Accidental Kitten Death - My Fault

smitheryb

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Sorry if this is the wrong forum to post this in but I would greatly appreciate the perspective advice for those of you with a lot of experience dealing with kittens/cats.

Short story: a week and a half ago I was walking through my house at 3AM in the dark and I accidentally stepped on my 9 week old kitten's head, killing her. I thought she was in her secure area but I guess she figured out how to escape. The scene was gruesome, skull cracking sounds, blood, shrill meows, etc. I am so sorry and I feel like the biggest piece of crap in the world. I know I cannot take it back and it doesn't help, but I'm aware that what I did was absolutely terrible and I'm devastated, embarrassed, and so ashamed of myself for my negligence. I wrapped her in a blanket and drove to the nearest 24 hr vet clinic. En route I heard her aspirating on her blood, I tried chest compressions while driving with my free hand to no avail. She let her bowels loose a couple minutes prior to entering the clinic parking lot and was lifeless by the time I entered the clinic door.

Prior to this I was not a "cat person" or even a pet person. She was my first kitten and pet, and I actually took her in unwillingly. I ran into a homeless guy whose kitten had a litter of 5 kittens and he was planning on taking them to a shelter if he didn't find homes for them. So, I went ahead and brought one home.

She was with me for 3 weeks. After week 1 I was pretty set on taking her to a shelter: she wreaked havoc to my furniture, refused to use the litter box, wouldn't eat, didn't sleep at reasonable times, etc. By week 2 I adored this lil girl though. She was curious, rambunctious, sweet, intelligent, and I looked forward to ending long work days cuddling with her on the couch and catching up on Netflix. She helped me with my anxiety IMMENSELY.

I work in healthcare. I've rotated in ICU's, I've worked in level I trauma bays and seen gunshot wounds to the face, hammer saw accidents resulting in limb loss, propane tank explosions leaving patients looking like a charred remain of their previous self, and everything in between. I've ran codes before and I've grown used to the feeling/sound of an individual's rib cage cracking beneath my hands as I perform chest compressions.

What I'm saying is, gore and blood don't disturb me much. The scene of the kitten's death was tough and is still vivid in my mind, but that is not the main thing bothering me. What bothers me is the fact I cut short a kitten's future life. I know this kitten was going to grow into a sweet and wonderful cat that would spend her days playing, eating, cuddling, and scratching the hell out of all my furniture. I wanted that for her, badly. Now she can't have that because I ****ed up.

I was wondering: where do I go from here?
 

1 bruce 1

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First, I am so, so sorry this happened and you're going through this.
Second, kittens are Houdini and can escape from a hermetically sealed areas. I've had them escape overnight and woke up to kittens having tore things up, knocked things over, and completely proud of themselves for it.
Humans can usually understand what's happening to them, if they're conscious. Young children and animals cannot, which IMO is why this is so hard. A human can be in serious pain yet know what's happening and if it's bad or not whereas a kitten cannot.
It was an accident. You didn't do this on purpose and had no malicious intent. I understand that feeling and it's easier to give advice than to take it but it was an accident...plain and simple.
Where you go from here depends on your status. You said you weren't even really an animal person but grew to love this kitten in a short time. A donation to a humane society in the kittens name, or a cat rescue group. Creating a little memorial for her might help (indoors or out) can sometimes help even though it sounds kind of fortune-cookie-ish =)
If it's within your time or means, some day, you might find yourself volunteering at a shelter, rescue, or fostering. Kittens can be time consuming or demanding but sometimes adult cats are less worry and less work....and adult cats are usually pretty hard up for a foster home and a second chance.
I hope with time that vivid memory will be erased and replaced with the realization that this horrible accident could be used for good to help other cats...always remembering that it was she who started the chain reaction of good you can do.
So sorry.
 

KarenKat

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I'm so sorry this happened to you and your girl. You sound very empathetic, loving and caring, and it is obvious how terrible you must feel for this pure random accident that occurred. It was not your fault, and it is just sad for everyone.

Try and imagine what you would tell a friend who had gone through what you are. I am sure you would feel no blame or accusations for them and would only feel sorrow and sympathy that they are in pain. In the short time you two had together, that little kitten loved you and you two had a wonderful bond. I know it's hard, but try and focus on the 3 short weeks you spent improving her life. I'm so sorry for your loss. :hearthrob:
 

1 bruce 1

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I'm so sorry this happened to you and your girl. You sound very empathetic, loving and caring, and it is obvious how terrible you must feel for this pure random accident that occurred. It was not your fault, and it is just sad for everyone.

Try and imagine what you would tell a friend who had gone through what you are. I am sure you would feel no blame or accusations for them and would only feel sorrow and sympathy that they are in pain. In the short time you two had together, that little kitten loved you and you two had a wonderful bond. I know it's hard, but try and focus on the 3 short weeks you spent improving her life. I'm so sorry for your loss. :hearthrob:
S smitheryb I hope you're doing well.
 

KimothyAnn

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First, you need to forgive yourself. You did not do this on purpose, and you did make strides to provide a loving and safe home environment for your little furbaby.
I didn't even have a cat until I was 59 years old; avoided having pets for nearly 40 years because I did not want to deal with the emotions, once you lose your pet. But here I am, with 5 formerly feral kittens, and here comes the furr, breakage, expenses and all...they are each and every one worth it.
You have found that out, too. Listen to what your kitten would say to you now: She forgives you she loved you, and she wants you to be loved by another kitten. Go find one that no one else wants, and give that baby the love that she/he deserves. Don't let this discourage you from taking on the risk again. We all need each other!
 
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smitheryb

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First, I am so, so sorry this happened and you're going through this.
Second, kittens are Houdini and can escape from a hermetically sealed areas. I've had them escape overnight and woke up to kittens having tore things up, knocked things over, and completely proud of themselves for it.
Humans can usually understand what's happening to them, if they're conscious. Young children and animals cannot, which IMO is why this is so hard. A human can be in serious pain yet know what's happening and if it's bad or not whereas a kitten cannot.
It was an accident. You didn't do this on purpose and had no malicious intent. I understand that feeling and it's easier to give advice than to take it but it was an accident...plain and simple.
Where you go from here depends on your status. You said you weren't even really an animal person but grew to love this kitten in a short time. A donation to a humane society in the kittens name, or a cat rescue group. Creating a little memorial for her might help (indoors or out) can sometimes help even though it sounds kind of fortune-cookie-ish =)
If it's within your time or means, some day, you might find yourself volunteering at a shelter, rescue, or fostering. Kittens can be time consuming or demanding but sometimes adult cats are less worry and less work....and adult cats are usually pretty hard up for a foster home and a second chance.
I hope with time that vivid memory will be erased and replaced with the realization that this horrible accident could be used for good to help other cats...always remembering that it was she who started the chain reaction of good you can do.
So sorry.
Thank you, 1 bruce 1 1 bruce 1 @Kimothy KarenKat KarenKat for taking the time to read my lengthy post. When I wrote it I was pretty emotional. You were the first people I've shared that story with (I just felt too guilty and embarrassed to tell anyone in my personal life about what happened). Typing it all out was surprisingly therapeutic, and reading your personal cat anecdotes and replies was heartwarming. I'm doing okay on my end, just keeping myself busy with work.

Thank you for your suggestions and advice. Your replies helped me view this as an opportunity to make good out of a rotten situation. On the car ride home the night of her death, I decided a grave was a great way to honor her. Then my landlord stumbled upon me - tearful, in my flip flops, with a flashlight and garden trowel, digging on apartment property at 4AM (which is a ridiculous story best elaborated on another time). Now I see honoring her by helping out other kittens/cats as another great idea, so I'll look into what opportunities the humane society near me offers. Maybe spending a couple hours there on my off days could eventually lead me to taking in another feline friend at some point in the future. I really hope it does.

I didn't want to return to this forum because I feared (rightfully) angry replies. Thank you for being supportive. I really do appreciate y'all taking the time to read my story and offer your perspectives, encouragement, and advice. I knew Annie for such as short time yet some how this lil fur ball still managed to have a large impact on me. I know it was an accident, and my intentions weren't malicious, but still I keep doing that "would of, could of, should of" thing where I'm imagining different actions I might have taken. I'm optimistic the guilt will fade over time, though. I do feel better today than I did a week ago. I just miss my lil cuddle buddy.

Have a great weekend.
 

maggiedemi

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Oh you poor dear! I'm so sorry. I've stepped on my cats before, but luckily it was usually their foot. It happens, that's why I've learned to do the shuffle walk and try to get everyone else in the house to do the same. Please be kind to yourself, we're human and sometimes these things happen even though we try our best.
 

1 bruce 1

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Thank you, 1 bruce 1 1 bruce 1 @Kimothy KarenKat KarenKat for taking the time to read my lengthy post. When I wrote it I was pretty emotional. You were the first people I've shared that story with (I just felt too guilty and embarrassed to tell anyone in my personal life about what happened). Typing it all out was surprisingly therapeutic, and reading your personal cat anecdotes and replies was heartwarming. I'm doing okay on my end, just keeping myself busy with work.

Thank you for your suggestions and advice. Your replies helped me view this as an opportunity to make good out of a rotten situation. On the car ride home the night of her death, I decided a grave was a great way to honor her. Then my landlord stumbled upon me - tearful, in my flip flops, with a flashlight and garden trowel, digging on apartment property at 4AM (which is a ridiculous story best elaborated on another time). Now I see honoring her by helping out other kittens/cats as another great idea, so I'll look into what opportunities the humane society near me offers. Maybe spending a couple hours there on my off days could eventually lead me to taking in another feline friend at some point in the future. I really hope it does.

I didn't want to return to this forum because I feared (rightfully) angry replies. Thank you for being supportive. I really do appreciate y'all taking the time to read my story and offer your perspectives, encouragement, and advice. I knew Annie for such as short time yet some how this lil fur ball still managed to have a large impact on me. I know it was an accident, and my intentions weren't malicious, but still I keep doing that "would of, could of, should of" thing where I'm imagining different actions I might have taken. I'm optimistic the guilt will fade over time, though. I do feel better today than I did a week ago. I just miss my lil cuddle buddy.

Have a great weekend.
I do feel for you as many of us that have spent years fostering or raising babies of any animal description will lose them to something stupid, something accidental, or a situation that couldn't be re-created if our very lives depended on it.
I don't blame you for not speaking of this to people you know IRL. Sometimes an anonymous post on an internet forum is the best way to get things off your chest.
In my youth, I single handed fostered a litter of adorable kittens and one of them managed escape from my home. He was soon hit by a vehicle...driven by me. I think he was hiding under it, darted out, and was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
You know when you said you haven't told anyone IRL? Me neither.
This has been decades ago. I still occasionally kick myself for this, for not checking knowing a kitten was out there somewhere running around. I understand that guilty feeling and that feeling of "how did this even ****ing (bad words removed by ME!) happen?" It's a 1 in 1,000 thing but when it happens, it hits us hard, and it hurts.
I was already a cat nut when this happened, but this kind of drove me into a world of helping rescues and ferals whenever I can, and knowing that most stray cats only want help and a friend, and don't deserve to be shot/kicked/hit/beaten to "drive them away". I haven't helped them all but I've helped a lot and this instance is kind of that driving force. It's my way of making amends.
Any angry replies don't deserve your time. I understand completely where you're coming from and I hope you'll stick around and post from time to time and perhaps you'll find another cat or kitten in need and will be able to help them, and in turn they will help you continue to heal.
 

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Oh you poor dear! I'm so sorry. I've stepped on my cats before, but luckily it was usually their foot. It happens, that's why I've learned to do the shuffle walk and try to get everyone else in the house to do the same. Please be kind to yourself, we're human and sometimes these things happen even though we try our best.
I agree. Things happen.
Our cat with hyperesthesia, as a kitten, was fascinated by lights and moving shadows. One day, at about 6 months old, he realized attacking shadows on the floor from a closing door on a sunny day was a riot...and one day, inevitably, his paw shot under the exit door to the outside as it closed. We heard a loud screech, flew the door open, and saw him limping off. Nothing was broken thankfully, but his paw swelled to 3 times its size within a day, and he was the subject of a lot of vet care until it healed. He never had problems with it after, but the guilt of shutting what is the equivalent to a baby's hand in a door was terrible.
Kind people care. Kind people understand that kittens and puppies and children are babies and rely on us for everything, and when something horrible happens, we feel horrible even if it was an accident. Those who are happy to throw out judgmental thoughts during these times are in for a hell of a surprise when some day, inevitably, it happens to them.
 

Boris Diamond

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I am so sorry this happened. I have read that this has happened to breeders, too. It can happen to anyone.

When I first got a kitten, I stepped on him, seriously, 20 or 25 times, once leading to a trip to the vet. I could have hurt him seriously, but that didn't happen. Bless the little darlings, they just don't understand about feet.

You did something kind for this kitten by taking him in. You made a mistake, and it has devastated you. You sound like a person with a big heart, evidenced by your being in health care. Be kind to yourself. You would feel sympathy and caring for a friend to whom this had happened. Be that forgiving to yourself. We have much experience with cats and kittens on this board and we understand how these things can happen, heartbreaking as they are. I wish we could all give you a group hug. I will say a prayer for you and I send you all my best wishes. :hearthrob:
 

1 bruce 1

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I am so sorry this happened. I have read that this has happened to breeders, too. It can happen to anyone.

When I first got a kitten, I stepped on him, seriously, 20 or 25 times, once leading to a trip to the vet. I could have hurt him seriously, but that didn't happen. Bless the little darlings, they just don't understand about feet.

You did something kind for this kitten by taking him in. You made a mistake, and it has devastated you. You sound like a person with a big heart, evidenced by your being in health care. Be kind to yourself. You would feel sympathy and caring for a friend to whom this had happened. Be that forgiving to yourself. We have much experience with cats and kittens on this board and we understand how these things can happen, heartbreaking as they are. I wish we could all give you a group hug. I will say a prayer for you and I send you all my best wishes. :hearthrob:
That the big thing that you mentioned...."You would feel sympathy and caring for a friend to whom this had happened."
It's something good to keep in mind, if this happened to a friend of mine I would feel for them something fierce.
 
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