Cat Aggression Towards Partner (me!)

[EuropaPlan]

Hello! I'll keep the intro brief to compensate for the rest! I'm desperate for some advice for what to do about my partners cat who becomes randomly aggressive towards me. I'm not a cat person myself and don't know where to turn but I'm increasingly desperate because of the strain this is putting on our relationship.

So here's the background:
My partner and I have been together for the best part of 10 years. For the past 3 years we have had a very unusual setup where we live in different countries. He is in the USA and I visit him for about a month at a time from the UK every few months. About 2 years ago he adopted a very young female cat, Maya, from an animal shelter. He adopted her at about 6 months, my understanding is that she had a bacterial infection as a kitten and was then abandonned (there really are some horrible people out there!!). Maya was neutered by the shelter before being adopted and she is now about 2 and a half years old. She is a house cat and stays in the apartment at all times.

For the first year everybody got on well. Just over a year ago however my partner moved to a new apartment and since being here I keep having a problem with Maya attacking me randomly while I'm visiting. During the first week or so that I am here (not necessarily the first day, this time it's 5 days after I arrived) she will aggressively attack me at least once, sometimes more. This always happens in the evening, after she's had her dinner but before we go to bed, it seems to be connected to my boyfriend going into the bathroom and possibly turning on the shower or closing the door. After he has gone into the bathroom she will come over to me sometimes calmly, sometimes charging right at me, and then puff up, start hissing and then start swiping at me and pursuing me across the apartment.

This happened most recently yesterday, 5 days after I arrived here. I had been throwing her silver ball for her and she had been happily chasing it while my boyfriend brushed his teeth but then as soon as he pushed the door and turned the shower on she came over looking innocent, started sniffing me and then puffed up and started hissing and then swiping at me.

We're at a loss for what's triggering this behaviour and therefore what we can do to prevent it happening, we are now keeping the bathroom door open as much as possible but I'm sure anyone can appreciate that's not a long term solution! Any insight or thoughts would be much appreciated. This has been happening on or off for a year now, my boyfriend is increasingly resigned to the fact that it's just something I have to prepare for and deal with but it's really frightening me and I don't want to spend the rest of her life constantly on edge and second guessing my every move.

Thanks for any input! Troublemaker photo attached

 

[rubysmama]

Hello and welcome to TCS. What a pretty cat. Sorry she has aggressive behaviour toward you.

Until some other members reply with suggestions, here are some TCS articles that might be helpful:

Cat Aggression Toward People
Re-directed Aggression In Cats

Is Your Cat Stressed Out?
You, Your Cat And Stress
Potential Stressors In Cats - The Ultimate Checklist
Six Surefire Strategies To Reduce Stress In Cats

Do Cats Get Jealous? (and What To Do About It When They Do)

14 Cat Experts Reveal: How To Get A Cat To Like Me

 

[Mamanyt1953]

OK...here is a guess, and just a guess. I'm thinking that you have been visiting the old apartment for some time before the kitten was adopted. She moved in, and your scent was already present...when you got there, you smelled like home to her. Now, since the move, you're scent didn't move with you. She set up her territory, and your scent was no part of it. In her eyes, you've become an interloper, and just might take resources she need for herself and any possible kittens (even if spayed, that instinct remains). I'm also thinking that she may be just generally under-socialized. Does your boyfriend have guests over often, and if so, how does the cat relate to them? Are we talking undersocialized and territorial, or just plain jealous? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Here's a thought...next time you visit, take a couple of cheap tee shirts with you and wear them often while there, or take several well-worn and unwashed tee shirts with you. Cut them into squares, about 12-12 inches, and tuck them in unseen places around the apartment. That will permeate the entire apartment with your scent, and as she adjusts to that, whether you are there or not there, your scent comes to also mean "home" to her.

 

[Wile]

Sounds like an odd form of redirected aggression... As a short term solution when this happens you could try flipping one of those plastic laundry baskets (the square ones with holes in the side) over her for about 15 minutes as a "time out" to help calm her down. Without knowing what is triggering the behaviour though it is hard to know how to approach the situation.

 

[EuropaPlan]

Thank you for the feedback, unfortunately it's figuring out the trigger that's the difficult part. It has happened again since my original post, both times there does seem to be a lot of sniffing me before the attack occurs. In my own research I am fairly certain it is either territorial or redirected, I just can't figure out which.

He has had visitors and people have come to look after the cat while we're away and she's always been a perfect angel but the thing is these people are only ever there for a couple of hours at a time in the middle of the day.

The idea about leaving some old clothing around sounds good. Each time I arrive I do already leave a few of my clothes around which she enjoys sitting on and I thought this might make her more comfortable with whatever my scent is. I haven't previously tried leaving any when I'm not here though, perhaps I could leave some for my partner to bring out in the weeks before I arrive.

I have already been trying to do the things listed in the many helpful articles, the article on cat aggression towards people is particularly insightful, thank you. I already avoid shouting or making sudden movements and I never approach her, I wait for her to approach me, I play with her and I even feed her in the evening but all that's only reduced the occurances rather than eliminated them.

We have a Felliway plug in which was suggested by the vet although I think it's actually labelled for 'cat on cat' aggression. We're skeptical that this is making any difference, does anyone have experience with these or can recommend something similar that might be more appropriate?

Thank you, I really do appreciate it!

 

[Ecoleman24]

Cats are very finicky creatures by nature and hypersensitive to change. Add that to the fact that they are very territorial and you can see why the kitty may be upset.

I suggest asking your local animal shelter employees for advice or looking into blogs that have a lot of information present on cat behavior like this one Why is my Cat so Mean?

Best of luck to you.

 

[Tobermory]

We have a Felliway plug in which was suggested by the vet although I think it's actually labelled for 'cat on cat' aggression. We're skeptical that this is making any difference, does anyone have experience with these or can recommend something similar that might be more appropriate?

There are two kinds of Feliway for diffusers, one for stress reduction (the original, labeled “Classic” now) and one for multicat households where there’s aggression among cats (labeled “Multicat”). You want the former. I’ve used both and they’ve helped my cats although I know it doesn’t work for everyone. Here are the descriptions from the Feliway website:

Feliway Classic: When comfortable and happy, cats mark their territory as familiar by rubbing their face against corners, furniture, people, or other cats at home. They leave an odorless message known as a feline facial pheromone. When present in the environment, these "happy messages" provide comfort and security to cats. By mimicking the natural feline reassuring messages, FELIWAY CLASSIC helps your cat happily adjust to pace of modern life.​

Feliway Multicat: Mother cats communicate with her kittens through natural messages released into the air. These "harmony messages" are called cat appeasing pheromones. They help maintain social bonds between cats of all ages. By mimicking these natural feline appeasing messages, FELIWAY MultiCat helps your cats live in harmony and avoid tension, conflict and fighting.​

Two more suggestions:

1. Get some of the Feliway spray and lightly mist your clothes before you’re around Maya. I do this when I’m volunteering at the animal sanctuary because one of the cats attacks me when he smells other cats on my clothing. He doesn’t do it when I’ve used the spray. It might work in your situation.
2. In addition to what others have suggested about leaving your scent in the apartment, on the flip side you might try wearing your partner’s t-shirts or sweats so you smell more like him!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I think maybe territorial. Maybe. But redirected is a distinct possibility, too. Which is no help at all. SIGH...if I had enough gas in the broom, I'd just fly out there and take a look at the situation! Wave my magic wand, and call it done. AND BOY DON'T I WISH EITHER OR BOTH OF THOSE WAS A REALITY!

Let's look at "redirected" first, simply because I can link you to a good article about it. Are there windows in the apartment that will allow Maya to see outside where there might be other street cats or dogs, that would trigger this? And she could be going for you because you are the most unfamiliar thing, and therefore a "reasonable" (in her furry little brain) target?

Re-directed Aggression In Cats

DO order the Feliway, and the Feliway spray! In my experience, it either doesn't do a thing, or it works VERY VERY well, and what do you have to lose here?

 

[EuropaPlan]

These are some good ideas thank you. I will check and get some more Feliway stuff. Maya has been sitting on my various clothes but now I really want to wash them but then I feel like washing and making them smell different might defeat the benefits of leaving them out!

On the subject of redirection she does have large windows across one end of the apartment, we're on the 14th floor so most of what she sees are birds and flies, there are no cats or dogs she can see at this height! She does get excited about flies but she seems to happily chase and swat at them and none of the attacks have ever happened after she's been looking out of the window. They have however happened (somtimes) shortly after she's been played with, particularly after rolling balls for her to chase, I don't think playing has pre-empted every incident however.

The only 1 universal characteristic I can think of is that all the attacks occur when I am alone with her and my partner is either out of sight or out of the apartment.

Is there any advice for what I should do immediately following or during her attack? As she puffs up and starts hissing are there any tips I could try to de-escalate the situation? At the moment the best I manage is to try and speak to her in a friendly tone and slowly edge away without making eye contact but this just results in her slowly pursuing me across the room until I manage to trap her or myself in the bedroom/bathroom and then my partner has to come home and calm us both down!

A magic wand would be great! haha

 

[leechi]

Can you put her in another room while your partner showers or goes out? With a litter box and water. Maybe avoid being alone with her until some of the other suggestions have time to help.

You can also trim her front claws which would make her less likely to harm you. She’d still be able to bite of course though.

I also wouldn’t suggest backing away from her if you can avoid it, as it reinforces that she can get you to leave her territory. Maybe keep a blanket nearby and toss it over her when she comes at you, or if you feel confident enough, pad yourself up with long sleeves/pants/gloves and don’t back down from her. With her claws trimmed there won’t be a ton she can do then, unless she’s a serious biter.

I don’t recommend being aggressive to her, just standing your ground.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

leechi makes a very good point about backing away. You do NOT want to look or act like prey around this little girl. Try to move fairly slowly, but confidently and without hesitation when moving away from her.

 

[Tobermory]

I don’t think it would hurt to wash those clothes. You’d be using your partner’s laundry soap, right? So it wouldn’t be a new or unfamiliar smell to her. It might make them smell even more like her usual surroundings! Maybe throw some of your partner’s stuff in there, too. Hmm. Maybe when you come to visit you should wear clothes that are already there and wash everything you’ve brought before you wear it. Just brainstorming here!

Others can tell me this isn’t a good idea, but again, just brainstorming: When she starts to stalk you, could you distract her by tossing a toy or trying to get her interested in chasing a wand-type
toy? If she goes for it you don’t want to overstimulate her by playing too much, but it might defuse the situation.

 

[Hellenww]

I had a cat that was very bonded with me. When I'd go away she'd get very nervous. We made a recording of my voice that my partner would play for her a few times a day. It helped.

Since the attacks are happening when she can't see your partner I wonder if it has more to do with that than you. You were there when she was young -- you keep leaving --- she can't see her main human -- smells the smell of leaving -- you get attacked. Try making a recording and have it ready to play when she starts to get nervous. If it works give her a treat and encouragement.

 

[EuropaPlan]

Fortunately we live in a large apartment complex and so when my partner goes out I now go out too so Maya has lots of time to herself during the day and now minimal time alone with me. We are working on me slowly coming home for an hour or so alone to try and reintroduce myself but this is as much for me as it is for her.

I have been able to shut myself in the bedroom to keep us apart but this isn't perfect as I have to leave the bedroom to go to the bathroom.

Unfortunately I always seem to have shorts and no socks on when the attacks kicks off and she immediately goes for my legs! I try talking to her but with each swipe she makes I take 1 step back, she takes 1 step forward and we repeat, it's a slow movement. I have now stuck to wearing jeans, socks, long sleeves and even shoes as much as possible around her. You can imagine what fun that is when its 30+ degrees outside! If I'm able to reach a toy or a cushion I have thrown it to distract her for a few seconds but she always comes back hissing, my partner is sometimes able to diffuse her attacks by playing with a wand toy but generally speaking Maya is not as interested in playing with me.

Is there a particular body language or something I should do to stand my ground? To be honest I don't think I have the confidence to be able to do it now but you never know. Currently when she starts hissing and swiping I try to talk to her by repeating her name calmly in a high sort of pitch. Is this correct? My understanding is that if I shout, make a lot of movement or speak in a low pitch this is likely to be interpretted as an attack and make her worse?

I hadn't thought of recording my partners voice, I'll give this a try when she's in a happy mood and see if she responds to it.

I think the point about the clothes might be right too the attacks do all occur before I've washed any of my clothes here, when I'm still wearing things I washed at home. During this trip I have actually found myself feeling more nervous wearing the things I washed at my place, she goes to sniff them and it makes me nervous. By this point (I'm in week 3 now, last attack was start of week 2) everything has now been washed here with the same detergent my partner uses and she doesn't seem as interested in sniffing everything. I think going forward I might just bring unwashed clothes and wash them all here...partner will love that...

Thank you once again for all the input, apologies for the delay in responding

 

[Tobermory]

By this point (I'm in week 3 now, last attack was start of week 2) everything has now been washed here with the same detergent my partner uses and she doesn't seem as interested in sniffing everything. I think going forward I might just bring unwashed clothes and wash them all here...partner will love that...

Getting better, maybe? I hope so! So...leave clothes at partner’s and slip them on as soon as you arrive and immediately wash everything you’ve brought. You might also take a shower as soon as you arrive, using your partner’s soap and shampoo. A pain, I know, but you’re trying to smell as much as possible like Maya’s territory!

Did you have a chance to try the Feliway spray?

I had forgotten until I read your post, but this same problem happened many years ago with my parents’ cat, Emily. She suddenly started exhibiting the same behavior toward my mother that you’re describing. I don’t remember what, if anything, my parents tried, but it suddenly stopped and Emily never did it again. Not helpful to you but only to say that Maya is not the only cat who has done this! Such complex creatures.

 

[EuropaPlan]

Well we made it to week 4 without an incident since week 2 so I guess that's progress. We used the Feliway plugin, still not certain it's making a difference but on the other hand we've gone 2 weeks without a major issue so maybe it is helping.

I like to think perhaps something in the future will end this behaviour for good. As for now I return to the UK tomorrow, I think I'll be returning again around Christmas ready to try washing all the clothes and following the other advice to see if we can have a happier and less hissy visit. Hopefully we somehow manage to get on top of this, otherwise I may be back posting again in December!

Thank you all again, oh and here is a final photo to end this post: Maya sharing her scent with the clothes.

 

[Tobermory]

Well we made it to week 4 without an incident since week 2 so I guess that's progress. We used the Feliway plugin, still not certain it's making a difference but on the other hand we've gone 2 weeks without a major issue so maybe it is helping.

I like to think perhaps something in the future will end this behaviour for good. As for now I return to the UK tomorrow, I think I'll be returning again around Christmas ready to try washing all the clothes and following the other advice to see if we can have a happier and less hissy visit. Hopefully we somehow manage to get on top of this, otherwise I may be back posting again in December!

Thank you all again, oh and here is a final photo to end this post: Maya sharing her scent with the clothes.

View attachment 253372

I’m glad things have improved. Maya is beautiful.

We’re here for you anytime! Travel safely.

 

[rubysmama]

Maya is really beautiful. Glad things have improved over the past 2 weeks. Hopefully it'll still be good when you get back. Could you maybe leave some of your clothing so she might recognize your scent when you return.