Earl, my outdoor guy.

[heidijo]

I had to let Earl go on Friday. He found me about 6 years ago, by repeatedly showing up in my backyard. I have 3 indoor cats, Eva, Jude, and Inman. Inman would always let me know when Earl showed up by meowing and rubbing up against the sliding door. Well, I'm a suckered so I started leaving food out. He didn't have a name at this point, and would take off as soon as I opened the door. He would come back and eat and lounge, but would take off whenever I opened the door. I noticed he was still intact, so made plans to trap and release. After that unpleasant experience, I didn't see him for a few days, but he came back and I continued to feed him. It took about 3 months before he would let me touch him. Eventually he would sit on my lap, and became a friendly and gentle friend. He would not stick around if anyone else came over, so none of my family or friends ever got the opportunity to meet him. Just me.

I wanted so badly to bring him inside, but the three indoors were a concern. Would bad behaviors start happening? Like spraying, or fighting? Would Earl want to go out? If so, would he bring in fleas or disease to the other three? I decided that he would be my outdoor guy. I built a cozy shelter to protect him from the cold and wet, and got him a kitty condo. He was a happy cat.

Three years on, he had issues with his left eye... I took him to the vet, and they prescribed drops. It got a bit better, and then just stayed the same for the past 4 years. A very slight bulge, and a little bit of white film(?). He could still see out of the eye. At the time of diagnosis, the vet suggested enucleation. I was not going to put an outdoor cat through that, unless absolutely necessary.

At the beginning of this past September, Earl started losing his balance a little bit, and had a slight head tilt. I immediately took him to the vet, who diagnosed an ear infection. Earl was given convenia antibiotic, steroid, and ear drops. There were no other tests done. At the follow-up appointment 2 weeks later, Earl seemed to have improved a bit... he got another dose of convenia, and was to continue the ear drops for another 2 weeks, and then anotherfollow-up. I gave him the ear drops for another week. He began to really fight me on it, and his balance was getting worse, and his head tilt was more pronounced. I came home from work on Wednesday and found him in the bushes...he did not want to come out, so I reached in lifted him out. He could barely stand when I put him on the ground, and seemed disoriented. I moved him to his food bowl and he ate, but with great distress...the head tilt was now causing the whole side of his face to be in his food. He wobbled over to his litter area, fell a couple of times, did his business and made it back to his kitty condo.

It was time. He was not going to come back from this. I broke down, knowing that I would have to let him go.

I was thankfully able to have a vet come to my home to help Earl transition. He passed peacefully, with me by his side, rubbing his little head just how he liked.

Now...the could haves, should haves, are getting to me. Could I have made him an indoor cat with my other three? Should I have had his eye removed years ago? Would that have made a difference? Would he have suffered more, back then?

I'm so sorry Earl, if I made the wrong choices. You were my dear friend and I'm so sorry your last month was so uncomfortable, with vet visits, drugs and ear drops. I miss you, and I love you...please forgive me.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Thank you for sharing your story about Earl. There are almost NONE of us that don't go through the 'what ifs'. Just remember this: focusing on those things takes away from appreciating the good things and the time you and Earl were able to spend together.

Earl is no longer with you in the physical sense, but he is with you forever in spirit. How would Earl want you to spend your time when thinking about him?

 

[Furballsmom]

Earl honey, you had the best of both worlds. Time and who knows, maybe a predisposition to health troubles caught up with you.

You were very loved. RIP sweetheart

 

[Margot Lane]

I think it says something if you’re the only one Earl would befriend…he trusted you. You extended the life of an outdoor cat & kept him from making more lil ferals. That’s amazing…you eased his transition painlessly into the hereafter. Nothing but kindness…let your guilt go—- he lived longer b/c of you.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Earl, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

We always second-guess ourselves, don't we? It is in our nature. If I HAD to make a guess, I would guess the Earl may have had a slow-growing brain tumor, but you would never have known that without some serious testing, which would have been tortuous to a feral cat, and almost certainly would not have been operable. So few are, in cats. BUT...this is what I know. What Earl knew of hearth, home and love, he knew because of you. He had a home, a safe haven, a warm bed, a warm lap. He was "somebody's cat," and that is a great gift to a feral. You did the best you could for him, and he knew that. AND you gave him the best of both worlds. He lived, breathed and had his being wrapped in your love, and he knew that. Now, from That Place Where All Things Are Known, Earl send his love, translated and purified into Love, to walk with you down through all your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[heidijo]

Thank you, so much. You may be right about a tumor. The vet that helped him pass said the same thing. Although we will never know for certain, I feel there are those who, like yourself, have a sixth sense.

 

[di and bob]

Earl had life so much better because of you. Do not dwell on things that cannot be changed, try to concentrate on the good you did for him, and knowing you gave him what he wanted most in his life, a home and someone to love him......
All those should haves, could haves always come with grief. Not one of us is perfect. Because you formed such a strong bond of love between your hearts, Earl will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Send him love and gratitude for having known him, go forward into your future and live it as you would want for him to go on if you were the first to go. Not in constant tears and sorrow, but seeking the beauty in life and sending him more love to reside next to yours and knowing the 'essence' that is him will follow your life's journey for eternity. Because love is spiritual, so eternal.
My heart breaks for what you are going through. Know time will help lessen the sharp edges of pain, and heal that giant hole in your heart. none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, so love those remaining in your life, and hold on to what they can give you. Take care......RIP sweet Earl. You will always be missed, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[heidijo]

Thank you

 

[epona]

We all go through "what ifs" - what if I'd taken them to the vet sooner, what if I'd noticed something was wrong earlier, what if I'd not this and not that.

It's part of the human experience of caring deeply for an animal that puts us through this uncertainty and guilt and grief.

I am sure that Earl had a wonderful life after you started caring for him and providing him with food and shelter, not every cat is able to be an indoors cat if they are not used to it, and it sounds like you did a fantastic job of caring for him and looked after him well.

I am sorry for your loss

 

[heidijo]

Thank you