Did I make a mistake by adopting so soon?

[debs0n]

Hi guys,

So basically, my 1-year-3-month-old Freddie got run over 2 weeks ago. He was my life and my soul. I seriously considered him as precious to me as a human child and having lost him so suddenly was completely traumatizing. I thought I was ok-ish after 2 weeks. I was not crying every day anymore and while I still missed him, I was kind of back to my normal routine. During that time I was sent a post about a cat needing a home. He is a 2-year-old orange cat like my Freddie, though they look nothing alike. At first, I was not at all receptive to the idea because I felt like I would be constantly comparing the two and the other cat would always fall short. Eventually, my big heart won over and I said what the heck, let's adopt him. My female cat Lilo needed a companion anyway. You can read about my concerns here. I was not 100% sure that he was going to make it here but the previous owner was very excited about me reaching out and said that she liked my home for him, etc. So she brought the cat today. Napoleon is a very sweet cat, very loving, very cute. But the second she left I started feeling very stressed out about the whole thing. I kept seeing my Freddie in a lot of things that he does, and if I look at Napoleon's ears from the top they kind of look like Freddie's. I feel like I am comparing him as I initially thought, and it is just an unfair match-up. Lilo is also not thrilled. I know it will take time for them to accept each other, but right now it feels like a really steep hill to climb. So basically I sat with him in my room (his designated area for now) bawling my eyes out over my dead cat while the new one was there.

He is here on a 2-week trial period to see if we can get him to adapt and get Lilo to accept him, but I don't know if I should send him back. It is just the first night so things might change but... I don't know. I am just not feeling as excited as I thought I would feel. I feel like maybe I rushed into getting a new cat when I was not ready. I had never in my life dealt with this amount of grief. When my childhood cat died it went more smoothly, because she was old and suffering and we had already lived a life together. With Freddie, I only had one year, and it was the most wonderful year of my life. I had never been happier. I feel like he was so deeply intertwined with my heart that when he died my heart just died with him. I have even decided to go to therapy to help deal with his loss.

What do you guys think? I was thinking of keeping Napoleon until the end of the week and see how much I warm up to him and stuff, but I don't think it would be fair for him or his family for me to keep him longer if I cannot find it in me to love him how he deserves to be loved. His previous owner did say she did have other proposals, though she liked mine the best.

 

[35 year catdad]

Was Freddie an indoor cat that escaped?

I think the sooner we find another kitty to love and focus on, the faster we heal.
After losing My Mom I fostered 4 kittens and what a great way to un-depress myself. Kept the sickly runt who died of a saddle clot and
it put us right where you are. Devasted. he was my only son I ever had. So I searched for another boy for my very lonely Tortie and found Martin who was a spittn image of Romeow and Hibou fell for him just like Romeow.
I wonder if you could have indoor only cats? I have 3 in a small condo and luckily two are able to romp and play a lot after moving from a home much larger. Gotta go feed the old girl shes scratching my leg.
love and hugs from us four. Time heals. I think the longer you are with Napoleon, the more he will blossom, and bond with you and find a way into your heart, and Lilos too!

 

[di and bob]

It takes a while to allow another love to enter your heart. Being forced to deal with the daily needs of others is a good thing, it forces us to concentrate on the present, not dwell on the past. you are feeling guilt right now because you brought in another who not only reminds you of your Freddie, but wants a place in your heart too. Your heart is big enough to add many more loves. It would honor Freddie by opening yours to this sweet little one who would build upon that love, letting it bloom and flourish. You will never experience another love like Freddie's but you will love again, each and everyone as unique as a snowflake. Just as a mother loves each of her children, each one just as important, just as precious. Love takes time, you will learn to love Napoleon, not now while you are mourning, but you have already opened your heart to him because you feel his need for a home and a companion. I resented my cats at first after my Chrissy died, they were still alive. But they, in the end, became a lifesaver. What I needed to pull myself back into the world of living, not dwelling on the world of death and sadness. You will always have Freddies love, it is a part of your very soul. Don't take away a chance at another love, they come too rarely in our life's journey. Grasp on the chance of saving this little one and do it in Freddies name. You will not be sorry in the long run, that I promise.

 

[les26]

First off I am sorry for your loss. The grief and stress have ahold of you right now and are doing what they do, playing mental and physical games with you but that will slowly subside, and I have said it before but Holy Basil and Ignatia Amara helped and still help me when I am grieving, helps your body deal with the stress and pain naturally. You are overwhelmed right now with the loss of Freddie and now the change of a new cat there, and of course you will compare them for awhile, but with time things will settle down and you will see that you are doing a WONDERFUL thing by taking him in, and your other cat is in the same boat as you are, grieving and trying to come to grips with the loss and now the new addition.

Give it time, cry it out as that helps, you will settle into the new "normal" (so sick of hearing that phrase I know...) but things WILL slowly calm down and work out, and you will look back one day and be glad that you helped this little one out.

I hope that your hearts heal a bit more each day, God Bless.....

 

[debs0n]

Was Freddie an indoor cat that escaped?

I think the sooner we find another kitty to love and focus on, the faster we heal.
After losing My Mom I fostered 4 kittens and what a great way to un-depress myself. Kept the sickly runt who died of a saddle clot and
it put us right where you are. Devasted. he was my only son I ever had. So I searched for another boy for my very lonely Tortie and found Martin who was a spittn image of Romeow and Hibou fell for him just like Romeow.
I wonder if you could have indoor only cats? I have 3 in a small condo and luckily two are able to romp and play a lot after moving from a home much larger. Gotta go feed the old girl shes scratching my leg.
love and hugs from us four. Time heals. I think the longer you are with Napoleon, the more he will blossom, and bond with you and find a way into your heart, and Lilos too!

He started out as indoor but he found the way to get out. I thought he didn't go to the street, just my neighbor's yards (they are walled, our houses are built right next to each other and each has their own walled yard) and I asked if they were cool with it and they were. I never knew he could make it out to the street. I only knew once it was too late. I would have to put cat-proof fences all over the walls in my house and I will do that, I just haven't. Napoleon is not going out of my room right now because of kitty introductions and all that, but the idea is that they would only have access to the yard.

 

[debs0n]

Hi guys, thank you for your kind words. My main concern here is that I feel absolutely nothing for this cat. I don't want to spoil him. He feels like a friend went on vacation and just dropped their cat here for cat-sitting. I feel no attachment to him and right now he feels more like a nuisance than a relief. I have no experience with adopting adult cats so for me it was quite a shock to get Napoleon, with his already formed personality, and found that I did not.... love it. He is a sweet cat alright, but I feel like being sweet and affectionate is just his normal, it is not because he really loves me or my family (I know it takes time, but he's been that way since he met us). He is used to different rules and different play patterns from his previous home and right now the contrast feels jarring. I guess part of it is the guilt and the grief and the resentment, but I don't know if he is the cat for me right at this moment. I think I am capable of adopting adult cats in a context where I did not just lose my life companion so suddenly. I'm giving it a few days to decide if I'll keep him or not, but right now I am leaning towards not keeping him. I just don't think it is fair for him. In my family everyone loves animals, but the brunt of the work (financial, physical, emotional) falls on me, and emotionally I feel like I am failing him. I am just trying to decide sooner than later because it is also unfair to his original mom, who will have to find a new home again, and I just want to give her as much time as possible, should I decide to send him back.

 

[les26]

Hi guys, thank you for your kind words. My main concern here is that I feel absolutely nothing for this cat. I don't want to spoil him. He feels like a friend went on vacation and just dropped their cat here for cat-sitting. I feel no attachment to him and right now he feels more like a nuisance than a relief. I have no experience with adopting adult cats so for me it was quite a shock to get Napoleon, with his already formed personality, and found that I did not.... love it. He is a sweet cat alright, but I feel like being sweet and affectionate is just his normal, it is not because he really loves me or my family (I know it takes time, but he's been that way since he met us). He is used to different rules and different play patterns from his previous home and right now the contrast feels jarring. I guess part of it is the guilt and the grief and the resentment, but I don't know if he is the cat for me right at this moment. I think I am capable of adopting adult cats in a context where I did not just lose my life companion so suddenly. I'm giving it a few days to decide if I'll keep him or not, but right now I am leaning towards not keeping him. I just don't think it is fair for him. In my family everyone loves animals, but the brunt of the work (financial, physical, emotional) falls on me, and emotionally I feel like I am failing him. I am just trying to decide sooner than later because it is also unfair to his original mom, who will have to find a new home again, and I just want to give her as much time as possible, should I decide to send him back.

I can understand that, it is not an easy position to be in. If she said that she had other options for him you always have that as a safety net to fall back on.

Give it a few more days, think about it, sleep on it, think about it again, put it away, think again lol, and the right choice will make itslef known. It is nice that you are considering his feelings too!

 

[debs0n]

I can understand that, it is not an easy position to be in. If she said that she had other options for him you always have that as a safety net to fall back on.

Give it a few more days, think about it, sleep on it, think about it again, put it away, think again lol, and the right choice will make itslef known. It is nice that you are considering his feelings too!

That's what I'm going to do. I feel like it is premature to call his mom and be like "hey, come get your child!" haha, but I honestly feel really uncomfortable right now. I know Napoleon is also adapting. I just spoke with his mom and told her he did not sleep much during the night and she said that is unusual for him. So I guess both of us are feeling a bit shaky. I will give it until the end of the week and see how it goes. And yes, I have to consider his feelings too. Animals are totally dependent on us and we have to make the best choice for them. He is not being mistreated or neglected, but it is the lack of emotion when caring for him that is really taking a toll on me. But I will think about it. Thank you!

 

[di and bob]

You can't have feelings for him right away. It takes time to get to know him, to figure out his personality, to let his gratitude and love find a way into your heart. If anything, let caring for him distract him from your grief, affection comes first, then feelings of love. He has his own feelings too. Please don't let his love not take hold, you will have more guilt if you let him go back......Everything feels overwhelming right now, to have something to concentrate on is a blessing in disguise.

 

[Furballsmom]

I'm so sorry about your other cat!
About Napoleon, does he have anything such as a worn (unwashed) sock or two from the other household to help him transition? Cat music may help both of the cats in your household - there is Spotify, youtube, RelaxMyCat and MusicForCats as sources.

Additionally an anti-anxiety marshmallow bed might help each of them too. There might be something more in here;

How To Help A New Cat Adjust To Your Home – TheCatSite Articles

These below are extras in case any readers or lurkers might benefit;
The Litterbox: What Every Cat Owner Needs To Know – TheCatSite Articles
Stress in Cats – The Ultimate Guide – TheCatSite Articles
How To Safely Introduce A Cat And A Dog – TheCatSite Articles
How To Set Healthy Boundaries For Your Cat – TheCatSite Articles

 

[Mamanyt1953]

This will take time. One of the problems you will need to deal with is the very common, but very unwarranted, feeling in the back of your mind that you are being disloyal to Freddie, "replacing" him, or that allowing yourself to love him means that yu no longoer love Freddie. None of those things are true. NOT ONE! It will take time for your bleeding heart to open up to this guy. You can't "fall in love" with him while Freddie is still front and center of your mind, but you can decide to give him a chance, and learn to like him. From there, with time, love can certainly grow. I have a friend who is going through this right now, and after about four weeks, she is FINALLY calling Charlie "my girl," and "the kid," and "Crazypants." The love has taken root, and is growing. It can happen for you, too.

Rest you gentle, Freddy, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your human's heart forever.

 

[les26]

How are things going with your situation now?