Dealing With Guilt

[Pinkleaves]

Rest you gentle, Lotto, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Guilt is such a human reaction. "I coulda, shoulda, woulda," but the truth is we can only do the best we can do at any one time. Cats hide illness. That is who they are. They do it so well that many, many times we don't know something is wrong until far too late to do more than try to offer a good quality of life until they leave us. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to see past millions of years of protective evolution! Lotto was nineteen years old! That is a testament to your love, devotion and care for him. He lived long, he lived well, he lived loved, and he is remembered. What living creature can ask for more? If he could talk to you right now, he would say, "My love hasn't left you, only my poor body that was old and worn out. Don't feel guilt, honor the joy that we brought each other. I am with you. Love abides."

Thank you for your kind words. It is appreciated.

 

[Pinkleaves]

I only had one session so far and I learned a lot about grieving, what what I feel is normal, that it comes in waves or like storm clouds and then goes. She told me what I am going through is very very normal. Like I have another cat to care for, and I have such a hard time buying cat food for the poor little thing. I fall apart in Petsmart to this day, looking at all the foods Timmer loved, some he hated. I tend to just grab some stuff for her and run to the register. All normal.

It's been two months since Timmer passed. I really found journaling to be extremely helpful. I write it like I'm talking to him and telling him I miss him; I write down things he did that made me laugh, times we shared, what his fur looked like, try to describe the color of his eyes. All the stuff he usually did. I usually don't write sad things. I can't believe how much better it made me feel to do that. Like I didn't have to worry about forgetting because I had written it down. Because the special moments and wonderful things start to fade. The other nice thing about journaling is you don't have to bother another person or discuss it with someone who thinks you should be over it by now. It is a very intimate thing.

Oh I can imagine that must be hard. As I don't have any other cats I completely avoid the pet aisles as I would find it upsetting too!

Thank you for sharing that. I think journaling sounds like a good idea and i think I will try it myself. Writing down the good things may help with me not focusing so much on the regrets - if I can visually see all the good.

 

[Pinkleaves]

Sorry for your loss. I think many of us who lost our beloved pet to illness or disease feel guilt about it. I know I've gone through the same more than once. Of all the problems I've had with my cats over my many years I'd say cancer was the most profound to deal with. I never forgot the sight of my cat wasting away and suffering day by day until I knew it was time. You just realize at some point that their quality of life no longer exists that its been replaced by only suffering and wasting away. Even when I knew it was the right thing to do I had to work through all the enormous load of guilt I harbored. But there was really nothing I could do that I wasn't already doing. The guilt will eventually subside and more and more you will remember all the things you cherished about him. The key is to remember that you provided a good home with love, companionship, respect, and care, and that is what helped him to live the long happy life he had.

Thank you for sharing and the reminder to think about the things I did provide.

 

[Pinkleaves]

I think most if not all here can relate. I felt the same when Charlie passed end of Aug 2016. He was in my life for 17.5 yrs. And though he had some other typical old cat issues, like your kitty he had a cancer that seemed to go steady for months and then went downhill quick. Unfortunately I could not imagine being in the room when he was pts. I said goodbye from home and my parents caught a taxi to the vet. I feel guilty alot still, even after adopting again. He was the love of my life and I keep wondering if I could have done things differently, if I gave him enough love and care. The only positive thing is that that day he was sleepy and out of it that he didn't know what was going on, so no stress.

Don't beat yourself up. Guilt is very common and normal. It will eventually heal, but I won't beat you around the head and say tomorrow, or next week it will all be fine because only you can tell how you are feeling as each day goes. *big hugs* I am sorry for you and your furbaby.

Thank you for sharing your experience I am sorry for your loss. I had no idea about the cancer before we saw rapid detoriation. And now in hindsight I can see I missed signs which i should have picked up and acted on which is hard.

 

[Pinkleaves]

I'm sure we all relate......I don't think there is one life that is lived without SOMETHING causing regret. None of us are perfect, none of us know exactly what to do and the right time to do it in. We have all been short tempered, forgetful, or just plain overwhelmed at one point in our lives and dealing with a death of someone so innocent, so important to our hearts, brings it all up in a tsunami of emotions. Their are so called 'steps' to healing during the grieving process. It is said we all go through them, we MUST go through them to achieve peace. Some of us stay in one step much longer than others, some of us repeat a step over and over again. But in the end we all go through this time in our lives on our own and at our own pace. There will always be all those should haves, could haves after losing someone we love. Why the good memories don't come to the front, I don't know. Traumatic times and times that we are ashamed of are often more memorable. Those feelings always repeat themselves in our minds and we have a vague nagging that somehow we could have changed the outcome, changed how we reacted at the time, changed it to something our minds and hearts can accept. This makes them stay around, helps them to repeat themselves over and over again, but never changes the outcome. Because it can't. The past is over, there is nothing , no matter how much we want it to be, that can be done, or changed, or taken back. Guilt and the feeling that we did wrong or could have done better are powerful emotions. Sometimes I think we do it to punish ourselves for living when our loved ones aren't. So what do we do? We don't go there. Instead of trying to change the unchangeable we concentrate on what we can change. As someone profound on this site once said, don't make the death more important than the life. Don't dwell on the death, celebrate the life.Don't try to change something that can never be changed. Learn from we did, or said, or didn't do, and vow to try to change ourselves in the future, not the past.
I know for certain not one of our little ones would want anything else but our happiness and the best in our future, just as we would want for them if we were the first to go. Love is that way...it is unselfish, it wants to grow, to be passed on to honor the memory of the one who bestowed it. Not be hoarded in a dark and grieving heart, never to see sunshine or experience the joy of being alive. They shared that with us just as they shared our life's journey for a while. To have never met them at all during this journey would be unthinkable. We are blessed to have experienced this kind of love. Concentrate on the good memories, there are oh so many more of them. Live every moment to it's fullest, none of us can guarantee a tomorrow. Accept love again into your heart, pass on that legacy that was left to you. Remember you are not alone, you will always have that bond of love you forged link by link. Use it for comfort, and know your precious little one is tied to your soul forever.
My heart goes out to you, time will heal your broken heart, the good memories you have will dry your tears. And friends that understand will help you through this..... take care. RIP little one. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!

Thank you for taking the time to write that. I appreciate your advice. I will definitely read over this again.

 

[Pinkleaves]

I am so sorry for your loss. 19 years is a long life and it is always hard to lose a cat companion. I'm glad you found this site. There are a lot of people here who understand what you are going through. Guilt is a common feeling and as others have said cats are good at hiding illness. It is so easy to overlook subtle signs. You did the best you could and made a very difficult decision. I know it seems like the pain will never end but it will get better. Don't punish yourself with the guilt; focus on the wonderful times you had with Lotto. He will always be in your heart.

Thank you, I'm glad I found the site, reading people's advice and experience has helped!

 

[Pinkleaves]

I can relate completely to how you feel. Harry had to be pts on Feb 6th. He was receiving treatment for other things but the main problem, the constipation was, IMO, not investigated early enough until it was too late and cancer was discovered. Like you, I feel so guilty that I didnt insist on more investigation at the time. He had a thyroid operation a month before as she said it would help and he was given metacam but I didnt give him it for the whole month before he died and I feel so bad agreeing to the thyroid operation when he had cancer and I feel so bad that he might have been in pain and I didnt know. I know how you feel about the guilt, its awful. I am hoping time will help, I know its often how people feel when family and family pets die but it is very hard.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry for your loss and the guilt you feel also, it really is horrible isn't it.

It sounds like you followed the vets advice which is what would have been the best thing to do at the time, they are the professionals, so try not to be too hard on yourself about that.

I am also hoping that time will help.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

We are glad that you found us, as well. Someday, perhaps another cat will share your home and heart, NOT to take Lotto's place, that can never happen, but rather, to honor the love that you and Lotto shared. I bet he would approve, when the time is right!