Dealing with grief

[scarlettleia]

Good afternoon all!
I'm posting this thread partly for a bit of advice in dealing with grief, and partly to do just that by talking it through.

We lost our precious boy Philip a year ago (suddenly at 3 years old, to a bladder blockage and subsequent organ failure and blood poisoning) and today marks the day we got his little protégé Percy. We didn't wait long to commit to a new cat as we didn't want Elizabeth to get too used to being the only cat (she's quite territorial) so there was only 2-3 weeks between putting Philip down and getting Percy.

I adore Percy with all my heart and he's so incredibly loved but still, a year on, I find myself looking at him and crying on occasion because of the circumstances that he's in our life. I wouldn't change us having him, at all, but I feel a little bit guilty that I am still wishing we didn't have to get him, that it was ever a choice we had to make.

I always felt like I had a deep connection with Philip. I've suffered from some seasonal and situational depression and whenever it would hit, my husband would bring me Philip and he'd sit and let me cry on him, and Percy just simply isn't that cat, which is absolutely fine. He has his own qualities, he's playful and fun and cheeky and loving, but I feel as though I've lost that deep connection that I had.

Has anyone had to deal with conflicting feelings of guilt over not having the same relationship with a new cat after a loss? And how did you deal with it?

 

[Furballsmom]

feel as though I've lost that deep connection that I had.

Some cats are like that, they create an amazing bond with us. But just as with different people, we react differently to other cats.

This may help;

I will lend to you a kitten, God said,
for you to love while it lives, and mourn when it's dead.
Maybe for 12 or 14 years, or maybe 2 or 3,
but will you, 'till I call them back, take care of them for me?
They'll bring their charms to gladden you, and should their stay be brief,
you'll always have their memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise they will stay for all from Earth return,
but there are lessons taught below I want this kitten to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in search of teachers true,
and from the folk's that crowd life's land I have chosen you.
Now will you give it all your love, nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take my kitten home again?
My heart replied, "My Lord, Thy Will Be Done",
for all the joys this kitten brings the risk of grief I'll run.
We'll shelter it with tenderness, we'll love it while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But should you call it back much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
If by our love we've managed your wishes to achieve,
Then in memory of it whom we loved, please help us while we grieve.
When our cherished kitten departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needing soul for us to love all it's life.

Author Unknown

 

[FeebysOwner]

Hi. So sorry for your loss. And, I can't offer anything so eloquent as Furballsmom just did. But, I will tell you my story anyway.

When I lost Tawny, the very same day we were forced to let him go, a mystery cat showed up out of nowhere. Tawny was my first cat, and I was devastated. I could have never imagined life without Tawny. But, we took in Gracie anyway. I think some of the grief I might have experienced was 'overlaid' by the preoccupation of an unexpected new family member. They were in no way alike, but I learned pretty quickly to appreciate Gracie for who she was. When Gracie died, it was nearly two years afterward that another cat came along and adopted me (I didn't seek her out), and Feeby is/was yet again very much different than either Tawny or Gracie. I learned to appreciate those differences as well. I actually think for me, going two years without Gracie before Feeby came along was harder than taking on Gracie when she showed up so soon after Tawny. Because each new cat has enabled me to experience a whole other type of friendship.

I now know that no one cat will ever replace another, no matter whether or not they are alike in any way. And, it allows me to hold each of them in my heart with sincere gratitude that they were their own 'individuals'. Unique, yet still very special, in their own way.

My advice to you is to keep that place in your heart for Philp, knowing he was one of a kind - but, know that you can hold Percy right along side of Philp as unique and one of a kind in his own way! The connection may seem different because of each of their personalities, but the connection really is as strong because of - not in spite of - those wonderful differences.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Philip, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

This is what I know, over a lifetime of loving, losing, and loving again...no matter how many legs that being might have. Each creature we love has their very own place in our hearts. They never leave it, not even death can take that from us. And no new creature can take that place away, or change it. They make their own place. If you are a Christian, you have certainly heard "In my Father's house, there are many mansions." Our hearts are very much the same. NO ONE can move into Philip's mansion, it is his forever, unchanged, a testimony to the love you shared and share still. Percy has his very own mansion, and he has decorated it with his own personality. Yes, it is normal to think about that, but remember this...you have many friends in life, and NOT ONE OF THEM has the exact same friendship with you as another. And I doubt anyone feels guilt over that fact. Let yourself enjoy Percy as Percy, and visit Philip's "house" often...his love for you, translated and purified into Love, still waits for you there. Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[zed xyzed]

I know how you feel. I lost my Midnight last year. He was my first cat. We had such a special connection and losing him was the most pain I have felt. I think of him every day. I have his ashes on my mantle and light (electric tea lights) every evening for him. I haven't miss a day. I have 2 younger boys that I love with all my heart but that connection that I had with Midnight was special. My thoughts are with you as you grieve your sweet friend.

 

[di and bob]

Oh yes, we all have gone through a million different feelings and emotions, the pain of loss can take years to diminish. I remember feeling resentment towards my cats that I cared for after Chrissy's death. After all, they were alive and she was not. But then I realized the need to care for them, the routines of feeding, cleaning litterboxes, and watching over them was something I needed even more right then. but it took quite a while......
Don't ever think of the younger cat or cats you have left, as taking anything you are feeling about Phillip away, as a replacement, or diminishing that love in any way. That can never be. Phillip is firmly established in your heart, has an eternal secure spot that can never be touched. Each love you have enter your heart is unique, irreplaceable, and as permanent as your memories. The horrible feeling of loss and despair can follow you through life, they can come crashing back and bring you to your knees at a moment's notice. If you let them. Eventually you will find ways to cope, to go forward with your life, because your life can't sustain such pain forever. You will realize that because of your bond with Phillip, you will let into your life the knowledge that he would never want you to spend the rest of your life feeling such pain and despair. That like you would want for him if you were the first to go, he wants only happiness and love in your life. That is the meaning of love. The bond of love you have with him can never be taken from you, never broken. Any new loves you have in your life will be added on besides that love, not in place of. They will add on to his love and help it to grow even stronger. He is there in spirit and always will be. His love in your heart will eventually bring calm and peace where there is now such pain. Send him prayers and ask him to help you. He is forever as close as your thoughts and prayers. "Do not cry because he left you, smile because he was there......."

 

[betsygee]

As others have said, some cats just have a special place in our hearts. My first kitty Skittles was like that. She would let me cry on her, like your Philip, and carry her around like a baby, and she snuggled under the covers with me. It's been 11 years and 7 cats later, and I still think of her and miss her. We lost another little guy almost a year ago and my hubby misses him so much--Rico was his special buddy.

We love the two cats we have but of course they aren't the same as Skittles and Rico. They're all so different. The routines we have with Zoe and Ozzy are different from what we had with our other cats, but maybe that's a good thing--they are teaching us to accept change. Little kitty Zen masters.