Adoption Regret

aerius99

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Hi everyone,
This isn't an easy post to write publicly. I recently adopted a 3 year old after months of being so sure I wanted a cat.
I decked my home out with all the necessary equipment and did a ton of research on setting up/settling in.

She arrived 3 weeks ago, and she is a dream cat. Immediately wanted to explore my home, rubbing herself on everything. She’s very friendly, affectionate, playful, gentle, endearingly vocal, no eating issues, no litter box issues, and honestly the cutest cat I’ve ever seen. She is the definition of a lap cat, she falls asleep on my chest and loves kisses. She coos when she’s touched (although I think it's a startled coo). Her play ability is adorable and happy. She will chase balls and run around on her own at times. She gently paws me to get up, and will fall asleep near me if I don't. Will come and sit on my chest any chance she gets. She is very needy and can't get enough attention.

She's also very confident, meaning she has no problem hissing and motioning to bite if she doesn't like something. The second day I had her here, I was putting away her carrier and she lunged at my hands which really scared me. I know she most likely won't hurt me, but I am new to cats and I can't help that my body is experiencing an intense fear response around this. My apartment is also really small so there is no separation between us when I'm doing work. I allowed her to lay on my lap and when I needed to adjust my leg position because it was falling asleep, again she hissed and motioned to bite. I try to keep her away from going behind the washing machine, and when I do she will hiss and spit at me. Once she lunged at me to attack when I tried to get clumped litter off her paw.

All this to say, she is a pretty normal, well-rounded cat. I know these feelings I'm having are about where I'm at with this, and it hit me very unexpectedly.
5 days after she arrived, I was cleaning and suddenly got overwhelmed with intense anxiety about her being there. I started to feel claustrophobic and hyper-focusing on the changes, coupled with fear that I can't manage her well because of my own fears about handling her. I'm pretty sure she picks up on my automatic freeze response when she has her anger/fear reactions. I'm also constantly distracted by her because my home is so small and we're around each other constantly (even have to leave the bathroom door open because it's the only place I could put her litter box separate). My novice cat brain thought if she got sufficient play before work/during breaks, she'd be okay to chill out. But given that it's an open space, it's an open invitation all day long to ask for attention.

I've been going back and forth between two minds it feels like. On the one hand she is such a sweetheart, on the other hand my body is not able to adjust to this well. I've spoken to many friends (unfortunately also receiving unhelpful shaming about even considering re-homing) and the ones that really trust and know me feel it's not healthy for me. I've just come into my new home and on my own for the first time in a significant way, and ever since her arrival I haven't been able to feel at home. I also went back to therapy for this, and took away that I may need not be in the right place for this, and that it is the best decision for both of us to reach back out to the adoption agency (they rescue cats from kill shelters and do extensive interviewing to find suitable homes). My anxiety is not helpful or fair to her.

That being said, I'm having trouble pressing the sent button. My mind has been 60% sure it's not the right time and fit, and 40% trying to tell myself that it'll get better/criticizing and judging myself for being weak/fear of regret.

Sorry this post is so long- I'm just so conflicted and have been constantly tense for weeks.
Obviously I can't stop people from judging me but I hope anyone who is able to understand what I've expressed her can offer some words of wisdom.

Thank you so much :)
 

Cat McCannon

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Giving up a cat is hard. Your cat deserves a loving home, with you or with someone else. But you also deserve a loving cat. :)

It's tough fighting through your anxiety, but it's worth it. Continue taking the time to build the bond between you and your cat and she'll grow to trust you more and more. She'll be there to help you get through those bad times. Having a cat is good therapy. I know from experience.

However, only you can make this decision. What ever you decide, you must commit to that decision and follow through.
 
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rubysmama

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Hi A aerius99 . Welcome to TCS. Sorry you come here with a difficult situation. But rest assured, you are not the first person to post about adoption regret. It doesn't come up a lot, but it does happen. And occasionally the human does end up returning the cat, but most times things settle down after a bit more time, and everything works out as planned.

Here are links to some other threads on the topic, that might be helpful:
Search Results for Query: adoption regret

I hope things work out with you and kitty, but if you do end up returning her to the shelter, I know it will be because you want the best for her, and yourself.

If you do keep her, and have questions about her behaviour, including her biting/lunging, do post a new thread in the applicable forum, where you'll get advice / suggestions for working through the issue.

Good luck. Do let us know what you end up deciding to do. Hugs ...
 

di and bob

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Three weeks is hardly enough time to adjust to such changes in both your lives. Though she seems affectionate, confident, etc. right now she is in the very beginnings of adjusting to a new home and human, and you to sharing your home with a cat. She will leave you alone more as she adjusts and sets up a routine. This all takes time. There is not one of us here that has not become anxious or freaked out about SOMETHING in our lives with cats. It's how you handle it that counts. we are not perfect, no one is. There will be mistakes made, and regrets will come up. That is life. You learn from your mistakes. Reaching out to those who have a lot of experience is a good start. We can assure you that the clinginess will back off a little, the hissing will stop as she learns to trust you. In the first months, I would say up to six, do not grab her or force her into anything. If she hisses at something you do, sternly tell her no and leave her alone. If she is on your lap tell her it is time to get up and stand up, or push her gently off. the only reason she is hissing is because she doesn't really know you yet and doesn't know your intentions. It all takes time. If she has a clump of litter on her paw, let her get it off. Never grab her right now, to her you are being aggressive and she will warn you off. Never stare into her eyes, that is an act of hostility to a cat. Cats are independent, you don't have to be with them every second or entertain them constantly. Both of you will learn a routine and get to know each other and become more confident. Leave the house for a while and get away. She can become your new best friend. Don't worry about what to do right now, all those could haves should haves, what might happen. let life sort itself out. 99% of what you worry about DOES NOT COME TRUE. I can tell you that after 65 years of living. Lief is way too short to worry about what might happen. Make it do what you want right now as well as you can and live as cats do, in the present. Just take it one day at a time, and if you feel things building up, get out and enjoy taking a walk and look at what life has to offer. There is beauty and life everywhere.
 
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suzeanna

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I can empathize! I felt overwhelmed when I first adopted my 8 y/o kitty, especially when she started having some sudden intense aggression issues after 3 weeks. A friend helped me think through it and give it time (and she saw a vet and got medication), and I'm sooo glad. Less than a year later, I can't imagine life without her. When we're not in the same room I'm like "I wonder where Susan is", and I don't think I could ever get tired of hearing her cute and/or insistent meows, headbutts when I'm preparing her meals, etc. I do remember feeling overwhelmed with the new added responsibilities like constantly cleaning the litter box, replacing water, etc., but as time goes on I think those things feel less daunting and effortful. I also remember being concerned about the loss of independence in a way bc you now have someone else to think about and can't just go off to another city for the weekend or on a whim. I do miss that a bit, but I'm really grateful for my kitty and the sweetness she adds to my life every day.

There are some things that most cats just don't like. My cat stepped on a painting canvas the other day so I moved her paw off of it and she was fine, but then she did it again two minutes later and when I moved her paw off again she hissed in my face (HATES paw touching, usually just tucks them away when you touch them). :rolleyes: So in future, I'll just make sure she doesn't climb onto the table while I'm painting, or I'll paint on another surface. Some of those things are just about compromise and figuring out how to live together. And I do think that some sensitivities go away with time. Literally a few weeks after I adopted her, I was cleaning a little smudge on the floor which was 2 inches away from her back paw and she hissed at me. Nothing like that happens anymore, and she even lets us hold and trim her nails and clean her butt (she's overweight and can't reach) if we give her a puree treat. :lovecat2:

In any case, I hope you make the right decision for you, and I just wanted you to know that these feelings at this point in time are normal.
 
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