My Boyfriend Yells At My Cat

Hey all, I really need some advice- I have a beautiful little 3 year old cat who is very loving to my boyfriend mainly.. I have been his cat mum since the start and although I’m not exactly his favourite parent, I am very very attached to him and love him like my own son

When I am around, my cat is always sitting on my boyfriends lap and is generally very happy when he is around.

Yesterday my boyfriend of 2+ years had pocket called me and when I listened, he was full on shouting at my cat at the top of his lungs- listening further, it seemed he was annoyed that the PS4 wasn’t working and my cat was meowing for something, so he was screaming at my cat to shut up and swearing etc.

My stomach turned! I was shocked to say the least as they are so sweet together when im around- but I didn’t mention it until I got home that evening as I needed to think of how to handle it...

I know my boyfriend has a history of anger issues, but I honestly thought he was dealing with it - the reason I am taking this so badly is because I know how ugly he is when he screams and shouts -and honesty he can be horrifying

when I get home, my cat is happily curled up on my boyfriends lap

After questioning my boyfriend about the pocket call, I used a bit of a white lie and said I’d heard him shouting at my cat on a number of occasions (when I’d only heard it this one time) - and he admitted that he does shout at my cat like that when he gets “angry”, so I learned this was not an isolated incident... he actually admitted that he “took his anger out” on my cat and apologised

I know he hasn’t hit my cat-as he definitely would not put up with that... cats in general just wouldn’t forgive that... And my cat would hold a grudge for ages if you accidentally trod on his tail...

Sorry for the lengthy question, but to the point now- my cat absolutely ADORES my boyfriend.. but should I be worried??? Even if my cat is taking it fine?

I’m not too sure where to go from here- I’m currently ignoring him and I have mentioned either him or myself leaving but I honestly don’t want that as, I and my cat adore this man...

But in any situation, whoever it may be- my cat comes first... but my cat loves him and misses him when he leaves the house and cuddles him when he gets home - but on the other hand he’s getting shouted at ... I am SOOO confused!!

Any advice would be great
Thank you for reading

*Crazy Cat Mum
X

1. This sounds like a major red flag to me. You already knew that your boyfriend has anger issues, but thought he was dealing with them. He isn't dealing with them.
2. When parents stick together "for the sake of the kids" bad things happen, and you're considering sticking with this man for the sake of your cat. The cat he yells at for things that are totally unrelated to the cat, but only when you're not around.

The only way I would stick with this man is if I knew that he was in therapy for his anger issues and had proof that he was keeping his appointments. If you love him you want the best for him, as you do for your cat and yourself, and allowing him to continue this behavior isn't the best thing for any of you. Something has to change. Ideally, he actually would start dealing with his anger issues, but it's plain that he isn't, that he's been lying to you about that, which means that you can't trust him, and it's a very short step from yelling at someone for something that isn't their fault to physical violence, for any reason or no reason. If he continues on his current path that is exactly where he is headed; he needs to be stopped before you have to involve the police. And if an ultimatum won't do it you need to get yourself and the cat out of there before the two of you become the reason the police must be involved.

Margret

I know how hard this is, but...your cat is totally dependent on you for everything. It isn't as if he can get a job and move out. Here is the thing...if he is working on this, really working on this, then someday he may be safe for you and your cat to be around. But he isn't there yet. People who take their anger out on a helpless animal are not safe. If I were in your situation, I would leave. I might, might, leave with the provision that when and if he can prove, in writing and by his actions that he has successfully completed a comprehensive anger management program, you may (not will, but may) be willing to revisit the issue of a relationship.

Margret and Mamanyt1953 said everything I would have, and better.

Mamanyt1953 said:

I might, might, leave with the provision that when and if he can prove, in writing and by his actions that he has successfully completed a comprehensive anger management program, you may (not will, but may) be willing to revisit the issue of a relationship.

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That word "may" is very important; it means that you're leaving your options open to fall in love with someone else, though I would strongly advise you not to enter into any long-term relationship while you're on the rebound.

Margret

Yup, major red flag. His anger issues are clearly not being controlled & it may take just a few more incidents for him to 'snap' & become violent. If it's easy for him to yell at an innocent animal, it's not a far leap for him to hurt one physically. As others said: if this was me, I would do the best thing for my cat & I, and get away from him. You don't want to be in a situation where you waited too long hoping he would change (especially if he isn't putting in any effort) and have you or your cat get hurt.

Yeah I’d leave him. Your cat may eventually get scared of him. It’s not fair to you or the cat to deal with this. You’ll find someone else who won’t yell at your cat and be safer around.

Your friends above have given you excellent advice which will help your cat if you take it. This is a problem that I have had to deal with when I was treating humans in General Practice. We are now in a feline forum but don't forget that leopards never change their spots.

Your cat seems to have adjusted to your boyfriend's intemperance - at least apparently. However a problem that you will have to address in the future if your relationship continues, is what you will do to face his bad temper when it is directed towards you! And from my experience, this will happen.

I know it is going to be hard but I can see that you will have little choice but to break up.
With all my best wishes,
Geoffrey

C Crazy Cat Mum I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with this. I want to give you a couple questions to think about. If you took the cat liking your boyfriend out of the equation what would you do? How do you see the future with your boyfriend?

Things I will share from personal experience is many times I found myself referring to a relationship in the past tense before it was over. Some of us check out before ending it.

My cat loved my ex, grew up with him. When he left? well nothing. There wasn't any mourning. Your cat will still have you. While i know this isn't true for everyone but I think they can tell when things are rocky. You and your cat come first. Don't assume that emotional stress and abuse isn't as harmful to you as physical abuse, it is. You and your cat's safety come first. Others have said amazing things here. Just adding my 2 cents.

I agree with what others have said. I've learned that humans treat others in certain ways and it is very important to take note of that. I no longer think I will be the magical exception to how they treat others. I learned that my mistake was assuming that somehow I will be exempt. It never works that way. Eventually you too become the subject of their disrespectful ways you've seen them use with other people. I realize in this case, it is your cat. But your cat serves as a helpless stand in for his anger. Maybe it's a huge assumption from a stranger (me) but I'd kind of worry that it's a practice run for the kind of expressions he will aim at you. Perhaps not, but to me it says something troubling about a person's sense of empathy and compassion to scream at a beloved pet.

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C Crazy Cat Mum - I'd love to be the lone dissenter here, but I can't be - I'd assure my kitty's safety first and foremost, and then be shed of this chap with all haste. His emotional behaviour aside, cats' hearing is both sensitive and rather more delicate that we might imagine; a two minute read through this article:

Does Making Noises Negatively Impact a Cat's Hearing?

will make it clear that your hopefully soon-to-be ex-boyfriend might well be inflicting damage on your beautiful little cat's hearing.

Best of luck to both of you.
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1CatOverTheLine said:

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C Crazy Cat Mum - I'd love to be the lone dissenter here, but I can't be - I'd assure my kitty's safety first and foremost, and then be shed of this chap with all haste. His emotional behaviour aside, cats' hearing is both sensitive and rather more delicate that we might imagine; a two minute read through this article:

Does Making Noises Negatively Impact a Cat's Hearing?

will make it clear that your hopefully soon-to-be ex-boyfriend might well be inflicting damage on your beautiful little cat's hearing.

Best of luck to both of you.
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1CatOverTheLine on this subject, i would think there was a possibility the cat could develop a form of ptsd/stress reaction to certain noises.

The reason I mentioned this. Is my older male cat who passed lived with me with roommates. Sometimes there would be fighting and loud noises out of the blue. He developed a tendency to growl and go to bite you if a loud sudden noise happened. This wasn't from say a tv but if something fell or loud yelling.

I just wanted to mention this so everyone is aware it doesn't just affect us. It affects them.

You're just now finding out something is happening so you Find a solution. You understand if your cat has weird reactions you change the environment, be supportive and slowly build back their confidence.

Angry gamer guy yells at your cat.

Find a new guy!

C Crazy Cat Mum sent you a pm. Feel free to message me. I'm here to just listen, share or give ideas (not all required, if you just need to vent I'm here for you). we're here for you.

G Geoffrey wanted to thank you for your view. We appreciate someone in your field and with your insight.

Honestly, you need to leave. I wouldn't doubt that if he hasn't touched the cat already he will eventually. And when he does he will be angry and his force could easily seriously inure or kill your kitty. Its just not worth the risk in my opinion and it's not fair to your cat regardless if he seems to be okay around him right now.

I know this sounds a little crazy and not trying to scare you but people with anger issues when they get mad at the other person (you) will go to extreme measures to hurt you when they are angry which means hurting what is very important to you which is the cat. He could even go as far as dropping him off somewhere (to prevent being possibly arrested) or really hurting him or worse killing him to get back at you. If he takes out anger over a trivial matter of the ps4 not working and resorts to being psycho and yelling at the cat what do you think he will do When he becomes extremely angry with you and needs to find a way to hurt you mentally? Not to mention He could pysically hurt you both eventually if He hasn't already.

Not to mention just his outbursts in general are disturbing and they must worry you enough to get on here and make a post. You have some kind of gut feeling I think and are deeply concerned. I don't think this is even remotely close about getting frustrated and yelling at the cat but more so you know how crazy he can get obviously get and be and what he may be capable of.

I would recommend leaving but when you do get the CAT OUT FIRST when he isn't there or make and excuse to bring to the vet or something. Make sure he is out and safe first and then say what you have to and what not and leave. And for your safety I would have someone with you when you leave or either tell him after the fact of leaving when he isn't physically able to harm you. People like that do not take this lightly. He will view it as an insult to himself anyhow and will most likely act out in anger or if you agree to stay he will lash it out later on you...

Trust me I have had something similar happen in the past and luckily was able to get my cat back but it took over a month and she almost didnt make it from the stress and starvation. People are mentally ill. I obviously don't know to what level he is but I just feel this is not someone you can enjoy a stable and peaceful relationship with .You will never trust him fully and things will most likely get worse from there. Anger issues like that don't disappear and if they do get better it takes years especially without any form of therapy ... Typically anger only progresses. He obviously isn't trying to work on anything or he would be trying to prove to you and for himself seeking therapy. I don't know him personally but have seen many a friend's go through these relationships and they always fared very poorly in the end.

Leave before he harms your baby and yourself. He could easily hurt the cat in a rage (even unintentionally ) and they are definitely more fragile than a human. All it could take is one hit to the head and he could have a brain injury or even a blow to the abdominal area he could bleed internally fast. Or he could take it out intentionally on him either way it's just not worth the risk.

The cat doesn't deserve it and neither do you. Don't wait until it is to late... I don't mean to scare you but it just isnt worth it. There are plenty of other men out there waiting for you to come along that could make you much happier .

I once was at the beginning of a relationship with a guy and I knew he had issues, but I took it as part of the parcel and was able to deal with them. His mother got him a kitten. A cute little calico. When I saw how he treated the kitten I knew we would not go the distance. He wasn't physically abusive, thank god, but he would yell and scream at the cat and make no effort to meet the cat on the cat's terms. The thing for me was that anybody who would treat an innocent and completely dependent animal like that and take a kitten's actions personally was not someone I could be long term with. If for no other reason than our vast values difference. Luckily, someone else took the kitten and I hope the dear little thing has a happy existence. The guy and I went on for a couple more years, but that kitten was the first nail in the coffin for our relationship. I couldn't be with someone who would treat an animal that way.

You have just described my father to the letter. My dad was a 'rager'; often very loving and likeable but erupted into a volcano of anger and horrible words when frustrated. My mom knew all about his temper going into the relationship but she loved him too much and believed his promises when he'd promise never again. In time, marriage and then my brother followed by me. Time makes people comfortable and his promises eventually failed as his true nature reared its head again and again.

I can honestly tell you he never hit my mother or us.

But, before he went too far and burned our house down in a rage of frustration over his job (not an accident, he flooded the downstairs with gasoline first), my dad's frequent rages were something the whole family had to endure. I hid behind the sofa while dad was bellowing, verbally tearing into mom over any number of sorry reasons. How can I ever forget the aftermath sounds of mother crying to herself in another room and dad watching TV, embarrassed by his tantrum but unable to make things right? Of course, dad drinking the shame off and coming to me stinking of whisky and begging for MY forgiveness is something really awkward for any 5-year old to endure.

My dad hated how he was, but still, as a person he was not strong enough to overcome WHO he was and become a changed and better human being. His destructive behavior was the reason my mother never had a serious relationship for decades after the divorce.

And your boyfriend is raging at a cat because his console doesn't work? Consider me your Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come when I tell you, you're next and it will not end. Dump him. People like him patch over their problems but the damage still festers inside.

I said:

Margret said:

The only way I would stick with this man is if I knew that he was in therapy for his anger issues and had proof that he was keeping his appointments.

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I was wrong. After further reading of other people's posts here, I think it is unwise to stay with him, period.

jjc1140 said:

I would recommend leaving but when you do get the CAT OUT FIRST when he isn't there or make and excuse to bring to the vet or something. Make sure he is out and safe first and then say what you have to and what not and leave. And for your safety I would have someone with you when you leave or either tell him after the fact of leaving when he isn't physically able to harm you. People like that do not take this lightly. He will view it as an insult to himself anyhow and will most likely act out in anger or if you agree to stay he will lash it out later on you...

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J jjc1140 is completely right. When women leave men with anger issues it is extremely likely to trigger an outburst of extreme rage. It can easily trigger a violent outburst that has been building up, just waiting for something (anything) to trigger it. The longer you wait the more likely this is, the more likely that you or your cat could be killed.

I know, your boyfriend isn't a killer. Yet. He is, however, on a road that leads to violence, and has already shown that he has no intention of changing. And violence tends to escalate. You and your cat need to be out of there, and, quite frankly, you need to leave no forwarding address, no way for him to find you ever again. Cut it off cleanly and totally.

There is an old myth that "the love of a good woman can change a man." This myth is incredibly untrue. It has resulted in the deaths of more women and children than anyone can count. Don't become one of those victims. Get out now, before you find yourself needing an abused women's shelter and a restraining order.

Margret

Hello all, I would really like to thank you all for your replies- I truly appreciate that you all gave me amazing advice.

I’m unsure how to tag responses to my post, but I did really take your original reply on board, Margaret.

There is a lot for me to take in, but I hope that you will all see I’m dealing with it the best way I possibly can- I showed my boyfriend my post AND all of your responses- he seems to recognise the potential for me leaving and told me that he understands that he has gone too far.

Referring back to Margaret’s post, I told him that the only way I would consider sticking around is if he gets advice from the doctor to sign up for therapy. He has agreed and I am going with him tomorrow morning where I can also tell them about this too.

I think you need to have a chat with your boyfriend, and make him recognise that this is frightening, and potentially relationship-ending. He goes to counselling to find the root cause of his anger. And stops paying video games if they are . trigger. Not "takes it easy", not "slows down a bit". Stops. He decides now whether YOU are important enough to make changes to his life. It is entirely possible to change your nature. But it takes personal dedication, commitment and long term focus. If you think he's capable of that and worth the wait and risk then go for it.

That's what you do if you are 100% committed to the relationship and see it as a lifelong thing you are prepared to work at and invest in. Anything less than that and you bail out of the relationship. Someone who will scream in genuine anger at an animal is on a path to kicking it. And someone that can lose control and kick an animal will sooner or later stop discriminating between animals and people. People like that are best looked at in a rear view mirror. I once rescued a cat from a violent household and called the police when I realised the wife and kids looked just as frightened as the cat I was holding. I'm sure he was a lovely guy when they got married.