Cat scared of boyfriend - How to repair their relationship

dnellruhl

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So I previously posted about this issue but after thinking about it more I think she is for some reason afraid of my boyfriend who stays with me a couple nights every week.

Timeline of events:
  1. We started dating three months ago (I was living in a different apartment)
  2. They never experienced any issues, we stayed at each others apartments every few nights (we were together at my old apartment for about a month)
  3. I moved in April to a new apartment (my cat Whiz has moved almost every year with me)
  4. He moved home with his parents (who have 2 dogs and 2 cats) April 25
  5. He stayed with me a few nights every week in my new apartment since then with no issues
  6. The weekend of May 8th (two weeks after moving) he ran over her to grab something and it startled her and she attacked both him and me
    1. When she attacked me, she kept clawing my legs and I was bleeding so bad he came up to her and grabbed her down so that I could run to my room. He ran to my room and followed me and we stayed in there for a few hours. She was growling at the door the entire time.
  7. The next day we came out and she was on and off nice, she would come up and lay on our laps but one quick move (like going up to go to bathroom too fast) would cause her to attack again
  8. He left, and then she went back to completely normal, was with me nonstop, let me clip her paws, etc
  9. He came the next weekend and there were no issues, she slept with us and her behavior was great
  10. Now this weekend, he ran to the bathroom (ran past her) and this must have spooked her again and she attacked him and then me and was growling and seeking us out like pray
  11. We hid in my room for 3 hours but every time we would try and leave slowly out of the room shed run up and attack his, hissing and growling again
  12. This morning I made him stay in my room while I played with her all morning and she let me hold her, pet her, etc
  13. The second he left my room to go to the bathroom she ran up to him and attacked him and I kept still when he went back into my room so she came up to me and attacked me (she just got me once this time and sat there and stared at me while I kept still until she finally walked away ten minutes later)

I am now scared to have him at my apartment because I don't either one of us to continue getting hurt. I have tried pheromones but those obviously didn't help. My ex boyfriend and his dog lived with me for a while and she was fine with both of them and never once got aggressive like this with us.

I am hoping to find a way to make her like him again so that they can both feel comfortable around each other. She used to give him more attention than me and two nights ago slept the entire night on his lap. :(

Would leaving some of his clothes out with his scent out help her feel better? Or a voice recording of his voice? I am willing to try literally anything because they both mean a lot to me. My cat is like my child. <3 She was always the most friendly cat, always cuddling up to anyone who would visit, greeting people at the door, sitting on a strangers lap the second they're introduced. I am thinking maybe she got really scared when he held her down and so she's still on edge sometimes around him? But it is so random when she is provoked.


Thanks in advance!!
 

ArtNJ

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This makes sense. After the move, the cat was still significantly stressed when he startled her by going to grab something. When something stresses or scares a cat, it can lash out at an animal or person that is nearby even if they didn't cause the situation. This is called redirected aggression. Dropping a dish making a loud noise near the cat would be a common scenario. Here, where the cat was already stressed from the move, the bf rushing about was enough. This does not mean the cat hates the BF, redirected aggression leads cats to attack beloved owners and best cat friends.

Go to his place for your visits with each other for the next few days at least. When he comes over, he needs to focus on being chill & not rushing about for at least the next few times. When BF is chilling on the couch or the bed, whichever spot the cat is most comfortable with, he can lure the cat to him for petting with treats or a call noise. It shouldn't take any more than that. You might have occasional issues in the future, but hopefully this is a one time deal given that it started because the cat was stressed from the move. You'll have to be a little careful when you have loud contractors doing work and such, but hopefully it won't be a significant issue.

Here is a guide on redirected aggression to help:

Re-directed Aggression In Cats
 
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Mamanyt1953

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A ArtNJ covered most everything. He usually does.

He can also, if he will (this is a good boyfriend test), sit on the floor and talk gently to her, or read aloud to her. This presents him in a very non-threatening way, and reminds her that she really does like him.

However, for the next several weeks there should be a strict "NO RUSHING" rule. The only exceptions being fire or severe bleeding.
 
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dnellruhl

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pping a dish making a loud noise near the cat would be a common scenario. Here, where the cat was already stressed from the move, the bf rushing about was enough. This does not mean the cat hates the BF, redirected aggression leads cats to attack beloved owners and best cat friends.
This makes sense. After the move, the cat was still significantly stressed when he startled her by going to grab something. When something stresses or scares a cat, it can lash out at an animal or person that is nearby even if they didn't cause the situation. This is called redirected aggression. Dropping a dish making a loud noise near the cat would be a common scenario. Here, where the cat was already stressed from the move, the bf rushing about was enough. This does not mean the cat hates the BF, redirected aggression leads cats to attack beloved owners and best cat friends.

Go to his place for your visits with each other for the next few days at least. When he comes over, he needs to focus on being chill & not rushing about for at least the next few times. When BF is chilling on the couch or the bed, whichever spot the cat is most comfortable with, he can lure the cat to him for petting with treats or a call noise. It shouldn't take any more than that. You might have occasional issues in the future, but hopefully this is a one time deal given that it started because the cat was stressed from the move. You'll have to be a little careful when you have loud contractors doing work and such, but hopefully it won't be a significant issue.

Here is a guide on redirected aggression to help:

Re-directed Aggression In Cats
Thank you!! I am taking her into the vet once they open next week to triple check she's okay. He left yesterday and she's still acting a little strange but hasn't been aggressive since, so I am really feeling she's scared of him. Really appreciate all our help :)
 
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dnellruhl

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A ArtNJ covered most everything. He usually does.

He can also, if he will (this is a good boyfriend test), sit on the floor and talk gently to her, or read aloud to her. This presents him in a very non-threatening way, and reminds her that she really does like him.

However, for the next several weeks there should be a strict "NO RUSHING" rule. The only exceptions being fire or severe bleeding.
A ArtNJ has been helping me for like three days on this haha :)

Thats a great idea! The good boyfriend test, haha. I am going to have to have him try this a few times (and make sure he stops moving so damn quickly) haha

Thank you!!
 

ArtNJ

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Usually redirected aggression doesn't last very long unless it leads to another problem, like cats fighting with each other. The closed I see in your story to an independent problem is item 6, where the BF grabbed her so you could escape. I wouldn't think that would be too big a deal, but all cats are different. Anyway, when a cat forms a grudge because of something real (like say BF had stepped on tail) the remedy is pretty much the same anyway -- be calm and patient, don't force the cat to interact but you can try to coax or, as Mamanyt1953 Mamanyt1953 said, get as close to the cat as you can, maybe even get down on the floor, and show the cat you are calm and chill.

A lot of members have these kind of problems. They can start in all kinds of crazy ways. From seeing a cat out the window to everyday accidents that can happen in any home like dropping a dish somewhere in the vicinity of the cat. I actually want to find a scientific article and try to understand it better, but so far I haven't seen anything too scientific. I initially thought it was a cat specific brain flaw, but recently learned that it happens to other animals as well (although if you search for redirected aggression on google, its overwhelmingly cats that come up). Its so weird to me because it seems like evolution wouldn't allow this type of response to danger -- if there is a predator nearby, attacking your buddy is a bad thing. Well, not unless you want to cripple your buddy before you run away, so they are the one that gets eaten :mad:
 

Mamanyt1953

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A ArtNJ , that reminds me of the punchline of an old joke, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!"
 
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