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Artie: Two Months

Discussion in 'The Cat Lounge' started by artiemom, Jul 23, 2018.

  1. artiemom

    artiemom Thread Starter Artie, my Angel; a part of my heart Top Cat

    6,647
    7,437
    Dec 22, 2014
    near Boston
    As I type this, it is exactly 2 months, to the minute that I last held Artie.

    Sometimes, the time elapsed feels so much longer...

    I wanted to give an update to anyone who is interested, about what has been happening...and to mostly kind of get some things out.

    Artie's leaving really hit me hard. I knew it would. In many ways, it felt worse than when my parents died. Artie was like my friend/companion/love/clown.

    It seems that I am ok, until I mention or type his name. I am doing better. This is a kind of emotional week for me: Sunday, my mom's anniversary, Today is 2 months for Artie and 6 years since I broke my arm, Friday is my parents wedding anniversary... lots of memories being stirred up this week.
    Please indulge me...my own self-pity party.

    I am doing much better. I really am.

    There was a time where I was finding Artie's sponge balls, appearing out of nowhere.. just coming out from hidden places, as I was cleaning.. places I had previous cleaned, several times.. they just came out..

    I am saving them. I do not know if you believe in signs-- but I do..

    Many tears have been shed. Helplessness, guilt kicked in.. This is all normal grieving. I realize it...

    Feelings of loneliness, tons of time on my hands--- feelings of, "What do I do now?"

    I made several trips to PetSmart. The employees still remember me from when I was volunteering. They opened up the adoption area for me. I just needed some Kitty-love, scratches, etc..

    Did it make me feel better or worse?? I do not know.. But after finding Artie's hot pink, large terrycloth sponge ball, I knew signs were around.

    I had to stop feeling this despair.. stop crying every time I said or heard his name, or finding a piece of litter or some fur....

    My printer which is older, had suddenly stopped working just before Artie's last episode.
    I could not print anything. I desperately wanted to print some pictures. I even bought some picture paper, and was looking into buying a new printer.

    Suddenly, "Something" told me to try printing; low and behold, the printer was suddenly fixed!!
    What happened to it, I will never know.. but it was suddenly working.. Was this another Artie sign??

    I have a picture of Artie in every room, except the kitchen, and bathrooms.

    I also decided, that I have too much free time on my hands. The logical solution: Go back to Volunteering at the Humane Society. I was told by the President and an adoption person that perhaps it was too early... but, NO-- I wanted to go back and be around kitties--- yes, smelling poop, and pee...crazy me..

    I did a couple of 'pick-up' shifts... Then I was asked if I wanted a permanent shift, every other Sunday, last shift, afternoon, feeding, cleaning, and of course, allowing people to see the cats and fill out applications. Again, they felt it may be a bit early, but it was completely up to me..

    I thought about it for a day.. was this Artie's work, also????

    Of course, I took it. Yesterday, (Sunday) was my first official permanent shift.

    I still automatically wash my clothes when I step inside the door to my apartment, and jump in the shower... but, I am there...

    It seems as if every week, I am falling in love with another kitty... I have to hold myself back.. there is always something nagging at me, not to take that one home; one reason or another.. but I do fall in love with one per week.

    People keep telling me it is too soon to think about another cat..

    Around 10 days ago, I decided, very strongly, in my heart, that I WILL adopt again..It was very strange how this feeling came to me.. I deeply & completely felt it in my heart and soul. It was a very bizarre way of having this feeling happen to me.

    I just have to find the 'right' kitty.. I do not know how or when that will be, but people tell me I will know..
    All I know is that I am really missing kitty-love... even at the shelter. I do get emotionally carried away, forgetting that I am not dealing with Artie.. I pet them too much, do not take their warning signs. I have been scratched, and nipped. I am just over anxious for kitty-love.

    Whenever I re-adopt, I will be starting from scratch. I have given away all of Artie's things. Financially, it was not a wise decision, but emotionally, I felt it was the best. I could not deal with seeing Artie's things all around.
    So I have to be certain about the kitty.

    I was asked if I wanted to foster. I will not. I will be a foster-fail. I cannot even deal with another "known" sick cat.. no... and kittens may be a bit much for me..
    Thinking about 2-3 or up to 5 years old. and no know issues....

    I feel so bad for the seniors, yet, financially, I cannot afford their care. After Artie, I know how expensive it is.. volunteering is a way of kind of helping them.. giving them love.

    A week ago, when I walked into PetSmart, I almost hit the floor. There was a cat, almost a carbon copy of Artie.. my heart dropped.. talking up a storm to me.. He is a cream version of Artie's coloring, only 2 years old... but, he has a heart murmur. No, I cannot go that route. Yet, he was so loving.. he allowed me to pick him up, put him on my shoulder and kiss him.. from the street to that.. such a loving cat.., very tempted.., but a know pretty severe heart murmur...
    sigh...
    Well, he has a ton of interest in him.. He started to get a bit cranky with me... and bit me..I think he was telling me he/ARtie did not want to come home with me....He had an echo the other day: do not have the results, but heard he has a severe murmur and cardiomyopathy (enlarged heart)... My heart dropped..

    I seriously thought no one would adopt him, with all these issues. My heart was going in the direction of me fostering him, IF I could get some help, financially with his medical care...
    But, There is one couple who do not care. They love him. They want him, cardiac history and all.. He is going home today... I think that is a really nice testament to how it was not to be, for me... He may not have a long life, but he will have a family, a sister cat, and a mom and dad....

    See, I keep looking and yet, good things happen...I have to keep my spirits up...

    The good thing about volunteering, is that, if/when Myself & ARTIE decide on a new kitty for me, I can just take them home.. no screening, no adoption fee... just waiting for someone to share my love with...

    I have friends who do who say I should wait longer.. that it took too much of a toll on me, that I cannot afford it financially.. because I am really hurting right now... and do need to move, next year. That it will make things harder for me... but, in my heart, I know having another kitty is what I need.

    Anyway, I wanted to let anyone who was interested know what I have been up to.

    I read this website at least once if not 2-3 times a day. I am refraining from reading a ton of sick kitty threads.. especially IBD and Megacolon. I cannot relive... but I am starting to re-post a bit.. I feel rusty, and as if my mind is blocking a lot out... but..it is a defense mechanism..

    I just have to work things out...

    I am seriously doing ok.. hanging around the apartment a lot... reading a lot of books.
    cleaning a lot.. slowly purging some things. I miss Artie, because he would be right there with me, helping.. but, I am surviving.. I am ok.. really..

    thank you so much, if you have gotten through this novel of self-pity...

    I will leave you with a picture of my Lovebug:

    IMG_0232.JPG
     
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  2. nansiludie

    nansiludie TCS Member Top Cat

    2,171
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    Mar 14, 2014
    You're doing the best you can and that's all anyone can do. I do think Artie has sent you signs, he'll always be with you, love is not something can be taken away or lost. You will know when Artie sends you or approves of the new kitty.
     
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  3. Margret

    Margret TCS Member Top Cat

    5,714
    6,762
    Jul 17, 2014
    Littleton, CO
    It isn't self-pity; it's normal grieving. And TCS is still a community where we know about grieving for cats, and where most of us are still grieving for Artie, though not to the same extent you are, of course.

    This is the place you're supposed to go to when you need a shoulder to cry on about your loss of Artie. Please don't insult us by neglecting to share your pain.

    Yes, we love Artie, and we all miss him. But we also love you. With or without Artie, the people and cats of TCS are your family of choice, and you are part of our family of choice. You can be comfortable coming here to grieve, and sharing your adventures at the Humane Society, and telling us all about whatever cat eventually adopts you.
    :vibes: :vibes: :alright: :grouphug2: :catrub:

    Margret
     
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  4. nansiludie

    nansiludie TCS Member Top Cat

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    Mar 14, 2014
    Yes, 1000x this,:redheartpump:
     
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  5. neely

    neely May the purr be with you Staff Member Forum Helper

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    Dec 22, 2005
    I can't believe it's been two months already. There are no rules, no right or wrong, no time frame when it comes to grief. I cannot say this enough, we all understand what you are going through and grieve right along with you. :hugs:

    Regarding when to adopt, friends mean well and have good intentions but listen to Cindy, to your inner heart and follow your gut. You'll know when the time is right whether it's a week, a month or even a year. The right four-legged bundle of fur will speak to you and you'll melt with delight. Until that time comes enjoy your shifts at the Humane Society. :catlove:

    Thank you for the lovely picture of Artie - so handsome and noble. :gingercat2:
     
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  6. Brian007

    Brian007 Furmate and Famulus Top Cat

    1,751
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    Jan 13, 2017
    Edinburgh, Scotland.
    Deep grief lasts a long time - at least a year, if not longer. It's like an illness though, with many reoccurring, bumpy stages. But it will lessen, I promise. However, I doubt it will leave you forever, and you wouldn't want it to.

    When I get a sudden pang for Brian (after 2 years and 5 months), it hits me like a deadening punch in the stomach, and stops me right in my tracks. But, it's also accompanied by wonderful, funny memories; and I smile & laugh, as well as miss him and shed a tear or two or three.

    And, don't feel odd that your grief is more pronounced than that felt for your parents, Artie was your child. It's natural to feel the way you do right now and always will be.

    Purrsonally, I'd get a new cat as soon as the ONE comes along and gets you. No point in waiting if Mr or Mrs Right should suddenly pop up. Although, I agree to wait til said Right finds you rather than rush into things willynilly. But, it could be tomorrow, you never know your luck...

    And, Artie will always help.

    Brian literally saved Parker's life a month ago, when he 'told' me what to do when Parker was severely poisoned with insecticide, as Brian died from poisoning. Parker's fully recovered now but would have died without Brian's help. The vets were amazed that he recovered at all, and now "Miracle Boy" has been added to his ever growing nicknames.

    Please, write as often as you need. I can't talk about Brian the way you can Artie, but I feel and understand. If you still need to post about Artie in ten years time, I, for one, will read on.

    A new pusscat will help enormously though, so keep your eyes peeled and your heart & mind open. Although, I'd probably suggest trying to turn a blind eye to Artie lookalikes - Brian was a grey and white short haired tabby, Dudley and Parker are ragdolls. I was drawn to every grey and white tabby I came across but knew it wouldn't have been a sensible match for either of us. You can't help projecting, you're only human. However, I did want a large breed cat to fill Brian's extra large paws; a small cat wouldn't have fitted his vast empty space.

    :hangin:
    Hang on in there. :bluepaw::bluepaw::bluepaw: You WILL love again. :catlove:
     
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  7. catloverlady

    catloverlady My cat is a princess Adult Cat

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    Jun 13, 2018
    dairy state
    Reading this, I know exactly how you feel! It took me quite a while before finally adopting my newest kitten Princess. The first kitten that I had in the past ended up passing away when she was only a little over a year old due to a genetic disease. Then my next cat I adopted and she was around 3 yrs old but she actually might have been older, well I only had her with me for 4 years cause she ended up getting cancer really fast. It's sad because I always take my pets to the vet for checkups but sometimes things can happen so suddenly. So I swore I wouldn't get another cat, it was just too heartbreaking. Also when I lost my last cat I also got rid of all of her stuff cause I couldn't bare to have it in my house or I'd just feel sad all the time. I gave it to a rescue lady who was so grateful for the stuff. People kept telling me that the right cat would come along. Well, I did end up getting super lonely so I would check different humane society websites, well I saw a boy cat that I loved but it turned out he was 2 yrs old with a heart murmur and after my losses I didn't want a cat with a heart murmur. I did hope he'd get adopted though and he did. Then I ran across a girl cat that was 2 yrs old but she had a heart murmur as well. Then finally I found this little kitten and the scary thing that happened is she was all fine but then at one point later on the vet heard a bit of a heart murmur in her, but the good news is it did disappear. Sometimes it can be quite common in kittens and it can disappear. I know where you are coming from though and things will happen when it's time, just like how I ended up finding Princess.
     
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  8. dustydiamond1

    dustydiamond1 Minion to Gypsy since October 2016 Top Cat

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    Central Illinois, USA
    :grouphug: :vibes::vibes::vibes::heartshape::grouphug2::wave2:
     
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  9. dustydiamond1

    dustydiamond1 Minion to Gypsy since October 2016 Top Cat

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    Jan 24, 2017
    Central Illinois, USA

    :grouphug: :hearthrob::hugs: . :yeah:
     
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  10. katlady-18

    katlady-18 TCS Member Adult Cat

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    Mar 1, 2016
    Hi, I was around this site for a while, first while going through some health issues with Pumpkin in 2016, then last year after he passed away. Exactly about a year ago other things started happening in my life: a couple of sudden passings in the family, dealing with news of my elderly mom-in-law being terminal, and I just dropped out from here (I did later join a pet loss/grief support group on FB). So, I deeply apologize that I stopped following what was going on with Artie and that I didn't even know he had passed away until today when I got some notification from this site in my email. I tried to get a little caught up on what happened by searching for Artie's old thread. I'm sorry that I'm so late with my condolences and hope I'm not bringing up renewed grief by posting this. Artie was quite a fighter and you were an angel of a mom to him. I don't think I would've had the courage to do as much as you did. It never really stops hurting; 15 months after losing Pumpkin I'm still grieving, but I'm glad to see you've had so much support here. Hugs to you.
     
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  11. dustydiamond1

    dustydiamond1 Minion to Gypsy since October 2016 Top Cat

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    Jan 24, 2017
    Central Illinois, USA
    :grouphug::grouphug2::vibes::vibes:
     
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  12. artiemom

    artiemom Thread Starter Artie, my Angel; a part of my heart Top Cat

    6,647
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    Dec 22, 2014
    near Boston
    @katlady-18

    Thank you for your kind thoughts.

    I am so sorry for all that has happened to you.. ((hugs))

    It is almost, tomorrow (Thursday) will be 3 months...it feels like an eternity...
     
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  13. dustydiamond1

    dustydiamond1 Minion to Gypsy since October 2016 Top Cat

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    Jan 24, 2017
    Central Illinois, USA
    :hugs::hugs::vibes::vibes:
     
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  14. katlady-18

    katlady-18 TCS Member Adult Cat

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    Mar 1, 2016
    May all the support from everyone who cares about you and Artie (myself included) give you the strength to get through another anniversary of his passing. :grouphug: We will always remember him, and your journey with him. And trust me, I understood when you wrote that in many ways his loss was worse than when your parents died. I lost both of my parents many years ago, too (not at the same time) and that was hard, but having to let go of Pumpkin is the most devastating pain I have ever felt.

    I love that you're volunteering. Your heart has a lot of love to give to these little ones in need of kindness. It's therapeutic for both sides. :petcat::happycat:
     
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  15. artiemom

    artiemom Thread Starter Artie, my Angel; a part of my heart Top Cat

    6,647
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    Dec 22, 2014
    near Boston
    Perhaps a bit too much... I find I am always complaining, commenting on something, that someone is doing wrong or missed--medically... sigh... Think I am going to thought of as a constant complainer... but seriously: putting Teramycin eye ointment in cat FOOD instead of the eye!!! OMG...
     
    foxxycat and katlady-18 purraised this.

  16. GreyLady

    GreyLady TCS Member Adult Cat

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    May 23, 2018
    Maryland
    I hope volunteering continues to help you, being around cats even though you lost yours. And it will let you meet that perfect kitty when the time is right. It must be so hard to go through what you go through, I am terrified of losing Grey.

    I have only been a member here for a month, so didn't get to know you and Artie like a lot of other posters, but this seems like such a supportive community and I hope you keep reaching out to talk with people who understand. Some people just dont understand how hard it is to lose a really beloved pet. I still cry over my family dog when she comes to mind and she died 7 years ago.

    I look forward to seeing you post about your new kitty in the future, when the time is right for you, and seeing you go through happy cat things!! I'm sure the signs you are getting are real and Artie is waiting for you, if you believe in that :) I'm sure he also wants you to be happy!
     
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  17. katlady-18

    katlady-18 TCS Member Adult Cat

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    Mar 1, 2016
    Oh, heavens! :cringe: :cringe: :headshake: :disappointed: :einstein:
     

  18. angels mommy

    angels mommy TCS Member Top Cat

    6,060
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    Nov 5, 2011
    Wilmington,NC
    No need to apologize here. We are all here for you, & one another. That's the great thing about this site. We've got really good people here. It's completely normal to feel what you've been feeling. Especially with Artie having been your soul kitty, & going through so much together. I feel the same way about Angel. There will always be a tender spot in out hearts from losing them. You will know when it's time to adopt again, or perhaps be adopted. I was going to wait at least a year, then here came miss Sammie perching herself up on my porch! I still can't believe this labor day wknd will be 2 yrs since she showed up. I didn't think I was ready, & also needed to recoop financially a little, but I guess she had other plans. I truly believe Angel led her to me, just as Artie will help lead you to the next right kitty. We have so much love to give to them & our boys know it, so they acted, & will act when the time is right.
    In the meanwhile, it's ok to feel whatever, whenever you are feeling it. We love you & are here for you! :hugs:
     
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  19. dustydiamond1

    dustydiamond1 Minion to Gypsy since October 2016 Top Cat

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    Jan 24, 2017
    Central Illinois, USA
    :yeah::heartshape::vibes::vibes::grouphug:
     
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  20. artiemom

    artiemom Thread Starter Artie, my Angel; a part of my heart Top Cat

    6,647
    7,437
    Dec 22, 2014
    near Boston
    Yes, 3 months today... sigh...

    I am celebration Artie's life, by lighting a candle, buying a bouquet of flowers for my kitchen table, having a vodka & tonic, and some cheese & crackers...

    Artie loved cheese, and he loved to chomp on flowers... that is why I stopped buying them.

    I have kept myself busy at the Rescue; this past Saturday afternoon, Sunday night, Tuesday night, and now I am taking another shift on Saturday morning.

    I really miss kitty love.. Hopefully, in October, a kitty will 'find' me. I really miss the unconditional love... sigh...

    I would start a 3 month thread, but I think I would be bawling/crying intensely... and not making much sense...

    I really miss my guy... still have to guilts... having to keep reminding myself of how sick Artie really was... had to stop because I just filled up 2 tissues...

    This morning, I found a very very very tiny clump of litter. I was taking some things out of his bathroom vanity, barefoot---getting ready for the renovations. Suddenly, my foot stepped on 'something'.. looked at it, and sure enough.. that is what it was...

    Amazing, because I have swept, Swiffered, vacuumed, and washed that floor a couple times... now, today, it finds me... weird...

    I miss him.. so much... I miss the cuddles, the talking, the love..

    I just miss him...

    This is how he was, every single night... on my lap... holding my hand.... for 6 years... from the day I brought him home.. he never left me alone....


    IMG_0960.JPG


    I feel so alone, now.....
     
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