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- Jan 15, 2017
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Thursday evening my ex and I had to put down the cat we adopted 10 years ago and I've taken sole care of her the last 1 1/2 years. She was my little bestie and the sweetest tempered cat I've known. She was about 13-14, and had developed very aggressive lymphoma; her lymph nodes were very enlarged and so was her liver. It had gotten severe quite quickly. Within weeks she went from normal to lethargic/loss of appetite (at first we thought IBD as she has a short history of that) but then increasing signs of dying, even with steroids in the final 10 days and urgent trips back and forth to the vet. Without responding to the steroids, and still getting worse overnight on an IV and going jaundice, vomiting, not eating, and losing life every hour... we didn't have much of a choice. Trying to keep her alive would seem cruel at that point. Still, the decision eats at me these 2 days later, though perhaps I'm just deeply frustrated it did not appear to be a very treatable case of cancer.
This is my second thread in this section, as two years ago we had the shock of our 2 year old cat Moony dying of congenital heart disease (my avatar has both of them, the tabby Moony, the tuxedo Allie). I'm now left (temporarily) without a companion at home.
Allie was a stray we found in July 2009 at our parking spot just weeks after getting our first apartment together. She was skinny, losing fur and likely would have died had we not taken her in. In fact, after feeding her for a couple days, she excitedly followed my gf all the way to our apartment. It was one of the cutest things Ive ever seen. She was so frail we thought she was a kitten/young adult, but she was actually 3-4 years old and filled that frame out quickly under our care. The next few years involved a lot of vet expenses with emergency trips, specialists, allergies, a long time using atopica (eventually got weened off) and worry about her health, but then it all leveled out within a few years and she had mostly good health all the way until now.
Even now, her bloodwork and pancreas had tested normal. This also partly angers me as how cruel cancer can be... an otherwise healthy creature that all of a sudden just withers away rapidly. Some cancers grow more slowly and can be fended off for some time, but this was rapid.
I'm trying not to torture myself over the decision, as the loss itself is difficult enough. I just have so much of her in my heart. Every time I step into or out of my home, I think of Allie. I always joked when coming back from going out for a day, "I'm about to get yelled at" as she had a funny habit of letting me know how unacceptable it is that I left for so long. In fact, even if I sat still in one place for a long time, she'd do the same thing. She'd walk in to the room I'm in and yell at me like "Hey guy! Get moving!" She had me wrapped around her little paw.
My morning routine was built around taking care of her, fetching her fresh grass to munch on, sweeping up her litter tracks, food and water, pets and kisses, opening the blinds for sunshine, etc. She would often "lead me" around the house for the routine. One cute quirk of hers was her preference of drinking out of glass cups, so her main water source was a Cocacola glass on the coffee table with "Allie" written on it with green ink (to match her eyes).
She was a very sweet cat with a gentle temperament. A buddy of mine isn't a cat guy, but he always said, "I would get a cat if I could guarantee it would be like Allie." If you were visibly upset, she was the first one there to comfort you with purrs, rubs and kneading. She liked to drag toys while whining; she was more of a "lay next to you" cat than a "lap cat." She loved to knead on my belly for 10 minute straight, only stopping when my belly turns red. She was obsessed with shoes and purses. She loved Christmas and would actively open gift bags. "If you've got a box or a bag, I'll get in it." When I put my Yoga mat down, she would sit in the middle of it. She would often stare at me gently with the same loving expression I would stare at her with. Like most cats, she absolutely loved the fireplace, sunny windows and any warm spots in the house. During winter she would jump on my bedroom dresser every morning because the heat blew strongly on top of it. When coming home, I would often see her in the front blinds, sleeping away happily or watching the birds or outdoor cats.
We also, for some time, had the routine of playing together before bed time, and then she would sleep next to me in bed. She suddenly stopped showing interest in these two things a couple months ago (perhaps the first signs?) but cats are fickle like that, so I didn't think much of it. Also of note: She had a tendency to whine at night, yet the last few months she completely stopped.
Over the last 1 1/2 years, our bond only deepened. That coincides with my ex moving out (we are on good terms, so we were able to handle this together supportively without drama) and me taking full care of Allie. I had an intuition, especially with how much mortality has affected me, that I needed to be as present as possible with Allie. With every moment I have with her, as you never know when it will end. Often I would just sit and observe her in complete love and gratitude. I journal every morning, and at the end I always mention my gratitude for the day. She was the most common expression of gratitude I would mention. In fact, that will continue. I'll always be grateful I was blessed to have her for a decade.
Its such a heavy burden to bare putting your pet down, but acting out of compassion seems the only way to handle your furry loved ones. Still, when you love them so much... you want the world for them. You want them to be that pet that is super healthy and lives to 25 and doesn't even shown major signs of aging and is always happy. But life can be cruel, and we all die, and often in unexpected ways.
The vet, myself and my ex were all in consensus that it was the compassionate thing to do. The vet really urged me not to take her home, as it would only get worse and she wasn't responding to treatment. Still... it hurts not knowing with 100% certainty.
As a little sign of synchronistic symbolism, it just so happened to be a full moon when Allie passed... giving the sense that her little brother Moony was watching and awaiting her across the bridge.
Thank you for listening to my story. My heart will always be with Allie, and I know how many of you know how I feel right now. I cherished taking care of her for these 10 years. It gave my life more meaning, love and fulfillment.
Rest blissfully, my little lady.
This is my second thread in this section, as two years ago we had the shock of our 2 year old cat Moony dying of congenital heart disease (my avatar has both of them, the tabby Moony, the tuxedo Allie). I'm now left (temporarily) without a companion at home.
Allie was a stray we found in July 2009 at our parking spot just weeks after getting our first apartment together. She was skinny, losing fur and likely would have died had we not taken her in. In fact, after feeding her for a couple days, she excitedly followed my gf all the way to our apartment. It was one of the cutest things Ive ever seen. She was so frail we thought she was a kitten/young adult, but she was actually 3-4 years old and filled that frame out quickly under our care. The next few years involved a lot of vet expenses with emergency trips, specialists, allergies, a long time using atopica (eventually got weened off) and worry about her health, but then it all leveled out within a few years and she had mostly good health all the way until now.
Even now, her bloodwork and pancreas had tested normal. This also partly angers me as how cruel cancer can be... an otherwise healthy creature that all of a sudden just withers away rapidly. Some cancers grow more slowly and can be fended off for some time, but this was rapid.
I'm trying not to torture myself over the decision, as the loss itself is difficult enough. I just have so much of her in my heart. Every time I step into or out of my home, I think of Allie. I always joked when coming back from going out for a day, "I'm about to get yelled at" as she had a funny habit of letting me know how unacceptable it is that I left for so long. In fact, even if I sat still in one place for a long time, she'd do the same thing. She'd walk in to the room I'm in and yell at me like "Hey guy! Get moving!" She had me wrapped around her little paw.
My morning routine was built around taking care of her, fetching her fresh grass to munch on, sweeping up her litter tracks, food and water, pets and kisses, opening the blinds for sunshine, etc. She would often "lead me" around the house for the routine. One cute quirk of hers was her preference of drinking out of glass cups, so her main water source was a Cocacola glass on the coffee table with "Allie" written on it with green ink (to match her eyes).
She was a very sweet cat with a gentle temperament. A buddy of mine isn't a cat guy, but he always said, "I would get a cat if I could guarantee it would be like Allie." If you were visibly upset, she was the first one there to comfort you with purrs, rubs and kneading. She liked to drag toys while whining; she was more of a "lay next to you" cat than a "lap cat." She loved to knead on my belly for 10 minute straight, only stopping when my belly turns red. She was obsessed with shoes and purses. She loved Christmas and would actively open gift bags. "If you've got a box or a bag, I'll get in it." When I put my Yoga mat down, she would sit in the middle of it. She would often stare at me gently with the same loving expression I would stare at her with. Like most cats, she absolutely loved the fireplace, sunny windows and any warm spots in the house. During winter she would jump on my bedroom dresser every morning because the heat blew strongly on top of it. When coming home, I would often see her in the front blinds, sleeping away happily or watching the birds or outdoor cats.
We also, for some time, had the routine of playing together before bed time, and then she would sleep next to me in bed. She suddenly stopped showing interest in these two things a couple months ago (perhaps the first signs?) but cats are fickle like that, so I didn't think much of it. Also of note: She had a tendency to whine at night, yet the last few months she completely stopped.
Over the last 1 1/2 years, our bond only deepened. That coincides with my ex moving out (we are on good terms, so we were able to handle this together supportively without drama) and me taking full care of Allie. I had an intuition, especially with how much mortality has affected me, that I needed to be as present as possible with Allie. With every moment I have with her, as you never know when it will end. Often I would just sit and observe her in complete love and gratitude. I journal every morning, and at the end I always mention my gratitude for the day. She was the most common expression of gratitude I would mention. In fact, that will continue. I'll always be grateful I was blessed to have her for a decade.
Its such a heavy burden to bare putting your pet down, but acting out of compassion seems the only way to handle your furry loved ones. Still, when you love them so much... you want the world for them. You want them to be that pet that is super healthy and lives to 25 and doesn't even shown major signs of aging and is always happy. But life can be cruel, and we all die, and often in unexpected ways.
The vet, myself and my ex were all in consensus that it was the compassionate thing to do. The vet really urged me not to take her home, as it would only get worse and she wasn't responding to treatment. Still... it hurts not knowing with 100% certainty.
As a little sign of synchronistic symbolism, it just so happened to be a full moon when Allie passed... giving the sense that her little brother Moony was watching and awaiting her across the bridge.
Thank you for listening to my story. My heart will always be with Allie, and I know how many of you know how I feel right now. I cherished taking care of her for these 10 years. It gave my life more meaning, love and fulfillment.
Rest blissfully, my little lady.
I always knew this time would come and its been brutal to endure the burden, and as much as I knew it would be one of my worst because of my bond with her, I knew I had to be brave and compassionate when the time came.
