Desperate and struggling with timid cats

katiesperson

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Husband and I adopted two cats, brother/sister, age 2.5, about 10 weeks ago. We got them from a foster home where they had lived all of their lives and were treated very well. The home had 3 other very large male cats who were very sociable, outgoing, perhaps even a bit forceful. Our two were always more on the timid side, especially the girl, but would sleep with their foster mom and play with her, allow her to pet them. She told us she knew it would be a hard transition for them to our home but thought they would come around after a week or two.

It took closer to a month for the boy to come out of hiding and warm up to me and he will allow me to pet him, brush him, and play with him in the room where the kitties spend most of their time, my home office, during the day. Once my husband comes home from work, the boy runs back to his old hiding spot under our bed and stays there until it's dark outside and he hears us watching TV. He'll then return to his bed in the office. My husband is a gentle soul but a big guy. He feeds both cats boiled chicken before he leaves for work and gives them wet food in the evening. He's never done anything to startle or frighten the boy, but he just won't relate to my husband the way he does to me.

The girl has really only stopped hiding during the day within the past couple of weeks. We set up a tall cat tree in the office and she spends most of her day in it, but will retreat to her old hiding spot under the office bookshelf if she hears a noise outside and when my husband comes home. At first when we got her she would let us pet her while she was in her hiding spot if we gave her a treat. After about a month she started hissing at us if we tried this and we decided to give her space and stopped trying to pet her for a while. I've been trying again to pet her the past week or two and now she hisses and swats at me even when I'm trying to feed her a treat. Her foster mom tells me she never heard the girl hiss and is very surprised by her behavior.

I'm writing to you all for advice because we are really struggling to bond with these two. We knew they were timid but thought a quiet home with lots of love and no big boy cats would bring them out of their shells. At the very least, we thought we would get to the same level of closeness with them that their foster mom did. We previously had a kitty who was the ultimate people cat, she passed in November. We miss having kitties who will come and sit with us and let us love on them. We have lots of Feliway around the house, two cat trees, no kids, nothing to stress them.

We're desperate to win these guys over and don't know what else to try. Has anyone has success with thunder shirts? Should we consider taking them to the vet for medication?
 

squidiney

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We recently adopted another cat from a shelter. He took 3 whole months to warm up to us and my other cat. Now he is begging for kisses and belly rubs. Sometimes you need to give them their space.

We acclimated Thorin, cat, to our house and other cat, Nero, by figuring out what his favorite toy was and rewarding him with a treat or play time with his favorite toy, which is a feather with a bell on a string i made. He figured out that being out with us meant fun times and treats!

He's now addicted to catnip and friskies temptations. Some cats take more time than others to acclimate to new surroundings.

You could try a calming collar. We used it on Thorin and it worked wonders. Just don't push her too far and do more damage than good. :) keep us updated!
 

molly92

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I agree it's going to take time. It sounds like they have more timid personalities than the average cat and the adjustment from living with their foster mom has been a lot for them to take in.

You might want to confine them both to one room for a while so they're less intimidated. Stick to a schedule so they know when to predict you coming and going. You can block off hiding places to make them more accessible, but be sure to provide alternative hiding places like a cozy cardboard box so they can feel safe.

Respect their space and their warnings so they know they can trust you to listen to them. Go at a slow, gradual pace, and keep sessions with them short but frequent if you can. Play is a great way to help them bond with you if you can get them interested in a wand toy. Even if you spend 10 minutes waving it around and they don't engage, but they watch it, that's progress. Eventually they'll get bold enough to play if they enjoy that sort of game. (Ask the foster mother what their favorites are.) For petting, you might want to make some sort of makeshift stroking wand or wooden spoon to get them used to petting while you're around without actually having to confront your hands. When they are comfortable with that, you can graduate to one or two fingers. You can also feed them some canned baby food (chicken or turkey, no onions or garlic) from the end of a wand, and then graduate to them licking it off your fingers. This way they have to interact to get the treat (they can't grab it and hide to eat it), and most kitties love the taste and smell of it. 

Try not to stare directly at their eyes, approach them from the side rather than head on, and get down close to the floor when you can. These actions will all make you seem less threatening. If you do catch their eyes and they blink at you, slow blink back a few times and then look away. It's cat language for, "I'm comfortable and not in hunting/anxious mode, so you can relax." 

Because they're especially nervous around your husband, you can take an article of clothing or a towel that smells like him and place it under their food dishes, that way they'll learn to associate his scent with something very positive.
 

Kat0121

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Husband and I adopted two cats, brother/sister, age 2.5, about 10 weeks ago. We got them from a foster home where they had lived all of their lives and were treated very well. The home had 3 other very large male cats who were very sociable, outgoing, perhaps even a bit forceful. Our two were always more on the timid side, especially the girl, but would sleep with their foster mom and play with her, allow her to pet them. She told us she knew it would be a hard transition for them to our home but thought they would come around after a week or two.

It took closer to a month for the boy to come out of hiding and warm up to me and he will allow me to pet him, brush him, and play with him in the room where the kitties spend most of their time, my home office, during the day. Once my husband comes home from work, the boy runs back to his old hiding spot under our bed and stays there until it's dark outside and he hears us watching TV. He'll then return to his bed in the office. My husband is a gentle soul but a big guy. He feeds both cats boiled chicken before he leaves for work and gives them wet food in the evening. He's never done anything to startle or frighten the boy, but he just won't relate to my husband the way he does to me.

The girl has really only stopped hiding during the day within the past couple of weeks. We set up a tall cat tree in the office and she spends most of her day in it, but will retreat to her old hiding spot under the office bookshelf if she hears a noise outside and when my husband comes home. At first when we got her she would let us pet her while she was in her hiding spot if we gave her a treat. After about a month she started hissing at us if we tried this and we decided to give her space and stopped trying to pet her for a while. I've been trying again to pet her the past week or two and now she hisses and swats at me even when I'm trying to feed her a treat. Her foster mom tells me she never heard the girl hiss and is very surprised by her behavior.

I'm writing to you all for advice because we are really struggling to bond with these two. We knew they were timid but thought a quiet home with lots of love and no big boy cats would bring them out of their shells. At the very least, we thought we would get to the same level of closeness with them that their foster mom did. We previously had a kitty who was the ultimate people cat, she passed in November. We miss having kitties who will come and sit with us and let us love on them. We have lots of Feliway around the house, two cat trees, no kids, nothing to stress them.

We're desperate to win these guys over and don't know what else to try. Has anyone has success with thunder shirts? Should we consider taking them to the vet for medication?
Hi there and welcome!!  


I have a very shy cat also. Henry was at a shelter from 4 months of age until age 8. he was not socialized much during that period so it took a while for him to be comfortable enough to leave his safe room- about 7 months. 

The first thing to do is relax. Cats are super intuitive. They pick up on our emotions. They can tell when there is anxiety in the house and it increases theirs as well

Take it slow. Let them progress they way they need to. 

If the issue is with your hubby, then he should play with them. Wand toys such as Da Bird are irresistible to most cats. Laser pointers are good too.  Have him sit on the floor so he becomes closer to their size. Standing or looming over them is very intimidating. When he plays with them, this will help them associate him with good things to them. it's very good that he feeds them. He can also greet them with treats to reinforce that he's a good guy. 
  Da Bird is available through Amazon and other online retailers

The Feliway is good but it doesn't work for all cats. It did nothing for Henry. Some people have had success with Bach's Rescue Remedy. It's flower essences that help ease anxiety for some animals. This also didn't work for Henry. You can put it in their water or food. It's a liquid

.

The biggest mistake that I made with Henry was thinking that he "should" be at a certain point in his progression at a certain time. When he wasn't, I panicked. I thought it had to me be me. he doesn't like me, I shouldn't have taken him, I'm doing everything wrong, etc...  

then I realized that I WAS the problem but not in the way that I thought. Every time I had those thoughts, I mentally put a hand up in front of my face and said STOP. I was putting my expectations on an animal that had no idea what an expectation was. As soon as I relaxed and let him do things the way he needed to, he started to progress. He's still skittish now but he's getting more confident every day. The cat that was too nervous to even leave his safe room now wakes me up for breakfast by standing on my back. 


You can do this. Play time is your friend as is food. Patience, love and time help too!!! 
 

red top rescue

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If your cats were not used to a man, bigger size, lower voice, entirely different energy that a woman, it's like getting to know a new breed of alien for him.  I have cats to this day who will freak out of a workman comes over, because all my friends are female and men are just not part of the equation.  These cats are two years old and were raised here, in this 'foster' home, and are still here (they were adopted out for 6 weeks but came back when the family was unexpectedly transferred out of state after living here 10 years).  They were only allowed to take one animal, so they took their 10-year-old dog, understandably.  One of these cats is affectionate with me in the house.  He snuggles up beside me on the couch and wants to be petted and have his ears rubbed.  The other is affectionate OUTSIDE the house, he will roll over and want his belly rubbed if I sweet talk him outside, but otherwise he tends to be independent. 

The most important thing in raising cats that were not fully socialized (to men, women, kids and dogs, even ferrets and other cats) is to make it about THEIR needs, not yours.  It takes a special person or family to raise a feral or undersocialized cat, and it must always be about THE CATS NEEDS and not about your needs.  Remember, the home you adopted them from knew it was a foster home, but the CATS didn't know that! As far as they are concerned, they were given away.  They don't know why.  They were happy and got along with everyone.  After 2 1/2 years, it's going to take them awhile to trust again, to learn that this is their FOREVER home, when they already thought the last one was.  This is a big shock for them. They are probably still waiting for their "real" mom to come and take them home.

If you can just be all right with them being the way they are, keep loving them and encouraging them with treats and gentle play, petting despite the hissing (hissing is generally fear, not aggression) they will come around.  In time they will forget they had another home.  They will give up waiting for their "real mom" to come and get them.  Often it does take six months to a year, depending on the cats.  It also helps a LOT to have other cats around, ones who are more socialized -- like perhaps the other males were at the other house.  These cats learn from other cats.  If the other cats aren't afraid of you, these will learn from the other cats.  Perhaps you could find a cuddly well socialized cat to add to your family, which would give you the interaction you want and also provide an example for your new cats.  

Stay in touch with their former foster family also and see what she thinks. 
 
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katiesperson

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Thanks,everyone,for your suggestions and encouragement. It's good to know that it's possible that they will make more progress with time and patience.

The girl actually did engage in play with me with a wand toy today, but she stopped playing when her brother came into the room.

We have been giving them rescue remedy with their evening wet food. I was giving it to them in the morning too at first but it seemed to make them sleepy. I work from home and so am able to interact with them during the day and don't want to lose that opportunity because they are too sleepy to play. We've also tried making their hiding spots less comfortable than the places we'd like them to be and that has gotten them out more.

I'll try to find a long brush for petting and see if it helps. She hasn't been brushed and I haven't been able to clip her nails in the 10 weeks we've had her. The boy loves brushing and will tolerate one or two claws being clipped each day.

The hard part in getting them comfortable with my husband is that during the week he's only home and awake for a few hours in the evening and they tend to hide out in their room during that time. We need to do it on the weekends and it's hard to find time. Also my husband has a big warm heart and it really hurts his feelings that they are scared of him and don't respond when he tries to work with them, so that makes him not want to try. It's silly, I know, they aren't rejecting him personally,but it sure feels that way.

Again, thanks so much for your help.
 

sivyaleah

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You've already gotten some excellent advice here, and I just want to reiterate that it might take longer than you expected.  

When we adopted our second cat, all we knew about her was she was found on the streets, had suffered some abuse by neighborhood kids and was very shy (understandably).  

While not feral (she obviously was socialized somewhere) she clearly had some trauma to work through. It took buckets of patience and determination on our part to help her acclimate to our home.  She hid under a bed for weeks; the first few days she didn't come out to eat, drink or use the litter box.  We were very concerned to say the least.  When she finally emerged, it took at least a month for her to realize she was safe but, it took much longer for her to get used to my partner. He was so upset about that, having had cats his entire life, couldn't figure out why she didn't want to be near him.  Our other cat walked into our life as if he'd always known us so this was unusual behavior for him to deal with.

Well, I had to explain to him that it all has to go on her terms and one day, she'll be ready to be his kitty too.

It took time but I can tell you that she is more his cat now than mine LOL.  I mean she loves me plenty but oh my if he calls her from another room she goes zooming to meet him!  She doesn't have any shyness left (although she is still slightly hesitant when strangers come into our home, but she doesn't run off to other rooms, just hangs back. She's also incredibly affectionate, spirited and playful which we really weren't sure would happen or not.  

From stories told on this site, it seems that if you allow the cat to come to you, eventually they will if they had been socialized from young.  They may temporarily have things holding them back but nearly all get over it with loving, consistent care.  And once they get over that hump their personality will be night and day from where they started.  Definitely keep having your husband do things which will bond him to the cats.  Feeding, playtime, giving special treats, cleaning the litter box, etc.  I can guarantee he will be rewarded eventually, just not in the time frame he'd hoped for.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if months from now you come back saying OMG he loves my husband more than me :D
 

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When preparing cats for the arrival of a baby, it is often advised to play tapes of babies crying or let some of those baby shows run nonstop on the tv during the day even if you are not home.  I wonder if you could find some Man Channel where it is all men talking and just keep playing it so they get used to hearing mens voices.   Mine get some of that with The Weather Channel........and they were better when the propane man came today.  He only comes twice a year, so it's not like a regular thing.  The water meter is out at the street, and the electric meter is read remotely, so those folks don't show up. 
 
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katiesperson

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I  actually think our girl prefers my husband. She is a bit less shy with him than me. It's our boy who is fine with me but scared to approach hubby or let him approach and pet him. They do hear men's voices quite a bit because I often listen to podcasts while I work and many male voices are on the ones I like. 

I decided to try approaching our girl from the side and pet her while not looking at her and offering her a treat. No dice. She hissed twice and the second time she lifted her front paw ready to strike. I guess we'll keep waiting for her to decide petting is acceptable. I'm concerned about her claws also because they haven't been clipped since we got her. I can see them even when she has then retracted. I'm worried she'll get them caught in something, but probably better not to force it because I know it will set us back quite a bit in the trust department.
 
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katiesperson

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Thought I would update this thread with the progress we've all made over the past couple of weeks. Both kitties are improving.

Our boy is much less afraid of my husband and will even approach him sometimes to get a few head scratches and rubs. He only hides if someone comes over to visit us. Once my husband goes to bed he will come to the living room and cuddle up in my lap and purr. 

Our girl will now let me pet her a little bit, but only when she's in her cat bed next to my chair and I reach down (anywhere else and she'll hiss). Even so, I have to be careful because she can turn from enjoying the petting to hissing/biting/scratching me in a second and without showing the usual signs of pending aggression (no tail twitches or pulling ears back). I've learned that after 10 seconds or so it's best to quit even if she seems to be enjoying it. I also tried stroking her front paw to see how a nail trim might go. She hissed and swatted me and left four cuts for each of the nails that really need trimming. I think we may have to have my husband hold her in a towel and get the trim done this weekend as it's been more than 3 months since her last trim and her foster mom told me she could never get our girl to cooperate with it.

Thanks to all who offered advice/encouragement. I was afraid that they had come as far as they would go after 2 1/2 months with us, but they keep inching closer to bonding with us.
 

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Hi there and welcome!!


I have a very shy cat also. Henry was at a shelter from 4 months of age until age 8. he was not socialized much during that period so it took a while for him to be comfortable enough to leave his safe room- about 7 months.

The first thing to do is relax. Cats are super intuitive. They pick up on our emotions. They can tell when there is anxiety in the house and it increases theirs as well

Take it slow. Let them progress they way they need to.

If the issue is with your hubby, then he should play with them. Wand toys such as Da Bird are irresistible to most cats. Laser pointers are good too. Have him sit on the floor so he becomes closer to their size. Standing or looming over them is very intimidating. When he plays with them, this will help them associate him with good things to them. it's very good that he feeds them. He can also greet them with treats to reinforce that he's a good guy.
Da Bird is available through Amazon and other online retailers

The Feliway is good but it doesn't work for all cats. It did nothing for Henry. Some people have had success with Bach's Rescue Remedy. It's flower essences that help ease anxiety for some animals. This also didn't work for Henry. You can put it in their water or food. It's a liquid

.

The biggest mistake that I made with Henry was thinking that he "should" be at a certain point in his progression at a certain time. When he wasn't, I panicked. I thought it had to me be me. he doesn't like me, I shouldn't have taken him, I'm doing everything wrong, etc...

then I realized that I WAS the problem but not in the way that I thought. Every time I had those thoughts, I mentally put a hand up in front of my face and said STOP. I was putting my expectations on an animal that had no idea what an expectation was. As soon as I relaxed and let him do things the way he needed to, he started to progress. He's still skittish now but he's getting more confident every day. The cat that was too nervous to even leave his safe room now wakes me up for breakfast by standing on my back.


You can do this. Play time is your friend as is food. Patience, love and time help too!!!
I know this is an old thread but OMG I loved the last part of your comment, you are absolutely right!!!
 
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