A Huge Hole In My Heart And Home Now....

[cara1970]

After a massive struggle, I had to let my Fred go yesterday. He was my cuddle buddy for 12 years.
I am beyond grief I think, it hurts so much. I'm not sure how I am going to cope now or what I need to do to alleviate the hurt.
I know that we will most likely outlive our pets and this is the law of nature, but that doesn't heal the heart.
Poor Fred lost appetite and came down with a very high fever on the 24th of March and so I took him to the vet first thing on Monday morning where they set him up with an IV and kept him for two days. After that, he came home and was doing fabulous on a prescription of steroids, antibiotics and something for this liver. He was diagnosed with Triaditus. 14 days later after the antibiotics and steroids were reduced the fever came back. Those 14 days were great, he was doing great and the cuddles were even better. It was like he knew though....

Unfortunately, the fever came back and this was how it was for the next week until he was referred to a more sophisticated vet hospital in the city. They stabilised him and tested absolutely everything but one thing came up irregular - his spleen. As it was Easter weekend the test results from his spleen didn't come back until yesterday morning. All this time he was in the ICU 3 hours away and I couldn't see him.
The call with the results came in and it was cancer. Bad cancer. Round cell cancer. Bad news. The vet also said that Fred's fever had returned and he was not well, very quiet and not in a good way. The vet said I could do further tests to find out what kind of cancer it was and where it was exactly, but I just knew in my heart that it was time to let Fred go.
We fought the good fight. He was a real trooper, but it was time to let the suffering end.
Anything I did further to save him was for myself, not him.
So, I drove the three hours to him, heart in my mouth, and spent some time with him before I told them it was time. He lay down on the table and lay his big beautiful head on my arm and just purred. We stayed like that for half an hour, my tears soaking his head as I talked to him. He was purring as they put him to sleep. As they already had an IV line in, he didn't know what was coming, so when the purring stopped, that was his end.
I am beyond grief, every time I think about this last moments. I think I'm traumatised from the last two weeks and from his final moments in my arms. I'm not sure what to do with myself, my guts are in a not, my heart hurts and I cannot stop crying.
We never get enough time.

 

[WinniesMomma]

You're right, it never is enough time. But I think in a way that is what makes our bond much more special. I am so sorry for your loss. You tried everything, and when it came time to release him from pain, you gave him that gift. I had to make that choice with Winnie a few weeks ago. It still doesn't seem real. The pain has lessened but it is still there. Unfortunately that is how I think it will be. But please know you helped him as much as you could, and you spared him anymore suffering. He had a long life with you, it sounds like it was a good one. He will always be with you.

 

[les26]

This one is so very sad but so very much a love story at the same time, I am so sorry that the end has come for him and I know how you feel, you feel as if you too will die and really don't care if you do, but it does get better but it takes a very long time and there is no easy way around it unfortunately. I have talked many times of the homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara, little pills that you put under your tongue without eating or drinking at least 1/2 hour before or after, and also the herb Holy Basil which helps you deal with the stress with a clear mind and they are much better than drugs, but time, love, prayer and mostly time will slowly help heal the hurt.

You did all that you could for him and made the right choice albeit the hardest one, he knew that it was time and was ready and passed peacefully in the arms of the one who loved him so dearly, he is fine now, just fine and you will see him again one day and it will be wonderful.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

 

[cara1970]

That is beautiful.... thank you.

 

[cara1970]

This one is so very sad but so very much a love story at the same time, I am so sorry that the end has come for him and I know how you feel, you feel as if you too will die and really don't care if you do, but it does get better but it takes a very long time and there is no easy way around it unfortunately. I have talked many times of the homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara, little pills that you put under your tongue without eating or drinking at least 1/2 hour before or after, and also the herb Holy Basil which helps you deal with the stress with a clear mind and they are much better than drugs, but time, love, prayer and mostly time will slowly help heal the hurt.

You did all that you could for him and made the right choice albeit the hardest one, he knew that it was time and was ready and passed peacefully in the arms of the one who loved him so dearly, he is fine now, just fine and you will see him again one day and it will be wonderful.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

That is beautiful.... thank you. Very soothing words. It helps to be on this site with like minded people too. I will check about the Ignatia Amara and holy basil. Anything at all right now would be a bonus - the hurt is big! My last cat who passed left me a little sign three days later, so I'm hoping Freddy does too. I found it to be very healing knowing they are still here spiritually.

 

[les26]

That is beautiful.... thank you. Very soothing words. It helps to be on this site with like minded people too. I will check about the Ignatia Amara and holy basil. Anything at all right now would be a bonus - the hurt is big! My last cat who passed left me a little sign three days later, so I'm hoping Freddy does too. I found it to be very healing knowing they are still here spiritually.

I am glad it helped, there will be many more soothing replies on here as these folks are wonderful and we have all felt that awful pain and stress and anxiety and depression when one of our babies passes.

The Ignatia helps with very acute trauma, shock and grief, that one would be very good, don't touch the pills but pour them into the cap and just toss them under your tongue and let them dissolve, they work well, and take as much as the bottle says, more is not better. The Holy Basil will help you deal with the stress, it has a calming mind effect, you know the stress is still there but it lets you deal with it better, it was recommended to me after Sebastian passed in my arms 11/15, very sudden and catastrophic but these helped as did time and 3 months later getting Sylvester, when he passes I think I might too, he represents so so much to me but I know one day he too will leave me but I try not to think about that right now....

And I am certain that when the time is right another one in need will find you, you have too much love and heart not to parent another little one....

 

[di and bob]

You did everything you could, and much more than most. Of course you hurt, it always hurts so bad when you lose one that you love so much......
In these early days there is not much you can do to help with the pain. Your soul must grieve, and although time will help, it takes a long time to heal a broken heart. You never get over a broken heart, you learn a new life's order to live with it. I found that with the last three deaths I have gone through, to go to my local shelter and make a donation in my loved one's name helps me to feel a little better about myself by helping another little one realize love too and find a home. I pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest. I know they would aprove.
Talk to Fred, tell him how much you love him and how empty your house and your heart is. He will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers, and though it is hard to imagine it now, he is, and always will be, close by. That is because year by year you built a bond with him, link by link of love. A bond that can never be taken from you, love is spiritual, so eternal. "Death cannot take that which never dies" and one day you will know in your heart that is true.
Your soul is shattered right now, the pain is almost more than you can bear. But you are stronger than you know, you were strong enough to end Fred's pain, and a future full of more, with the help of that strength born of love. And trhat same love will get you through this.
The greatest gift of love you can give someone is to treasure the legacy they leave you. To keep them in your life so they can live through you with the help of your precious memories. Try not to dwell on the end, it brings nothing but pain, and you know, just as you yourself would want, he would not want to bring such pain into your life. Take that love and let it grow and bloom by offering it to others. Share his love, don't hide it in a dark cold place full of pain. Concentrate on his love, on his goodness, on the joy he brought to your life. It is so much more important.
I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could tell you it will be alright. All I can do is to tell you you are not alone. There are legion here that have gone down the same path. Although your world will never be the same, Fred made itr a better place, and that you will have forever.
Don't bottle up all those feelings. Surround yourself with those who understand and who will share your pain. For now, stay away from those who don't. A burden shared is a burden lessened and we are always here if you need to talk. No one can fully understand yoru pain, because the love you shared is yours alone. But it doesn't mean they can't empathize because trehy have been there. Take care of yourself, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
RIP precious Fred. You will be always missed, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[betsygee]

I'm very sorry to read about Fred. You did absolutely everything you could for him, and he passed on knowing how much you loved him.

RIP, sweet boy.

 

[will2002]

As the old sayin' goes, "Been there, done that". As a matter of fact, just last week my wife lost her 11 yo Siamese "Toby" after a sudden illness. Had forgotten how bad the hurt could be!

I'm truly sorry you had to let Fred go, however knowing from experience there is a fate MUCH worse than death, let me share a little experience of mine. On 10-15-2001 I was involved in a Motorcycle/SUV wreck caused by a soccer mom visiting on her cell phone while "driving". Not at fault, but none the less I was the one totally busted up. This little crash caused me to be in and out of the hospital and rehab for the better part of two years, and still carry loads of pain with me all these years later.

cara1970, you made the brave decision to end Fred's suffering. That is something that is very difficult to do for our animal friends...and not even an option for us humans. I don't know whether not having that "way out" would be good or bad, or right or wrong, however remembering the awful, never ending pain has forever changed my outlook on death. I actually prayed every night for months just to die it hurt so bad!

Fred is resting easy now. No pain, no worries. I sincerely hope you can find inner peace and comfort eventually... knowing that it doesn't come quickly or easily.

 

[will2002]

A

 

[FeebysOwner]

There are no words, beyond what the others have said that I can convey to you. So sorry for the loss of your cuddle buddy.

He is still nonetheless, your cuddle buddy in heart and spirit. RIP Fred.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Fred, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

No, we never get enough time. Where there is love, an eternity is not long enough. BUT...where there is love, an eternity is what we are given. This is what I know to the depths of my being...love does not die, it only changed form and continues on, still Love. And Love abides, always and forever, Love abides. Although you desperately miss Fred's physical presence, that part of him that is Love is with you still. He will never leave your side.

 

[Leomc123]

I am so sorry for your loss of fred The hardest decision in life is to free a friend from suffering when you want to hold them in your arms forever, and to be with you alive forever. You did all that was possible to do, and the most important thing is that you love him with all your heart as fred loves you. He will be with you comforting you from the heavens above even though he is not here physically he will be around you and its hard to believe this but it is true. The feeling of you emotionally drowning and the heavy chested feeling is your heart being broken and devastation and you will get through this, it takes time, but nothing will take away the love and bond that you both share. He is at peace now , but he will be around to help you mend your heart.

 

[cara1970]

I cannot thank all of you enough for the emotional support you have given me. Such amazing words, they made me cry, but in a cathartic way.

I thanked Fred last night for keeping me in Ireland. I would've left long ago, but for the fact that he was here and he hated to travel so I stayed. I stayed in Ireland and in a bad relationship which eventually mended. I stayed because I couldn't leave Fred behind, and as a result, I mended a marriage.

Before his decline in health appeared, I had a few dreams where Fred was lost, and I couldn't find him. In my dream I was devastated because wherever I looked, I couldn't find him. Then I would wake up with relief to find him sleeping beside me or at the end of the bed. These dreams started just 6 weeks ago. That horrible desperate feeling in those dreams is now my reality. I find it strange how this happened before he got ill.

Also, when I brought Fred's remains home and was preparing to get him ready for his little grave, as I walked past the kitchen, a light flickered and buzzed over the oven which hasn't flickered before, or since. I don't know what peoples thoughts are about this but I found it curious.

Again, I want to thank everyone for all their comforting words, you truly are a blessing and a real lifeline in these hard times. I am really trying to connect my pragmatic self with my emotional heart and make it accept that this is just the cycle of life, that he couldn't live forever, that this day would always come. But, my heart is still resisting. I hope these intense agonising feelings ease soon.

 

[Leomc123]

i was at work yesterday sitting on the balcony and out of nowhere this bee came to me like it wanted to sit on my head, but in surprise i shewed it away and though funny, there is no flowers anywhere in sight and in this area. And i said to myself maybe its leo in bee form saying hello " i shrugged that thought" . Then today my sisters kids came over to visit as its a public holiday today, and the first thing her son said to me , i see a bee a bee, and im like yeah theres a bee , i am looking around there isnt a bee anywhere, and he says , the bee is watching you , and im like yeah . Im like what the hell, i didn't say anything about a bee to him from yesterday.

Since leo and mc died i have had strange things happen, which i have mentioned in other threads. So it does happen

 

[cara1970]

You're right, it never is enough time. But I think in a way that is what makes our bond much more special. I am so sorry for your loss. You tried everything, and when it came time to release him from pain, you gave him that gift. I had to make that choice with Winnie a few weeks ago. It still doesn't seem real. The pain has lessened but it is still there. Unfortunately that is how I think it will be. But please know you helped him as much as you could, and you spared him anymore suffering. He had a long life with you, it sounds like it was a good one. He will always be with you.

Just realised I commented on your post on another page. Thank you for your kind words. How are you feeling now? I'm still intensely upset but it is so comforting to know others go through the same devastating feelings

 

[WinniesMomma]

Also, when I brought Fred's remains home and was preparing to get him ready for his little grave, as I walked past the kitchen, a light flickered and buzzed over the oven which hasn't flickered before, or since. I don't know what peoples thoughts are about this but I found it curious.

I honestly believe our loved ones can show us signs after they have passed. The night after Winnie passed, I heard a noise against the wall like she used to make when she would wake me up. Years ago I had a cat, Kitty, that used to go in our bathroom cupboard. The night he passed I heard a distinct noise of the bathroom cupboard door thumping..I checked and there was nothing there. A day after my mom passed I was in a store and the song "Sugar Shack" came on. My mom used to jokingly call a previous house the sugar shack. I had never heard that song before or since.

Just realised I commented on your post on another page. Thank you for your kind words. How are you feeling now? I'm still intensely upset but it is so comforting to know others go through the same devastating feelings

Thank you. I am doing okay. I have moments, and obviously I am of course still sad. But I am not crying myself to sleep or waking up and crying realizing she is gone anymore. But grief is different for everybody, and there is no right or wrong amount of time to feel certain feelings. I hope the good memories can soon outweigh the sad feelings for you.

 

[cara1970]

I honestly believe our loved ones can show us signs after they have passed. The night after Winnie passed, I heard a noise against the wall like she used to make when she would wake me up. Years ago I had a cat, Kitty, that used to go in our bathroom cupboard. The night he passed I heard a distinct noise of the bathroom cupboard door thumping..I checked and there was nothing there. A day after my mom passed I was in a store and the song "Sugar Shack" came on. My mom used to jokingly call a previous house the sugar shack. I had never heard that song before or since.



Thank you. I am doing okay. I have moments, and obviously I am of course still sad. But I am not crying myself to sleep or waking up and crying realizing she is gone anymore. But grief is different for everybody, and there is no right or wrong amount of time to feel certain feelings. I hope the good memories can soon outweigh the sad feelings for you.

I really really hope so.... When I woke up today, I was pragmatic and logical about his death. Then as I woke up some more, my heart took over and WHAM, tears again! Will this ever end! It is soooo painful, the wound in my chest from a broken heart. I could live without that pain and be happy just getting a little sad at his loss. I hope that comes soon...
Chemotherapy was not an option. It would've only extended his life by a few months, and he would've hated the 3 hour drive twice a week. He was already on the way down again with another fever, but I still have doubts if I did the right thing. At the time, I was absolutely sure it was the right thing. He looked absolutely miserable!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Darlin, we don't really get OVER our losses, we just get THROUGH them. But with time, the pain is just an ache, not a searing, tearing, open wound. It will come. When? When it does, and so slowly you will only see it happening in retrospect. Little by little, if you allow it, the happy memories will outweigh the sad ones.

Of course you have doubts now. That's a very human reaction. It's wrong...You did the VERY BEST THING for your Dear Friend, but it is human. Be at peace with that decision. Know that Fred blesses you for helping him shrug off that heavy coat of flesh and fur that could no longer support his loving heart and great spirit.

 

[WinniesMomma]

Yes, that sadness can really hit you, I know. You did the right thing. It wouldn't be fair to let him suffer and to prolong that. As Mamanyt said, we do just get through them, and it takes time.