It's 4am And I Feel Like My Heart Has Been Ripped Apart

Aho13

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Hello everyone,

My name is Angela and my baby is Katie. As I type this, the impact of her being gone brings the various degrees of feelings: feeling of a weight on my chest, a hole where my heart used to be, my heart feeling ripped apart, the feeling like I can't experience happiness ever again.

I loved Katie with my entire soul. My other baby, Sunny, got hit by a car on my birthday, and the feeling of seeing her body on the road coming back from Olive Garden traumatized me for years. My heart didn't feel a connection to another cat until I adopted Katie from the pound due to her looking similar to Sunny.

She was the cat that filled the void that Sunny left. She was extremely affectionate, followed me around everywhere, would sleep next to me, and when I went out of state for school, would stay outside my door for weeks. She made me feel loved and important, and I hadn't really experienced that with a cat before. Every three months when I'd come back from school, she was the one being that I was looking forward to seeing and spending time with. My connection to her was so strong.

A year or two after we got her, she also got hit by a car but miraculously survived and got her base of her tail broken. I remember the absolute panic and pain I felt when the emergency room called. It was like Sunny all over again and the flashbacks were breaking me apart again... luckily, the person who hit her with the car drove 15 minutes to another city to take her to the vet at 10pm at night. In our city, no one does that. It was a miracle and it was around Christmas too. All she needed was a tail amputation, and she was fine. I remember rushing to her cage at the emergency vet and having her face be bloody but ok. She meowed out of fear but was comforted at my face. She kept kneading my hand in a fashion that was similar to a human squeezing a known hand for comfort and support.

Flash forward to 7 years later, and she's simply gone. From one day to the next, she broke her routine and wasn't being lazy and sleeping in the house. I knew something was wrong but held out hope. Now, in the very depths of my soul, I just feel like she's gone. My baby, my Katie, gone like the memory of her being here for 8 years was nothing. My soul and heart broke apart again.

I read forums, websites giving tips about their baby being gone, and although I know I'm not the only one feeling the loss, I feel completely alone. I feel like I can't be happy again.

I'm getting married in three weeks and I literally feel no joy at this point. I've cried myself out for an entire day and have felt like throwing up BECAUSE I cried so much. I talked to her through prayer and the depression will come in waves. One minute I'll feel like I can function, and the next, I feel like my world has come crashing down.

I look down at my black shirt and I see little hairs that are from her, and I lose it all over again. I want to feel her presence but all I feel is her loss. I miss her in uncontrollable measures and the pain I feel is so sharp and numbing at the same time. I feel dead inside but keep feeling pain in my heart area. I know I need to move forward, honor her memory, live and love again, but at this point, I'm chained to the bed in which she used to lay next to me, going through the memories of her, and realizing that with each passing memory in my mind, that I'll never see her do it again. And that kills me.

If anyone can offer some comfort, insight, advice... I would greatly appreciate it. I need the understanding of my fellow cat lovers to help me get through one of the most difficult heartbreaks I've ever experienced.

P.S. Some of my favorite memories of her include: her swatting at my friend's purse, thinking it was an enemy, her being very affectionate towards guests, constantly brushing up against them, her obsession with Temptations cat treats, her chirping at birds outside, her relaxed and chill attitude towards anything, her kindness as a cat, how she was constantly eating and sleeping, her fat pouch, her licking my face and grooming me whenever I put it near her face, her constant purring and kneading whenever she slept next to me.... etc.
 

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Purr-fect

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You are not alone....not here.

The pain and heartbreak you are feeling is normal. It is part of the grieving process and will lessen in time. You can "see" her everyday. Close your eyes and remember a special moment you two shared.

You already know what you need to do (and will do). When you are ready, you will move forward.

In the meantime I suggest you look after yourself, sleep well, eat well, treat yourself to things you enjoy.

Take one hour at a time. One hour will become a day at a time. You will be ok...but there will be some bad moments along the way...expect them.

A famous quote: "tis better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all".

Perhaps ask yourself..... would you have been willing to have never have shared the years of love and affection with your Katie to avoid the pain you are feeling today? If you are like most of us you gladly pay that price.

There will be better days ahead......soon.
 

Mia6

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Maybe she just wandered off? I am so sorry. Either way she is not with you.

I am sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.

Hugs,
Mia
 

les26

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I am sorry this is happening to you but just to be clear so I understand did she pass away or wander off outside somewhere?
 

Mark Lehrkind

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Look close to home. I found “kitty” one door down. But it will get better.GL, thoughts are with you, I am sorry you have to go through this, Smokey disappeared in the 70’s and I still think of him.
 
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Aho13

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Hello everyone,

To clarify, she usually is home every day. She is an inside and outside cat but has been mostly inside for a while now. Two days ago, she broke routine and didn't show up at night. I waited until the morning, and she wasn't at her usual spot on the couch... by afternoon, she still didn't show up. Something inside of me made me feel like she was taken by a coyote...
 
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Aho13

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Look close to home. I found “kitty” one door down. But it will get better.GL, thoughts are with you, I am sorry you have to go through this, Smokey disappeared in the 70’s and I still think of him.
Thank you... I will check. I haven't been home in the past two days because I'm scared to face reality and have my hopes be squandered... then I'd start from square 1 all over again.
 
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Aho13

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Maybe she just wandered off? I am so sorry. Either way she is not with you.

I am sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.

Hugs,
Mia
Thank you Mia. I thought so too but she's never been gone from the house more than half a day. It had me worried and by the next day, it felt like it was confirmed she wasn't with us anymore and the weight of the world fell on me.
 
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Aho13

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You are not alone....not here.

The pain and heartbreak you are feeling is normal. It is part of the grieving process and will lessen in time. You can "see" her everyday. Close your eyes and remember a special moment you two shared.

You already know what you need to do (and will do). When you are ready, you will move forward.

In the meantime I suggest you look after yourself, sleep well, eat well, treat yourself to things you enjoy.

Take one hour at a time. One hour will become a day at a time. You will be ok...but there will be some bad moments along the way...expect them.

A famous quote: "tis better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all".

Perhaps ask yourself..... would you have been willing to have never have shared the years of love and affection with your Katie to avoid the pain you are feeling today? If you are like most of us you gladly pay that price.

There will be better days ahead......soon.
Today was slightly better. I bounce between feeling numb to feeling everything. I think of her often. I dreamed of her last night... thank you for such a beautiful post. I cried while reading it. Tears of understanding and relief vs. tears of sadness and pain.
 

di and bob

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I know right now you feel no joy in living, or that you will never find happiness again. But you will. In time, when you realize that the love you shared with that precious girl is spiritual. The bond you forged over 8 years, link by link with memories and sharing your love,will never leave you. It can never be broken or taken from you. It is as much a part of you now as every breathe you take. Katie may be gone from your physical life, but she will always be near to protect and guide you and will always only want happiness and the very best for the one she loves above else. If you were the first to go you would never want her to spend her future in misery and sadness, it is the same feelings she has for you.
You cared for her and loved her for 8 years. Now you have an eternity of memories to bring you comfort. She is on a new life's journey now, one that will always parallel yours until the day when it crosses once more. She is a beautiful part of your past, but the present and future are for the living and somehow we must go forward, each in our own way, but always striving to do good in this world for the ones who gave us so much in the past. To pass on their legacy of love, as they would want us to do, to treasure our time spent with them, but to also treasure the promise of future happiness in our lives.
The not knowing is the worst, certainty brings about some measure of peace of mind. I have a feeling she wanted to spare you the pain of witnessing her passing. She loves you that much. Keep your mind busy with your future, try not to dwell on unhappiness or it will take up permanent residence in your heart. Concentrate on celebrating the memory of her, of sharing your heart and your life with that little girl, of the bonding of your souls. Don't let this mar your upcoming wedding, your heart is big enough to encompass many loves, like a mother with many children, each precious and unique. Go joyfully into the future, knowing little Katie IS there, her spirit full of love will always be there. Laugh and love again because taht is what she wants for you. Take care.......Dear sweet Katie, where ever you are, the good Lord will bless and keep you. Send what comfort you can to the one who misses you so very much, you will always be held in a loving heart!
 

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I missunderstood your initial post.

While you are "waiting", I would scour the neighbourhood, knock on neighbours doors, ask if you or they can check their sheds, garages....anywhere a cat might have got trapped. Put up signs. Check local shelters.

Years ago we lost a sweet cat....... whitney. We walked the neighbourhood shaking a can of parmesan cheese (she love that cheese and would come running when ever she heard it.) We would also walk the area late at night, as it was quieter and I reasoned I would be more likely to hear her if she was crying.

Sadly she never did come home. I think a fox got her.

I was looking at her picture last night, on our dresser, taken many years ago.
 

Antonio65

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Please, do not tear your heart to pieced before you know tha tit migh tbe necessary.
Your Kate migh tjust be locked somewhere, in a neighbor's shed or cellar, or other similar places.
A friend of mine had a similar experience, looke all over, rads, ditches, fields. Asked vets, clinics, police.
He searched all the houses and sheds nearby, the cat was gone.
He was desperate and it was a week away from Christmas. He felt hpeless.
I told him to do all over again.
His cat was in a shed at a neighbor of him, where he had searched before.
Do not lose hope until it's over.
 
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Aho13

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I missunderstood your initial post.

While you are "waiting", I would scour the neighbourhood, knock on neighbours doors, ask if you or they can check their sheds, garages....anywhere a cat might have got trapped. Put up signs. Check local shelters.

Years ago we lost a sweet cat....... whitney. We walked the neighbourhood shaking a can of parmesan cheese (she love that cheese and would come running when ever she heard it.) We would also walk the area late at night, as it was quieter and I reasoned I would be more likely to hear her if she was crying.

Sadly she never did come home. I think a fox got her.

I was looking at her picture last night, on our dresser, taken many years ago.
That sounds like my Katie but with Temptations treats haha. I will do that. Today I scoured the backyard possibly looking for a body or her being trapped somehow. No neighbor of ours really has sheds, but I will knock and see if anyone has seen her. It's just that our area has coyotes at times (they haven't been prevalent lately though), and I just had a feeling she's been gone. We adopted her from a shelter, I believe they scan their microchip first to see if they have an owner, and we haven't gotten any messages saying they have found Katie.

So sorry for your loss. We don't have foxes in the area, but coyotes yes...she sounds lovely and must've spent such a beautiful life with you as her owner. I think the toughest part of losing a cat to another animal is that to them they were just food, but to us, they were EVERYTHING.
 
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Aho13

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Please, do not tear your heart to pieced before you know tha tit migh tbe necessary.
Your Kate migh tjust be locked somewhere, in a neighbor's shed or cellar, or other similar places.
A friend of mine had a similar experience, looke all over, rads, ditches, fields. Asked vets, clinics, police.
He searched all the houses and sheds nearby, the cat was gone.
He was desperate and it was a week away from Christmas. He felt hpeless.
I told him to do all over again.
His cat was in a shed at a neighbor of him, where he had searched before.
Do not lose hope until it's over.
That is so interesting...I will check everywhere. Today I checked the backyard all over. Our neighbors don't really have sheds, but I will knock to see if they have seen her or have heard meowing. I appreciate the spark of hope...thank you.
 
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Aho13

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I know right now you feel no joy in living, or that you will never find happiness again. But you will. In time, when you realize that the love you shared with that precious girl is spiritual. The bond you forged over 8 years, link by link with memories and sharing your love,will never leave you. It can never be broken or taken from you. It is as much a part of you now as every breathe you take. Katie may be gone from your physical life, but she will always be near to protect and guide you and will always only want happiness and the very best for the one she loves above else. If you were the first to go you would never want her to spend her future in misery and sadness, it is the same feelings she has for you.
You cared for her and loved her for 8 years. Now you have an eternity of memories to bring you comfort. She is on a new life's journey now, one that will always parallel yours until the day when it crosses once more. She is a beautiful part of your past, but the present and future are for the living and somehow we must go forward, each in our own way, but always striving to do good in this world for the ones who gave us so much in the past. To pass on their legacy of love, as they would want us to do, to treasure our time spent with them, but to also treasure the promise of future happiness in our lives.
The not knowing is the worst, certainty brings about some measure of peace of mind. I have a feeling she wanted to spare you the pain of witnessing her passing. She loves you that much. Keep your mind busy with your future, try not to dwell on unhappiness or it will take up permanent residence in your heart. Concentrate on celebrating the memory of her, of sharing your heart and your life with that little girl, of the bonding of your souls. Don't let this mar your upcoming wedding, your heart is big enough to encompass many loves, like a mother with many children, each precious and unique. Go joyfully into the future, knowing little Katie IS there, her spirit full of love will always be there. Laugh and love again because taht is what she wants for you. Take care.......Dear sweet Katie, where ever you are, the good Lord will bless and keep you. Send what comfort you can to the one who misses you so very much, you will always be held in a loving heart!
This was TRULY the comfort I needed. I absolutely love your reply. Thank you SO much. You have no idea the smile you have brought to my face helping me feel the first ounce of peace I have felt since I felt her be gone. I will be saving your post in a word document so I can look upon it often.

Yesterday, I prayed to God that I would see Katie in my dreams one more time (the night prior, I dreamed that she was sleeping in her usual spot on my mom's bed. I hugged her and was overjoyed but cautious about her being back, because in my heart I still felt her being gone. Then I looked and she turned into my other cat that isn't affectionate, but then I looked closer and it WAS Katie, then it turned into my other cat again...don't know what to make of it). Anyways, so I prayed of this request. I dreamed I was in my house searching for Katie. Couldn't find her. Then I woke up SLIGHTLY and was in a dream-like state, and I heard a very clear voice ring through my mind saying, "You don't need to dream about Katie. She's ok." I like to think about it being Jesus Christ or God reaching out to me during my pain.
 

di and bob

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Don't discount your dreams. It very well could have been a guardian angel putting your mind at ease that Katie was safe somewhere, or even the Lord himself telling you that Katie was safe with Him. We believe at the beginning so strongly, and then the light of day and our 'rational' mind changes our way of seeing it. Don't,.. accept it simply for the miracle it was and know that it was brought to you to bring peace to your grieving heart. May the Lord bless you and bring you a happy marriage, may he watch over you for the rest of your life!
 
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