Dealing With Guilt

[Pinkleaves]

Hi all,

A few months ago my 19 year old cat was put to sleep after he rapidly deteriorated with cancer over the course of a few weeks. The diagnosis from the vet and the decision to put him to sleep happened extremely fast. As he was absolutely petrified of the vets, we called the vets out to our home and it was as stressfree and as peaceful as it could have been which I am grateful for.

However, these days were the saddest days of my life. Whilst it has become slightly easier without him being here, I am so overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. I look back at his life and realise there were so many signs that I missed. I realise now that there was a lot I didn't know and more that I could have done. The thought that he may have been in pain without me realising is terrible. The happy memories that I have are completely overshadowed by the guilt I feel.

Can anyone relate?

 

[Draco]

I am so sorry to hear about your kitty.. she lived a great long 19 years with you!

It is common for any pet owner to feel guilty.. "I should've done this, How did I miss that?".. it's OK, it's not your fault. Cats hide pains really well and symptoms are often overlooked. Sometimes life gets in the way too.. and that's also not your fault.

Try not to think about those could've's and should'ves.. instead think about the cuddles and good times you've had with her. Know now that she's painfree and no longer suffering. I am sure she appreciates you for those moments.

 

[Antonio65]

Usually feelings of guilt comes for not doing something or doing something wrong.
Your feelings of guilt comes for not seeing something earlier, but as Draco said, cats are masters at hiding pain and discomfort, so we can realize that something is not right too late.
My feeling of guilt is for not taking my poor cat to the right vets. I trusted them, they were known as the best doctors in the country, but they were just criminals. This is my fault.

You did nothing wrong, you realized of his illness when he let you to, you couldn't have done anything better.
I'm sorry for your beloved cat.
Hugs!

 

[les26]

It is just the guilt talking and taking over as it will, you did the best you could with what you had and I know all of us here have looked back and said "I should have seen this coming" or "I should have tried that", I know I have but it is because we feel 100% responsible for their well being and when they are sick and pass we feel that we failed them, but we didn't, we do our best and with time these feelings fade away.

And grief can come out in MANY ways, mentally and physically, so just try to keep that in mind and let it run it's course, and with time you will slowly feel the guilt fading away.

God Bless.....

 

[Wenda]

I'm so sorry to hear about your boy. It's always hard to lose someone. What's his name? Sometimes I find it helpful to talk about memories (good or bad) and what you loved best about them. If that helps you, I'd love to hear about your kitty.

 

[Timmer]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Yes, we can relate. I can relate. My Timmer had IBD and suspected GI lymphoma and I spent some time going over the past, why didn't I see it sooner or notice. We don't know, that's why. We don't know to look sometimes. I've had lots of cats with a variety of diseases and some I never noticed til it was too late. It's like we learn with each one.
19 years is a solid long life and something to be celebrated. Not all of us get that long with our loved ones. I wish I had. Your sweetheart had cancer and that's a very sad thing that most of the time you cannot do anything about. I know that doesn't change how it ended and I'm probably not writing clearly right now. But I know he had a fantastic life with you!
I had some grief counseling recently and she told me that going over the past, the what ifs and blaming yourself, is really a way of not facing the grief (but it is a natural thing we all do). I can see that making sense. As long as we are stuck in that guilt phase you don't really process the grief.
I notice from week to week or even day to day, I seem to focus on different things about Timmer that I miss and hurt over and cry over. Just know that grief is all over the place, it's messy and it's exhausting. It never really leaves you, you just learn to adapt and in time the edges will start to soften. They will.

 

[Pinkleaves]

I am so sorry to hear about your kitty.. she lived a great long 19 years with you!

It is common for any pet owner to feel guilty.. "I should've done this, How did I miss that?".. it's OK, it's not your fault. Cats hide pains really well and symptoms are often overlooked. Sometimes life gets in the way too.. and that's also not your fault.

Try not to think about those could've's and should'ves.. instead think about the cuddles and good times you've had with her. Know now that she's painfree and no longer suffering. I am sure she appreciates you for those moments.

Thank you. I hope that is easier to think about the good times without the bad and feelings of guilt soon.

 

[Pinkleaves]

Usually feelings of guilt comes for not doing something or doing something wrong.
Your feelings of guilt comes for not seeing something earlier, but as Draco said, cats are masters at hiding pain and discomfort, so we can realize that something is not right too late.
My feeling of guilt is for not taking my poor cat to the right vets. I trusted them, they were known as the best doctors in the country, but they were just criminals. This is my fault.

You did nothing wrong, you realized of his illness when he let you to, you couldn't have done anything better.
I'm sorry for your beloved cat.
Hugs!

Thank you Antonio. I'm sorry to hear about your cat. From what you say it seems like you did nothing wrong either. You trusted professionals as we are often told to do.

 

[Pinkleaves]

It is just the guilt talking and taking over as it will, you did the best you could with what you had and I know all of us here have looked back and said "I should have seen this coming" or "I should have tried that", I know I have but it is because we feel 100% responsible for their well being and when they are sick and pass we feel that we failed them, but we didn't, we do our best and with time these feelings fade away.

And grief can come out in MANY ways, mentally and physically, so just try to keep that in mind and let it run it's course, and with time you will slowly feel the guilt fading away.

God Bless.....

Thank you for your message. Just looking back I can see so clearly now that I could have done so much more and so much better for him. It's confusing to understand how I didn't see it at the time.

 

[Pinkleaves]

I'm so sorry to hear about your boy. It's always hard to lose someone. What's his name? Sometimes I find it helpful to talk about memories (good or bad) and what you loved best about them. If that helps you, I'd love to hear about your kitty.

Thank you Wenda. His name was Lotto. I had him since I was around 9 years old so I don't really remember him ever not being in my life - From walking with me to school to jumping up as soon as I got back from work to welcome me home!

 

[Pinkleaves]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Yes, we can relate. I can relate. My Timmer had IBD and suspected GI lymphoma and I spent some time going over the past, why didn't I see it sooner or notice. We don't know, that's why. We don't know to look sometimes. I've had lots of cats with a variety of diseases and some I never noticed til it was too late. It's like we learn with each one.
19 years is a solid long life and something to be celebrated. Not all of us get that long with our loved ones. I wish I had. Your sweetheart had cancer and that's a very sad thing that most of the time you cannot do anything about. I know that doesn't change how it ended and I'm probably not writing clearly right now. But I know he had a fantastic life with you!
I had some grief counseling recently and she told me that going over the past, the what ifs and blaming yourself, is really a way of not facing the grief (but it is a natural thing we all do). I can see that making sense. As long as we are stuck in that guilt phase you don't really process the grief.
I notice from week to week or even day to day, I seem to focus on different things about Timmer that I miss and hurt over and cry over. Just know that grief is all over the place, it's messy and it's exhausting. It never really leaves you, you just learn to adapt and in time the edges will start to soften. They will.

Thank you, I appreciate you sharing your experiences. You're right, we don't know everything and I have learnt now. But I can't help but regretting that I didn't learn sooner. It's still confusing to me why I didn't look into things more/ question signs and behaviours more. I just didn't see it as anything at the time. But now I can see so clearly! I know it wouldn't have changed the ending but I believe I could have made much of his life so much better before he detoriated further and the signs were obvious.

You're right, grief really is exhausting and so up and down. Have you found the grief counselling helpful?

 

[Antonio65]

Thank you for your message. Just looking back I can see so clearly now that I could have done so much more and so much better for him. It's confusing to understand how I didn't see it at the time.

You did the best for him, you couldn't do any better than that.
My former vet used to say that cats are stupid creatures because it seems they don't want to be helped, they hide their ailments until it's too late, they do not show anything. And they tend to refuse help, meds, vets, and so on.
It's their nature, we're helpless before their instict, that leads them to save themselves when, on the contrary, their instict is also their death sentence.
You did your best, don't destroy yourself with this thought of yours.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Lotto, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Guilt is such a human reaction. "I coulda, shoulda, woulda," but the truth is we can only do the best we can do at any one time. Cats hide illness. That is who they are. They do it so well that many, many times we don't know something is wrong until far too late to do more than try to offer a good quality of life until they leave us. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to see past millions of years of protective evolution! Lotto was nineteen years old! That is a testament to your love, devotion and care for him. He lived long, he lived well, he lived loved, and he is remembered. What living creature can ask for more? If he could talk to you right now, he would say, "My love hasn't left you, only my poor body that was old and worn out. Don't feel guilt, honor the joy that we brought each other. I am with you. Love abides."

 

[Timmer]

You're right, grief really is exhausting and so up and down. Have you found the grief counselling helpful?

I only had one session so far and I learned a lot about grieving, what what I feel is normal, that it comes in waves or like storm clouds and then goes. She told me what I am going through is very very normal. Like I have another cat to care for, and I have such a hard time buying cat food for the poor little thing. I fall apart in Petsmart to this day, looking at all the foods Timmer loved, some he hated. I tend to just grab some stuff for her and run to the register. All normal.

It's been two months since Timmer passed. I really found journaling to be extremely helpful. I write it like I'm talking to him and telling him I miss him; I write down things he did that made me laugh, times we shared, what his fur looked like, try to describe the color of his eyes. All the stuff he usually did. I usually don't write sad things. I can't believe how much better it made me feel to do that. Like I didn't have to worry about forgetting because I had written it down. Because the special moments and wonderful things start to fade. The other nice thing about journaling is you don't have to bother another person or discuss it with someone who thinks you should be over it by now. It is a very intimate thing.

 

[Candybee]

Sorry for your loss. I think many of us who lost our beloved pet to illness or disease feel guilt about it. I know I've gone through the same more than once. Of all the problems I've had with my cats over my many years I'd say cancer was the most profound to deal with. I never forgot the sight of my cat wasting away and suffering day by day until I knew it was time. You just realize at some point that their quality of life no longer exists that its been replaced by only suffering and wasting away. Even when I knew it was the right thing to do I had to work through all the enormous load of guilt I harbored. But there was really nothing I could do that I wasn't already doing. The guilt will eventually subside and more and more you will remember all the things you cherished about him. The key is to remember that you provided a good home with love, companionship, respect, and care, and that is what helped him to live the long happy life he had.

 

[dragoriana]

Hi all,

A few months ago my 19 year old cat was put to sleep after he rapidly deteriorated with cancer over the course of a few weeks. The diagnosis from the vet and the decision to put him to sleep happened extremely fast. As he was absolutely petrified of the vets, we called the vets out to our home and it was as stressfree and as peaceful as it could have been which I am grateful for.

However, these days were the saddest days of my life. Whilst it has become slightly easier without him being here, I am so overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. I look back at his life and realise there were so many signs that I missed. I realise now that there was a lot I didn't know and more that I could have done. The thought that he may have been in pain without me realising is terrible. The happy memories that I have are completely overshadowed by the guilt I feel.

Can anyone relate?

I think most if not all here can relate. I felt the same when Charlie passed end of Aug 2016. He was in my life for 17.5 yrs. And though he had some other typical old cat issues, like your kitty he had a cancer that seemed to go steady for months and then went downhill quick. Unfortunately I could not imagine being in the room when he was pts. I said goodbye from home and my parents caught a taxi to the vet. I feel guilty alot still, even after adopting again. He was the love of my life and I keep wondering if I could have done things differently, if I gave him enough love and care. The only positive thing is that that day he was sleepy and out of it that he didn't know what was going on, so no stress.

Don't beat yourself up. Guilt is very common and normal. It will eventually heal, but I won't beat you around the head and say tomorrow, or next week it will all be fine because only you can tell how you are feeling as each day goes. *big hugs* I am sorry for you and your furbaby.

 

[di and bob]

I'm sure we all relate......I don't think there is one life that is lived without SOMETHING causing regret. None of us are perfect, none of us know exactly what to do and the right time to do it in. We have all been short tempered, forgetful, or just plain overwhelmed at one point in our lives and dealing with a death of someone so innocent, so important to our hearts, brings it all up in a tsunami of emotions. Their are so called 'steps' to healing during the grieving process. It is said we all go through them, we MUST go through them to achieve peace. Some of us stay in one step much longer than others, some of us repeat a step over and over again. But in the end we all go through this time in our lives on our own and at our own pace. There will always be all those should haves, could haves after losing someone we love. Why the good memories don't come to the front, I don't know. Traumatic times and times that we are ashamed of are often more memorable. Those feelings always repeat themselves in our minds and we have a vague nagging that somehow we could have changed the outcome, changed how we reacted at the time, changed it to something our minds and hearts can accept. This makes them stay around, helps them to repeat themselves over and over again, but never changes the outcome. Because it can't. The past is over, there is nothing , no matter how much we want it to be, that can be done, or changed, or taken back. Guilt and the feeling that we did wrong or could have done better are powerful emotions. Sometimes I think we do it to punish ourselves for living when our loved ones aren't. So what do we do? We don't go there. Instead of trying to change the unchangeable we concentrate on what we can change. As someone profound on this site once said, don't make the death more important than the life. Don't dwell on the death, celebrate the life.Don't try to change something that can never be changed. Learn from we did, or said, or didn't do, and vow to try to change ourselves in the future, not the past.
I know for certain not one of our little ones would want anything else but our happiness and the best in our future, just as we would want for them if we were the first to go. Love is that way...it is unselfish, it wants to grow, to be passed on to honor the memory of the one who bestowed it. Not be hoarded in a dark and grieving heart, never to see sunshine or experience the joy of being alive. They shared that with us just as they shared our life's journey for a while. To have never met them at all during this journey would be unthinkable. We are blessed to have experienced this kind of love. Concentrate on the good memories, there are oh so many more of them. Live every moment to it's fullest, none of us can guarantee a tomorrow. Accept love again into your heart, pass on that legacy that was left to you. Remember you are not alone, you will always have that bond of love you forged link by link. Use it for comfort, and know your precious little one is tied to your soul forever.
My heart goes out to you, time will heal your broken heart, the good memories you have will dry your tears. And friends that understand will help you through this..... take care. RIP little one. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!

 

[Kitty Mommy]

Thank you for your message. Just looking back I can see so clearly now that I could have done so much more and so much better for him. It's confusing to understand how I didn't see it at the time.

I am so sorry for your loss. 19 years is a long life and it is always hard to lose a cat companion. I'm glad you found this site. There are a lot of people here who understand what you are going through. Guilt is a common feeling and as others have said cats are good at hiding illness. It is so easy to overlook subtle signs. You did the best you could and made a very difficult decision. I know it seems like the pain will never end but it will get better. Don't punish yourself with the guilt; focus on the wonderful times you had with Lotto. He will always be in your heart.

 

[Mylittlepony]

Hi all,

A few months ago my 19 year old cat was put to sleep after he rapidly deteriorated with cancer over the course of a few weeks. The diagnosis from the vet and the decision to put him to sleep happened extremely fast. As he was absolutely petrified of the vets, we called the vets out to our home and it was as stressfree and as peaceful as it could have been which I am grateful for.

However, these days were the saddest days of my life. Whilst it has become slightly easier without him being here, I am so overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. I look back at his life and realise there were so many signs that I missed. I realise now that there was a lot I didn't know and more that I could have done. The thought that he may have been in pain without me realising is terrible. The happy memories that I have are completely overshadowed by the guilt I feel.

Can anyone relate?

I can relate completely to how you feel. Harry had to be pts on Feb 6th. He was receiving treatment for other things but the main problem, the constipation was, IMO, not investigated early enough until it was too late and cancer was discovered. Like you, I feel so guilty that I didnt insist on more investigation at the time. He had a thyroid operation a month before as she said it would help and he was given metacam but I didnt give him it for the whole month before he died and I feel so bad agreeing to the thyroid operation when he had cancer and I feel so bad that he might have been in pain and I didnt know. I know how you feel about the guilt, its awful. I am hoping time will help, I know its often how people feel when family and family pets die but it is very hard.

 

[Pinkleaves]

You did the best for him, you couldn't do any better than that.
My former vet used to say that cats are stupid creatures because it seems they don't want to be helped, they hide their ailments until it's too late, they do not show anything. And they tend to refuse help, meds, vets, and so on.
It's their nature, we're helpless before their instict, that leads them to save themselves when, on the contrary, their instict is also their death sentence.
You did your best, don't destroy yourself with this thought of yours.

You're right! Oh how much easier it would be if they could talk. He completely refused help - vets, eye drops etc. I can't tell you terrified he was of the vets. It was always an awful, awful experience and I did worry about the long term stress on him. I guess this may have contributed to me not picking up and reacting to signs that I regret missing now.