Considering rehoming. Ideas, alternatives, help?

kosame

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Hi all. This post will be long and I apologize!
Posting here because I really need advice from some other cat people. My husband and I together have three cats, all bengals, all male, all neutered.
For some background, I adopted my first bengal, Mr. T, while we were still dating/living separately. At the time my sister had severe cat allergies but didn't react to bengals so I was thrilled to have found a cat that could live with me! Mr. T is a real sweetheart and was a year old when I got him. He was underweight and terrified but after some vet visits and TLC he really came out of his shell. After a while, I decided that Mr. T might enjoy having a buddy to play with, especially since I work full time. I now wish I had thought this through a little more but at the time my situation was perfect for it. So I got Remsy, my second bengal. They were fast friends. Remsy is the sort who gets along with everyone and cares very little about most things. Car rides? No problem. Hikes? He loves them. New people? Awesome.
It was great! Mr. T and Remsy entertained each other while I worked and when I got home we all snuggled and played.
My husband (boyfriend at the time, living separately) fell in love with my boys and, having never had a pet before, really wanted one of his own. Enter Finnegan, bengal number three. Finnegan, from the time my bf brought him home as a kitten, was a little different. He didn't have the outgoing nature of my boys, hated being held/petted and feared everything and everyone. My bf was ok with this and found other ways to bond with little Finnegan, like playtime. Finn would do this cute thing where he would sit on my bf's lap while he played video games. The two of them loved hanging out, but Finnegan never adjusted to me or any other family members aside from bf's mother.
Life happened and my bf and I got engaged (yay!). My family also decided to move so I found a small place that allowed pets. We started introducing our cats to each other slowly, since they would eventually live together. Finnegan and Remsy already knew and loved each other so that was a plus! Introducing Mr. T and Finn was. Really challenging. But eventually they were mostly ok with each other.
We got married and it was difficult finding a place that allowed three cats, but my landlady was fine with it so he just moved in with me. It's been a bit now and things have become very challenging.
Finn is a wreck. All the time. He is thankfully very healthy and eating well, but he is never happy. His eyes are always huge, he hisses if I touch him or approach him. He hates Mr. T most of the time (though they are on decent terms as they snuggle sometimes) and is always so scared. He pees all over everything when he gets scared or upset and it is so frustrating. My husband says that Finn is a shell of the cat he was when it was just the two of them. It's so sad. The poor guy is never at peace. He's miserable.
It doesn't help that our apartment is way too small for three bengals. Remsy has been upset as well recently and started peeing on things too (we did make sure there was not a health issue going on though we might visit the vet again to be sure).
I feel at a loss. My husband sat me down yesterday and asked if we could consider rehoming Finn, or possibly Finn and Remsy together since they are well bonded. Just the thought makes both of us want to cry but it's just becoming so difficult. Finn is always so miserable and it's becoming incredibly frustrating with all the pee everywhere.
It's hard to watch Finn so sad and scared all the time. My bf says he used to purr and be happy when it was just the two of them, and he thinks Finn would thrive in a calmer household with patient owners and more space to be himself. We both feel so inadequate for Finn and we have no idea how to help him. He's not getting what he needs with us. Our schedules have no stability and a one room apartment gives him no space to get away from Mr. T when he's frustrated. It's at a breaking point and I've noticed myself getting so frustrated with cats recently due to their anxiety and pee everywhere :( I adore them but I feel in over my head. I wish I had looked ahead back then, talked to my bf and just stuck with one cat. I feel so guilty for even letting it come to this. It was stupid of me to think three high energy cats could be ok in a space this small.
I don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice? I feel like an awful pet mom for even considering rehoming as an option and I don't even know how I would go about it but I don't know what else to do.
 

tarasgirl06

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Hi all. This post will be long and I apologize!
Posting here because I really need advice from some other cat people. My husband and I together have three cats, all bengals, all male, all neutered.
For some background, I adopted my first bengal, Mr. T, while we were still dating/living separately. At the time my sister had severe cat allergies but didn't react to bengals so I was thrilled to have found a cat that could live with me! Mr. T is a real sweetheart and was a year old when I got him. He was underweight and terrified but after some vet visits and TLC he really came out of his shell. After a while, I decided that Mr. T might enjoy having a buddy to play with, especially since I work full time. I now wish I had thought this through a little more but at the time my situation was perfect for it. So I got Remsy, my second bengal. They were fast friends. Remsy is the sort who gets along with everyone and cares very little about most things. Car rides? No problem. Hikes? He loves them. New people? Awesome.
It was great! Mr. T and Remsy entertained each other while I worked and when I got home we all snuggled and played.
My husband (boyfriend at the time, living separately) fell in love with my boys and, having never had a pet before, really wanted one of his own. Enter Finnegan, bengal number three. Finnegan, from the time my bf brought him home as a kitten, was a little different. He didn't have the outgoing nature of my boys, hated being held/petted and feared everything and everyone. My bf was ok with this and found other ways to bond with little Finnegan, like playtime. Finn would do this cute thing where he would sit on my bf's lap while he played video games. The two of them loved hanging out, but Finnegan never adjusted to me or any other family members aside from bf's mother.
Life happened and my bf and I got engaged (yay!). My family also decided to move so I found a small place that allowed pets. We started introducing our cats to each other slowly, since they would eventually live together. Finnegan and Remsy already knew and loved each other so that was a plus! Introducing Mr. T and Finn was. Really challenging. But eventually they were mostly ok with each other.
We got married and it was difficult finding a place that allowed three cats, but my landlady was fine with it so he just moved in with me. It's been a bit now and things have become very challenging.
Finn is a wreck. All the time. He is thankfully very healthy and eating well, but he is never happy. His eyes are always huge, he hisses if I touch him or approach him. He hates Mr. T most of the time (though they are on decent terms as they snuggle sometimes) and is always so scared. He pees all over everything when he gets scared or upset and it is so frustrating. My husband says that Finn is a shell of the cat he was when it was just the two of them. It's so sad. The poor guy is never at peace. He's miserable.
It doesn't help that our apartment is way too small for three bengals. Remsy has been upset as well recently and started peeing on things too (we did make sure there was not a health issue going on though we might visit the vet again to be sure).
I feel at a loss. My husband sat me down yesterday and asked if we could consider rehoming Finn, or possibly Finn and Remsy together since they are well bonded. Just the thought makes both of us want to cry but it's just becoming so difficult. Finn is always so miserable and it's becoming incredibly frustrating with all the pee everywhere.
It's hard to watch Finn so sad and scared all the time. My bf says he used to purr and be happy when it was just the two of them, and he thinks Finn would thrive in a calmer household with patient owners and more space to be himself. We both feel so inadequate for Finn and we have no idea how to help him. He's not getting what he needs with us. Our schedules have no stability and a one room apartment gives him no space to get away from Mr. T when he's frustrated. It's at a breaking point and I've noticed myself getting so frustrated with cats recently due to their anxiety and pee everywhere :( I adore them but I feel in over my head. I wish I had looked ahead back then, talked to my bf and just stuck with one cat. I feel so guilty for even letting it come to this. It was stupid of me to think three high energy cats could be ok in a space this small.
I don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice? I feel like an awful pet mom for even considering rehoming as an option and I don't even know how I would go about it but I don't know what else to do.
Hello @bengalkittymama and family, and welcome to TCS!
Seriously, I always advocate for the rescues rather than "purebred" cats. And seriously, I always advocate to do everything possible not to give a cat up; all the more so in these times of COVID, shelters being closed and the useless Surgeon General making spay/neuter "non-essential" along with prioritizing PPE for human-specific use.
That said, I strongly feel that your cats being "purebred" would stand a far better chance of finding loving permanent home(s) than "rescues" and it does sound like Finn IS miserable. People without regular schedules are less likely to have serene, calm, happy cats, too, because cats thrive on pattern and dislike upheaval, drastic change, and chaos.
BUT...you may want to look at some of the YouTube videos that "The Cat Daddy" (cat behaviorist Jackson Galaxy, also host of Animal Planet's "MY CAT FROM HELL" series, author/co-author of several excellent books, and social media influencer) has posted. He has worked with Bengals and Savannahs and knows them well. He is amazing at working with cats in difficult situations, and their people.
If you do decide that rehoming is the only or best alternative, I would strongly suggest contacting breed rescues in your area for Bengals. They would prioritize your cats and knowing the breed, work hard to find excellent homes for them.
Please keep us in the loop, okay? *And we love pix here at TCS. You might even want to work up profile(s) if you decide on rehoming, and posting them on TCS.*
 

suzeanna

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Have you tried medications for Finn and/or Remsy? There are many other people on this forum with other helpful advice and viewpoints, but I know that different anti-anxiety meds can help some cats adjust. My cat was on gabapentin and is on fluoxetine for other reasons (single cat, aggression issues), and the meds helped immensely. Could be worth trying before rehoming?

P.S. I think fluoxetine/Prozac also helps with problematic peeing.
 

fionasmom

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I agree that you are facing a difficult situation with the changes which have brought the three cats to this. I don't have much experience with purebred cats...in fact, let's make that no experience....so can't comment on Bengals. If it were me, I would try meds first. You might be opposed to that, but it would let you keep the cats if it worked. Maybe if one were more at ease, it would help the others...some odd combination of behaviors. If that does not sound right, I would try to contact Bengal breeders for assistance. If you decide to rehome, make sure to ask to be paid for the cats. No free to a good home because you are desperate.
 

Silver Crazy

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Hi @bengalkittymama You are really up against a rock and a hard place. My advice would be to rehome.
Once a Bengal male starts getting neurotic and not in a good environment they are very difficult to bring back to normal behavior.
they also bond very strongly to one person in the household and if that bond is being interrupted or they not getting the large amount of attention they require they will have problems. The one I have now when I adopted him it was a 50/50 chance if he didnt change his behavior I would have to put him down, thankfully he has turned into a wonderful cat after 2 years of constant work with him.
I dont want you to get anywhere near this situation with yours.
If you decide to rehome him make sure he goes to a home that is experienced in Bengals or a very experienced cat owner as a lot of time, patience and understanding will be needed.
Most places have people who specialise in Bengal cat rescues and they will be able to give you some good advice and help and maybe find a home for your cat.
Hope things work out for you and the boys.
 
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kosame

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Hey everyone!
First, I wanted to thank you all for your replies. It's been a while since I made this post and we have been managing. Finn has been back to the vet to confirm he's physically ok and that's not contributing to any of his issues. He got a clean bill of health.
I have been trying some new activities with the boys to help them feel more stable. I mentioned previously that we didn't have much of a set schedule before so I've been doing what I can to figure that out. The changes we've made seem to have helped Remsy and Mr. T and even though they didn't have many issues before, I can tell that they are a lot happier!
Finn, poor guy, has not changed or improved. He still is scared of everything. He lashes out when the other cats even walk near him (ignoring him). He has no peace. I can't remember the last time he was happy. We try to give him his own space as much as we can, and it seems like the only time he's able to calm down even a bit is when nobody (except sometimes my husband) is in the room with him. He still pees on things but we have taken measures to not give him access to his usual peeing spots and that has helped. Sometimes he gets so upset that he cries and throws up after he eats.
These are the options we are considering at the moment:
Trying to wait it out until we can buy a house with space for him to be alone most of the time. The issue with this is that it might be a few years and I don't know if that is fair to him.
Rehoming. My concern is that nobody will want a cat with his issues. If we go down this route, I will be very selective in which home. It would need to be a place with no other pets, no kids, a calm environment and lots of experience/willingness to work with him.
I've been doing a lot of research on cat behavior recently and I appreciate everyone's suggestions.
This is a photo of him. Isn't he stunning? I really don't want to rehome. He may not like me very much but he's my boy too.
 

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tarasgirl06

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Hey everyone!
First, I wanted to thank you all for your replies. It's been a while since I made this post and we have been managing. Finn has been back to the vet to confirm he's physically ok and that's not contributing to any of his issues. He got a clean bill of health.
I have been trying some new activities with the boys to help them feel more stable. I mentioned previously that we didn't have much of a set schedule before so I've been doing what I can to figure that out. The changes we've made seem to have helped Remsy and Mr. T and even though they didn't have many issues before, I can tell that they are a lot happier!
Finn, poor guy, has not changed or improved. He still is scared of everything. He lashes out when the other cats even walk near him (ignoring him). He has no peace. I can't remember the last time he was happy. We try to give him his own space as much as we can, and it seems like the only time he's able to calm down even a bit is when nobody (except sometimes my husband) is in the room with him. He still pees on things but we have taken measures to not give him access to his usual peeing spots and that has helped. Sometimes he gets so upset that he cries and throws up after he eats.
These are the options we are considering at the moment:
Trying to wait it out until we can buy a house with space for him to be alone most of the time. The issue with this is that it might be a few years and I don't know if that is fair to him.
Rehoming. My concern is that nobody will want a cat with his issues. If we go down this route, I will be very selective in which home. It would need to be a place with no other pets, no kids, a calm environment and lots of experience/willingness to work with him.
I've been doing a lot of research on cat behavior recently and I appreciate everyone's suggestions.
This is a photo of him. Isn't he stunning? I really don't want to rehome. He may not like me very much but he's my boy too.
He's very sweet-looking! I don't think he's throwing up because he's upset. That's just my opinion, however. Only HE truly knows. How long has he been with you? I usually suggest that time, love and patience will gain success; but only you can know what you feel is best. If you can find another suitable home with loving guardian(s) committed to adopting for life, yes, that might be an option; but you love him, so you might just want to give the situation more time.
Have you looked into breed-specific Bengal cat rescues?
 
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kosame

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He's very sweet-looking! I don't think he's throwing up because he's upset. That's just my opinion, however. Only HE truly knows. How long has he been with you? I usually suggest that time, love and patience will gain success; but only you can know what you feel is best. If you can find another suitable home with loving guardian(s) committed to adopting for life, yes, that might be an option; but you love him, so you might just want to give the situation more time.
Have you looked into breed-specific Bengal cat rescues?
Maybe I will bring him back to the vet! I did notice that he only throws up if something really upsets him, like a visitor coming over. But it is concerning and I want to make sure he's ok.
That's always been how I've done things, and I don't feel good about rehoming. But sometimes I feel like it's really unfair to keep him if he's so unhappy with us. He has been with us a couple years! For the first year and a half of his life, he just lived with my bf, and was happy! He is an odd little guy and needs lots of space/doesn't like being touched or interacted with. My bf is a very gentle person who was able to give him all the space he needed. We introduced him to my cats very slowly and things went really well until they started living together. Little over half a year he has been with both of us, since we are married now. His main issue is the fact that myself and my cats live with him now and he doesn't have him own space. It really stresses him out when my kitties want to play or sit with him, and he will lash out at them and Mr. T will always lash out right back :( . I am hoping if we are able to get a house a little sooner then maybe we can set up a space just for him, where he gets to choose all the interactions and he doesn't have to worry about my cats. He really would love to be an only cat again.
I have looked into bengal specific rescues and I would feel much better about that, since they would likely know more about the breed and how to find him a proper home!
 

tarasgirl06

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Maybe I will bring him back to the vet! I did notice that he only throws up if something really upsets him, like a visitor coming over. But it is concerning and I want to make sure he's ok.
That's always been how I've done things, and I don't feel good about rehoming. But sometimes I feel like it's really unfair to keep him if he's so unhappy with us. He has been with us a couple years! For the first year and a half of his life, he just lived with my bf, and was happy! He is an odd little guy and needs lots of space/doesn't like being touched or interacted with. My bf is a very gentle person who was able to give him all the space he needed. We introduced him to my cats very slowly and things went really well until they started living together. Little over half a year he has been with both of us, since we are married now. His main issue is the fact that myself and my cats live with him now and he doesn't have him own space. It really stresses him out when my kitties want to play or sit with him, and he will lash out at them and Mr. T will always lash out right back :( . I am hoping if we are able to get a house a little sooner then maybe we can set up a space just for him, where he gets to choose all the interactions and he doesn't have to worry about my cats. He really would love to be an only cat again.
I have looked into bengal specific rescues and I would feel much better about that, since they would likely know more about the breed and how to find him a proper home!
Experts say, and I agree, that if you can't build out, build up. Does he have some nice cat furniture he can climb on so he can get higher up and have his own space that way? Cat behaviorist Jackson Galaxy says cats are either ground dwellers, bush dwellers, or tree dwellers, harkening back to their origins; and a lot of cats who feel somehow insecure on the ground like to have private retreats up high, where they feel safe and can also observe what's going on around them. There are many sizes, prices and styles of cat furniture; your local "pet" supply store and such platforms as amazon offer many, or you can visit hauspanther.com to see some of the many more "stylish" kinds, available globally. Cats generally like to have their own little spaces anyway, even if they are social. Jackson's books and videos are excellent at describing and showing some of the many alternatives, in all styles, sizes, and budget needs. And cats love to have lots of windows to look out. Positioning pieces of cat furniture close to windows can give cats interesting "entertainment" that keeps them happy for hours!
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Silver Crazy

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@bengalkittymama
One thing to try is Dr Bach rescue remedy, there is a pet one that has no alcohol in it ..it has worked wonders in some cases.
One recent case is where 2 bengal males continually fighting each other..now they sleep and cuddle together.
You have a beautiful boy..sad you are having issues
 

fionasmom

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He is a beautiful little boy but you can see the wariness in his eyes. I agree with tarasgirl06 tarasgirl06 about trying to create an additional space he might feel safe in. This may not work for you, but as an example, we have a back bedroom where the previous owners removed a sliding closet door to create an alcove for filing cabinets but left the upper closet shelf. It is one of the most popular places in the house when anyone wants to be alone and have space to themselves. I put a large cat tree in front of it which allows easy access.
 

tarasgirl06

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He is a beautiful little boy but you can see the wariness in his eyes. I agree with tarasgirl06 tarasgirl06 about trying to create an additional space he might feel safe in. This may not work for you, but as an example, we have a back bedroom where the previous owners removed a sliding closet door to create an alcove for filing cabinets but left the upper closet shelf. It is one of the most popular places in the house when anyone wants to be alone and have space to themselves. I put a large cat tree in front of it which allows easy access.
A great idea! Even small spaces can be made cat-friendly. Cats are 1/10th or less our size, so places that seem small to us probably seem a lot larger to them. And since many, if not most, cats love to climb, it's pretty easy to build up.
 

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I agree that building up would be awesome, I was able to get a super tall cat tree on Ebay for less than $100 and my cat adores it.

Has your vet mentioned anything about medication? It can take a few weeks to build up and there may be increased anxiety during that time, but it can help - my dog takes anxiety medications and they've helped him a lot.
 
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