Adoption Regret

[lyanh13]

Today I impulsively adopted a cat. I’ve been thinking about it for months, but I was going to wait until I saw a cat today that I thought was my perfect match. She’s 8 years old and affectionate and calm.
That being said, the second I brought her home I was filled with deep anxiety and regret. I haven’t been able to calm down since bringing her home and I fear I’ve made a huge mistake. She does normal cat things like scratch at my carpet and want to play at 3am, all of which I was prepared for in theory, but in practice it’s just heightening my anxiety.
I know it’s only been a day, but I’m close to sobbing again today about wanting to take her back to the shelter. I feel like a horrible person— she’s a great cat and there’s nothing wrong with her. I just don’t know if I was emotionally ready to care for a cat and it’s triggering a lot of anxiety for me.
Any advice?

 

[ArtNJ]

You need more time to see what the cat will be like and how difficult stuff will be. Trying to get an 8 year old cat to not scratch your carpet isn't necessarily going to be easy, but hopefully you can figure out what kind of scratching posts the cat is used too, and hopefully that helps a lot. By 8 most cats will mostly let you sleep through the night -- hopefully your will too after a small adjustment period. Just ignore the cat at 3am, do NOT play with it.

All of that said, if you are someone that struggles with anxiety, cats are a mixed blessing. Even a mellow 8 year old might have ingrained behaviors that can be hard to change. For example, only you know how you'll likely react to the carpet issue being a prolonged battle, which it might be. A lot of people with anxiety do report taking comfort from a cat, so give it a few days with an open mind. That said, no one here will judge if you can't deal. With an 8 year old cat, its a good thing to be trying even if you aren't sure it will work. If you try and fail, you try and fail. As long as your kind to the cat, better to try.

Hope this helps.

 

[maggiedemi]

Do you have a scratching post?

 

[epona]

Hon, that's normal for a courageous cat in a new home - some hide under the bed for a week, some want to explore every nook and cranny. Cats are highly territorial and either of those are normal reactions to finding themselves somewhere new, she's feeling nervous and on edge and given that she is clearly not the hiding sort, her being on edge makes her keep constantly checking every corner.

She does have somewhere to hide should she want to, doesn't she? A cardboard box would be good, or a lot of cats like somewhere higher up, say a bookcase behind some books or the top of a wardrobe or something.

She'll settle down, but it can take a while for them to become comfortable and feel safe in a new home. (Radar is my special little cat and I love him so much, he's now nearly 12, I spent the first week we got him in tears - that's not as abnormal as it might sound).

 

[Hellenww]

Since you know the carpet is one of her scratching choices get a cardboard scratcher that lay flat. When she goes for the carpet move her to the scratcher and scratch at it with your finger to show her what it's for. Also try a heavy play session and meal/snack before you go to bed. Like ArtNJ said ignore her playing at 3am. She's learning about you just like you're learning about her. Give both of you a few days to settle in. It sound like you'll have a sweet companion.

 

[Draco]

I feel regret every time I bring home a living creature.. both cats, my gecko, and even fish for my tanks. No matter what, I feel regret.. but after a few days or so, the regret is gone. I believe it's normal to feel that way.

Both you and kitty needs time to settle in, and once you're into a routine, things will be much more comfortable!

I echo the suggestions above.. make sure she has scratching posts (Vertical and horizontal), places to hide, lots of toys, and time to settle in. Also feed and play with her right before bedtime to wear her down so she'll be quiet all night- this might take time

 

[epona]

In terms of trying to play with you at night, I heartily recommend just pulling the covers over your head and ignoring her. When she settles down for cuddles/sleep, give her praise and strokes (if she is friendly and likes that). If you are consistent, they do learn that trying to play when you are sleeping will not produce any attention or reward, and will generally stop trying to play while you are asleep, opting to sleep next to you or on your feet or your side instead.

 

[Akachang_mama]

Hang in there!
I felt the same way when I first adopted my baby boy.
He was 4 months old and was very shy so my struggles were different from yours!
He was my first cat and like you, I have considered adopting a cat a few months before
and was ready for all the risks that could come.

He was in a litter with his mom when I adopted him, so I already felt bad about
seperating him from his mom and siblings.
I live alone in a small room and the first 3 days he would not let me touch him.
He would hiss and cry all night long calling for his family
I was worried if he would not use the litter box and poop on the sofa,
I was worried because he would not eat and hide all day,
I was worried if I could leave him alone while I go to work, literally worried about everything.
I was stressed and regretted my decision pretty bad lol

When he was crying I would take my pillow and sleep on the floor near him,
it was kind of my way to let him know I care and mean no harm.
I read a lot of suggestions online and slowly with lots of emotional struggles ,he finally warmed up and came for cuddles!
He is very well behaved, never wake me up in mornings but demands a lot of playtime which is tiring me lol.
But I love him so much i'm overly attached haha.

I think your cat is off to a great start because she already wants to play!
Like everyone has shared here, continue ignoring her play demands while you were sleeping and keep playing on a scheduled time,
that way she will learn to adapt with your ways eventually.
If you have the budget, buy different types of scratching posts to figure out which one she likes most.
Buy toys she could play alone with while you are sleeping (mine is a mouse plushie)
Don't give up on her yet!

 

[kissthisangel]

I'm sorry that you are feeling so anxious, a new cat is a big adjustment and a responsibility so it's natural to be nervous about it. You mentioned you've been considering adopting a cat for a few months but you were waiting. You were waiting for your perfect cat and you may just have found her. It feels impulsive because you told yourself you would wait. I think the word impulsive has some negative connotations and because of your anxiety about adopting her and not waiting longer, you're thinking that something will go wrong. It doesn't have to.

I want you to know that if you really can't cope with the cat, returning her to the shelter will not make you a horrible person. They would prefer that adopters are honest and open about the animals, and you can explain that you didn't feel emotionally ready to commit to the cat. I don't think you should do this just yet though because it's only been a day, as you said and I have a couple of suggestions on how you might feel less anxious and more prepared for your cat.

You can make some home made toys and scratchers for her, if you're creative then you can make up your own shapes and ideas but if you'd prefer to watch a tutorial you can find many different ones on youtube like this one here. I think this will help because you'll be focused on making something for her, and not worrying about whether you have made the right decision. She'll be interested in what you're up to as well so will probably stop scratching the carpet and being a hooligan to investigate.

She's 8 but she will still enjoy a good play session, you can figure out what type of toys she likes by using different ones with her and seeing what she reacts most to. Wand toys are good to do high energy play and they really do help you to bond with the cat. This might tire her out to let you sleep through the night. If it doesn't, I would suggest simply letting her stay down out of your room with toys she can play with herself. You can buy balls and mice fairly cheaply. Also kicker toys like this one help with that hunting feeling.

Lots of people use treats to train their cats to do things, I've seen videos of cats doing all sorts like rollover and Hi-five.
I've never got past "sit" with my cat and it only works with a treat but this is another great way to spend time with the cat and build up trust and your relationship.

Secondly, you can write down what's worrying you specifically, and plan how you would deal with those situations so that you feel more in control of the fears that you have. For example - Cat keeps scratching the carpet - provide more scratch pads Cat wakes me up in the night - Cat is not allowed in the bedroom from bedtime until I wake up. If you are stuck with a solution you can post here for advice and the community is extremely welcoming and helpful. I think this will help to break down the concerns, it's easier to find solutions for smaller problems.

let us know how it goes - Kiss

 

[epona]

Also, another thought - have you considered a Feliway plug in? A large part of the reason cats scratch stuff is because it deposits their scent in whatever they are scratching - so it is somewhat normal for a cat in a new home and feeling insecure to either rub their head and body over everything, scratch stuff, or in the worst case urinate or defecate outside of the litter tray.

Feliway may help to feel her more settled.

 

[kittens mom]

Today I impulsively adopted a cat. I’ve been thinking about it for months, but I was going to wait until I saw a cat today that I thought was my perfect match. She’s 8 years old and affectionate and calm.
That being said, the second I brought her home I was filled with deep anxiety and regret. I haven’t been able to calm down since bringing her home and I fear I’ve made a huge mistake. She does normal cat things like scratch at my carpet and want to play at 3am, all of which I was prepared for in theory, but in practice it’s just heightening my anxiety.
I know it’s only been a day, but I’m close to sobbing again today about wanting to take her back to the shelter. I feel like a horrible person— she’s a great cat and there’s nothing wrong with her. I just don’t know if I was emotionally ready to care for a cat and it’s triggering a lot of anxiety for me.
Any advice?

It's normal. Perfectly normal to have this kind of remorse or regret because when you get home the reality hits you. When I dragged a stray and her two kittens in i cried the next day trying to figure out what the heck I had done. And now I can't picture my life without having the gracious Tera grace my home for a few weeks before she went off to be adopted and her kits Frog and Toad that are forever here.
You know I've heard new mothers say the same thing ( nearly ) about their newborns. It's overwhelming to have a new living thing to care for but the rewards far outweigh the bad. Sometimes we need to be told our anxiety is normal for a situation. Love her and the rest will work itself out even if there are some bends and turns. There are no perfect pets and no perfect humans.

 

[NovaKitty76]

I felt the same way when we got our first! I was scared we had made a huge mistake. I didn't think that I would ever be able to sleep through the night ever! She is my first pet and I would lay awake in terror thinking she would attack me in my sleep.

Now I can't imagine life without her! I can't imagine not having a cat in my home. It has done wonders for my anxiety everytime I look at her I just get so happy!

It took us a while to get to this point. It's hard to remember in the moment but nothing lasts forever. What you are going through right now is not what you will feel in a few days. Give it some time. You both will get used to each other. I really think that after a while you won't be able to imagine a life without her.

 

[lre17]

I hear you-same thing happened to me when I got my first two boys (and I grew up with cats). Don't be too hard on yourself and give it some time. Stock up on good cat stuff (a scratching post/tree, toys, treats etc.) and get her to a vet to give her the once over (knowing that she is healthy might make you feel better). I know when I got my boys it was a bit of a surprise and I didn't have the right supplies which didn't help. Arming yourself with the right tools could help with your anxiety. Also if you are not already seeing someone to help you with your anxiety please consider it. I was so stressed about my cats I started going to therapy and it has helped me so much. Just breath and be kind to yourself

 

[Lari]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I was a new cat owner, too. I had been talking about it for months and the kitten caught my eye on the TNR's petfinder page and suddenly it was a whirlwind three days and I was meeting her foster and bringing her home.

I knew she'd be shy and I'd have to be patient with her. But oh it broke my heart when she cried the entire first night, especially because she had to be in my room since it was the only one with a door. She didn't want me there and clearly she wanted to go back to the foster home and I was basically the worst.

She's one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Every day got a little better, and now 6.5 months later, she acts like she's been here forever and she gives me joy every day. I'm so glad I was patient with her. She's my kitty heart.

Give it a bit of time. I don't think you'll keep regretting it.

 

[happilyretired]

I'm going to be the outlier here because your post really disturbed me. If your degree of anxiety has you 'close to sobbing,' it might be that you are correct and you are not emotionally ready for a cat at this time. That's nothing to be ashamed of. The most important issue right now is your own health and well being and that of the cat.

You correctly note that the cat is behaving normally, but since this normal cat behavior is triggering your anxiety, I suspect there is more involved in terms of your own emotional stability. While it may sound dreadful, returning the cat may be the best thing for both of you.

Only you can tell what's best in this situation, and I wish you well in making a good decision.

 

[LAL]

I waited for almost 5 years after moving to where I could have a cat before I felt ready for one. I still felt anxious for weeks after adopting. It wasn't the responsibility that worried me--I knew I was able to handle the physical upkeep--feeding, litter changes, etc. I worried if she would be happy and like her home with me. I knew this was [and still is] a part of my struggle with anxiety and depression. It is how I am.

Your cat will be happy if it is fed, has its litter changed, gets the level of snuggling that IT wants, and has playtime. You will become more comfortable as time goes on and you gain confidence. I am still learning 6 months post-adoption, but I know my girl is much better off than in the shelter--where she'd been for nearly a year. It will get better. You will both adjust and attach to each other.

There is no perfect time; sometimes, you feel as connection and have to take the plunge. You will both be better for this impulse.

 

[lalagimp]

If I had tried to adopt my 8 year old cat NOW, just as he is as an 8 year old, I might be at my wit's end, too.
But I've known him since he was a kitten, and his antics still amaze me but I'm not ready to put anything past him. He's always going to one up himself and leave me thinking that maybe I don't have this mom thing down at all. Last night he was up on the curtain rod and almost pulled it out of the wall. We've lived here for over a year and a half, and since last month... this fascination with the curtains. He'll also climb up my shelves in the bathroom and knock my wig over and go into my medicine cabinet. This started in January. He's furious about going through my subscription boxes from Chewy.com and CatLadyBox before I can even document the contents for my blog. He'll grab a donut out of your hand because all donuts have tasty carbs that belong to the Tom. He's an amazing little terror, and we lub him. I don't think a regular cat person could handle him if I weren't around, but his dad is phenomenal.
I've had cats for about ten years, and there is a learning curve, and that's why you have support groups like this around. I had countless times I would ask my partner to explain to me what things with their eyes, ears, and tail meant as well as when they got ticky skin rolling. I've been explaining it to his kids for years. They're pretty confident now.
Cats can be rewarding, if you can stay calm and soak up everything you can instead of letting it freak you out. And every few months I'm convinced I can be doing something better than the way that I've been doing it, and feeling dumb for not having done it before.

Or you can step back from this situation and let them find her a different home, and you can start with something else for awhile as a companion like a pair of guinea pigs, or rats, or a hamster. I did all of those before I brought my first stray cats home.

Honestly - This week something just snapped in my brain and I'm having my midlife crisis currently. I wonder if all these guys should be with someone else. It's irrational, there's nothing wrong with them, or with me, or our family, and everyone is fed, and stimulated, and has an enriching environment. I'm just going to breathe.

 

[Caspers Human]

You are anxious because you are a thoughtful person who cares about animals.

Some people have cats because it suits them but the don't truly care about the cat except what it can do for them.

You, on the other hand, want the companionship, fun and joy that a cat can bring to a home but you also take your responsibility as a pet owner seriously. You haven't even had the cat for a whole day and you are already thinking about its health and well-being.

You are exactly the kind of person who SHOULD have a cat.

 

[NovaKitty76]

This! This is how I feel about it as well!

 

[danteshuman]

I know it can be stressful. I would suggest calling the shelter, doing the hints they say & give her at least 1 month. My boys love the cardboard scrathers ... though I still sometimes catch my punk scratching the carpeted staircase I clap my hands at him and yell "Dante NO!!!" He stops and runs a few feet .... I guess even angry I'm not scary He is 10 and was 5 or 6 when I moved in to this home with the carpeted stairs. Cats are trainable ... my punk is just well a punk. My other sweet cat behaves and uses the scrathers. So I'm betting your cat is trainable

Lastly I would add that cats are super sensitive to our emotions. If you are stressed; she will be stressed. So please take a few breaths. I panic every time I have a MS attack and get insomnic. I play mind numbing silly computer games to distract myself. Ever since my first attack in 1999 I have not been able to stress about money or things at work. Compared to will I be able to type, walk, see ... etc. every day worries pale in comparison. I do not know your story but I would suggest seeking joy in the little things. Bird watching and gardening bring me joy, so every day for at least 10 minutes I watch the birds in my backyard. The other thing I do is think of the worst case scenario, think about what I can do, then realize even in the worst case scenario I will be OK (just maybe stressed/unhappy for a while.) If you can't be calm, pretend you are calm around her while she acclimates. Please remember she lost her home & her human(s)..... then she was placed in a scary (hopefully nice) kitty jail where she didn't know any of the other cats ... and then some lady she hopes is nice, took her to a weird place she has never been before.