Do my cats like each other or is this a dispute? Confused.

[TardisDance]

We are on month 4 of each introductions. We adopted Kirby, a male a little under 2 years old in late September. He was described as a social and non-dominant cat that was a TNR from a feral colony. He had a bite wound and while he healed, the foster found him friendly enough to be an indoor cat. They thought he would be a good fit for my (now) nearly 5 year old female cat Sango. She was a hoarding rescue that I adopted nearly 2 years ago. She was severely under socialized and it took her 6 months to come out of hiding.

In the beginning, we had issues with Kirby "bullying" Sango. Basically, I think he just wanted to play with her but she was afraid of him. Maybe there was some territorial dispute because he was a recent neuter too.

After about a month of hissing at him and some timeouts, he stopped pouncing on her. Then, I noticed Sango pouncing on him A LOT. I found that he was hiding under a couch a ton while she waited to pounce him.

Move forward to today, she is still pouncing on Kirby a lot but now when she tries, he will swat her or stop her and rush at her. She swats him a lot too. A few nights ago, he kept circling around a cardboard box she was in and she kept swatting him. Finally he went and bit her scruff. It was quite alarming, but he didn't break skin.

I've also noticed that when she is on a window perch or the couch sleeping, he will excessively groom her to a point where she will leave her spot and he will take it. On a couple occasions, he again has bit her scruff. She never hisses or swats at him while he grooms, so is she just being submissive? She doesn't seem to like it and I tried to stop him, but he just stops temporarily and then starts grooming her again.

Should I be worried?

I have seen throughout the day that Sango is cordial with Kirby. When I let Kirby out in the morning, Sango typically rubs his face and whole body across him. He will also lick her face.

Is this just their way of working things out? Sometimes these pouncing/chases get really annoying and Sango jumps on the dining table/coffee table (despite cat furniture being right nearby). I do try to play with them, but I do work at home and it's not always possible with meetings, etc.

I guess I just need reassurance they are working things out. It's my first time as an adult owning 2 cats.

Fyi, I'm not at a point where I'm comfortable leaving them alone at night, but he's out almost all day. I watch them on a Wyze cam when I can't be in the room with them.

 

[ArtNJ]

Sounds like they are friends. Being friends doesn't mean they are happy with each other at every point during the day. Its totally routine for one friend to be super annoying about wanting to play nonstop, or sometimes bigger or too vigorous, and the other will hiss and break off. Some cats like to be groomed, some dont, and sometimes they might feel its too much. My younger cat will tolerate it for a while, but its always on a timer -- sooner or later, she will disallow it and iniate play instead.

You can take a video if you like, post it somewhere else and put the link up here. But it sounds like your introduction work is done, and now you can just let them be. With two 4-8 year old human kids, you would need to micromanage play some and give talks and all that. With two cats, your work is done, and you can let them work the rest out. You *cant* micro their relationship, it doesn't work or do anything. The most you can do is distract them if one is being a real pest and the other seems distressed, which is a fine thing to do, but you shouldn't view that as your job.

Cats are predators, and as such when they play the practice hunting, stalking, pouncing and other things. It looks rough. But if no one is hissing or growling its play. And if only one is hissing/growling and either tries to get away or swats, it just means that cat has had enough for now. If they are mutually playing sometimes, that can be ignored.

 

[vince]

Not a problem. The cats like one another, or there wouldn't be any grooming. The scruff biting is most likely a dominance thing and is harmless. I have one that scuffs his little "sister" too.

My oldest cat is a grump. He hisses at the others a lot, mostly when they disturb him, but otherwise is closely bonded with them.

 

[TardisDance]

A ArtNJ thanks, I needed that. Sango is very playful for a 5 year old cat, and I think Kirby does get annoyed. He's slowly becoming a lazy old man despite his age lol

There are times where she stares at me while I'm sitting on the couch. Kirby is sleeping on the opposite side (we aren't quite there yet, he likes me but wants distance). The moment I move my legs, Sango will run over and meow her head off at me. She is a very noisy little thing (she's a tuxedo but I swear has siamese dna). Kirby looks like he wants to smack her and I don't blame him. She's a bit like Stewie from Family Guy with the "mom, mama, mommy . . ."

I guess the worry is that he's a big boy (11/12 lbs) and she's around 8/9 lbs. She's a tiny thing and I don't want him to hurt her. He looks huge compared to her.

 

[ArtNJ]

A ArtNJ
I guess the worry is that he's a big boy (11/12 lbs) and she's around 8/9 lbs. She's a tiny thing and I don't want him to hurt her. He looks huge compared to her.

Thats common too. In fact, my two are basically these exact same sizes. When she was a kitten, the older cat made extra efforts too play gentle and she was rarely made to yip. Now that they are older, he doesn't hold back anymore, and she does yip or hiss with some regularity when its too much, and is always the one to disengage from play. But they really like each other, play nicely for the most part, and chill in close proximity. He also grooms her, and she always loses patience with it and turns it into wrestling.

I have had the thought that maybe its a little better to try and match cat genders (since males are usually bigger even if timely neutered) because with equal sizes, they do tend to have longer more equal play sessions. I may try to do this in the future. But most folks don't worry about it, I've not seen any authorities recommend doing so, and cats manage to make these relationships work decently enough for the most part.