warning: this is long, but please help. you can skip to the "how he passed" part. im not diagnosed but i believe i have depression, anxiety and ocd with intrusive thoughts, and i've never experienced loss before.
This was Baby Kitty Bo Bitty, I got him in 2011 for Xmas. He was already 2 years old, declawed in his front paws as my mom had picked him up from a PetSmart. When she was walking out to her car a lady stopped her and offered her $200 cash and said, "My daughter's dying from cancer and she really wants a talking cat," but my mom thought it was weird the lady waited until she was out in the parking lot to ask so she said no. I was 14 when she came home with him, and he wasn't my first pet by any means, but he was the first I wanted to devote myself to him completely as his mommy and he my Baby.
For almost 4 years, it was just me and Kitty. This was his personality:
In 2015 I wanted him to have a friend other than me, so I adopted a kitten from a litter off the streets, named him Jax and they became best friends and cuddle buddies. In 2018 I moved in with my fiance who had cats Miss Kitty and Graves, who then had kittens, Zebra and Princess. Not all of these cats got along with each other, but they all got along with Kitty. Kitty was "grandpa" who gave them all kisses and baths, and was the center of cuddles. I had six babies but Kitty was my favorite, he was my priority, he was to be protected at all costs. No more butt spankings because his hips weren't what they used to be. No more play time with the other cats because they all had claws and muscle on them while Kitty was sitting at a healthy 9lbs--the rest all 10 and to 13.
My family would joke that Kitty's almost 12 years old now, how come he's not dead yet? Or, it looks like he's going blind...His whiskers had turned white, he was starting to struggle jumping on the bed. But the vet told me he looked so good for his age, and I knew indoor cats could live to 20. And I never thought Kitty wouldn't. I thought I'd lose him another 8 years from now, peacefully in his sleep. But he'd have been there to meet my children, and they would've loved him like I did. I would spend any amount of money and effort to keep him as long as I could.
So this is how he passed away too soon on Saturday May 29th 2021:
For me, the day started Friday at 9 pm, when I was woken up early by my fiance an hour early before my overnight shift. He sprained his ankle walking our dog, a 4 year old female mixed/Husky breed we had just adopted that Monday. He asked me to help ice his ankle and get him pain meds, so I can't remember petting Kitty. I asked if he wanted to me to call in, but he said he would drive through the pain because we needed the money. We had just signed off on a house and are in the process of closing.
I know that he kept the dog in her cage all night, and Kitty kept him company, "fluffing" his ankle and sleeping by his side all night. I got off work at 7am and received a ride home from a coworker. My fiance was working from home but his ankle hurt too bad to do anything but work at the computer. First thing I did was walk the dog who within the first 5 minutes had made me fall down a muddy hill and almost dislocate my shoulder because of a squirrel. I laughed it off because I was just glad I held onto her leash while I fell.
When I got back inside, I had a sort of argument with my fiance about money. I remember petting Kitty who got irritated with another cat and left, but by the time he came back for more pets I was busy on my phone and pushed him away. Pet him again a bit in the bathroom, but I needed to feed the dog and clean. I fed the dog wet food in a bowl, then some dry food by hand. When a cat got close to us, the dog tried to body block me and eat faster. So at this point I was aware she was protective of her food, but I thought it only meant she would eat faster. In the five days we had her, she hardly acknowledged the cats. Even when Kitty and some other cats slapped her, she hadn't reacted. We were told she didn't get along with other dogs, but she seemed to be respectful to the cats. Kitty even let her get close to him and stopped hiding.
While I cleaned, the dog seemed to sniff around for more food. I remembered the day before she ate so fast she threw up, so I wanted to make sure she was being fed extra. I couldn't give her the rest of the wet food since she needed it for dinner, so I planned to give her another handful of dry. I know Kitty went to the litter box, got some water and was cleaning himself around this time. He had been following me since he heard the can being opened.
I had the oven turned on for my dinner (at 9 in the morning), I was planning to make my fiance food, do laundry because my clothes had gotten muddy in the fall, but the dog was being so cute so I took out a handful of dry food and put it on the floor in front of her. I should've hand fed it like I had been, but I was just trying to multitask. Some of the food spread out on the floor near Kitty and another cat.
I had the thought in my head to push Kitty away from the food. I thought about it making him sick, or that I should get him some food of his own at that moment instead of in a bit. But I felt bad because all week we had to hide the cat food during the day, and Kitty couldn't jump on the counters like the other cats where the food had been kept. So I let him stay smelling at the food.
The dog started to eat but stopped. I thought it was because maybe she wasn't hungry, or didn't like it being all over the floor. But she turned to kitty, back to her food. No growl, no bark, no warning. I thought she would just eat faster, or walk away. And I had that thought to pull Kitty away, but I didn't. I didn't sense the danger.
In an instant the dog had jumped on Kitty. My heart dropped, I started screaming, and I pulled at whatever part of the dog I could to try to pull or push her away. I could feel but I couldn't see because I was so scared to. When I finally saw, my fiance said maybe 15 seconds had passed. He rushed to us as fast as he could with his injury. Threw the dog in her cage.
Kitty was on the floor having a seizure. It's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. There was hardly any blood or signs of external injury. His limbs were contorted like he struggled to move, he was in shock, his mouth and eyes were wide open. He hadn't meowed once during the attack. I picked him up and we rushed to a vet clinic that was right across the street. A 2 minute drive max. They took him in immediately and said they didn't have all the equipment but they would stabilize him so we could get him to an emergency vet.
It all happened in less than 20 minutes. We had to drive back to the house to turn off the gas stove. Fill out the forms for payment and to bring him back if he crashed. They had said there was no bleeding in the lungs or chest, that the scratch was running from his mouth to his cheek and he would need surgery and it looked good. But by the time we returned from the house again, less than 10 minutes...they said there was nothing that could be done. He had internal bleeding in his brain. One pupil was much larger than the other, his eye was bulging out of its socket from the pressure. He would most likely die on the 20 minute trip to the nearest emergency clinic. It would be cruel and inhumane not to put him out of his misery.
I don't know what happened... if he went into cardiac arrest, or the dog banged his head really hard. He didn't look that bad on the outside...and we asked three times if the vets were sure. I pet him and said goodbye to him and I'm sorry. Even in so much pain, he curled his paws like he would fluff me if he could. I pet him until his paws stopped moving and I said a thousand I love you's and then I let them let him pass.
I've been in shock since then. And I keep having thoughts of regret that come and go or get worse. So many things I could've done differently, that would mean he's still here today. He was meant to live to 20.
I didn't end that Friday annoyed with him. He slept by me and got some pets and I apologized to him before I went to bed and said, "I love you, Kitty, I'm sorry I yelled," and I promised him, "Don't be afraid of the dog she's gonna protect us." He didn't spend the night with me like he did my fiance. But the Thursday before we had a really good nap together, he fell asleep under my chin. It wasn't anything new to be annoyed by him, and I know it didn't mean I didn't love him. I just can't remember, if I had this bad thought.... Because that Thursday and Friday I was trying to upload all my photos of him onto my computer, and I was looking through my oldest photos of him. And I can't help but feel like, when he was annoying me during my headache, that I thought, "Kitty can die already, I've got enough photos of him."
It feels like everything was planned so it happed that day. It feels out of my control, but also like it was 100% preventable. My family tells me it wasn't my fault and to forgive myself, that he didn't die just because I yelled at him the day before, but why did it have to happen the way that it did? It feels like what happened wasn't an accident simply caused by a dog's nature, but instead was a situation I allowed because I was distracted, thinking of Kitty last. That if I showed my love to him more that last day, he never would've gotten hurt. "If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."
The thing is I love Kitty with all my heart. I haven't been to work in 2 weeks since I lost him. We got rid of the dog that day, though I feel sorry for her too. I don't blame her, I blame my negligence and ignorance. I don't want the house anymore, I stopped eating. I'm trying to find religion through all of this, but I was always skeptical and it's hard. It's so hard to just accept as an accident. I had promised Kitty the dog was there to protect us. After I had slipped down the hill, I had bragged that I still held on the the leash, that I was a good strong dog and cat mom. Why couldn't I pull the dog off my cat? We live across the street from a vet, why was it still to late to save him?
Why didn't I just push Kitty from the food like my initial instinct? My fiance said because I lacked hindsight, the dog had never shown aggression, we couldn't have known. There was another cat sniffing the food too, why did the dog have to go for Kitty, the senior with no claws who couldn't defend himself? I was mom and I was supposed to defend him. I feel like I failed both of them, I lost 2 babies that day. I'm losing my mind out of guilt because I was responsible for them. I should've never gotten a dog, or such a big one. I can't accept his death because there's so many what-if's, there's so many things I could've changed and he would still be here.
I figured if anyone could be honest with me it would be other cat lovers like myself. It feels like I'm being coddled when I'm told it's not my fault and to forgive myself. I don't want to because Kitty deserved better. He deserved 20 years, he was going to love our new home so much, I was going to get him more cat towers, a catio, stairs for the bed, his own timed food bowl for his senior food. I was just talking that morning about paying off his paw plan and getting him on health insurance next year. He had so much life to live why couldn't I save him?
Just that Thursday, we had severe storm warning in our area. I was home alone with 7 cats (my sister had one) plus a dog. I was so terrified of tornadoes since we are staying in a mobile home--the house is going to have a basement because I didn't know how I'd get them all to a shelter in time. I prayed God to take care of my babies and I thanked him when there was no tornado. All I care about is my babies, and Kitty was above all. It's so hard to remember the almost 10 years I spent with him and not just his last 24 hours.
I've sent him for cremation yesterday and I pet him one last time. My mind just can't accept that he's gone. Why else was I there in that moment if I wasn't meant to save him? My only answer is I would be furious with my fiance if I didn't feel so guilty myself. He was the one who wanted the dog, maybe it has to be this way that I blame myself so he can help me through it. I just miss my baby, the world doesn't make sense now that he's gone. He was too precious to ever be in pain, that's why he was my baby angel Kitty. Can someone tell me how I'm supposed to feel? How do I stop feeling at fault? Should I? I'll never forgive myself for how things were supposed to be different.
Some of my last photos of him. I have over 2 hours of footage of him to watch when I miss him but how do I accept that he's gone when I'm responsible for it.
This was Baby Kitty Bo Bitty, I got him in 2011 for Xmas. He was already 2 years old, declawed in his front paws as my mom had picked him up from a PetSmart. When she was walking out to her car a lady stopped her and offered her $200 cash and said, "My daughter's dying from cancer and she really wants a talking cat," but my mom thought it was weird the lady waited until she was out in the parking lot to ask so she said no. I was 14 when she came home with him, and he wasn't my first pet by any means, but he was the first I wanted to devote myself to him completely as his mommy and he my Baby.
For almost 4 years, it was just me and Kitty. This was his personality:
- he was LOUD. ALWAYS meowing for pets, or at doors (we had to install 3 cat doors throughout the house), or sometimes meowing for nothing which is when I'm not proud to admit I would yell at him to STFU. But he talked so much it really felt like a conversation
- he used to be indoor/outdoor until he seemed to develop arthritis (nothing vets were concerned about) and couldn't jump on counters/tables anymore
- would lead me on walks outside and meow behind his shoulder to make sure I followed, and would run to the door if I yelled Kitty, he knew it was time to come back in
- didn't hate car rides and was very social at the vet
- no zoomies, not very playful, just really needy for attention from anyone--got alone with strangers, children
- obsessive groomer, daily hairballs or throw-up from eating wet food too fast which he LOVED. any can being opened had him running mreow mraow
- would eat/lick anything off my finger but loved yogurt, beans, cheese, chicken, potatoes, eggs etc. liked his water from a cup and on the table like a human
- "fluffed" me on my arms, tummy, thigh, cheek to show me I really was his mommy. especially as he got older, he "pet" me as much as I pet him
- was the "alpha" cat to my grandpa's dog, my sister's cat, and our future cats--kitty ruled the house
In 2015 I wanted him to have a friend other than me, so I adopted a kitten from a litter off the streets, named him Jax and they became best friends and cuddle buddies. In 2018 I moved in with my fiance who had cats Miss Kitty and Graves, who then had kittens, Zebra and Princess. Not all of these cats got along with each other, but they all got along with Kitty. Kitty was "grandpa" who gave them all kisses and baths, and was the center of cuddles. I had six babies but Kitty was my favorite, he was my priority, he was to be protected at all costs. No more butt spankings because his hips weren't what they used to be. No more play time with the other cats because they all had claws and muscle on them while Kitty was sitting at a healthy 9lbs--the rest all 10 and to 13.
My family would joke that Kitty's almost 12 years old now, how come he's not dead yet? Or, it looks like he's going blind...His whiskers had turned white, he was starting to struggle jumping on the bed. But the vet told me he looked so good for his age, and I knew indoor cats could live to 20. And I never thought Kitty wouldn't. I thought I'd lose him another 8 years from now, peacefully in his sleep. But he'd have been there to meet my children, and they would've loved him like I did. I would spend any amount of money and effort to keep him as long as I could.
So this is how he passed away too soon on Saturday May 29th 2021:
For me, the day started Friday at 9 pm, when I was woken up early by my fiance an hour early before my overnight shift. He sprained his ankle walking our dog, a 4 year old female mixed/Husky breed we had just adopted that Monday. He asked me to help ice his ankle and get him pain meds, so I can't remember petting Kitty. I asked if he wanted to me to call in, but he said he would drive through the pain because we needed the money. We had just signed off on a house and are in the process of closing.
I know that he kept the dog in her cage all night, and Kitty kept him company, "fluffing" his ankle and sleeping by his side all night. I got off work at 7am and received a ride home from a coworker. My fiance was working from home but his ankle hurt too bad to do anything but work at the computer. First thing I did was walk the dog who within the first 5 minutes had made me fall down a muddy hill and almost dislocate my shoulder because of a squirrel. I laughed it off because I was just glad I held onto her leash while I fell.
When I got back inside, I had a sort of argument with my fiance about money. I remember petting Kitty who got irritated with another cat and left, but by the time he came back for more pets I was busy on my phone and pushed him away. Pet him again a bit in the bathroom, but I needed to feed the dog and clean. I fed the dog wet food in a bowl, then some dry food by hand. When a cat got close to us, the dog tried to body block me and eat faster. So at this point I was aware she was protective of her food, but I thought it only meant she would eat faster. In the five days we had her, she hardly acknowledged the cats. Even when Kitty and some other cats slapped her, she hadn't reacted. We were told she didn't get along with other dogs, but she seemed to be respectful to the cats. Kitty even let her get close to him and stopped hiding.
While I cleaned, the dog seemed to sniff around for more food. I remembered the day before she ate so fast she threw up, so I wanted to make sure she was being fed extra. I couldn't give her the rest of the wet food since she needed it for dinner, so I planned to give her another handful of dry. I know Kitty went to the litter box, got some water and was cleaning himself around this time. He had been following me since he heard the can being opened.
I had the oven turned on for my dinner (at 9 in the morning), I was planning to make my fiance food, do laundry because my clothes had gotten muddy in the fall, but the dog was being so cute so I took out a handful of dry food and put it on the floor in front of her. I should've hand fed it like I had been, but I was just trying to multitask. Some of the food spread out on the floor near Kitty and another cat.
I had the thought in my head to push Kitty away from the food. I thought about it making him sick, or that I should get him some food of his own at that moment instead of in a bit. But I felt bad because all week we had to hide the cat food during the day, and Kitty couldn't jump on the counters like the other cats where the food had been kept. So I let him stay smelling at the food.
The dog started to eat but stopped. I thought it was because maybe she wasn't hungry, or didn't like it being all over the floor. But she turned to kitty, back to her food. No growl, no bark, no warning. I thought she would just eat faster, or walk away. And I had that thought to pull Kitty away, but I didn't. I didn't sense the danger.
In an instant the dog had jumped on Kitty. My heart dropped, I started screaming, and I pulled at whatever part of the dog I could to try to pull or push her away. I could feel but I couldn't see because I was so scared to. When I finally saw, my fiance said maybe 15 seconds had passed. He rushed to us as fast as he could with his injury. Threw the dog in her cage.
Kitty was on the floor having a seizure. It's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. There was hardly any blood or signs of external injury. His limbs were contorted like he struggled to move, he was in shock, his mouth and eyes were wide open. He hadn't meowed once during the attack. I picked him up and we rushed to a vet clinic that was right across the street. A 2 minute drive max. They took him in immediately and said they didn't have all the equipment but they would stabilize him so we could get him to an emergency vet.
It all happened in less than 20 minutes. We had to drive back to the house to turn off the gas stove. Fill out the forms for payment and to bring him back if he crashed. They had said there was no bleeding in the lungs or chest, that the scratch was running from his mouth to his cheek and he would need surgery and it looked good. But by the time we returned from the house again, less than 10 minutes...they said there was nothing that could be done. He had internal bleeding in his brain. One pupil was much larger than the other, his eye was bulging out of its socket from the pressure. He would most likely die on the 20 minute trip to the nearest emergency clinic. It would be cruel and inhumane not to put him out of his misery.
I don't know what happened... if he went into cardiac arrest, or the dog banged his head really hard. He didn't look that bad on the outside...and we asked three times if the vets were sure. I pet him and said goodbye to him and I'm sorry. Even in so much pain, he curled his paws like he would fluff me if he could. I pet him until his paws stopped moving and I said a thousand I love you's and then I let them let him pass.
I've been in shock since then. And I keep having thoughts of regret that come and go or get worse. So many things I could've done differently, that would mean he's still here today. He was meant to live to 20.
- why did we get a dog?? we already had 6 cats but my fiance wanted a husky. why didn't we wait until we moved into the house? we were going to build a fence in the backyard and keep the cat food out but hidden
- he wanted a husky puppy from a store why didn't i just let him get one? why did i insist on saving a dog from the shelter? they had other puppies there, he wanted a husky so why didn't we just wait for one?
- why didn't i just handfeed the dog like i was originally going to do? why did i allow a situation for her to become defensive over her food? why did i let kitty in that situation? he was so old and had no claws
- WHY DID I GET SUCH A BIG DOG WHEN HE WAS SO OLD?
- why didn't i pull kitty away when the dog stopped eating to look at him? why did i wait for a growl or a bark? why didn't i just KNOW
- why didn't i pull kitty and get him his own food? he was hungry thats why he was there? why was i putting him last?
- why did i blank during the attack? why didn't i grab the dogs collar, or shove my hand in her mouth? ANYTHING TO MAKE HER DROP KITTY. why didn't i research what to do? why was i so scared all i could do was pull on her and scream?
- why didn't we drive away as soon as the vet said they didn't have all the equipment? why did we waste time there? maybe we could've made it to the emergency clinic in time? why didn't we try even though they said he'll probably die in the car ride? why was i so scared for him to die in my arms i didn't even try?
I didn't end that Friday annoyed with him. He slept by me and got some pets and I apologized to him before I went to bed and said, "I love you, Kitty, I'm sorry I yelled," and I promised him, "Don't be afraid of the dog she's gonna protect us." He didn't spend the night with me like he did my fiance. But the Thursday before we had a really good nap together, he fell asleep under my chin. It wasn't anything new to be annoyed by him, and I know it didn't mean I didn't love him. I just can't remember, if I had this bad thought.... Because that Thursday and Friday I was trying to upload all my photos of him onto my computer, and I was looking through my oldest photos of him. And I can't help but feel like, when he was annoying me during my headache, that I thought, "Kitty can die already, I've got enough photos of him."
It feels like everything was planned so it happed that day. It feels out of my control, but also like it was 100% preventable. My family tells me it wasn't my fault and to forgive myself, that he didn't die just because I yelled at him the day before, but why did it have to happen the way that it did? It feels like what happened wasn't an accident simply caused by a dog's nature, but instead was a situation I allowed because I was distracted, thinking of Kitty last. That if I showed my love to him more that last day, he never would've gotten hurt. "If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."
The thing is I love Kitty with all my heart. I haven't been to work in 2 weeks since I lost him. We got rid of the dog that day, though I feel sorry for her too. I don't blame her, I blame my negligence and ignorance. I don't want the house anymore, I stopped eating. I'm trying to find religion through all of this, but I was always skeptical and it's hard. It's so hard to just accept as an accident. I had promised Kitty the dog was there to protect us. After I had slipped down the hill, I had bragged that I still held on the the leash, that I was a good strong dog and cat mom. Why couldn't I pull the dog off my cat? We live across the street from a vet, why was it still to late to save him?
Why didn't I just push Kitty from the food like my initial instinct? My fiance said because I lacked hindsight, the dog had never shown aggression, we couldn't have known. There was another cat sniffing the food too, why did the dog have to go for Kitty, the senior with no claws who couldn't defend himself? I was mom and I was supposed to defend him. I feel like I failed both of them, I lost 2 babies that day. I'm losing my mind out of guilt because I was responsible for them. I should've never gotten a dog, or such a big one. I can't accept his death because there's so many what-if's, there's so many things I could've changed and he would still be here.
I figured if anyone could be honest with me it would be other cat lovers like myself. It feels like I'm being coddled when I'm told it's not my fault and to forgive myself. I don't want to because Kitty deserved better. He deserved 20 years, he was going to love our new home so much, I was going to get him more cat towers, a catio, stairs for the bed, his own timed food bowl for his senior food. I was just talking that morning about paying off his paw plan and getting him on health insurance next year. He had so much life to live why couldn't I save him?
Just that Thursday, we had severe storm warning in our area. I was home alone with 7 cats (my sister had one) plus a dog. I was so terrified of tornadoes since we are staying in a mobile home--the house is going to have a basement because I didn't know how I'd get them all to a shelter in time. I prayed God to take care of my babies and I thanked him when there was no tornado. All I care about is my babies, and Kitty was above all. It's so hard to remember the almost 10 years I spent with him and not just his last 24 hours.
I've sent him for cremation yesterday and I pet him one last time. My mind just can't accept that he's gone. Why else was I there in that moment if I wasn't meant to save him? My only answer is I would be furious with my fiance if I didn't feel so guilty myself. He was the one who wanted the dog, maybe it has to be this way that I blame myself so he can help me through it. I just miss my baby, the world doesn't make sense now that he's gone. He was too precious to ever be in pain, that's why he was my baby angel Kitty. Can someone tell me how I'm supposed to feel? How do I stop feeling at fault? Should I? I'll never forgive myself for how things were supposed to be different.
Some of my last photos of him. I have over 2 hours of footage of him to watch when I miss him but how do I accept that he's gone when I'm responsible for it.