Dealing with the toughest period of my life these past 7+ months

Kwik

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Just an update on what has been going on:

Thanks to the elder law attorney we were able to form a trust for my mom and save a LOT of their money from going to the nursing home so that is really good news. But the bad news is on Tuesday my 85 year old dad had a stroke, and he already has Aphasia and Dementia, they are working with him but we will have to see how much he responds to things, his right side is paralyzed, they talked with us and of course talked about the worst possible outcome to the best and everything in between, but time will tell where this goes. And I have my 84 year old mom to deal with too, but she is taking this pretty well, her and I both know that he hasn't been enjoying himself for years now, we don't want to see him go if it is his time but we want him to at least enjoy somethings in life.

This is so, so tough, emotional draining, it's on our minds constantly, times of crying, times of understanding it somewhat, but this is how it must play out and I just have to deal with it as it happens, and try to keep myself from getting sick over it...
Sorry to hear this Les,I'm glad to know your Mom is dealing with it well - still,it must be very difficult for her - are they still in the same room or does Mom have her own room?

You,Deb and your family remain in my prayers .
 
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les26

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Sorry to hear this Les,I'm glad to know your Mom is dealing with it well - still,it must be very difficult for her - are they still in the same room or does Mom have her own room?

You,Deb and your family remain in my prayers .
Thank you. They were in the same room but he is in the hospital right now.
 

neely

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This is so, so tough, emotional draining, it's on our minds constantly, times of crying, times of understanding it somewhat, but this is how it must play out and I just have to deal with it as it happens, and try to keep myself from getting sick over it.
Yes, having been through this with both parents at the same time like you it's very emotionally draining. Everyone handles it differently but it sounds as though your mom and you are being realistic which helps. We all find distinct ways of coping. I'm thankful you have your wife, Deb, for support and your mom has both of you. :hugs:
 

Kwik

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Yes, having been through this with both parents at the same time like you it's very emotionally draining. Everyone handles it differently but it sounds as though your mom and you are being realistic which helps. We all find distinct ways of coping. I'm thankful you have your wife, Deb, for support and your mom has both of you. :hugs:
Amen ! Thank God for you and Deb.... And you both have many many many who love and are here for you🙏❤
 
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les26

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I also started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago and she is showing me helpful ways to cope. I sent her the history by email ahead of time of the last two years of what I have been dealing with and when I talked with her in person she said "all I'm hearing is Dementia and cancer and tumors etc." and she is right, it's like I'm swimming in it and that's all I am surrounded by, health issues with them or our cats and my mind probably was saying "am I next? Am I okay?" So that was a huge help learning that and trying to distance myself from that the best that I can. And I have been exercising and eating right, my bad cholesterol was up but the good and Tryglycerides are normal, I've been that way for years but this time the doctor suggested statin drugs (no way!!) so I lost weight because I cut out the stress eating junk like ice cream and other things after supper, meals are healthy but I was coping by stress eating at night, but since that is done and I'm exercising I've lost 14 pounds and am taking more fiber and plant sterols and I know I can get the levels down. Plus I read stress can increase the LDL levels, I'm surprised they aren't through the roof but they're not that bad, I saw another doctor a few weeks ago for something else and talked to her about it and she agreed the levels aren't that bad, that I can get it down with what I'm doing and said "I wouldn't put you on statins for that". My total level was 229. But worrying about that was MORE stress, ugh....and now this...
 
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les26

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And the counselor also said "you were already up to here (touched her forehead) with stress and then losing Stanley (our cat on Easter) so suddenly put you over the edge" and that is true. I said yesterday "I was starting to get over losing Stanley somewhat, like the wound was healing, now this tore it apart and even more"...
 
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les26

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The doctor called a little while ago and NATURALLY that is when I ran out for a few minutes, but Deb talked to her and I called back later and talked to a nurse. They said that somehow, with his mouth, and even with his arms strapped down, my dad pulled the feeding tube out from his nose!!! They said they NEVER had anyone do that before, they don't know how he did it!!! They tried SIX TIMES last night to put it back in but they couldn't, he fought them so much they had to stop. They said they would try again tonight, but they said his right side is paralyzed and they don't think that it will come back. They put food in his mouth and he just let it sit there, he isn't able to eat anything, they are giving him IV with sugar water and electrolytes in it, but they are going to talk to us about Hospice, it is getting pretty grim now. He doesn't understand their commands and doesn't respond to them.

Deb said "I wonder if he doesn't want the tube in?", like maybe he doesn't WANT to eat anymore? I don't know...but they said they don't recommend putting a feeding tube in his stomach, they said he would just lay in bed and not be able to do anything else, which is no good. But when they said to him "is your name Les?" he said "yes", then they said "is your name Paul?" he said "no". I just wish the strength that he had when he squeezed my hand the other night he would be able to put that into chewing again, but I guess the stroke and his Aphasia and Dementia won't allow the signals to "connect"? I want to ask them how long they should wait before doing anything drastic, because what if it would come back with time? But they can probably gauge by what they see that it doesn't look like he will be able to regain much of anything, plus they said he's 85 so that doesn't help, but the stroke and the other two things are tough to overcome.

We will go in tomorrow to see him, Father's Day...we had planned on taking him and mom something to eat at the nursing home, but that of course was before all of this stuff happened.

It doesn't sound good, I never thought this would be the way that he would go out, but only God knows what the ending will be like. :rbheart:
 
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les26

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We visited dad today and saw that he didn't have the nose feeding tube in that he pulled out somehow on his own even though his arms were strapped down, but he did have oxygen on. He awoke and recognized us when we talked to him, but didn't say much but he knew it was us. The doctor talked to us and we are going to set up Hospice for him, she doesn't think he will get the brain ability back to tell him to chew, but he can swallow, but she doesn't think it will improve. We asked questions and so did she, and we feel this is the way to go, and she said if he does show signs of improvement we can take him off of it, but this way he'll be taken care of.

I did talk to him about if this is the end, I said "if it IS the end you will see your sister Nancy and Uncle Rich and so on and so on" and he started to cry and got upset which made me VERY upset, but I kept talking to him and he reached up with his good arm and touched my face which of course set me and Deb off...I then joked and said "and Nana will give you some jobs to do around the house" like she did when they lived across the street from each other and he laughed. But I added "if this is NOT the end that would make us very happy" and told him that if he could chew again that would be great, but we'll see. But Deb said to me maybe he was crying because he forgot that he will see those people again, maybe it was a relief for him, and maybe he is afraid and hopefully me saying "don't be afraid of anything" helps him, I don't know. But I wanted to tell him basically if he has to go it is alright, so many people hang on and on afraid they will upset the ones left behind, so I told him that and my mom whom we talked with right after that agreed, as tough as it was she said "I'm glad you said that to him". She understands, doesn't like it but she realizes this is how it is going, and again said "he hasn't been right or enjoying himself for a long time" and she is right.

And just now Hospice called and I will go in to meet with them tomorrow afternoon, and I asked her opinion of this and she said "it's better that you told him, sometimes they do know that they aren't well and are afraid of how the ones left behind will take it", and maybe he was relieved that I understood it and accepted it. But either way it was horrible, talking to him and the doctor and then my mom and now Hospice, this was one of the toughest days in my life, but it has to be done...:rbheart:
 

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I believe that it is true that often people need to know that it is okay with family that they let go. I have even heard of that being true with very fragile premature babies that are hanging on. When a parent holds them and tells them that if they need to they can let go and they pass. Obviously, a fragile preemie doesn't understand the words but somehow they understand that it is okay to go.
 
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les26

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Pop is back with mom in the nursing home and he was at least 35% BETTER than he was in the hospital!! He was moving his right arm, waving at us with that hand that they said was paralyzed, recognized us all, was saying some more legible words, ate pureed food and drank, wiggled his toes with both feet for me when the doctor at the hospital said he couldn't and I was there but today he could!! So let's hope that it continues to improve each day, but Deb & I were shocked and very surprised!

Praise God!! :rbheart:
 
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les26

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Wow, that's amazing news! I'm glad your dad is back in the nursing home with your mom and doing so much better. :thumbsup: This must help your stress level as well.🤗

I think it will, honestly I'm still in shock over this!! I told EVERYONE there "if you would've seen him in the hospital and see him now you'd be amazed!!"
 

Kwik

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Pop is back with mom in the nursing home and he was at least 35% BETTER than he was in the hospital!! He was moving his right arm, waving at us with that hand that they said was paralyzed, recognized us all, was saying some more legible words, ate pureed food and drank, wiggled his toes with both feet for me when the doctor at the hospital said he couldn't and I was there but today he could!! So let's hope that it continues to improve each day, but Deb & I were shocked and very surprised!

Praise God!! :rbheart:
Yep- Praise & Glory to God!!!,Amen,continuing prayers❤
 
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les26

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Pop passed away tonight around 5:01 p.m., I was on the road but was able to make it there in time, and we think that he waited for me as Deb said after she told him that she saw me pull into the parking lot his breathing became very normal, not erratic like they said it was off and on all day, and as soon as I came into the room he passed very peacefully, we are thankful for that.

No more pain or suffering, he is whole and happy again, no more problems here for him....:rbheart:
 

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You and your family are in my prayers. You've been overwhelmed, and that is natural since you are a loving and caring person.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take some time to grieve. You have been so supportive through everything. I know am sure there are a lot of people in your life willing to help out with meals, etc. Let them. They really want to be there for you and your family.

I don't know how I missed this thread, but I wish I could have been here for you. God bless.
 

Kwik

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Pop passed away tonight around 5:01 p.m., I was on the road but was able to make it there in time, and we think that he waited for me as Deb said after she told him that she saw me pull into the parking lot his breathing became very normal, not erratic like they said it was off and on all day, and as soon as I came into the room he passed very peacefully, we are thankful for that.

No more pain or suffering, he is whole and happy again, no more problems here for him....:rbheart:
My Deepest Condolences les26 les26 . Prayers for you and your family for Peace and Comfort through your great loss and Always

How is your Mom?
 
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