Adopted a new cat and need help please

Halsia

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Hi,

If this is the wrong spot to post this, I'm sorry. I just could really use some help.

I lost my cat Tiberius at the beginning of February. He died of lung cancer and it happened so fast. The grief struck me hard but I started to feel better and get back to routine plus taking care of my other cat Sirrius. What helped me was that I believed that Tiberius came to say goodbye to me afterwards. He let me know he wasn't hurting anymore and that we'd be okay.

I felt better and began to get curious about other cats(big cat lover!). I thought really hard about the next step. It wasn't something I took lightly. I believed I was ready to adopt another cat. So to the humane society I went and came back with Casimir. He crawled into my arms and I was so excited to start another cat journey(currently on my lap). Not to say I was over Tiberius. I knew I would always miss him. Nor was I replacing him. Casimir is his own cat and I'm looking forward to building my relationship with him. And help build a relationship between Sirrius and Casimir.

But my problem. As much as I thought things through, I forgot to account for how I'd feel with having a "new" second cat in my apartment. All the memories and feelings from Tiberius just walloped me. I'd never before brought a cat into my home where I'd lost one(my first cat passed after I'd left home). I'm very confused right now. Has anybody ever experienced this? Do you have any advice on how to proceed?
 

Xraystyle

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I don't really have any useful advice, but maybe I've been experiencing something similar. I recently adopted a new cat after having been without one for some years and even after all that time (like 8 years), I catch myself calling my new cat (Puar) by my old cat's name (Tiger Lily) because he has a similar body type to hers. I'd had Tiger Lily since I was a kid, so saying her name and all the pet names that went along with it is sort of ingrained in me. The way I lost Tiger Lily was one of the biggest reasons why I waited so long to get another cat, so to be calling Puar by the wrong name sometimes dredges up those bad memories and gives me terrible anxiety about it happening again.

I guess it will just take time...? I have no answers other than don't be afraid to feel your feelings.
 

Margret

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When we lose a cat, our emotions are rather complex. We grieve, of course. We usually feel guilty (regardless of whether we actually could have done anything differently). Sometimes we're shamed by people around us, for caring so much about the death of a "mere" cat. And all sorts of things can trigger our emotions - a new toy that the lost cat would have loved, a remnant of fur in a cat brush, the glimpse of a favorite napping spot, a "meow" that sounds familiar, a movement in the corner of our eye, anything.

And grieving is the same for all of us (it hurts), and it's different for each of us, as individual as we are, and as individual as the lost cat was.

It sounds to me like you have two issues:
  1. You're discovering that you're not as "over" the loss of Tiberius as you thought you were - you still have some grieving to do.
  2. You've made a commitment to Casimir, whom you love, but now you're discovering that Casimir's presence is triggering grieving about Tiberius, and you're afraid that this will damage your relationship with Casimir. You're also afraid that you made a mistake adopting Casimir so soon after the death of Tiberius, and are probably wondering whether you should return Casimir to the shelter.
I wish to direct your attention to this thread: Grieving. In the first post you'll find three rules of thumb about grieving; here is a brief summary (there's a good deal more detail in the thread):
  1. It hurts as much as it hurts.
  2. It takes as long as it takes.
  3. The only way to the other side is straight through the middle. Any attempt to take a shortcut or to avoid grieving entirely will only ensure that you never complete it.
You already know that Casimir isn't at fault for reminding you of Tiberius, but you still feel that this reminder is something to be avoided, that it's bad for you because it reminds you of your loss. But it sounds to me like you had convinced yourself that you were done grieving when you really weren't, so Casimir is doing you a huge favor by calling your attention to the fact that you still need to complete the process. Casimir is a therapy kitten (whether or not that was ever his intention, or yours). He's forcing you to pay attention to your emotions, to your loss, and that's incredibly important, no matter how painful it may be. Honor Casimir for the lesson he's teaching you, as you also honor Tiberius, and your loss, and your commitment to the future in the person of Casimir. And go ahead and grieve, at the same time as you learn again to delight in a kitten, and as you forge this new relationship. It will be all the stronger for growing out of this incredibly complex and painful process, and as you go through the process of grieving you will also heal your heart and become a healthier, happier, and wiser person, with a wonderful cat named Casimir.

For Tiberius: 💔 :rbheart:
For Sirrius: :heartshape:
For Casimir: :bouquet:
For you: :hugs:

Margret
 
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Halsia

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Yes, I think that's it. I'm also worried that Casimir isn't the right fit for me after all. I thought he picked me at the shelter but now I'm thinking he just wanted out. I made him a safe spot in my bathroom but he has just spent the entire night meowing/crying to get out. I could hear him over my regular sound machine and fan as well as an extra sound machine, fan and ear plugs. I got no sleep. He doesn't want to be cooped up but this has to last at least two weeks in respect to my older cat...
 

Joan M

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If you have to keep them separated, maybe one can be in the bedroom with you and the other can have the rest of the house/apartment.
And everything Margret said was perfect. I just got another cat after my last one, Reuben, passed in June, and the first couple of times I heard her scratch in the litter box, I cried for Reuben. (until my golden retriever came over and climbed into my lap, because he can't stand it when I'm sad 💖)
 

jefferd18

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Yes, I think that's it. I'm also worried that Casimir isn't the right fit for me after all. I thought he picked me at the shelter but now I'm thinking he just wanted out. I made him a safe spot in my bathroom but he has just spent the entire night meowing/crying to get out. I could hear him over my regular sound machine and fan as well as an extra sound machine, fan and ear plugs. I got no sleep. He doesn't want to be cooped up but this has to last at least two weeks in respect to my older cat...



This is a very sad conclusion that you have arrived at, and frankly, a flawed one in my view.

Please let me elaborate more:

Casimir wanting to get out of small room is in no way an indication that he doesn't want to be with you, in fact, quite the contrary, as he probably would been much happier snuggling with his new human friend then staying shut up, alone, in a bathroom. Since you got him from a shelter, I would say that poor guy has had enough with being cooped up.

And I don't understand what you mean by: "I thought he picked me at the shelter but now I'm thinking he just wanted out" Cats don't think like that- they don't think about what is in it for them. The reason he took to you was because he TRUSTED you, and gaining any cat's trust is not an easy feat.

Yes, you might lose some sleep because that is the price one sometimes pays when adopting a new furry friend. Things will eventually settle down.

Please, if you want Casimir to be your friend, then treat him like a friend. He has feelings.
 
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Katie M

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Yes, I think that's it. I'm also worried that Casimir isn't the right fit for me after all. I thought he picked me at the shelter but now I'm thinking he just wanted out. I made him a safe spot in my bathroom but he has just spent the entire night meowing/crying to get out. I could hear him over my regular sound machine and fan as well as an extra sound machine, fan and ear plugs. I got no sleep. He doesn't want to be cooped up but this has to last at least two weeks in respect to my older cat...
When I got Selene, I initially kept her in the bathroom as well, because of Charlie. At night though, I would take her into my bedroom and shut the door. Maybe you should let Casimir sleep with you?
 

Dario the GreyCat

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The pain you feel when they leave just reminds us how deeply they were loved. I’m sorry for your loss of Tiberius. It’s crippling to lose them.
It sounds like Casimir wants to be with you, it is emotionally hard to remember Tiberius and to be reminded that he’s continued his journey over rainbow bridge. Maybe Casimir is here to help you move through this grief. Give yourself time; it’s still new, and this is pain that if you don’t feel now you will feel later. The more you try to avoid it the harder it holds onto your heart.
If you start to doubt yourself, sit in the bathroom with Casimir or bring him to your bedroom as others have suggested. I’m certain he’d be thrilled for the company and you could use the comfort.
 

Krienze

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I have also lost my cat at the beginning of February. It was hard. It felt like being gut-punched. As silly as it sounds, I think I also developed a form of PTSD over it because of the WAY I lost her and how hard I tried to save her. I'd rather not get into that here on this post though, so I'm going to stick to the point.

About a week and a half after CiCi passed, I started to weigh if I was ready to adopt another cat. The idea was hard for me, because I felt really guilty about even considering and then I realized... when we got CiCi, we adopted her to give her a home after Oliver passed, to be a friend to our Isabel, and to be a new joy in our lives and to give her a good life herself. I realized that while it hurt, the idea of saving a new life was comforting to me. So we went to petsense.

We had already looked at kittens, mind you. We knew who we wanted to see.

Who we wanted to see was NOT who we came home with. Nope.

When we got there, Jasper stuck his paw through the bars. He was loud, adamant. He wanted out, but he wanted us. I could FEEL that he picked us and I think if you felt that then that's what happened for you, too. I think you thinking he just wanted out is probably more you second guessing your choices as opposed to them actually being true.

Work on introducing your two cats, because you can't just keep him cooped up. That's not fair to him. But it's also HURTING YOU.

Hear me out -- by you keeping him in the bathroom, you are solidifying the problem YOU HAVE. You're grieving and him being in the house is making you think of your other cat, but by locking him in the bathroom you're not really allowing any new memories to take root or form. You adopted him and you made a commitment to him. Open your heart and let him come help you heal.
 

Margret

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Krienze Krienze , my sympathy for your loss. 💔 :rbheart: I'm glad you have Jasper :catlove:, and I'm sure he's a joy in your life, but please don't neglect doing your grief work for CiCi. You may find this thread to be helpful on that score: Grieving.

Margret
 
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