Sasha, My Best Friend

I don't know how to handle my grief and pain. Yesterday evening, we were actually talking about how lucky we were that our 14-year old Turkish Angora Sasha was in such amazing health. He seemed virtually identical to the day we got him 12 years ago. He was still jumping up on furniture, playful, happy, and had never been sick in any serious way.



Later that night, I began to wonder where Sasha was and found him laying in a strange spot. I looked around and noticed a few small spots of frothy, white vomit. I brought him to my room and he was almost limp. I lay with him a bit and watched him, trying to figure out what the problem could be. I noticed that he had peed himself just a little bit and cleaned his fur. My hope was that he was just sick to his stomach, but he seemed so lethargic that it deeply worried me.

After a little while, he started to open his mouth very wide and began to make short panting breaths, as if he was having trouble getting oxygen. My wife and I immediately decided to take him to the emergency hospital, though we did not how we could pay them.

They told us that there seemed to be an issue with his heart, but they could not tell us what it was without many tests. They also said that they thought he would likely die at any moment. They doubted that he would survive very long even if they did find the cause, and began demanding money up front before proceeding any further.

Looking at my poor best friend, my sense was that he was in his last moments, and we made the decision to euthanize. I could barely process what was happening and was almost unable to sign the papers. A few hours ago, my cat seemed perfectly fine and now he was about to die of a mystery illness.

I euthanized my best friend and am now sitting desolate at home. I suffer from mental illness and Sasha was truly my service cat. We spent the entire day, every day together. For years, I have told my psychiatrist that Sasha was the only thing in life that still brought me pleasure, and that I don't know how I could go on without him.

I won't elaborate here, but my life has become an unrelenting grind of suffering and death. I have seen the absolute worst side of the people around me. Strangers are constantly astonished at the string of coincidences the universe continually orchestrates to cause me pain, and they are similarly shocked that I am still alive.

But this is too much. Sasha was all I had left. I gave up hope long ago on finding peace and happiness in any conventional sense. I just wanted to have a small place to sleep at night and my cat Sasha for company. Give me that and I could go on. But now Sasha is gone and I am completely alone with nothing but unbearable pain.

Rest you gentle, Sasha, dream you deep. Your memory will live forever.

I cannot begin to express my sorrow at your loss. And I do understand about therapy animals. Also, although I know it is hard to know and feel, you are not alone. As more and more of us see this thread, we join you in your grief. Sending gentle hugs across the miles to you.

I am so so sorry for your loss of your beloved best friend, it is so heartbreaking and you too feel like you will die and almost don't care if you do, that is how hard it hits when the one so close and special to you passes. But for some reason, it was his time, and you did the right thing as hard as that was, probably no medicine or care could have saved him, it sounds like it was just his time and he had to leave you, but he was so loved and loved you I am sure. It is you who is hurting now and feeling the pains of grief, but it does get better with time but it can take a long time, but please know that you did everything right for him. I am sorry that your world is crashing down around you, but please don't give up hope, please visit here and often and there will be many more wonderful posts on here to try to comfort you, and I hope that they do. We all know what you are feeling right now, and it hurts like nothing you can imagine, we know.

I hope that your heart heals a little bit each day, God Bless....

Thank you both. I am unable to write right now, but your words do help.

I feel you. Now you have to be strong and have to accept that he could not be physical here with you. A difficult time that you have to go through. Think of all the happy times both of you together. You will sure miss him a lot more, it is okay, cry out as hard as you can. Crying out can be a way to let go those feeling that are bottled up inside you. And be strong again to accept the fact. I am sure Sasha would want you to be happy and see the smile on your lips again when you thought of the good days together with him. Be strong for him and for youself too. Love yourself more will be the best gift to Sasha which he might like to see. All the best wishes to you.

You are not alone, Sasha is there, he always will be. You talk of a string of coincidences that shaped your life, loving and depending on that sweet boy is also one of them. The bond you formed for twelve years will never be taken from you. It is spiritual, not physical, so is eternal. The 'essence' of Sasha will forever be tied to your soul and his new path will follow yours for the rest of your life. He taught you what love and friendship is and left you this as a legacy. To pass it on would bring honor to his name. Do not hesitate to share that love with another little one, it would bring happiness and sunshine back into your life, a welcome distraction to help heal that broken heart, and as he would want for the one he loved above all else. He would never want you to be so sad because of him, if you were the first to go you would want the same. To have known that sweet boy is a priceless treasure, he was in your life for a reason, it was meant to be......They leave us because they have to, not because they want to. It would be unthinkable to have never known him at all. The grief it leaves behind is tragic, but it brought love and happiness too, so cling to your precious memories of happier times, do not choose to dwell on the end. Celebrate having shared your life's journey for a little while, and know he will be waiting at the end when your paths cross one more time. But for now live your life in happiness and sunshine, you gave that wonderful boy all he ever wanted, a home and your love. He is secure in knowing he was loved and rests in peace.
Take care of yourself, and surround yourself with those who understand. Time is the healer of broken hearts, but it takes a lot of it, give yourself plenty. I'll pray for you both, I'll cry for your pain. You will be in my thoughts, be gentle on yourself.......RIP beautiful Sasha, you meant more than you will ever know to a heart that will hold you for eternity. Let the pure white light that shines from your star in the evening sky shine down and continue to love and comfort the one who misses you so very much. Goodnight, sleep tight, sweet Prince!

Thank you again everyone. I have been reading your posts over and over because they are helping me tremendously.

I am a 55-year-old man and have lost almost all my family to illness. I have even a cat that was incredibly close to me before. But I have never come close to crying as much as I have for my little Sasha. I kept waking up last night and bursting into tears as I realized he was not next to me. I even called his name, thinking somehow he might come waltzing around the corner and that this was all just a bad dream.

Today is my first day back working at my desk without my little friend. The entire world seems so much emptier and colder. I guess I will eventually be ok, but not today.

A day will come
When memories bring smiles, not tears
But not today.
A day will come
When you feel joy for all those years
But not today.

A day will come
One day, A day will come!

I am so very sorry to read this. I wish I knew what to say--just please know there are lots of people here thinking about you. RIP, little Sasha.

Everyone who has read this is now holding your hand to help with the pain and sorrow and we won't let go until you think the time is right. The unbreakable bond you had with him is still that - unbreakable. He is forever with you but you just can't see him. He will give you the strength to carry on.

mightyboosh said:

Everyone who has read this is now holding your hand to help with the pain and sorrow and we won't let go until you think the time is right. The unbreakable bond you had with him is still that - unbreakable. He is forever with you but you just can't see him. He will give you the strength to carry on.

Click to expand...

This is wonderful.......

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the enormous pain, as I am going through it now as well. Especially as you suffer with your mental health, care good care of yourself now. Get grief counselling if you can, and or visit your doctor. Please seek all the help you can to get through these dark days.

I do appreciate all of you who have helped, but I don't think I am going to get over this. I feel like something has permanently broken inside of me. I don't care about anything anymore. I have lost before, but I was already in so much pain for so long, and this has just put me over the edge.

He was my companion throughout the day and night. He helped me manage my mood better than any pill ever did. I used to just lay my head gently on his fur and listen to him purr and my problems would go away for a few moments.

He was constantly asking for kisses and attention, which reminded me that I was loved by at least something in this world.

Everything about his death was just wrong. I don't understand what happened,what he died of, if I made the right decisions. I feel so guilty and empty and alone and nothing makes sense. I just can't do this.

Purřrr...hang in there.
Sasha might need to go one day due to old age, etc. We as the kitty human guardians have to let it go where we know that there is no quality of life. Missing the kitty is expected. I can feel you and don't think there is the end of the love that you are capable of giving. If is so hard, would you consider to give your love to another kitty?

(That is my 10mth old Oreo. I love him too just like you love Sasha.)

Let your pain express in tears and cry, my friend. We all have to pass through such Valley of Pain and Sorrow, one way or another, one time or another. There is no human to avoid such pain, for we all loose our beloved at a certain point of our Life on Earth.

We all feel alone and missing the sense of life, but remember the day you were born: nothing around, you could not see anything. But still, at that time you (and me and all humans) feel the presence of Love (expresses in the Mother presence) and you didn't feel alone.

The same in the day of Pain: you are not alone. And you (as all the humans) has the duty to keep yourself loving and caring. That is the primal and unavoidable duty, that prevails over the pain.

Take your time to cry, one day or two years, you are the one to decide. And when you will fell ready again to care another Soul, I am sure you will know. To that time, you are not alone and you will never be - look inside yourself and you shall see.

Fish and milk for Rainbow Journey of Sasha the Cat and a hug for you.

The pain can be overwhelming, you almost wish you too would die to escape it, but we survive, as hard as it gets we hang on and make it somehow, day by day, but it is an incredible struggle to stay afloat when your heart is broken. I certainly understand how you feel, I have been there too as these others have and we have survived, we have huge scars on our hearts but we have survived and you will too my friend.....

I think somehow, another kitty in need of your love and care will enter your life, and I think it will be a "bridge" to help your heart heal after this tragic loss. When Simon our tuxedo passed in May 2014, 3 months later Stanley a little tabby appeared at my work, and he helped me heal from the loss of our beloved Simon. When Sebastian died in my arms November 2015, 3 months later I got my sweet boy Sylvester who is pictured in the avatar, and he looks like you combined Simon and Sebastian together, and he REALLY helped my heart heal after losing Sebastian in such a horrible way, coming home from work (he was sick for 3 weeks) and his right leg tangled in the mini blinds and 15 seconds after I got him out he passed away in my arms with me yelling skyward "please God, not like this....don't let it end like this...." but it did, for some reason it had to be that way, and while I was devastated for quite some time I did survive, my heart slowly healed and every single day when I look at my Angel boy Sylvester he reminds me of those two but makes my heart smile because of who he is and what he represents to me, and maybe a little one will come into your life in a similar fashion, it might be soon or a bit down the line, but I think it would help you immensely to pour these emotions into another one who needs help, God has a way of making things work out, we may not understand it or see it while it is happening, but with time we look back and we DO understand why; looking back on that awful day I now realize that it did have to be that way, that Sebastian literally hung on until I got home from work, so I could be with him when he died, and I am now GLAD that I DID get to hold him, that he didn't die alone, that I was the first to hold him when we brought him in and I was the one to hold him when he left us, it had to be that way, I HAD to endure the heartache and mental issues like anxiety that went with it for months, but with time and talking to my pastor and a psychologist friend I felt better and they both said that it would take roughly 1.5 years to "get over" and they were right, it still hurts a bit to talk about it but I CAN talk about it now and not crumble, just as you will one day with your beloved Sasha.

Cry, yell, laugh, do whatever you need to do, it will help....and be on the lookout for a new little one to care for, I think it is coming and think it would help your heart heal just as Stanley and especially Sylvester did for me.

John Kay & Steppenwolf have a song called "Hold on, never give up, never give in" from 1987, you can hear it on Youtube, and that is my advice to you now, it seems an unclimbable mountain right now, but you CAN and WILL do it, just "hold on, never give up, never give in", we all here are sending our love and support and strength to you, these are WONDERFUL people who helped me immensely when Sebastian died, and we will help you too.

Hold on my friend, hold on....another little one in need is coming I believe....you will be like me and Sylvester, I used to pick him up for months after I got him and hug and kiss him and say "we found each other....in the darkness....we made it into the light, we helped each other..." as he was in bad shape and so was I, now we are both great. You WILL make it, and you WILL love another one again, trust me on this....

God Bless......

I am so sorry, to hear about your loss. My Alice died a year ago and I still feel a deep hole in my chest whenever I forget that she is not here any more and reach my hand towards her spot in my bed at night. I don't often write in this kind of thread because I still cry too hard for being able to write decent posts, my own pain for her loss mixes with the empathy I feel towards others losses and It is just overwhelming. However, you deserve the effort.
I usually recommend waiting a while until getting a new kitty or puppy after a loss, so they can be propperly grieved. However, I think in your case you would beneffit from getting a kitten as soon as possible, as they are very demanding and this would fill your hours with something important to do, not just mere work. This is not substituting Sasha, but surviving. Look for a cat that does not look like Shasha if you think that another Turkish Angora (ir any other longhair white cat) would make you compare them too often.
We are all here for you and will hold your hand for as long as you need to survive this terrible momment. You can PM any of us, all of us, if you need it.

max6166. Please disregard any or all of this if you think I'm speaking out of turn. You openly and bravely said that you suffer with your mental health so I hope it's Ok to mention it as others have. I work with patients in a hospital that cares for and supports people with mental health issues so although I'm not classed as qualified in a technical sense, I may have a little more insight, due to my experiences, than the lay person as to how your loss is affecting you in particular.
Many people on here, including myself, have experienced the emptiness that you have now but I feel that there is an added dimension to your loss which makes it even more difficult for you to cope with at the moment.
Apart from the sincere help that is offered on this forum, I hope that you will also seek professional medical support because your posts give the impression that you are desperate and need more help than we can give you on here.
We all want you to get through these dark days so you can emerge, hopefully with a kitten on your lap, into the sunshine that is offered on this site. There are many cats and kittens out there, one of which is meowing and waiting patiently just for you.

mightyboosh said:

max6166. Please disregard any or all of this if you think I'm speaking out of turn. You openly and bravely said that you suffer with your mental health so I hope it's Ok to mention it as others have. I work with patients in a hospital that cares for and supports people with mental health issues so although I'm not classed as qualified in a technical sense, I may have a little more insight, due to my experiences, than the lay person as to how your loss is affecting you in particular.
Many people on here, including myself, have experienced the emptiness that you have now but I feel that there is an added dimension to your loss which makes it even more difficult for you to cope with at the moment.
Apart from the sincere help that is offered on this forum, I hope that you will also seek professional medical support because your posts give the impression that you are desperate and need more help than we can give you on here.
We all want you to get through these dark days so you can emerge, hopefully with a kitten on your lap, into the sunshine that is offered on this site. There are many cats and kittens out there, one of which is meowing and waiting patiently just for you.

Click to expand...

Thank you. You are completely correct, mightyboosh. Losing my previous cat many years ago was utterly devastating, but I lived through the pain and somehow went on. My depression now is crippling, however, and when I say my cat was all I had and that he was the only thing that could help me deal with the my suffering, I literally meant it. God violently took my entire support system and best friend, and during a period of the worst crisis and stress of my life.

I have been receiving professional psychiatric treatment for 18 years now, from multiple doctors and hospitals at the same time. I am technically termed "treatment resistant" though, and only receive minimal benefit from medications, rTMS, talk & group therapy, CBT, mindfulness, exercise, etc..

It is one thing to go through a period of depression, even of a few years, but it morphs into something else when it goes on for decades without respite. It changes you, drains you, and robs you of hope. And my outside life alone is a stressful nightmare which even a perfectly healthy person would find pushed them to their limits.

I know this is not the place to discuss mental health issues, so I won't go on, but Sasha was truly my therapy cat. I was so reliant on him to get me through each day. As you all know, a cat is not just a cat; she/he is your cat and unlike any other. After 12 years together, we knew each other and had an intimate rapport and routine. I am always at home so I was always with him; night and day.

I wish there were other effective treatment options for me, but the most effective treatment was my relationship with Sasha. In therapy, when I was at my darkest, my doctors would mention him to cheer me up and show me that I could still experience joy.

Do not worry. I am not going to commit suicide, but I honestly would have without hesitation if it were not for my responsibility to my wife and 18-year-old poodle, Teddy. They need me and I have to look after them.

I am sorry if I wrote too much. Please don't take me too seriously. I am just dumping my pain onto the screen.

Thank you again everyone for taking the time to try to help me through this.

I hope that this is not breaking any rules here, but I am only trying to help you with depression as I too years ago struggled with it, perhaps not to the depths that you are but over the years I have found great relief from a high quality fish oil supplement and also vitamin D3, and when I was very much struggling with anxiety after Sebastian died and some other stressors in my life at the same time my friend in the local health food store told me about Holy Basil, an herb that is an adaptogen, which just helps you feel calm and even though the stress is still there you can deal with it. I have not taken any medicine for many years now for depression, and I think these things as well as drinking lots of water are the reason why.

Again, to the moderators I hope that this is not against the rules by suggesting these things, I am only trying to relate things that have helped me and am not telling him what to do, just putting it out there that some of this might be an option that he doesn't know about.

Thank you....