I Still Struggle Over Losing Meela

For those of you who don't know my story, you can read it here (but it a is very long tearful thread)
I am absolutely heartbroken and regretful over my Meela having to be put down

I just want to let all those struggling for the loss of a pet, that you are not alone here. You are NOT crazy for feeling depressed, sad or even a bit guilty in a pet's death. This board has some great people who know your pain and want to help you.

My Meela's death will be 2 years on Thursday, April 4th, which is also my son's birthday. There is no way I can escape remembering that dreadful day. It's coming and I have broke down several times. Don't get me wrong. I don't sit around every day crying. But I don't think i will ever get over my guilt in how everything played out. I have moved on and I have Meela's full sister and brother now, as well as her mom and dad. Her siblings were pre-planned by me. It may have been wrong letting Momma Abby and Daddy Meeka get together for another litter, but out of it I got a sweet little angel (and brother) that helped fill that hole in my heart. It will never be completely filled because Meela holds a special part of it. But she came along and gave me a place to put my love. She gave me a purpose and the depression started fading.

I want to thank everyone who was there helping me, because honestly, losing her almost broke me completely. No one in my life could truly understand my pain - not my children or husband. I was told I had to get over it and I didn't know how to move on. My husband even told me that my face showed so much hurt and pain that I looked like I aged 10 years. Even now just days before the 2 year marker of losing her (I don't call it an anniversary, because there is no celebration in losing her), I am feeling that I might need guidance again.

I don't come back very often because all the sad posts remind me of what I went through. But I need to be here this week because even though it's been 2 years, I feel like that pain is still fresh. I think about what I was doing these days before I lost her. I don't want to remember. I only want to remember her before she had to have her surgery. I only want to remember her for her.

I am so glad you reached out to us. No one can really help remove the pain, but in sharing here with us you know you are not alone. I won't go back and read your post (sorry), because there aren't enough tears left to shed, after shedding them for you today as I read your post.

Meela would want you to remember her in her healthy, happy days. That is the best way to honor her, to pay proper homage to her - and help you get through this week.

I know that is all easier said than done. But, each time those last days come to mind, try as hard as you can to offset each one with a memory of her as she was before - and, as she actually is now - no more suffering, no more sadness.



Maybe, share with us a pic of one of most wonderful days of her life that you remember??

Anniversaries like this just kick us in the gut. I STILL get weepy on February 3rd, the date that I have to euthanize my "doggy sister," and that was 454 years ago. You come here as often as you need to. That's what this thread is here for. My heart with yours, as always.

meelasmom, I am truly sorry for your loss, and I know exactly what you're going though. I lost my sweet, little girl (Lady G.) on January 19, and I have been a sad mess since losing her. I've been able to function and go about my daily life, but there hasn't been a day go by that I haven't been overwhelmed with incredible sadness. I've cried every single day since losing her. It's tough! And you're right, it seems those around us simply cannot understand our pain. But we have to heal at our on pace, no one can tell us when to get over it, or when we can and cannot cry.

I wish you the very best, and hope you're able to find comfort soon. Sending you a huge long distance Internet hug!

I am so sincerely sorry that you still have to go through this pain and sadness, even if it is already 2 years since your Meela has passed away. As I always say, I do not believe that grief goes away. It just gets mellow in time. Nobody ever gets over losing a beloved pet. And I understand you when you say that no one in your life could truly understand your pain. That is true. You alone can ever really measure the depth of love you had felt for Meela, so nobody can ever really understand how equally deep the pain is upon losing her.

I have also gone through that several times, and each time I mourn the people around me think I am crazy bawling over a dead animal. It is as if I am in the wrong universe. Maybe I am.

I have lost my very first dog decades ago and believe it or not, whenever I think of him, I break down and cry, as if I am being transported back in time - to one of the saddest days of my life.

Hang in there. One day it will just be more of smiles than of tears. You can still celebrate, not as the anniversary of her passing - but celebration of her life and the joys she brought to your world.

My little girl died almost 7 years ago, and I still cry. Unfortunately, the horror and devastation we went through on that last day will always be burnt into our minds. Allowing yourself to go back there brings on a depression and overwhelming feeling of grief that you can physically feel take over. You can't erase what happened, but you CAN refuse to let it dictate your life. You can contain it in a place that will forever be there, but keep it separate from day to day life, in the past where it should be and not in our present. It takes a lot of work, the emotions are as powerful as they get, but they can be tamed and controlled. Of course they will escape time to time, and some cases, like these terrible markers that come up when we are almost forced to remember, they burst free and are hard to cage up again. Time has a way of making them a little tamer, it softens the hard edges and brings in more recent events to store and remember more easily.
The number one thing though is to NOT let let death and the pain it brings win in destroying your future. When it takes over your life and prevents you from loving and sharing with others you love, it needs to be controlled. Others feel helpless to help you because they don't share the same feelings, they can't. Try to let them in, to distract and give you strength to fight back. You don't have to be alone.
The love you share with that precious baby is as strong as it was, and it always will be. Do not send pain and grief, they need to know you will be all right, because that is what love is. Not something to bring such pain, but something that is so infinitely precious that it will carry through for the rest of our life too. Something we should be so thankful and grateful for knowing, something that brings happiness and joy because it is of the upmost importance in our lives. Not making the death the biggest and most important part of the whole experience, because death has no part in living......

The love that we feel for them is different than love towards another human being, probably because they can't talk to us but do communicate in their own way but also because we feel 100% responsible for their well being and when something bad does happen to them we feel that we failed them, that we should've tried this or that, when in reality we do all that we can with what we have at the time but to lose them in any way is just awful, it just tears us up in many ways. I dread the day I lose Sylvester and have felt the awful pain of losing many over the years, it never gets any easier or different it always just hurts like hell.

I am sorry for your loss and completely understand why you feel this way. I hope you find some comfort and your pain eases somehow, God Bless.....

I can relate what you are going through, my two buddies died 3 months apart and i am lost with myself. I thought that since i stopped crying the day after the MC died 7 days ago i thought i was doing ok, but last night i was watching a show The DR's and the guy was talking about pet grief, and i started crying, then i stop when the show is over, then i watched Tv show S.W.A.T and in the series they had a police dog put down and i started crying even though i know its a TV show, i cry when i hear piano music, like just now i was watching a youtube video of abstract painting and i started getting emotional cause of the piano music. I look at the photos in the photo frame and i feel bad, and i cant look at them. I look at the phone photos of MC at the vet , i took a photo of her dead body on the table and i dont know why i took it, i felt like i had to cause i wasnt taking her body home, maybe its for myself to keep reminding myself she is gone. My emotions is different, with leo i couldn't stop crying and finally stopped a month ago, then MC died and i feel like i have gone numb. I cry only when i see something sad, when i look at her photos and leos photo now i dont have emotions or cry, i feel numb . I go outside and its empty there cause there is no Leo or MC, its just me, no cat bed, no meows, no one to feed before work or after work , no one to talk to or pat or lay on my bed, or nudge me in the arm. I just feel really sad. And then on Friday my neighbor died and i saw the black funeral limousine in the driveway and i just stood there and stared at the car, its like its all surreal, not real and im in a bad dream, after eating dinner i go outside and i forget that they arent there anymore, and in the morning its just me and my coffee

Leomc123 said:

I can relate what you are going through, my two buddies died 3 months apart and i am lost with myself. I thought that since i stopped crying the day after the MC died 7 days ago i thought i was doing ok, but last night i was watching a show The DR's and the guy was talking about pet grief, and i started crying, then i stop when the show is over, then i watched Tv show S.W.A.T and in the series they had a police dog put down and i started crying even though i know its a TV show, i cry when i hear piano music, like just now i was watching a youtube video of abstract painting and i started getting emotional cause of the piano music. I look at the photos in the photo frame and i feel bad, and i cant look at them. I look at the phone photos of MC at the vet , i took a photo of her dead body on the table and i dont know why i took it, i felt like i had to cause i wasnt taking her body home, maybe its for myself to keep reminding myself she is gone. My emotions is different, with leo i couldn't stop crying and finally stopped a month ago, then MC died and i feel like i have gone numb. I cry only when i see something sad, when i look at her photos and leos photo now i dont have emotions or cry, i feel numb . I go outside and its empty there cause there is no Leo or MC, its just me, no cat bed, no meows, no one to feed before work or after work , no one to talk to or pat or lay on my bed, or nudge me in the arm. I just feel really sad. And then on Friday my neighbor died and i saw the black funeral limousine in the driveway and i just stood there and stared at the car, its like its all surreal, not real and im in a bad dream, after eating dinner i go outside and i forget that they arent there anymore, and in the morning its just me and my coffee

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This is so sad and I know how you feel. Last night at supper I said to my wife that I can't even put it into words and thoughts sometime about her father who passed 12/29, he was always there and a huge part of the family and got sick and 7 weeks later passed, we are going on with our daily lives and it has healed a tiny bit but at times you stop and think "Pop's gone", like you said it is so surreal that you can't really believe it is happening at all. We just have to go with it, to fight against it just delays it and makes it worse, to go with it is so very hard but it is the way to let these poisons and bad feelings be cleansed and leave our souls, we still remember the bad thoughts but they lose their strength over time.

When the time is right I feel that another kitty will find you, when you are ready to love again and your heart has healed enough, you are too good of a parent to not have someone to care for.

I also have a hard time listening to sad music especially piano music, but at the same time I find it helps me feel better. When you feel up to it listen to "The Vigil" by Bill Conti from Rocky II I believe it is, this will make you cry but at the same time is so helpful, especially the ending where you can just hear and feel hope being built and restored.

God Bless......

meelasmom said:

No one in my life could truly understand my pain - not my children or husband. I was told I had to get over it and I didn't know how to move on. My husband even told me that my face showed so much hurt and pain that I looked like I aged 10 years. Even now just days before the 2 year marker of losing her (I don't call it an anniversary, because there is no celebration in losing her), I am feeling that I might need guidance again.

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You wrote what I have in my mind for my Lola and Pallina.
I could use all the words in the vocabulary and still not be able to convey the way I'm feeling, the pain I feel, the void I feel.
I certainly aged right before Lola's death, and the 24 months afterward didn't help. I'm sure I look older than my age.
And just like you, I still need support on certain days, especially on the anniversaries.

I can't offer you any help or guidance because I'm a wreck myself, but know that I feel what you feel.
Take much care of yourself!

Thank you all so much! I didn't come back on the 4th and believe it or not, I didn't cry (much). A few tears escaped when I went to her grave, but I think I am a little stronger. The days leading up to to it made me a mess.

Meela was only with me 10 months and I just loved her so much. I failed her. I can't imagine not feeling this way, ever. I did not have to put her down that day and I really, truly wish I had gotten a second opinion because with the vet retracting what he said about her, kills me. The look on her face looking back at me, haunts me and will forever. I have moved on and am so appreciative that I have Ivy, Tink, Meeka and Abby, but I will never, ever forgive myself for making such a huge and final decision based on words, not proof. I was distraught and he let me make a decision when he shouldn't have. I was wrong and so was the vet.

I still feel her with me, usually on my bed at night. For some reason, it just hit me a few months ago that maybe my prayers for getting Ivy were helped by Meela. It may sound silly, but I have been imagining her telling God, "Give her a break she is suffereing, let her have another one like me".

I will always have a hole in my heart for losing her. I was all she had in this world and I loved her with everything in me. With her being deaf, we had our own language and a few of them just being our cat sign language.

My heart goes out to all of you for what you have suffered and gone through with your own babies. Hugs to all of you!!

meelasmom said:

Thank you all so much! I didn't come back on the 4th and believe it or not, I didn't cry (much). A few tears escaped when I went to her grave, but I think I am a little stronger. The days leading up to to it made me a mess.

Meela was only with me 10 months and I just loved her so much. I failed her. I can't imagine not feeling this way, ever. I did not have to put her down that day and I really, truly wish I had gotten a second opinion because with the vet retracting what he said about her, kills me. The look on her face looking back at me, haunts me and will forever. I have moved on and am so appreciative that I have Ivy, Tink, Meeka and Abby, but I will never, ever forgive myself for making such a huge and final decision based on words, not proof. I was distraught and he let me make a decision when he shouldn't have. I was wrong and so was the vet.

I still feel her with me, usually on my bed at night. For some reason, it just hit me a few months ago that maybe my prayers for getting Ivy were helped by Meela. It may sound silly, but I have been imagining her telling God, "Give her a break she is suffereing, let her have another one like me".

I will always have a hole in my heart for losing her. I was all she had in this world and I loved her with everything in me. With her being deaf, we had our own language and a few of them just being our cat sign language.

My heart goes out to all of you for what you have suffered and gone through with your own babies. Hugs to all of you!!

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Anything done in love with a pure heart cannot be wrong, you didn't fail her and she knows that and is trying to comfort you. She is just fine now, it is you who are hurting and will until the day you meet again, but that will be a wonderful day now won't it?!

Hang in there....

Thank you Les26! I'm getting there. I will be a wonderful day when I get to see her and all my others I have loved and lost!

It will be three years in April and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Meela. Having Ivy helped fill that hole in my heart but each time I drive by the vet where she last was, my hair stands on end and my eyes water up. I would like to say I am doing better from where I was, but I am truly still grieving her and I believe I will for a long time to come.

I am happy with my cats now. I have 5. Abby, Ivy, Tink, Meeka & BlackBuddy. The first are Meelas mom, sister & brother (twins), her dad and one that we rescued.

They make me happy because their love is unconditional. I need them like they need me. Losing Meela broke me. I honestly didn't know if I could come back from all that pain & guilt.

So...I have an update I will post in another window below, but it's about our dog, not cat. I just need some advice and encouragement from the wonderful people who have helped me through my darkest times.

I know this is a cat site, but our family dog, Ace, has recently been diagnosed with a tumor in the bone of his leg. He started out limping and we had it looked at, but not tested, and we were told it was probably a fatty tumor and as long as it didn't hurt him, to leave it alone.

Well, his foot started swelling up and then after a day or so, a putrid smell started happening. We got him to the vet and he was treated. We didn't do xrays or blood work at the time. The vet believes he got an infection from chewing at fleas..something he did his whole life. He thinks he broke his own skin and an infection started. After 2 weeks of treatment, he had me bring him back. This time he did an xray and dreadfully told me Ace has a tumor inside of the bone. The tumor has caused swelling with the infection. He basically told me that Ace doesn't have long to live. He thought a couple months if we were lucky.

Our biggest fear is that this infection wouldn't get better and it would eventually cause his death by becoming septic. He decided to change the medicine to the strongest he had with prednisone. My husband called with questions about amputation, but he said doing that could cause his death because of his age and size, he might not come back from it. He also revealed that he had another tumor starting on a rib. He mentioned a shot that was a really, really strong medicine that could help knock the infection away, but the cost was $150. Coupled with the powerful meds he was on, it was the best chance at getting rid of the infection.

We thought it was actually working up until a couple days ago, when we noticed the swelling was getting worse. Sadly, when I called to check in with the vet (who is a great guy and very honest) he said we have reached the limit of what we can do for Ace. he will continue to take his meds until they are gone and then he will be switched to a buffered aspirin of 400 mg/2x a day.

All we can to is make him comfortable and keep him loved until the end comes. It breaks my heart. Ace will be 11 at the end of December, so he has had a good life, but this is not what I ever thought would happen to him. There are things to watch for to made the final decision of putting him down. If he stops eating or doesn't get up much, it could be a sign. Also, the vet said to look into his eyes...he said we will be able to see when he's had enough. He did offer to come to our home to do this, but it brings back so much PTSD for what happened with Meela.

Thoughts and prayers please. I don't think he will make it to his birthday. We are all heartbroken.

I am sorry meela that Ace is very ill, love and care for Ace , i pray the end is not soon and that Ace somehow recovers from his illness

Poor Ace i hope and pray you get stronger to fight this illness and fight the infection. I wish i was a vet so i could help Ace and all the animals out there.

I'm really sorry for you Ace, I wonder how he would be if the vet didn't mistake a think for another.
I can fully understand your feelings, you're still grieving for Meela and now Ace is going to leave you too. It's so unfair!

Hopefully Ace will be true to his name and face the disease like a hero.
My prayers are for you all.

I have just had one of my little ones diagnosed with leukemia, so I know the heartache you are going through. It is so very hard to stand by and watch them slip away.....
Your Ace has the love of his family to help him through this. It is what he needs right now. Try to just live in the present, don't try to see into the future, just love him.
When animals live in the wild, any weakness brings on a swift and often merciful death from predators. With new medications and techniques, and our safe homes they are kept alive and although this gives us a chance to say goodbye, it can also prolong suffering. To stop eating is the only control they have and they use it to tell us it is time. So offer what treats you can to entice him, and most of all just comfort and love him in the time you have left. and who knows how long this may be, there are always miracles out there.....My heart aches for your pain, it cries for the unfairness that any sweet and loving animal has to go through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you all, but most of all for Ace, that sweet and loving boy......

meelasmom said:

For those of you who don't know my story, you can read it here (but it a is very long tearful thread)
I am absolutely heartbroken and regretful over my Meela having to be put down

I just want to let all those struggling for the loss of a pet, that you are not alone here. You are NOT crazy for feeling depressed, sad or even a bit guilty in a pet's death. This board has some great people who know your pain and want to help you.

My Meela's death will be 2 years on Thursday, April 4th, which is also my son's birthday. There is no way I can escape remembering that dreadful day. It's coming and I have broke down several times. Don't get me wrong. I don't sit around every day crying. But I don't think i will ever get over my guilt in how everything played out. I have moved on and I have Meela's full sister and brother now, as well as her mom and dad. Her siblings were pre-planned by me. It may have been wrong letting Momma Abby and Daddy Meeka get together for another litter, but out of it I got a sweet little angel (and brother) that helped fill that hole in my heart. It will never be completely filled because Meela holds a special part of it. But she came along and gave me a place to put my love. She gave me a purpose and the depression started fading.

I want to thank everyone who was there helping me, because honestly, losing her almost broke me completely. No one in my life could truly understand my pain - not my children or husband. I was told I had to get over it and I didn't know how to move on. My husband even told me that my face showed so much hurt and pain that I looked like I aged 10 years. Even now just days before the 2 year marker of losing her (I don't call it an anniversary, because there is no celebration in losing her), I am feeling that I might need guidance again.

I don't come back very often because all the sad posts remind me of what I went through. But I need to be here this week because even though it's been 2 years, I feel like that pain is still fresh. I think about what I was doing these days before I lost her. I don't want to remember. I only want to remember her before she had to have her surgery. I only want to remember her for her.

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I understand, my Harry died almost 2 years ago. I haven't moved on from losing him, the last few days, even months, as I now doubt the treatment he was given. I know how you feel.

I understand, my Harry died almost 2 years ago. I haven't moved on from losing him, the last few days, even months, as I now doubt the treatment he was given. I know how you feel.