One of my memories is when I was walking Chrissy on her leash (THAT was a sight, I used to have cars stop and watch.) She became frightened from a stupid person approaching with a huge barking dog, so I picked her up. Bad move! She dug into my arm so deep I bled geysers.The next day I felt sick and my arm was swelled up to three times it's normal size, cat scratch fever! That is one of my favorite songs by the way, but not too fun to have. She too, had an amazing attitude for one so small, all the 'boys' (cats) at home were afraid of her, they all gave her a wide berth. She rode a german shepard out of our yard once because it dared to come on the property, poor dog didn't know what hit him. We will always have our memories, they were special little girls in a special time of our lives. Their attitudes live on!

 

[Antonio65]

I have night lights as well, and I hope to have them for a very long time.
However I do miss being woken up in the middle of the night by my sweet Lola that just needed a cuddle or a kiss or to be reassured I was with her.
I miss all of my cats, even if they meant sacrifices

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Oh, that photo! She was, and is forever, beautiful.