Is Anyone Good At Grammar?

Mer.kitten

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I'm editing a friend's story and came across this sentence: . He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick façade of the building and he crashed through the wall and rolled to his feet as masonry showered the area.

Personally I think "He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building and he crashed through the wall, rolling to his feet as masonry showered the area". sounds better, but that's bringing a present tense word (rolling) into a past tense sentence (ducked, slammed, rolled). Is that ok, or is it mixing tenses?

Thanks in advance :)
 
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Mer.kitten

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Thanks! I like it too, I just don't know if it's technically correct, and he's submitting his story for publication at some point, so I don't want to "correct" it with bad grammar :tongue:
 

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I dun gots me some good grammar, ya'hear? :flail:

"He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick façade of the building and he crashed through the wall and rolled to his feet as masonry showered the area."

I like your comma between "wall" and "and" but if it's a huge issue is there any way to separate the sentences? "He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building. He crashed through the wall and rolled to his feet as masonry showered the area."
With a comma as you said to me makes sense but the tense concern makes sense as well. But to me, without reads like a run-on.
 

Tobermory

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You’re not mixing tenses. “Rolling” in your usage is a present participle describing “he.” Both versions are correct, but yours is a bit more sophisticated. I would also add a comma after “building.” You have two longer independent clauses with a coordinating conjunction (and), so a comma is called for and helps to break up a lengthy sentence! :)
 
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Mer.kitten

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ooh, I'm sophisticated :> ok, so

"He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building, and crashed through the wall, rolling to his feet as masonry showered the area".

I took out the "he" before crashed bc it seemed redundant, we know it's him who's crashing. I feel like I know the basics of grammar but when it comes to present participles and coordinating conjunctions, that stuff is over my head. I'd really like to understand it though - I should probably take some kind of course at some point.

Does it sound better now?
 
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Mer.kitten

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I dun gots me some good grammar, ya'hear? :flail:

"He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick façade of the building and he crashed through the wall and rolled to his feet as masonry showered the area."

I like your comma between "wall" and "and" but if it's a huge issue is there any way to separate the sentences? "He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building. He crashed through the wall and rolled to his feet as masonry showered the area."
With a comma as you said to me makes sense but the tense concern makes sense as well. But to me, without reads like a run-on.
thanks, I know he wouldn't want to separate it into to two - to be honest he's kind of the king of long sentences... That's the majority of my editing, trying to fix them up with commas and semi colons and breaking them in two when necessary, lol.
 

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He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building and he crashed through the wall, rolling to his feet as masonry showered the area.

Your second sentence sounds better and is correct. I would recommend leaving it as is or sugest they break it up into two sentences so it is not such a mouth full. Don't add a comma or take out the word he. If you take out the second he, it is not as clear if he is breaking though or if just his shoulder is. Adding a comma makes the sentence sound a little awkward to me and is not necessary.
 

Willowy

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I don't like the "and". I'm not sure I like the ducking part either---he's slamming into a wall; that's an action unto itself, no need to say he ducked too. It also seems redundant to say "of the building". What else has a brick facade?

But I'm stuck because I can't decide what would be better. I just know I don't like that "and" :tongue:.

I'd probably do this:

"His shoulder slammed into the brick facade (or "He slammed his shoulder into the brick facade"). He crashed through the wall, rolling to his feet as masonry showered the area."

Or, if you want to keep the ducking part: "He ducked and slammed his shoulder into the brick facade. Crashing through the wall, he rolled to his feet as masonry showered the area."

Argh. That part doesn't sound quite right (crashing through the wall) but I was trying to avoid starting both sentences with "he".

That's a hard job!
 
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Mer.kitten

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He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building and he crashed through the wall, rolling to his feet as masonry showered the area.

Your second sentence sounds better and is correct. I would recommend leaving it as is or sugest they break it up into two sentences so it is not such a mouth full. Don't add a comma or take out the word he. If you take out the second he, it is not as clear if he is breaking though or if just his shoulder is. Adding a comma makes the sentence sound a little awkward to me and is not necessary.
you know what, I think you're right about the comma and the he, I hadn't thought about it like that. Thanks :)

I don't like the "and". I'm not sure I like the ducking part either---he's slamming into a wall; that's an action unto itself, no need to say he ducked too. It also seems redundant to say "of the building". What else has a brick facade?

But I'm stuck because I can't decide what would be better. I just know I don't like that "and" :tongue:.

I'd probably do this:

"His shoulder slammed into the brick facade (or "He slammed his shoulder into the brick facade"). He crashed through the wall, rolling to his feet as masonry showered the area."

But I can't guarantee that's more technically accurate. I just like it better :D.
I think he put the ducked part bc he wanted to convey that only the person's shoulder hit the wall - he ducked his head out of the way. If he didn't duck it seems like he just smashed through, head included, which would be unrealistic. Of course, the whole story is about genetically enhanced super Marines fighting aliens, so realism isn't emphasized THAT much in the first place... :lol:

~ It's a good thing he ducked ! :paranoid:

See, this is the crazy thing - one sentence and a million different ways to write it. Thanks everyone though, I'm going to think on it a minute :)
 

Tobermory

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"He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building, and crashed through the wall, rolling to his feet as masonry showered the area".
You no longer have independent clauses if you take out the second “he” (the subject of the second independent clause) so the comma would no longer be correct. Also, without the second “he,” “crashed” now refers to “shoulder” not the subject “he” in the first clause.

I’m not trying to rewrite your sentence; I’m responding only to your grammar question. :)
 

Maria Bayote

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"He ducked as his shoulder slammed into the brick façade of the building, crashing through the wall. He then rolled to his feet as masonry showered the area."
 

susanm9006

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My rewrite
As his shoulder slammed into the brick façade of the building he crashed through the wall and rolled to his feet. He ducked as masonry showered the area.

Or

As his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building he crashed through the wall and fell to the ground. He ducked as masonry showered the area and rolled to his feet.

I can obsess over editing....
 
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nansiludie

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My rewrite
As his shoulder slammed into the brick façade of the building he crashed through the wall and rolled to his feet. He ducked as masonry showered the area.

Or

As his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building he crashed through the wall and fell to the ground. He ducked as masonry showered the area and rolled to his feet.

I can obsess over editing....
That is how I saw it to be re-edited too.
 

JamesCalifornia

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My rewrite
As his shoulder slammed into the brick façade of the building he crashed through the wall and rolled to his feet. He ducked as masonry showered the area.

Or

As his shoulder slammed into the brick facade of the building he crashed through the wall and fell to the ground. He ducked as masonry showered the area and rolled to his feet.

I can obsess over editing....
~ Yes - very nice edit. My 7th grade journalism teacher would have called the original a "run-on sentence " . :rolleyes2:
For some editing can be fun !
 
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Mer.kitten

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Thanks all, I really appreciate everyone's input :)

Another question if anyone's game: quotation marks and dialogue attribution to inner thoughts?

Now... I like how Stephen King does it. No attribution or quote marks - he assumes the reader is smart enough to realize it's inner thoughts. For example (just my own personal example):
_______________________________________________________
John rushed into the room to find Stormy on the carpet chomping on the turkey leg she'd stolen off the table. Little pieces of chicken littered the floor, along with an errant blob of cranberry jelly, perfectly accenting the creamy white carpet.

This cat. I don't know what I'm going to do with her.

He sighed, and she seemed to hear him and turned and gave him a questioning
"Mrrooww?"

"Alright, alright, you can have the turkey leg," he told her.

Gosh I"m such a pushover.
________________________________________________________________

I like that best. But my friend whose story I'm editing does it like this:

"This cat," he thought. "I don't know what I'm going to do with her."

I just feel like that looks juvenile, and it's unnecessary. We understand the italicized words are his thoughts.

Opinions?
 
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