An update with a tragic end

[Andrei90]

I honestly struggled to write this for a while. This is my fifth draft and I'm still unsure what I really want from this post. My mind has been through a lot of emotions lately but I think in the end I just need some closure. I miss him deeply and wish I could be hugging my cat right now and spending time with him but instead he's gone and I'll be writing about all the mistakes that were made. It's very likely only a handful of people will ever see this before it gets lost. But maybe, just maybe, someone will take a look and perhaps learn from my experience and not repeat the same mistakes. I apologize if this turns out to be a long post. It's also going to be a very pessimistic viewpoint but only because I feel that we made some serious mistakes with a cat that deserved so much more from life.

No I did not abandon Chester but it very much feels like I did. He disappeared in late May this year and hasn't been seen since. I still am searching 2 months later because I don't want to give up on him but I think it's just denial now. Following his disappearance there was an influx of coyote sightings. Other cats went missing too. And to be honest there were signs before for years and nobody bothered to change the routine with his outdoor access. Why? Because this family never made good decisions when it came to owning pets.

If you read my previous thread from 2018, I mentioned that my family had lost four cats outside and now Chester has become number five. I don't want to sit here and just blame my parents for the deaths. I wasn't any better myself but they insisted from the beginning on letting them out. I was against it after I got older and started to understand the consequences. They are good people at heart but their idea of cat ownership was to let them be "free and independent." In other words they wanted the outdoors to be the babysitter.

Unfortunately, we didn't learn from any of the deaths. Two were hit by cars and passed away at very young ages. The next two were then taken by coyotes. Both didn't get far either in terms of age. All of them were perfect cats. We always had a skill for choosing the best ones and then ruin them. I started to realize what we were doing was completely wrong. I kept thinking we were some bad omen and every kitten we adopted from the shelter would ultimately lead a short life with a painful death. It was unfair for them. So I told my mom to stop adopting. It didn't matter. She still went ahead and brought Chester home from the shelter.

This one was different. We got him as a kitten and he refused to go down. He stayed with us for 14 years. Long enough to be exposed to our other defects. Character flaws that I'm ashamed to admit would result in us not giving him the attention or respect he deserved. It's painful to admit but we just never made him a priority. We were always busy doing other things (work, school, hobbies, etc.) and he just sort of stayed in the background. Either roaming outside or sleeping in his favorite spot. That was the routine that was established long ago and unfortunately never broken. But to say we completely ignored him would be wrong. We always fed him and gave him water. We gave him proper vet care. They were all treated well in this regard. It was impossible to go 14 years without developing some kind of a bond with him. I did love him. I petted him, played with him, relaxed with him, etc. He was without a doubt much more affectionate in the past. I like to think there were some good memories with him.

But it clearly wasn't enough. Or perhaps I was doing it wrong? He started to feel withdrawn and uninterested in spending time with us. He even looked bored inside and outside when he relaxed in our backyard. This started some time after we moved to our current home about 8 years ago. Unfortunately, it only got worse as he got older. It was pretty clear we never developed a very strong bond and he adjusted to his situation accordingly. His routine was to go outside and only come back for food or sleep (usually before 11PM). All our interactions happened mostly around his feeding area by the backdoor. This is where we let him out too. We would give him a quick pet or pick him up for a quick hug. Otherwise, most other interactions were done in the backyard. He didn't show much interest in playing so we basically stopped or rarely got involved. Within the house, he honestly showed more interest in his sleeping spot than anything else. The house was never really cat friendly and had nothing to offer him so I'm not surprised he wanted to go outside all the time. It was the one thing that gave him stimulation.

In fact I created the original thread to ask for advice about how to deal with this. I wanted to know if I could somehow salvage this situation. Some users responded in kind and I thank them for that. The general response was that he actually seemed satisfied with his situation. His life was comfortable and he didn't need anything more. Some mentioned it was a personality thing and to not attach human emotions to him. Others pointed out he was old and just wanted to spend time alone. Perhaps this is true and his experience wasn't all too bad but I still believe I didn't do enough for him. I keep thinking our negligence is what changed him since he was more friendly in the past.

Regardless of how he actually felt, I still failed him in his last moments as an owner and I'm completely devastated. He looked to me for support and safety and I failed to provide any of them. He remained loyal to us after all that time, for whatever reason, and we just didn't care. This absolutely kills me on the inside. It feels like I betrayed him. I fell into the same routine that I had criticized and never took the initiative to save him. The coyotes were always there and occasionally leaving signs and yet nothing was done. Nothing clicked in our minds to stop him despite losing two cats in a similar way. We thought he was invincible considering how far he had come. He was 14 years old and had no business being outside. He should have transitioned to indoor years ago.

He went out a horrible way and I seriously feel like we discarded him in the end. Like we threw him out to die. That was our "thank you" for the 14 years. I know it wasn't intentional but it could have been easily avoidable. We started as terrible owners and somehow never improved. It was unfair for him to be stuck with us. He deserved so much more. He was an amazing cat. Never gave us any problems. He was calm and patient. Barely made any noise but did purr loudly and you didn't even have to touch him. Your presence close to him would get him started. He even enjoyed kneading. It was something he carried into old age. He did it to me some time shortly before his disappearance. I remember the experience well. It was pleasant even if it lasted a few minutes. He wasn't a lap cat but did enjoy resting up against your side. This didn't happen very often unfortunately. He also would put his paw on me when he was seeking attention. And I always responded but the interactions were mostly short. One thing I'll regret forever was not letting him sleep in my room. He stayed with my parents at night but he would try sometimes to come into my room. I would close the door in his face as I went to bed. He cried outside on some occasions but eventually would stop. Later he would stay outside seeking permission as I closed the door but it never came. Towards the end he stopped trying altogether. I have absolutely no idea what the hell I was thinking in these moments. I had him sleep inside on a few occasions and enjoyed it. It's a terrible habit that I could never drop and for that I'm ashamed. Yes, I had terrible sleep issues but I should have worked through them.

Sometimes I think the others were spared and he was burdened with living this life with us. And I can't even say full. The vet said he was perfectly healthy and had great muscle mass for his age. He probably could have lived till 20 or more. We robbed this from him. And I think he could have been a very affectionate cat. He was probably craving companionship but never got a chance to fully develope/ experience it. We robbed this from him too.

I am deeply sorry my friend. You deserved so much more from life and I wasn't able to provide it. I hope you were at the very least content with us. And perhaps, in some way, also did find a small measure of happiness. Whether it was with us or from exploring your little kingdom. Rest easy now and perhaps we'll meet again sometime.

 

[danetteg]

This is so terribly sad post I'm so very very sorry for your loss . Don't think for a second you were a bad owner because look we try our best to be good parents but sometimes what we do isn't always enough in our eyes .work school children life gets in the way but you feeding your cats , relaxing with them taking them to the vet when they needed it means alot to them I just know it thats love right there because if we don't do it who would? It means you cared I'm sad u feel guilty but I feel he knew you loved him even though at times you were busy with life ill be praying for you nobody is perfect so please don't put yourself down like you were bad. ***hugs***

 

[di and bob]

These horrible thoughts are always present with grief, they will always haunt you until time has passed and you can start to focus on the good in his life, and what he brought into your own. To have never met him at all would have been a great loss too. You did nothing wrong, millions upon millions of cats live outdoors in this world, they love the outdoors and some absolutely refuse to be indoor cats. Yes, it is much safer indoors, it may have given him a few more years, but at 14 he died in the place he loved and knew, surrounded by the love of a family he returned to, on his own terms.
Cats don't 'think' as we do, they are driven by instinct and live in the present as all animals do. For him to live 14 years, it shows he was intelligent and wise in the ways of nature. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. For you to have such guilt implies you had intent. This is not true. All you wanted was to give him what made him happy. You did this in providing him with a home to return to, food, and the love of a family. Cats are very independent animals, they adapt to their surroundings and don't hold grudges or hate you because they didn't get what they want. You think back now on all the things you COULD have done, but didn't, but instead of letting it bring pain, let it help you in the future. By telling your story and warning others of the dangers outside, you are honoring his memory, and will saves lives that may have been lost. That is bringing something good out of something so tragic. Bless you.
I lived in a place that people used as a dumping ground for unwanted cats. I fed and cared for so many.....and almost all of them ended up dead on our busy street. Even the ones that lived for years. I had over 2 dozen little graves on my place, I couldn't keep them all inside, I had 5 already at one time, but I did what I could, giving them food and a warm place to sleep. Spaying/neutering so many, finding homes for the lucky ones, burying the ones that were not. The horror, the pain, slowly kills you at times, but I remember each and every one of them, and they will always have a home in my heart. I remember saying, no more, I can't take the pain anymore, until the next little one showed up, so sacred, so hungry........
You and your family gave each and every one of those little ones so much. You did what you could, with what you had. They would have starved, been so cold at night, wandering the world in search of something they would never find. Dying alone and unwanted, unloved. Your little ones were not. They were loved, they had a home base, they were happy.
Of course, it hurts when they meet a tragic end. It may or may not have been preventable. Keeping them inside may be condemning them to a lingering, horrible death from some illness or condition that was not preventable. Cancer, FIP, there are too many to count. So try not to dwell on his end, but on the 14 years he got. Celebrate having known him, on having him in your life. The bond you formed with him is spiritual, so eternal. He will forever parallel your life's journey, he will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Live the rest of your own life as you would want for him to go on if you were the first to go. Seeking happiness, living life as it is meant to be lived. And that includes opening your heart to other little loves, because loving another is a real part of life. they will reside beside his in your heart, making his grow with your happiness and making it even more special.
My heart goes out to you, I have stood in your shoes and know the pain you are going through. Time is the only thing that helps. time will dull the sharp edges of grief. Don't let the pain take over and destroy your life. Don't let death take two instead of one. We are here to share your burden, we will empathize with you because we are all family through our love of these special creatures. we show you that you can survive after all this, you can't change the past but you can use what you learned to shape your future. We all get so caught up in life, we forget that spending time with others, of caring for others and their needs is a part of life too. Every one of us can learn a lesson here. For now, live in the present and be gentle on yourself. Take that first step forward into your future, leave the pain behind, you have so much to share with the others that will enter your life. You have a good heart, and though it is broken right now, in time you will fill the emptiness in your arms and your life with another little one who will bring you the comfort you need. Take that first step, one day at a time.......RIP sweet Chester. You will always be dearly missed, you will have a secure place in a loving heart for eternity. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[catsknowme]

Thank you for the thoughtful, well-written post. Obviously Chester was contented with his family or he would have moved on to another home. You obviously have thought long and hard and will offer your next cat/kitten an awesome life

 

[John Perram]

Thank you for sharing your love with Chester. I know how you feel. When I was young, I had a cat named Friskee he was allowed to roam in a wooded area and always came home for dinner and his litter box. One day he did not make it. I screamed his name over and over outside loudly, then I heard him weakly meowing. He walked into the garage with his skin on his throat torn open. He lost to a raccoon. My dad laid him to rest.

 

[Andrei90]

Thank you for the replies. I really do appreciate the kind words but they won't change the reality. We made so many stupid mistakes and I can't even begin to think we deserve any kind of forgiveness. The sad truth is we didn't give Chester the time or affection he needed and died a terrible way because we didn't consider his safety at all. Nothing in that post was exaggerated. He's gone now and I'm left with an absolutely terrible feeling. I can't even begin to describe it because it's not just the death I'm dealing with but also the guilt and shame of how we treated him. The fact that he was still loyal and came back to us every single day is what makes it unbearable. It's like we lied to him for 14 years while he was just looking for a little affection. This is a feeling that will stick with me till I die and I'm already overwhelmed after 2 months. I have absolutely no clue how to cope with this. Is it even possible to move forward?

 

[catsknowme]

Grief is unique to every individual. My father's people believed that those who pass on have returned to the Creator and those yet to be born. I am sorry that Chester didn't get all the best of life but he did have a name and a real family - he didn't have to wander through life as a street cat, hungry, flea infested, miserable, hiding from dogs, mean people, other threats.
The old-timers used to have a saying "Man is born to die" and it is very true. In the early 1990s, I had a cat named JC the 1st whom I raised from a few days old. He was my little treasure, the darling of the family. Because he was so special, he went outside only at the riding stables. He went on road trips with us and had a shoe box lined with plastic for a porta-potty. He often longed to get to go outside like the other cats but I didn't dare allow him that freedom even though our Border Collie guarded him closely, even inside the house. He got his vaccines and regular check ups. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop the throat cancer that invaded his little body. I lost him at 5 years old. 13 years later, I lost my little Manx Joey when he was 5 - this time to Manx syndrome/prolapsed rectum. Yet I had one yard feral live to over 20 and the rest of that group are over 10. In April, 2017, a mountain lion killed 7, so there are dangers in our yard. And the ferals get cheaper cat food! My point is that sometimes we can only do the best we can and learn what to do better next time - and, yes, there will be more.opportunities, more chances for a kitty longing for your love.
Sending prayers & vibes for peace & comfort for your hurting heart

 

[DebbieLamb]

I don't know how old you are, but I get the impression from your post that you are fairly young and likely still in school.

I've had a lot of animals over the years. I'm an old lady now but one of the first things I did when I left my parents home was to get a dog. I was young and made a lot of mistakes with that dog and one day about six months after I got her, she disappeared. It has been 43 years and I still wonder what happened to her. The pain and guilt over that has never really gone away. The only thing I could do with that is learn from it. With my next dog and every dog since, I learned not to let wander.

It is quite easy to take for granted that they'll always be there, day by day they are there and it isn't until they are near the end of their life or until they pass that we start to think of all the things we should have done, would have done, could have done. We think of all the times we were in a hurry and didn't stop to pet them or yelled at them to get out of the way. We think if only we could just cuddle them one more time, give them one more treat, take them for one more walk.

You might think you haven't learned anything from this, but I think you have. You might not have control over what is happening in your parent's home but when you get into your own home and if you decide to get a cat, then you know to keep the cat indoors. You have, unfortunately, seen the consequences of what is often the fate of an outside cat. You have done a lot more than a lot of people would with an outside cat. He was fed, he had water and vet care when it was needed.

What you are struggling with right now is forgiving yourself. I don't have answers for you because everyone's journey is different. Just be kind to yourself.