A Rant

[icoele]

This was originally asking about family advice but it turned into a rant. Sorry.

I'm still in high school and live with my mom, dad, and 3 sisters. My family is extremely dysfunctional, not like physical abuse, but it's just horrible. My dad has anger issues and curses all the time, gets frustrated with us and yells at us. My mom, who is stay at home, tries to take care of everything. She has mental problems like depression, so when my dad is mean like this he can make her cry. In fact, as I'm typing this, she is crying. I am the oldest of 4 children, all girls. My second oldest sister, we'll call her E, she picks out her eyelashes (I did this too, but I stopped, she has been doing this since 3rd grade and she's in 6th grade now), and M, the second youngest (in 3rd grade), I despise. I'll get back to that later. N, the youngest, is 4.

On why I hate M: Though she's the second youngest, she acts younger than N. She throws fits, takes naps, and cries every dang second. Doesn't matter what about. She'll have breakdowns over her homework. My mother treats her as the most important child and I have talked to my mom about this but mother doesn't believe me and won't change anything. E also feels this way, but she still doesn't listen. M is a jerk and bullies me (yes, bullies) and sometimes abuses me. When she was 5 she threw our home phone at me (about the size of a soda can) and when she was 6 she tried to stab me and E's friend with a piece of wood. She broke the door to what used to be her room but is now my room. I had to tape my door back together.  She sings and dances. While I'm trying to do homework, she is belting out songs. When I hear the real song, I laugh because she is so bad. She dances like Miley Cyrus at the VMAs and she's more into make up than I am, and I'm a teenage girl. For her birthday, she got a Naked palette. I got clothes. If I ask Maria to stop she'll blow her tongue at me like the child she is. Since she's so young, everyone I tell say it's just a phase, but this has been going on since she went into school. She provokes me until I say something and I am the only one who ever gets in trouble. My dad says I'm giving her mental damage because when I'm trying to do homework I ask her to stop. All of us except N and my dad are on medications. 

I also have no one to really talk to. I recently made the decision to stop talking to my best friend of 10 years. She was hanging out with underage alcoholics, cheating on her boyfriend(s) (I think she has 3 now), and failing classes. I tried my best to help her but she pushed me away every time, and I finally realized it wasn't worth it to waste my time anymore or risk getting drawn into drugs like she is. My IRL friend moved to Texas last summer, and he's not usually online. He wants me to start dating again, but I broke up with my 2 year girlfriend in April and I'm not sure I'm over it yet. I can't really say I love her still, but I want to live with her and I consider her my best friend.

We've met in real life once, when I was on vacation. A month later, she broke up with me. I went to counseling for months.

So my only confidantes now are you anonymous people on the internet, my online friends, and cats. My one cat Minnow isn't a lovebug by any means, he loves to attack people randomly. He's about a year and a half old, so I'm hoping he'll mellow out eventually, but I wouldn't get rid of him for the world. The shelter cats are the other friends I have, especially River. She reminds me of me, she's always hiding and scared. I'm the one volunteer who focuses my time with her. I'm the only volunteer/employee to my knowledge that can get her to come out of her hidey holes and rub up against you. She even rolls on her back for me. I love her dearly and wish I could take her home, but I'm already trying to convince my dad to do something about this black cat who wanders around my house sometimes. He didn't even want Minnow. He doesn't like cats, he wants a dog. So does E. But Minnow and River and my ex are my best friends.

I've been having troubles with a certain teacher lately. He hates me. He gives ridiculous homework that is far above our grade level. People have tried to get him kicked out of the school system to no avail. He teaches theology in an English class in a public school (which I  don't have a problem with, but I want to be an English teacher and I'd rather learn more about grammar than Adam and Eve, thanks...) which gets him into constant trouble with parents. He'll cuss in class- yesterday he said "You guys need to get your 'act' together" and "Some 'dummy' always messes it up, so I don't say foolproof" and he is very very mean. (The words in quotes were actually cuss words.)  The regular class (us) gets more homework than honors or AP.

This is really unorganized. I'm just saying stuff as it comes to my head, sorry.

I like stuff like drawing, but my parents are worried I'm like a satanist or something because the characters I draw tend to be on the darker side. I love to draw stuff like Mogeko characters ( funamusea.com ) especially Idate (is it sad I'm attracted to the orca?). Also, my parents are very Christian, and I'm not sure, but I'm definitely not Christian. I believe in ghosts and stuff, and I find all creation myths ridiculous. I know you can be Christian and believe in ghosts, but I don't think anyone's my savior. This statement will get some people wondering about my sanity, but I know ghosts are real. I don't know why or how, or if everyone is a ghost, but I know there are some. I'm into shows like Ghost Adventures (though I watch GA because it reminds me of when I watched it with the friend who moved to Texas, and because Aaron is a cutie pie!) and that one show with Amy Allen, Dead Files I think? I'm blanking on the name right now. Also I got into Markiplier recently. My favorite YouTubers have to be RoosterTeeth (the entire company, yeah...) and KaptainLexx. 

Thanks for listening. Sorry again this was so unorganized. I just wanted to vent. Feel free to comment on anything or ask stuff, but I can't give too much info about my personal life away.

 

[margd]

Wow. You have a lot on your plate. I'm so glad you have Minnow to comfort you at home and River for you to love at the shelter. Cats really can help.

Do you have a guidance counselor at school with whom you can discuss these things. It seems to me you need an adult advocate to gently intercede on your behalf about your sister. You really shouldn't have to put up with that. It sounds like this is a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease from your mother who sounds like she is overwhelmed with depression and struggling to cope. Really I think this is a case where family counseling might really help.

As far as your father wanting a dog - getting a dog doesn't necessarily mean you can't have cats, including the neighborhood stray you so kindly want to rescue. We have some great articles on introducing cats and dogs, plus several threads from members who have done so. I'm on my phone so can't link but a search should bring them up.

I haven't begun to touch on everything you mention but you can always PM if you'd like.

Many hugs to you. [emoji]128149[/emoji].

 

[icoele]

My dad really wants a dog instead  of Minnow. I also don't like dogs much, I'm kind of scared of them.

Also, about the counselor thing, the school system already hates me (they thought I lied to the teacher I'm having problems with) and if I go to the school counselor they'll know who I'm talking about. I don't want people to hate me even more because I accidentally said something about them. I'm mostly on my own in classes anyway, and I stay to myself, so having them interfere would be not so good. M also is on anger meds but she doesn't like to take them. She bullies everyone in my family. We aren't the richest and we pay over $1000 per month for our meds and much more than that for M and I's braces. Plus, I live in a really safe neighborhood and I'm scared that I'll get taken away if everything gets laid on the table. I like living where I am, even if no one wants me here, lol...

Thank you for the hugs. Hugs back 

 

[margd]

That would really be terrible if you had to rehome Minnow. You are each other's life line right now. I hope you can persuade your father to let Minnow stay. She was there first and this is her home. Plus she is very important to you and that means a great deal.

Dogs can be scary, it's true if they aren't treated well or if they are in protective mode. Most dogs, however, really want to be friends and hopefully you will find this to be true with a dog, if your Dad gets one. This dog could be another support for you, although of course Minnow will always come first.

I hear what you're saying about the guidance councilor. Do you attend church or temple? That's another source of help. And I totally understand being afraid of foster care - that's a tough one. If you are in the Û.S. you can call 211 in most states and find out what resources are available to you, including hot lines. This is all anonymous.

Take care! You do have a lot going on right now. BTW - I think it's great you volunteer at a shelter!

 

[icoele]

I think Minnow is permanent, but I know my dad doesn't like it. Minnow's a big boy so he gets into some trouble. We might be installing a doggie door for him to the basement because he can't fit through our cat one. 

 I don't go to any religious place, since I'm not really religious. Also, I don't really know if it's just me but I don't like dogs much because they're always like "WOOF! PLAY!!! YAY! FOOD PLAY PLAY WOOF BARK!!!!!!!!" and seem so dang excited! But cats are more like people in the sense they have so much personality. Cats are like me; always wanting to be alone on the outside but really just want some snuggles! 

 

[margd]

Oops! Apologies to Minnow! My poor reading skills let me thinking he was a she.

I'm glad to hear he'll probably be able to stay. Do you have a picture of him? I love your description of cats wanting snuggles inside and how you relate to them.

Great description of dogs, btw. They really can be goofy like that. Sounds like you are really just a cat person. Well, you're certainly in the right place! [emoji]128570[/emoji]

 

[icoele]

Yeah, you can click the gallery in my signature for pictures of him. One of my favorites:

IMG_0606.JPG

• icoele
• Oct 1, 2015

 

[louann jude]

I see you are in Ohio, I am to. If you want a safe person to talk to depending on your area there is a place called Guidestone. I can get more info from my therapist. They do therapy in home and they also do family counseling.  It would be worth a try if you need a person to vent to. 

 

[paula freeman]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that it gets better. I will be praying for you.

 

[icoele]

Everyone was gone, at gymnastics.

M got home and started singing. I asked her to stop, so this happened.

Me: M, please stop.

(no response. still dancing sexually and singing horribly.)

Me: M, please.

(no response. still dancing sexually and singing horribly.)

Me: M, stop.

(no response. still dancing sexually and singing horribly.)

Me: Stop it M.

(no response. still dancing sexually and singing horribly.)

Me: (shouting bc she's gotten louder each time) M!!!!!!

M: Jeez, jerk. (continues)

Me: Seriously M, stop.

(mom comes in)

M: (singsong) Mommyyyyy, (me) yelled at me.

Me: I had to yell because she was being so loud.

Mom: (glares at me)

:\

 

[margd]

Minnow is really a beautiful cat. You can tell he knows he's special. It's like he's saying "On your knees human and worship me!"

Your sister shouldn't be getting away with this but since she is, you need to take control of the situation if possible. It sounds like she is both desperate for attention and trying to goad you into an irritated response she can then use against you. Sibling rivalry at it's worst! The best thing you can do is to completely ignore her when she starts this stuff. When she's behaving, be friendly - a little positive reinforcement sometimes goes a long way. Of course I realize how extremely difficult this will be but she needs to stop getting enjoyment out of bugging you. Ignoring that is the best thing you can do since you're not getting any help from your Mom. It won't work right away but if you hang in there, you should get some results.

Good Luck! [emoji]128570[/emoji]

 

[icoele]

I actually tried that already, twice. I just avoided talking to her. My mom yelled at me.

 

[margd]

You're Mom got mad because you ignored your sister and concentrated on your homework? I'm sure she wants you to get good grades - she needs to recognize you need peace and quiet for that. Isn't there anyway to shut your door on your sister and keep her out of your room?

Do you have a teacher who can help you? Teachers can call parents and ask for parent teacher conferences - a teacher would be the ideal person to point to assignments that have been adversely affected by your lack of a quiet study area.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds very difficult.

 

[icoele]

I just read this now, so "shut the door" is funny. I went to shut the doors in the kitchen where she was singing and she kept reopening so I told her that if she wants to sing loudly she needs to shut the door and if she wants to sing quietly she can have the doors open. She yelled at me, said I was imitating her. I asked "How am I imitating you?" and she goes "MOOOOOM!" Mom says, "Girls, knock it off." I wasn't doing anything...

Now I'm crying. Lovely.

She's still singing.

 

[icoele]

You're Mom got mad because you ignored your sister and concentrated on your homework? I'm sure she wants you to get good grades - she needs to recognize you need peace and quiet for that. Isn't there anyway to shut your door on your sister and keep her out of your room?

Do you have a teacher who can help you? Teachers can call parents and ask for parent teacher conferences - a teacher would be the ideal person to point to assignments that have been adversely affected by your lack of a quiet study area.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds very difficult.

Just noticed this part- I share my room with my sister. It's about 15 x 15 so it's very cramped. We don't have a desk. I have to do homework downstairs. I literally have nowhere to go, so when my dad screams at me "GO SOMEWHERE ELSE IF YOU'RE SO DARN ANNOYED!" it's just kind of like... where do you want me to go? It's quieter outside than inside, and you can hear M singing from outside. Given, our house is old, but her fits get so bad that my friend and neighbor, K, sometimes approaches me at school and says, "I heard a lot of screaming last night. M again?" 

 

[margd]

It sounds awful, it really does. You really need someone to step in on your behalf. You said you take meds - maybe your doctor could say something?

I was afraid you were going to say that about your room, i.e. that it was small and that you had to share it. That does seriously limit your ability to escape from a pesty little sister.

I want to recommend family counseling again. When my daughters were young and while I was still married, this helped my family a great deal. And the counselors looked out for the kids first in every case, which you need.

I hope you can find someone to help you. It is simply unfair that you can't study because your sister won't leave you alone. Hopefully she will outgrow this but going to counseling would help her too. She sounds like she's got a few issues.

Again, take care and try to stay strong!

 

[icoele]

I honestly don't want to because it will make my family even harder to deal with if they take it negatively. Also, having us all in a room would probably never work. We're all on wacky schedules and I don't think I can be around M for more than 30 minutes without getting angry.

Also, here's a video (only audio though) that I just took.

[x]

 

[margd]

Well, I certainly can hear what you're writing about. I still think the best thing you can do is to ignore her when she's making trouble and pay attention to her when she's not. This strategy often works on cats and people! If you don't engage with her while you're studying, eventually she'll get the idea, especially if you pay attention to her at other times.

This is very hard, I know. I wish I could do more. Remember you can always PM me. And give that gorgeous Minnow a kiss from me[emoji]128149[/emoji].

 

[jenny82]

I really hope things get better for you!  Sounds like you are in a very hard situation.  Please remember there are always people willing to help.

Minnow is very pretty!

 

[artiemom]

After reading these posts, I really do want to commend you for trying to make something good out of a very bad situation.

If you do not mind me asking, how old are you? And what grade are you in? Being a teenager is rough enough, and to compound it with a very uneven life situation is even more complicated and can cause such damage to your emotional health  and to your future. I am so proud of you for asking for help.

I will also chime in about the need for you to have an adult, someone, anyone; teacher, school counselor, doctor, a friend's parent, Priest, minister, whom you can confide to~~~ and talk to..

You do not have to be a member of that congregation in order to talk to someone..You do not even have to believe in religion. They are good people who want to help all kinds of people in need. You can just talk...they will listen and and possibly be able to guide you...without involving religion..

I am thinking of things you can do anonymously, without getting your parents in trouble...

It is very important at this point in your life to be able to have someone whom is in closer proximity than we are. 

That can be so helpful. It can be so comforting to you. You need to find some safe space. 

Is there even a church, which you do not belong to, who has a minister you can just pop into and talk to?

Is there a teacher, you had, in a prior school year, whom you felt close to? or trusted?   You could even try visiting them, and asking for some advice. 

You really do need an adult there for you.....or is there a library where you can go to get some peace of mind ~~ do your homework in peace..

Or a Vet where you can donate some time...to help them.. It could work out for the best for you. It would give you some piece of mind to be away from this conflicting situation. 

I am glad Minnow is there for you. Her love will help you, but you need to find someone else who can. I am so glad you can cuddle her....Minnow looks so calming, and beautiful! Even I want to cuddle with her!!

I am just throwing out some ideas.....

while this is a Cat forum, please know that people are caring....