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Becoming Distraught Over Relationship Between Wife And Cat.

Discussion in 'Grooming & General Cat Care' started by acatlovinguy, Jan 12, 2018.

  1. ArchyCat

    ArchyCat TCS Member Alpha Cat

    Nov 22, 2017
    I would be very concerned about your wife's failure to control her temper. First, I would suggest you rehome your cat. Any pet/domestic animal deserves better treatment. Second, I would suggest therapy for your wife. I hope things go better for you.
    maggiedemi purraised this.

  2. Gizmobius

    Gizmobius TCS Member Adult Cat

    Dec 4, 2016
    Rehome the cat or do exactly what she says and pick the cat over her and then find another wife. I'm not trying to be funny in saying that but anybody who resorts to animal cruelty isn't a good person and it likely doesn't stop at just animal cruelty.
    lalagimp, FordChick, kate187 and 5 others purraised this.

  3. ArchyCat

    ArchyCat TCS Member Alpha Cat

    Nov 22, 2017
    @Gizmobius -- Thank you for saying what I too, was thinking.
    FordChick, Gizmobius, Ms.Lovemycats and 2 others purraised this.

  4. mightyboosh

    mightyboosh TCS Member Top Cat

    Jul 19, 2017
    Burnley, UK
    Of course you're right. If you were referring to anything I said, I didn't mean it that way.
    PushPurrCatPaws and maggiedemi purraised this.

  5. Katie M

    Katie M TCS Member Super Cat

    Jun 1, 2017
    Kingwood, WV
    Rehome, never get another pet, and get her into anger management. She could go after you next.
    maggiedemi and Furballsmom purraised this.

  6. Sarthur2

    Sarthur2 Cat lady extraordinaire Staff Member Advisor

    Mar 8, 2015
    Sunny Florida

    By allowing your wife to continue abusing the cat, you are enabling her behavior. Her behavior is not your fault, but allowing her to abuse the cat and dominate you is extremely unhealthy - in fact it is sick. Her remorse does not change that fact.

    Your wife needs help. The cat needs a new home, and you need to leave your wife in order to force her to change - or not. You also need to take stock of why you would put up with this.

    Do you have a plan now for your cat and yourself?
    lalagimp, FordChick, PushPurrCatPaws and 5 others purraised this.

  7. SkiaEsh

    SkiaEsh TCS Member Kitten

    Jan 2, 2018
    I agree with other posters; she is abusive toward the cat. I don't know if she has had a dog or horse and this is how she disciplined it/them, but I would consider it abusive even with those types of animals in most cases. Just because an animal responds to a training method does not make it a good training method.

    I also agree she should go to counseling. She may never become violent toward people, but she is being manipulative, intentionally or not, toward you by claiming she will stop hitting the cat and then doing it again. That issue needs to be dealt with even if you rehome or find a no-kill shelter for the cat.

    Also, if she refuses to go to counseling, you may need to question you relationship, particularly if you ever plan to get another pet or have kids. Its obvious she currently can't control her anger issues around animals, but it is possible she could be the same with her kids. My father was in psychology and told me once some people only took their anger out on those who could not complain or who were perceived as helpless (i.e. animals, kids, elderly, etc.). It would explain her extreme violence and controlling behavior toward the cat, but lack of it toward adult humans.

  8. lavishsqualor

    lavishsqualor TCS Member Top Cat

    Apr 27, 2015
    I will confess that I didn't read your entire post because what I did read was too upsetting. Regardless, it's clear to me that your wife is beating your cat and you are complicit in those actions.

    I've lived with the same person for more years than I can count and I love him dearly. Even so, if he did what you're describing ONCE that would be it.

    I would honest to god divorce him.

    Your wife needs psychiatric help and you do too because you're enabling her. Please rehome the cat and then seek that help.
    lalagimp, Ms.Lovemycats, FordChick and 6 others purraised this.

  9. dustydiamond1

    dustydiamond1 Minion to Gypsy since October 2016 Top Cat

    Jan 24, 2017
    Central Illinois, USA
    :2cents: Of course she isn't violent to someone who could respond to her in like kind IE: smacking her back!!! You should be ashamed to put up with such a hateful *itch who mistreats your poor cat. Get it away from her ASAP and if you have sense you will either go with him or boot her butt out & you and the cat stay put!

  10. dustydiamond1

    dustydiamond1 Minion to Gypsy since October 2016 Top Cat

    Jan 24, 2017
    Central Illinois, USA
    Furballsmom purraised this.

  11. orange&white

    orange&white TCS Member Top Cat

    Aug 22, 2008
    Rehome the cat. Do Not have any other pets or human children with this woman. :headshake:

    God bless you for loving her, but you need to get her into anger management therapy.

  12. Mer.kitten

    Mer.kitten TCS Member Alpha Cat

    Oct 10, 2017
    i dont understand how you can witness this behaviour over and over and not do anything. and no, "asking her to stop" isnt doing something. get between her and the cat. tell her if she hurts it ONE more time youll eithercall the police or divorce her. YOU HAVE POWER HERE, power to save this cat from a life of absolute misery-why arent you using it, beyond coming on a forum and saying its killing you? its obviously not killing you that much or youd have done something by now.

    i cld see if this JUST started like a week ago, or u just became aware of it, but this cat has been living a life of abuse and misery for a while now.

    youre asking for help. my advice-rehome the cat. PLEASE. TODAY. Please dont let her hurt him anymore. hes just a small animal, shes huge in his eyes, he must be so scared and hurt when she hits and kicks him. please, please just get him to safety.

    lastly... my bf is my absolute world. id be lost without him. but if he EVER hurt an animal in my presence, he'd be gone. she's showing you who she is as a person. you want to be with someone lime that?

    also, "go to his bed" right after the litterbox? its a cat-they dont work that way. she sounds really weird honestly, and like she may have mental issues.

    note to self: theres a reason you dont read these threads, whyyy did you click this?

    now im going to spend the night worried aboug and sad for your kitty.

    please do the right thing and save him from her.

    Furballsmom, dustydiamond1, ArchyCat and 2 others purraised this.

  13. Norachan

    Norachan Moderator Staff Member Moderator

    May 27, 2013
    Mount Fuji, Japan
    So, your wife abuses a small disabled animal because he doesn't understand English perfectly and doesn't always do exactly what he is told to do?

    I'm sorry, I really can't comprehend why you tolerate this kind of behaviour. What will you allow to happen before you do something to protect this cat? Are you waiting for her to permanently maim or even kill him? If she does this in front of you I dread to think what the poor thing has to deal with when you are out.

    You adopted the cat together. You are just as responsible for his safety and well being as she is. If you allow him to remain in a place where he is being abused you are no better than the abuser.

    Find a friend you can stay with, a hotel that allows pets, a cheap apartment you can both stay in for a while. Take the cat and leave the wife. She doesn't deserve you or him.
    kat0121, misterwhiskers, Furballsmom and 9 others purraised this.

  14. Mer.kitten

    Mer.kitten TCS Member Alpha Cat

    Oct 10, 2017
    YOU have the power to CHOOSE to be there. to be with her. whatever your reasons youre a grown adult, and its up to you what you do...

    but the cat doesnt have that power. the cat cant get itself to safety. its relying on YOU for that. please dont let it down anymore. please get it to safety. whether you choose to stay with her after that is your business. just please get the cat to safety.
    Furballsmom, dustydiamond1, ArchyCat and 4 others purraised this.

  15. Ceracera

    Ceracera TCS Member Adult Cat

    Aug 12, 2017
    Anyone who repeatedly tells you to get rid of a cat, then calls you and asks you to bring it back when you're at the shelter, has serious issues.

    Your wife needs a psychiatrist. You need to stop enabling. Your cat needs a new home.
    lalagimp, FordChick, misterwhiskers and 4 others purraised this.

  16. dustydiamond1

    dustydiamond1 Minion to Gypsy since October 2016 Top Cat

    Jan 24, 2017
    Central Illinois, USA
    Or the house.
    ArchyCat and Furballsmom purraised this.

  17. misterwhiskers

    misterwhiskers TCS Member Top Cat

    Dec 7, 2014
    Rehome the cat or you’re just as guilty of animal abuse as she is. To be frank, I actually suggest leaving your wife and taking the cat with you, and I’m not joking, either.
    ArchyCat, kate187 and Mer.kitten purraised this.

  18. acatlovinguy

    acatlovinguy Thread Starter TCS Member Kitten

    Jan 12, 2018
    Hi everyone.
    I just wanted to provide you with an update. Thanks for all your support here as I was able to use it as a frame for a discussion. The fight we had which spurred me to discuss the issue here was one of the worst we have ever had as a couple.

    I sat in a Starbucks, and over the course of an hour, wrote down everything I was feeling about what she was doing to the cat and sent it to her. It allowed me to say things that were clear, without emotion and without any way to turn back on them. I told her, quite firmly, that she was an animal abuser.

    I got home and we argued some more but we started to talk about the problem deeper than I had expected. Very long story short, I am prepared to give the cat a new home. I have been in contact with a rehoming service who is currently looking at option. I have told my wife this and that I will be rehoming him for both their sakes if she ever hurts him again.

    Since then, she has been reading lots of topics on proper pet care and I see an immediate change in her, both in terms of her behavior and her patience with the cat. She read both articles listed here too and sees alot of herself in the don't categories. If that lasts, then fantastic, but if it does not, I am now very happy to give him a better home. Prior to coming here, it made me upset to given him away but now I know it will be for the best. As many of you said, I am just as much at fault for this as I never stood up to it. Now I have taken it into my own hands.

    The one thing that my wife said, in a moment of honesty, is that she loves him but regrets getting him. Having the cat in the house brought out some issues with tidiness and cleanliness - using the toilet and then going on furniture for example. She never thought about that when getting him and she has bottled up alot of hatred when she sees it. We identified that this was the single biggest part of her anger - the idea of faeces being "spread" around the house, onto food counters and onto furniture. We are working together to reduce points of stress for both of them so that the chances of any conflict are greatly reduced or eliminated. She wants to work at this and I have to give her the chance to do it.

    As I type this, I can hear her in the other room positively rewarding good behavior. Again, thanks for the help everyone. I know the majority of you were hoping that my next message would be that the cat is rehomed, but I faith in my wife to make the changes that SHE needs to make.

    I will keep you posted.

  19. maggiedemi

    maggiedemi TCS Member Top Cat

    Mar 26, 2017
    Thank you, I'm so glad he won't have to go through that anymore. Are you using clumping litter? Maybe you can explain to your wife that if you keep the litter really deep, at least 3 inches, then the litter stays clean, all the poop, pee, and germs are scooped out, that's the way it was designed to work, to be a cleaner solution. You add back more fresh litter once a day to keep it the same level. So their feet are only touching clean litter, it shouldn't spread too many germs.
    Furballsmom, orange&white and acatlovinguy purraised this.

  20. Zozo88

    Zozo88 TCS Member Kitten

    Jan 15, 2018
    To me this doesn't just sound like abuse of an animal but also she is abusing your position as her husband. I believe your wife needs some form of counselling and you also need to take authority as the husband without violence but you cannot allow her to bully you. She is manipulating by causing bad behaviour and then putting on the water works. That's what children do to each other. You need to seek help for yourself and how to deal with this but first get the cat out. He is a cat not your child and by you not giving him away you are neither treating him like u would a child cos trust me u would stand up for your child and remove them and yourself. She sounds dangerous.

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