Elmo

xkappax

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I am so sorry for your loss. I was in the exact same place as you back in 2014, and it is what caused me to join this site, actually. My cat, Shady (in my profile picture), was only 10 years old and he just randomly stopped eating and started to fail. I tried just about everything and nothing worked. He passed away a month later and I blamed myself for years. Did I do too much, should I have just let him go, would things have been different?

Unfortunately, what happened happened and it's not your fault. I'm sure you did your absolute best for your furbaby. My grief was so bad after I lost Shady, it felt like it was crushing me. If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me. It's like losing a child, it's just... awful.
 
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DudeandElmo

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Thank you for your reply, xkappax. I’m so sorry you went through this, too. The guilt makes the loss so much worse…I even feel guilty eating or doing anything remotely enjoyable now because she isn’t here to do her favorite things, because I failed her. The guilt makes processing the loss itself seem insurmountable.
 

xkappax

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Thank you for your reply, xkappax. I’m so sorry you went through this, too. The guilt makes the loss so much worse…I even feel guilty eating or doing anything remotely enjoyable now because she isn’t here to do her favorite things, because I failed her. The guilt makes processing the loss itself seem insurmountable.
Been there, done that. But feeling guilty won't change the outcome. You did your best to give her the best life you could. It wasn't as long as you would have liked it, but I'm sure she still had a loving home with people who really cared for her.

Guilt is an awful emotions, because you always just think about the what ifs. What if I did something differently? Would the outcome have been different? Maybe not, though. Maybe this was going to happen regardless of what you did or didn't do.

You did your best with the information that you had about what was going on with her. You couldn't have predicted what ended up happening. If you let it go or if you tried to have the surgery, the outcome would have most likely been the same. At least you tried.
 

aurorabee

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sweet orange one two years ago and still struggle with blaming myself...I can totally relate to obsessing over details.

I think when you are a wife and a mother you are doing a lot for others and answering for others, but what no-one really understands is how special your cat's role in your life is - just for you - and when that is gone it's just devastating. They can bring a comfort that is completely unique.

I think for children it has been said it's better to avoid euphemisms ("they've gone to sleep") and say things like "their body stopped working but they live on forever through our love for them".

There's an utterly beautiful children's book about an orange cat called "Molly's Organic Garden":
 
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DudeandElmo

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Thank you for your reply, aurorabee. I’m so sorry for your loss, too :( I looked at your old post about your sweet orange kitty, and it sounds to me that you honestly did everything you could. There is something special about our orange kitties. I keep finding her fur around the house still (she had super thick, long fur). I still can’t accept the way things happened. I feel in my case that I failed her, as deeply as I loved her. I want to know she is happy and forgives me and knows how much I love her, and that I’ll be with her again one day, forever. Just don’t know how to get through this
 

Margot Lane

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All we can do is our utmost, in the time given with them, we know not how long: we hope for the best, do our best, and frustratingly have to remind ourselves that cats and humans never live as long as the other, however much we would wish it so. YOU DID YOUR BEST. I can feel it, in every one of your posts! We offer ourselves up to cats, and, if we are lucky, they do likewise. We take all of of knowledge, effort and stamina, and GIVE. You did that, don’t blame yourself. Elmo is saying somehow from the beyond you did your best. ❤
 

di and bob

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I can tell you from experience, time is the only thing that helps with grief. It takes at least two years before you can get through your day without horrible flashbacks and feeling so bad. and even then you'll still have them. I felt guilty every time I enjoyed something, or even started to. It's normal. Your loved one is gone and you want to be too. But that is why we are here, to help you get through this and to let you know there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. It's uphill for a long time. More love does help, it helps to bring sunshine to your soul and helps Elmo's love shine even brighter. After all it was her that taught you what a cat's love can be, and being love, she would like nothing more than for you to share what she taught you......
 
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DudeandElmo

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Di and bob, thank you so much for helping me through this. It’s comforting to find people who care and grieve as deeply for animals as I do. You truly understand.
 
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DudeandElmo

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Sometimes it feels as though a lot of the people I know brush it off or think it’s not normal for me to be feeling as badly as I do, so it’s nice to be able to talk to fellow cat owners who understand. Thank you all so much for being here for me and for each other. I’m so grateful for this site. It also helped a few months ago when Dude, one of our other cats, was at death’s door and on his feeding tube and recovering from surgery and anorexia, and I had lots of questions. I want to start contributing and helping out others with any knowledge gained during this difficult year.
 
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