Anybody Have Any Good Jokes?

[caspar]

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “honk if you love Jesus†bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that
followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy
intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He
is. I
didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t notice that the light had changed. It is a
good
thing
someone else loves Jesus because if he hadnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t honked, Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!†What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man rida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny
beachâ€
...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only
his
middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my
teenage
grandson
in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well,
Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy
of
the moment that they got out of their cars and
started
walking
towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma

 

[caspar]

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into
the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns
and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready
to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Schure,
Preacher..I'll give it a try."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and
pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the
preacher asked.
Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks
him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says,
Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
Noooo, I did not Rev."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[kittenkiya]

Two green beans were walking along on the highway when one of them got hit by an 18-wheeler. His friend scraped him up and rushed him to the hospital. After hours of surgery, the doctor came out to talk to the healthy green bean.

"I have good news and bad news," said the doctor.

The healthy green bean said, "Give me the good news."

"Your friend will live," said the doctor.

"What's the bad news?"

"He'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

 

[katl8e]

What do you call twelve blondes, standing side-by-side?

Scroll down



















A wind tunnel.

 

[caspar]

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took
off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was upset.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted
to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I
noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because
his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him
throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very
flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name,
said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like
to get off and stretch yourlegs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe
my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely
quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing
sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
they also were trying to change airlines!

 

[caspar]

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:
Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can
see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later)
Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because
he isn't there.
He doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy
some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by
this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were
taught today in school, she must not
have one!

 

[rapunzel47]

Vet Bills

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon's office.


As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, This is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

 

[wellingtoncats]

I love these jokes- especially the pig one.

 

[caspar]

Children in Church :

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children as they were on
their way to the church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet
in church?"


One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


The preacher :

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little
girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,

"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"



The Ten Commandments :

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Suzie raised

her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

The Wedding:

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing

the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it

went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.\\

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from
all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,

"I was being the Ring Bear."


The Four Year Old :

And, one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

 

[caspar]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she
ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God
bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa".
Father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?".
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do."
The next day, Grandpa died. Father thought it was a
strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and
listened to her prayers, which went like this; "God
bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
Next day, the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the
father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed,
the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye
Daddy."

He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all
night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his
office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch
sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he
could get by until midnight, he would be OK. He felt
safe in the office, so instead of going home at the
end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee,
looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief
and went home.
When he got home, his wife said "I've never seen you
work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't
want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never
believe what happened to me. This morning, the
mailman dropped dead on our porch."

 

[feralwhisperer]

I don't have any jokes but I love this thread

 

[caspar]

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up
at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The
plaque was covered with names and small American flags were
mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood
together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the
10:30?"

 

[caspar]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old
blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son ....

Go get your mother."

 

[hootiecat]

Hi, I'm not good at remembering jokes, but I like the short and sweet ones.(easy to remember) what did the snail say as it rode the turtles back? weeeeeee! hahaha h-cat

 

[rapunzel47]

A young preacher was interviewed for his first church. He was asked by the pulpit committee to relate the story of the Good Samaritan.

There was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus who went down to Jerusalem by night and he fell upon some stony ground and the thorns choked him half to death. And he said, "What shall I do? I will arise and go to my Father's
house," and he arose and climbed up into a sycamore tree. The next day Solomon and his wife Gomorrah came by and they carried him down to the ark for Moses to take care of him, but as he was going through the Eastern gate into the ark, he caught his hair on a limb and he hung there for 40 days and 40 nights. And he afterward hunger'd and the ravens came and fed him. The next day, 3 wise men came and carried him down to Ninevah and when he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall. And he said, "Chunk 'er down boys," and they said, "Well, how many times shall we chunk 'er down; till 7 times?" He said, "Nay, but until 70 x 7," and they chunked her down 490 times and she burst asunder in their midst. And they picked up 12 baskets of
the fragments that remained and in the resurrection, whose wife will she be?

The Chairman said, "I believe we should call him. I know he's young, but he really knows his Bible."

 

[debby]

OMG!!! That even had me confused!

I did think of one joke, but it is an old one that my mom used to tell years ago...so I don't know if any of you will find it funny, but here goes....

There was a man who had a wife who constantly spent his hard earned money on new clothes. He told her many times that they did not have the money to spare, but yet every time she came home from town, she had a new dress. She told him...I simply cannot fight off the temptation of the devil to buy these new clothes, even though I know we haven't the money for them. So he told her...the next time you are in town shopping and the devil comes to you and whispers in your ear that you really do need that beautiful new dress, just resist him and say to him,"Get thee behind me Satan!!!"
So, the very next time the woman went shopping, she came home with a new dress....the husband said to her...."What happened???? Did you not say into the face of tempation....Get thee behind me Satan?????" And she said..."Yes...I did!!!" and the husband said, "WELL, what happened then???" and she said, "I was so very tempted to buy the dress and I even tried it on....then I remembered what you said, and I tried to resist temptation....I shouted...."Get thee behind me Satan!!!" and then he said...."looks good from back here, too....buy it!"

 

[debby]

Originally Posted by Spencer

This made me laugh. Hope you guys get some chuckles, too.

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to
take them to the county fair and sell them.

While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to
drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM., loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had,
and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will we know
if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then
they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the
farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the
pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one
of them is honking the horn!!!"

By the way, Spencer...I forgot to mention I got such a kick out of this joke!!! I shared it with several e-mail friends....it is so funny!!!!

 

[wellingtoncats]

I'm in stiches right now.. this thread is SO funny. I've gotta find some to share!

 

[dawnofsierra]

Good one, Debby!

 

[caspar]

Darn! What happened to my joke thread? Stay away for 3 days, and it disappears. I am going to have to bring this back up to the top.

An English lady while visiting Switzerland to check on a Chalet rental for the following summer was dismayed at the fact that she couldn't find the W.C. Now W.C. is an English term for "water closet" or toilet. She wrote the parish priest inquiring as to the W.C.'s whereabouts. Now the parish priest was not good in English so with the aid of the village school master, they both concluded that W.C. stood for "wayside chapel".

This is an excerpt from the letter he wrote to the English lady.

"My dear madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located 9 miles from the house in a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is only open on Wednesdays and Sundays, but an extra day of Saturday has been added since we feel that there is a great need for an extra day. Plush cushions have been applied to all the seats. A little bell rings when you walk in so that you will be seen by all. We have added an orchestra to add to the sweet melodies played by those already seated. I hope we have been of service to you. Your Servant, The Parish Priest."

It was this little story that got the late Jack Paar banned from late night TV. This is quite tame compared to what is on Saturday Night Live right now.