Devastated at losing my beautiful boy

[scratchy]

On Saturday I had to say goodbye to my little boy and life for the past 18 years like alot of people on here i am so devastated I don't know how to even live without him. It all feels too raw after having to put his brother to sleep only five months ago, he was really poorly with an overactive thyroid which we struggled to manage as it was so aggressive. I wasn't surprised when the time came to end his suffering, with Scratchy however I am in shock. He was feeling his age and had been very vocal after his brother died. His back legs were weak and I spent most of my time reassuring him and cleaning up poo where he had missed the litter tray. He howled all night and I would pick him up and take him to bed with me. He seemed disorientated .. I presumed he had gone deaf or a bit senile. On Friday evening we had our usual cuddle and play fight and I went to bed. At 2am he woke me up howling as usual but this time it was different he seemed out of breath. I went to him and instead of meowing he flopped on the floor and didnt move. I knew instantly something was very wrong. I picked him up and put him on my bed, his tail was down and he was breathing hard. I settled him and sat up trying to comfort him. By 7am he didn't want to be touched, his eyes were sinking and he was laying on his side not responding to me. I took him to the vets expecting it to be his heart but instead was told he had a huge mass in his liver. He was only checked a month ago and nothing detected. He was laying on the vets table on his side and didn't move. At the age of 18 the vet told me I had no options other than to end his pain. So that's what I did, my beautiful little best friend slipped away while I told him I loved him.
Now I have lost them both, they were my life. My rationale brain tells me they were old and they lived like Gods, I was happy to be their slaves. My heart doesn't know what to do, everything reminds me of them, I feel anxious and cry all the time. I hope this gets easier. Wishing you all happier times

 

[Primula]

I feel your pain. Many many of us have been through the same thing. The pain is devastating. The worst thing, IMO, is first thing in the morning when you realize they are gone. Scratchy would not want you to be unhappy. Try to focus on the wonderful years you had together & not on his last day.

 

[scratchy]

It's horrendous isn't it. It was awful when I lost his brother but I still had him to pull me through. You are right mornings and food times. Even the sun shining on his bed (I can't put it away yet) makes me so upset. I wish they lived the same length as us. Thank you for taking the time to respond x

 

[Primula]

Something that may comfort you a little: somewhere in a shelter is an abandoned kitty looking for a forever home. Scratchy would like you to consider this when the time is right.

 

[scratchy]

I have to admit that has come into my mind a few times, then I feel sick at the thought of even trying to love another like I did my boys ... but I don't think I will last very long without a cat friend. The house is so quiet and clean it's horrible. Would happily hear my Scratchy howling at 2am again. I guess I need to get used to their departure and once I find peace with it I will look for another x

 

[zed xyzed]

 they were old and they lived like Gods, I was happy to be their slaves.

So well said, I would do anything for my old boy.  I would happily give my cat years of my life if I could. I am so sorry you sweet furry friends had to move on to their next journey. I hope your heart heals a little more every day.  

 

[di and bob]

The grief you feel at the beginning is so raw and overwhelming it consumes your very soul. The emptiness you feel in your house invades your heart  and home like a  tsunami and sweeps away any kind of joy or happiness for what seems like forever. Until  you realize that Scratchy and his dear brother would never want to be the cause of so much unhappiness in your life. They love you way too much for that. How would you want them to live if you were the first to go? In perpetual grief and sadness? Of course not, and they want the same for the one they love above all else. Scratchy was lost without his brother, and I'm sure he wanted to be with him and spend eternity whole and young again, laying in the sun and waiting for your life's journey to once more cross their path in the far future. Their new path will follow yours forever, the bond you formed will never leave you for it is formed link by link with love, which is spiritual, so therefore eternal. Remember the journey you shared with them, let those beautiful memories comfort you and bring you joy, for you shared something that is priceless, something that many will never experience at all. They were in your life for a reason, be grateful for the love they gave you and for the love that you returned, it would have been a tragedy to have never met them at all. Time is the great healer of all, in time your heart will heal enough to share once again the joys of love, like a parent with many children you can love again, each one priceless and unique. Your sweet Scratchy is now a part of your past, one of the best parts, honor his name by sharing his legacy of love in the future.  

My heart goes out to you, I know how much this hurts. It is something you learn to live with, and time is the only thing brings a softening of it's sharp edges. I'll pray for you and your two sweet angels, they are so lucky to have known and loved someone like you, and it is a privilege to know them through your post. Take care of yourself........RIP sweet Scratchy, you will never be forgotten and will always have a place in a loving heart. May the reunion with your brother be joyous, may you both find comfort and love along the bond that joins you with the one who so desperately misses you both. Sleep tight sweet Princes! 

 

[scratchy]

Thank you so much for your kind words which I found great comfort from. You are right Scratchy had struggled after his brother died, I hope they have found each other again. You are so right about the emptiness and the raw grief, it's overwhelming being at home expecting to see my little buddy. However I do need to try and remind myself they couldn't and wouldn't live forever, 18 years is a fine age. I'm so grateful for having them in my life. Like alot of us on here they have been through the good and bad times with me. Always knowing no matter how bad it got I could come home and find them waiting on the drive for me. As they started to feel their age they didn't go out but still they were waiting in the hallway. Beautiful boys. I liked your analogy about mothers loving different children in different ways, it gives me hope for the future.
It's a very lonely time, my husband is trying to be supportive but ultimately they were my boys and they always stuck by my side, so it's not the same level of grief for him. Thank you so much xx

 

[scratchy]

Thank you so much Zed, I know what you mean about doing anything for our beautiful cats, it's heartbreaking they have to leave us but I hope you too are able to take comfort from the pure love we have for them

Xx

 

[wealthy1]

I have to admit that has come into my mind a few times, then I feel sick at the thought of even trying to love another like I did my boys ... but I don't think I will last very long without a cat friend. The house is so quiet and clean it's horrible. Would happily hear my Scratchy howling at 2am again. I guess I need to get used to their departure and once I find peace with it I will look for another x

Scratchy I feel the same way. When I lost Tiger, I thought I NEEDED to get another cat to help with the loss of Tiger. But I knew that wouldnt be fair to myself or the new cat.

I find it amazing how you notice little differences without our fur-friends. My house is filthy and quiet and I' always late to work now, because I don't have to wake up until I'm ready. Tiger kepted me on a schedule. I miss being responsible for something other than myself.

But my prayers go out to you that you find peace during this time. Im sorry for your loss.

 

[scratchy]

Thank you Wealthy1, it's so hard isn't it. Nothing really to get up for except two noisy kids. Unlike many people I know the children never replaced my cats and they always had the same love and attention from me, If not more, than before.
If you don't mind me asking how long have you been without Tiger? I am so sorry for your loss. It really is the hardest thing and not many people understand.
Tiger sounds beautiful xx