Baby shower -attend or not

[gailc]

My husband comes from a large family-7 siblings and 17 nephews and nieces.  Understandably many weddings and children so many wedding and baby showers.

We of course did not have any children.

We also live the farthest away from the others.

So a niece is coming from texas to have were baby shower from her parents side of the family.  Her mother had a severe stroke in 2007 and passed away summer of 2010.  So I think her sister and her mom's two remaining sister's are putting on the shower.

The shower is about 60 miles away from my house.  And the key if I had to rank the nieces she would be on the bottom of the list.  I think back to her wedding in 2009 and I don't even think she spoke to me or my husband other than the receiving line at the church.  She is very full of herself (as well as her husband)..  Her parent went into debt to send her to a very good college but she didn't apply herself very well and got very poor grades despite the fact she graduated at the top of her class in high school.

I think you may get that I don't not care for her very much.  In fact I don't even want to attend her baby shower.  I looked at all the items she registered for and shook my head for all the expensive items on her list.  Her husband does have a pretty good job and I have a feeling she will quit her job once the baby is born.

I in fact wanted to for a gift donate baby items to either the local domestic abuse shelter or the homeless shelter.  I mentioned this to one of her aunts (my SIL) and she wasn't sure of that!

So do I drive over 2 hours to attend a two hour shower (also being an aunt is also expected to bring a dish of food to pass!).

Just send a gift card from one of her places she registered (or my idea)?

If we had typical winter weather sunday and it snowed I would have an out for sure.  Or maybe a sudden cold coming on.....

 

[3catsn1dog]

If you feel like you should send something then just a nice card with a g.c. is good enough.

If I were your niece, I would not expect someone sixty miles away to drive all that way and back for a baby shower. But thats me and I am not even having a shower of my own.

 

[kookycats]

Based on your description of your niece and the circumstances I would not drive 60 miles for somebody who wouldn't even appreciate it.   I would just send a gift, not necessarily a very expensive one from her list, with a nice note.     And maybe if you're lucky you'll  have  a snowstorm that day!

Let her just be happy with what you give her, and if she's not - who cares?

 

[rafm]

I'd send a gc and be done with it. 

 

[pushylady]

Based on your description of your niece and the circumstances I would not drive 60 miles for somebody who wouldn't even appreciate it.   I would just send a gift, not necessarily a very expensive one from her list, with a nice note.     And maybe if you're lucky you'll  have  a snowstorm that day!
Let her just be happy with what you give her, and if she's not - who cares?

She should be grateful for it too, though from the sound of it she won't be.

 

[gailc]

can't remember if we got a thank you card from her wedding.

 

[pushylady]

I really don't think you need excuses or to feel guilty about not attending. Sounds like she's very ungrateful and over-entitled and you owe her nothing.

 

[catbehaviors]

Just don't go. I can't imagine anyone who would drive 60 miles to a baby shower.

 

[speakhandsforme]

I wouldn't go either. It sounds like she wouldn't even miss you anyway, so spare yourself the trouble.

 

[natalie_ca]

I find that showers are more about money/gift grabs than spending time with family /friend celebrating.

If you aren't close to this neice, no need for you to attend or buy something.

My rule of thumb:

1. Close family or friend;

2. First wedding or baby of the above.

I don't believe in having showers for every baby a couple has. That just amounts to greed.  When first starting to have babies, you pretty much have nothing. By the time baby #2 or #3 make their appearance the parents should already have the crib, change table and a gazillon clothes in a variety of sizes for the baby to wear and grow into.

First weddings get gifts. Second weddings get the gift of my presence at their wedding, along with a card of congratulations. No presents.

 

[speakhandsforme]

Jeez, I never even thought about what a second wedding would entail.

My mom's second wedding to my stepdad was outside the courthouse, in front of the lovely fountain they have there. We celebrated afterwards by going to Olive Garden. :lol3:

 

[MoochNNoodles]

I had family come that far for my baby shower; and some family friends that came much farther.  But that being said; I hope they all know I APPRECIATE that they came and certainly would never have expected it.  I do think a gift card is more than appropriate under the circumstances.  Esp if she is so ungrateful.  I do find it rude that they want you to come 2 hours and bring food.  I will say that the shower that was thrown for me was so big (about 40 people) that it was overwhelming.  I enjoyed it; but I also felt like I had to skip between people to try to talk to everyone.  Most of the guests were ladies from my church but there was also a few family members and my MIL came from 9 hours away.  I certainly appreciated all the gifts (I still say I've never seen so much pink in my entire life...) it was also overwhelming.  But everything and then some got used.  I was exhausted and sore after it all.  The blessing/curse of having a large but loving family and extended family.

Slightly OT: I did not expect a shower for baby #2; but there is one being planned for me.  In my church that is pretty typical.  We celebrate babies from the first to the 6th or whatever.  Sure I don't need big stuff; but I am overwhelmed at the things I need to replace.  I've found what I thought of as baby needs and what I used and needed once I became a parent were quite different!  Heck what I thought life would be like period is different!  There were vere few things I didn't use and use a lot.  Be it crazy swaddle blankets (a 5 month old who loves to be swaddled is NOT going to fit into a receiving blanket!) or the bouncy seat, swing, etc.  My friends and I pass clothing and gear around.  That helps a lot.  Even if this new baby was a girl I'd be looking at replacing a lot of clothing because this one is supposed to be a May baby, not January.  Even many plain white onesies need replacing because they got a lot of use and have worn holes in them already.  I gave all my girl stuff to my neighbor who just had a girl.  They gave me a huge box of boy clothing!  So having said all that; yes there is a registry for my new baby.  Most of it is smaller stuff though.  The big stuff that needs replacing will be replaced by DH and I.  Some things DD still uses, like her monitor and her crib.  But all that little stuff adds up too.  I know it's not the "traditional" way of doing things; but maybe because it's been the standard for us it doesn't bother me.  The changing of times maybe?  It seems so common for people to have big age gaps between kids now, plus so many find out their baby's gender that most baby clothing beyond newborn sizes is not neutral.  I love getting the chance to get some cute things for my friends when they have babies.  I've never felt obligated to buy anyone a gift for their baby though.  Even when people register for their wedding stuff at stores I don't normally shop; I can usually find something in my price range.  Or I can send a gift card.  I don't stress.  I do it because I love them and I enjoy it.  I guess I don't have many people that level of ungrateful around me. 

 

[swampwitch]

Your attendance at the shower is not mandatory, so you don't need to go.  If someone doesn't want to be at a baby shower, I can't imagine that they would have much fun, other guests and family can sense if someone is there unhappily and out of obligation. 

You should send a gift, though, of your choosing, you don't need to ask if it's good enough - it's a gift.

 

[AbbysMom]

I think sending a gift or gift card would be more than sufficient.

 

[tara g]

I'd send a gift card or some gift from the registry and that be it. Certainly wouldn't drive 60 miles each way for it.

 

[gailc]

Thanks for the input. My husband's side of the family can put a lot of unsaid pressure to attend all these showers.  Plus I may have to work for a few hours on Sunday morning (Crossing fingers).

 

[pollyanna]

How did that end...did you go?

I thought I did reply to this thread, but it seems I didn't. I blame  my very slow, often not responding computer.  I often manage to read a thread, but then it takes ages to try to reply, so I plan to do it  later....

I would not have gone, the distance is too much, especially as you are not close.

We don´t have baby shower (I really would have like to have one, it seem so much fun!), so I don´t know the rules that apply. Are you expected to send a gift if you do not attend, or is a card enough, or even an "Im sorry, I won´t be able to attend" and that's it?

How about after the baby is born, do poeple come for a visit bringing a gift, or sending one,  or is all the baby gift giving done in the baby shower?

Here  many people  come for a visit after the baby is born, especially the first weeks/months, not many at the time, just one or two, for a afternoon visit to have a look at the new baby and bring a gift. Some also send gifts.

When I had my first child, I had quite some people visiting and quite some gifts send to me form abroad or from my parents neighbours or coworkers, that  typically would not visit. But  that was just  with the first child. When I had my second child, only closest friends and relatives would visit or send gifts.