Chai Kitty

[rosegold]

Was cleaning out the cupboard today and found some bittersweet Chai memories that I just can't bring myself to get rid of.

One was a single pill, a sedative, in a little bag from the vet downstairs. I remember that was on a Wednesday - just two days after her first seizure - where I was agonizing over whether to euthanize her downstairs that day at the unfamiliar vet, or wait until Friday with her regular vet. I asked for a sedative so that she wouldn't be so scared when I took her downstairs because those vets aren't very gentle and the place was so big and loud. But, I never used it. I ended up waiting until Friday. I'm so glad I did because I couldn't have asked for a more peaceful euthanasia at our regular vet, and I know she felt much safer with that vet she knew. But seeing that pill just reminded me of how horrible it was, that Wednesday... to see my kitty dying and trying to make the decision of when to end her life... not wanting it to be too soon, or too late... It's not a happy memory but I still couldn't bring myself to throw it away.

The other thing I found was the little "petting stick" that I made and used to tame her. That brings much dearer memories. It was just a short plastic wand toy, with some furry pelt on the end, folded over with a hairband. I remember how nervous she was at first, hissing and swatting at it, flinching and shaking with huge eyes when it touched her... but then how ever so gradually, over weeks, she calmed down... she began to relax while I pet her with it... the first time she stretched her neck out while I rubbed it under her chin... until it became a precious routine for us, where she settled down for a nap and closed her eyes while I used it to stroke her whole body gently. And how I would lay in the bathroom with her for so many hours while we watched tv on my laptop together. I remember how I slowly inched my hand up the stick to start touching her with a finger, then going back to just the stick if she was too nervous. And I remember the day she embraced my touch and I never needed that petting stick again.

The anniversary of adopting her is coming up in about month and I know I'm going to be a mess. When I brought her home in the taxi ride that day, I was already planning how I would celebrate her 1 year gotcha day... and now she's not here. I know that Christmastime is going to be even harder and I think I will always associate Christmas with her death now.

 

[rosegold]

Sometimes I feel like this grieving process has made me such a bad cat mom for my other two. I feel like I peaked as a cat mom when I tamed Chai, and that I'm not a good cat mom anymore or even good with animals anymore. I don't know. I feel a lot of guilt because I can't be emotionally present for them in the way that I used to be. Chilli not so much because she is so steady and resilient, I guess. She is such an easy cat. She really grounds me and calms me, with how consistently easygoing and sweet she is. But Clove is so so so demanding of my attention and so needy and mischievous and loud and active, with so many mood swings, and I find myself getting impatient and frustrated with her way more often than I should. It's not her fault that she is the way she is, and I love her, but sometimes I feel like I can't be the cat mom she deserves. I'm not going to rehome her but sometimes I feel so guilty thinking about how her life might've been if she was raised by someone who could invest emotionally in her and wasn't constantly, albeit unintentionally, comparing her to another cat. I had infinite patience and forgiveness and attention for Chai, who was a way more difficult case, but I feel like I can't harness that same energy and mindset towards a harmless silly kitten like Clove.

I know it's my own residual anxiety issue to some extent. I guess this anxiety is more serious than I had thought, seeing as it's still in full force almost nine months later. If Clove does something potentially dangerous, even a tiny bit, I freak out and imagine the worst possible scenario and overreact. Example: she was chewing on a little piece of tape that is connected to my curtain at the top of the loft, and I imagined the tape coming loose and then her pulling the curtain and the whole curtain falling and Clove jumping off the loft and falling to the ground floor and breaking her leg - so I lunged over and yelled NO and grabbed her and pulled the tape out of her mouth and forced her to go downstairs and taped up the whole thing even more securely, way more panicked than I should've been. I know it's a ridiculous overreaction but I'm just so constantly scared that something terrible and random will happen to them, now that I know that a terrible and random and unpreventable death can strike them at any time. I'm absolutely terrified of house fires or anything like that and every night I rehearse my plan for how I will get my cats out of here if there was a fire in the middle of the night. Even when I'm on my way home from work, I'm thinking - despite myself, almost casually - what I would do if I came home to a sick or injured or dead cat and how I can get to the vet as fast as possible. Whenever I leave the house, I have to quadruple-check every single thing to make sure I didn't forget to put anything away that might hurt them. And of course I'm always hyper analyzing them for any signs of FIP whatsoever. A few months ago I had a situation where I got a text message at work that led me to believe my landlord had gone inside my house for something, and I had a massive panic attack all the way home imagining that my cats escaped (was literally looking on the roads for their dead bodies). They were fine and no one had gone inside my house but since then I've been even more paranoid about my house security.

I never used to be an anxious person and I just hate how it's affecting my ability to be present with my animals. I am in therapy but we haven't really scratched the surface of this yet. I wonder how I can even begin to NOT be anxious about my kitties, though, when I've had such a horrible traumatic experience losing Chai in that way. I think Clove has picked up on my anxiety and has become super skittish when it comes to noises in the house, new people, anything. I'm trying to bond more closely with her but she is not very physically affectionate and doesn't really want to be touched or cuddled, except in the middle of the night she will allow a few pets. She just wants playtime. Which is so opposite of Chai who loved petting so much that I know for sure she would've become a lap cat, if she just had a little more time. I just feel like a terrible cat parent lately and wish I didn't. I know my cats are happy and healthy and their needs are provided for, and that should be enough. But I feel like I spend 50% of my life worrying about my cats in some way, 30% being frustrated/anxious with Clove being Clove, and 20% actually enjoying them.

 

[Lari]

I wish I had words to help you.

 

[Talien]

Sometimes I feel like this grieving process has made me such a bad cat mom for my other two. I feel like I peaked as a cat mom when I tamed Chai, and that I'm not a good cat mom anymore or even good with animals anymore. I don't know. I feel a lot of guilt because I can't be emotionally present for them in the way that I used to be. Chilli not so much because she is so steady and resilient, I guess. She is such an easy cat. She really grounds me and calms me, with how consistently easygoing and sweet she is. But Clove is so so so demanding of my attention and so needy and mischievous and loud and active, with so many mood swings, and I find myself getting impatient and frustrated with her way more often than I should. It's not her fault that she is the way she is, and I love her, but sometimes I feel like I can't be the cat mom she deserves. I'm not going to rehome her but sometimes I feel so guilty thinking about how her life might've been if she was raised by someone who could invest emotionally in her and wasn't constantly, albeit unintentionally, comparing her to another cat. I had infinite patience and forgiveness and attention for Chai, who was a way more difficult case, but I feel like I can't harness that same energy and mindset towards a harmless silly kitten like Clove.

I know it's my own residual anxiety issue to some extent. I guess this anxiety is more serious than I had thought, seeing as it's still in full force almost nine months later. If Clove does something potentially dangerous, even a tiny bit, I freak out and imagine the worst possible scenario and overreact. Example: she was chewing on a little piece of tape that is connected to my curtain at the top of the loft, and I imagined the tape coming loose and then her pulling the curtain and the whole curtain falling and Clove jumping off the loft and falling to the ground floor and breaking her leg - so I lunged over and yelled NO and grabbed her and pulled the tape out of her mouth and forced her to go downstairs and taped up the whole thing even more securely, way more panicked than I should've been. I know it's a ridiculous overreaction but I'm just so constantly scared that something terrible and random will happen to them, now that I know that a terrible and random and unpreventable death can strike them at any time. I'm absolutely terrified of house fires or anything like that and every night I rehearse my plan for how I will get my cats out of here if there was a fire in the middle of the night. Even when I'm on my way home from work, I'm thinking - despite myself, almost casually - what I would do if I came home to a sick or injured or dead cat and how I can get to the vet as fast as possible. Whenever I leave the house, I have to quadruple-check every single thing to make sure I didn't forget to put anything away that might hurt them. And of course I'm always hyper analyzing them for any signs of FIP whatsoever. A few months ago I had a situation where I got a text message at work that led me to believe my landlord had gone inside my house for something, and I had a massive panic attack all the way home imagining that my cats escaped (was literally looking on the roads for their dead bodies). They were fine and no one had gone inside my house but since then I've been even more paranoid about my house security.

I never used to be an anxious person and I just hate how it's affecting my ability to be present with my animals. I am in therapy but we haven't really scratched the surface of this yet. I wonder how I can even begin to NOT be anxious about my kitties, though, when I've had such a horrible traumatic experience losing Chai in that way. I think Clove has picked up on my anxiety and has become super skittish when it comes to noises in the house, new people, anything. I'm trying to bond more closely with her but she is not very physically affectionate and doesn't really want to be touched or cuddled, except in the middle of the night she will allow a few pets. She just wants playtime. Which is so opposite of Chai who loved petting so much that I know for sure she would've become a lap cat, if she just had a little more time. I just feel like a terrible cat parent lately and wish I didn't. I know my cats are happy and healthy and their needs are provided for, and that should be enough. But I feel like I spend 50% of my life worrying about my cats in some way, 30% being frustrated/anxious with Clove being Clove, and 20% actually enjoying them.

I'd imagine most people would be having similar feelings after going through something that traumatic. It's just going to take time, probably a lot of time, but eventually you will get to the point where you aren't constantly thinking about and planning for something terrible happening. It will never completely go away and that's actually a good thing, it will make you more attentive to little things that you would otherwise miss. Sometimes you will notice things that could be dangerous. You'll probably stop and stare at whatever it is, then either put it away, throw it out, or fix it, and then you'll feel relief that it's not going to cause any harm.

From some of the pictures you post it looks like Clove and Chili get along really well so she's not exactly starved for attention. Yes it would help if you weren't so anxious, but you're doing right by yourself and them by getting counseling.

If you've made some close friends there try spending more time with them. Go out, have fun, do something to take your mind off things even if it's only for a little while. You'll probably feel guilty at first but it will help you to get back to something resembling "normal".

 

[rosegold]

Clove and Chili get along really well

Yes, they do and that is really comforting. They play all day long and groom each other and have even started sleeping near each other. I know Chilli is much better off having Clove as a companion after losing her friend Chai, so it does make me glad to see that they have each other and that they coexist so peacefully.

If you've made some close friends there try spending more time with them. Go out, have fun, do something to take your mind off things even if it's only for a little while. You'll probably feel guilty at first but it will help you to get back to something resembling "normal".

Yeah, I am trying to force myself to spend more time with friends outside the house. Sometimes Clove makes me feel like I'm chained to the house and I do feel bad for leaving, because she's so attached to me following me and yelling for attention every second I'm home. But at least she has Chilli so she's not totally alone when I'm gone.

 

[tarasgirl06]

rosegold I am so very sorry for your loss. There have been so MANY losses in my life, starting with my paternal grandfather when I was 6. I have PTSD and have experienced quite a few pretty tough things in my life, so I do empathize. But through all of this, I guess I have become stronger (as in "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger") and for some reason, more positive with every challenge. Another thing I do now is to look at the very big picture and stay focused on things outside myself as much as possible. When I do that, I see how anyone can have anything happen to them, at any time, for any reason or no reason; so for me, anyway, it's crucial to treasure every moment and each of my loved ones, family and friends, for who they are. Sometimes I try to look at myself and imagine myself how others might see me, too, and I know that at times people may find me a tough nut, so to speak. Inside that exterior is someone who has deep feelings, loyalties, loves and fierceness. There have been many times when I thought I couldn't survive my losses/traumas. But I have. So here I am, doing the best I can, which is far from perfect, but I don't stop. And if I seem harsh at times, the real bottom line is that I love deeply.
So what I'm saying here is that although your beloved Chai is up there watching over you all until you are reunited, Chilli and Clove need you here and now; they love you and each other, and you're giving them a GOOD life. It could be better, maybe? but it could be a whole lot worse.

 

[di and bob]

How very true, everything tarasgirl06 said above, you HAVE to look at the bigger piucture and at what other people see when they look at you in order to survive. To live with such excruciating pain, such a living nightmare, is not sustainable forever. I believe in that old saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I am living proof. We have to concentrate on what we have at this very moment. We have our memories to comfort us, but it is up to us to make this life worth living, by loving life and the day to day joys it can bring, if we just let it......

 

[rubysmama]

Hopefully like when grieving the loss of a human family member, things will get a tad easier after you pass the one year mark and all the anniversaries/holidays.

 

[Antonio65]

Hopefully like when grieving the loss of a human family member, things will get a tad easier after you pass the one year mark and all the anniversaries/holidays.

Things aren't getting better for me, though. The pain for the loss of my beloved cats is still killing me, after two years and a half for Lola, and more than a year for Pallina.
I feel my life so void and useless
Nothing has a meaning around me, and I have lost interest in nearly everything.

 

[rubysmama]

Antonio65 : I'm so sorry you're still suffering so greatly from the loss of your beloved cats. I hope you have people in your life to help you through this, whether it be family, friends or professionals in health care.

 

[Antonio65]

Antonio65 : I'm so sorry you're still suffering so greatly from the loss of your beloved cats. I hope you have people in your life to help you through this, whether it be family, friends or professionals in health care.

rubysmama , I haven't many people around to tell them what I feel, and those who I have talked to are probably sick and tired to hear me still talking of the same thing after so a long time.
So, right now, the only person who is still bearing with me is my wife.
I have no trust at all in doctors and things like that, so talking to a professional isn't an option.

Not a single day has gone by without me talking of my cats at least once a day, telling people what I did for my kitties, showing them a photo or a video, or telling them stories.
The last time was about two hours ago with a workmate of mine, the time before that was last night with a person who was adopting a kitten from me, and on Sunday, on Saturday morning, on Friday morning, and so on.
I am aware that this won't help me at all.

 

[rubysmama]

So, right now, the only person who is still bearing with me is my wife.
I have no trust at all in doctors and things like that, so talking to a professional isn't an option.

I'm glad you have your wife, but I suspect she is worried about you. And I understand not wanting to see a doctor, but sometimes we have no choice when we are unable to cure ourselves.

 

[rosegold]

Antonio65 so sorry you are struggling so much. I hope you can find a compassionate and trustworthy doctor. I suffered from severe depression a few years ago and I know how hard it is, especially when many people are not understanding about the loss of a pet.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Things aren't getting better for me, though. The pain for the loss of my beloved cats is still killing me, after two years and a half for Lola, and more than a year for Pallina.
I feel my life so void and useless
Nothing has a meaning around me, and I have lost interest in nearly everything.

I am so sorry to hear this, Antonio65 and I empathize, having gone through so many partings myself. Those who talk about "closure" IMHO do not know what they are talking about, or are very shallow indeed. In my experience, there IS no "closure" -- there is always a void that remains empty in this life. My personal beliefs are that we will reunite with our beloveds in due time, never again to part. I also believe they watch over us while we are separated, from beyond the Veil. But it is very difficult to go on day after month after year, without their physical presences. For me, I am comforted by looking at their photos in happier times and just remembering how it was when they were here.
Are there any ways in which you are able to feel comforted, ever? I hope and pray that, if there are not presently, there will be. Perhaps another sweet kitten or cat, or even more than one, will make his/her needs known, which you may be able to help with. NEVER as "replacement" but as sharing that love, which goes on and on, and which I feel all of our beloved ones would want us to share, as we have with them.

 

[danteshuman]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss! Reading your many posts about Chai I got to know her a bit ..... and I’m thankful for that.

 

[Antonio65]

Antonio65 so sorry you are struggling so much. I hope you can find a compassionate and trustworthy doctor. I suffered from severe depression a few years ago and I know how hard it is, especially when many people are not understanding about the loss of a pet.

Thanks rosegold , but as I wrote in my post, looking for help from a doctor is the last thing I would do.
I also think that no doctor could really help me, because I wouldn't be able to tell them how I exactly feel.

 

[Antonio65]

I am so sorry to hear this, Antonio65 and I empathize, having gone through so many partings myself. Those who talk about "closure" IMHO do not know what they are talking about, or are very shallow indeed. In my experience, there IS no "closure" -- there is always a void that remains empty in this life.

This is so true, if I look at things from my perspective.
There's a big hole in my life, and nothing in the world could fill it.

Are there any ways in which you are able to feel comforted, ever? I hope and pray that, if there are not presently, there will be. Perhaps another sweet kitten or cat, or even more than one, will make his/her needs known, which you may be able to help with. NEVER as "replacement" but as sharing that love, which goes on and on, and which I feel all of our beloved ones would want us to share, as we have with them.

Currently I have a new kitten home. I found her at the beginning of July, she was wandering among the garbage, she is very sweet, loving, amazingly affectionate. I believe she had been dumped, because she's very used to everything is in the house, and the litterbox was no mistery to her from the first minute. She's going to turn 3 months old.
She loves me to bits, I love her so much, but the love I have for her is, probably, one hundredth of the love I had for my Rainbow Kitties.
And I keep making comparisons between her and them.
And there are moments when I don't know if I want to keep her, because she would use the same spaces and spots that were my cats'.
I feel guilty...

 

[danteshuman]

Don’t feel guilty! You love your new kitty but it is a new relationship and you haven’t built that strong of a relaxation ship yet.

I met/fostered Jackie before my beloved Dante died, and well I love him but Dante was like my best friend! I didn’t realize how deeply l fell in love with Jackie until Jackie ate some string!!! I realized I had bonded with the kitten a lot more than I thought.

 

[tarasgirl06]

This is so true, if I look at things from my perspective.
There's a big hole in my life, and nothing in the world could fill it.



Currently I have a new kitten home. I found her at the beginning of July, she was wandering among the garbage, she is very sweet, loving, amazingly affectionate. I believe she had been dumped, because she's very used to everything is in the house, and the litterbox was no mistery to her from the first minute. She's going to turn 3 months old.
She loves me to bits, I love her so much, but the love I have for her is, probably, one hundredth of the love I had for my Rainbow Kitties.
And I keep making comparisons between her and them.
And there are moments when I don't know if I want to keep her, because she would use the same spaces and spots that were my cats'.
I feel guilty...

Well, I can relate to what you are saying about how you feel about the kitten, Antonio65 . When our beloved Queen Simba ascended, I was lying next to her on the carpet, my hand between hers. She had been my soul mate for many years, since she first appeared outside the apartment I lived in at the time, skinny, covered in sores and starving. It was a no-'pets' building, so for quite some time I would go out into the parking lot and wait for her and feed her there. *Marley, rescued as a tiny kitten, was already inside with me* When Simba got treed one time, she came inside, too. King Sunny came along some time later, and we were five -- my ex and me and three.
So when Simba left us, I did not plan on adopting, but our vet tech told me about a kitten she had found on the street with her sister. She adopted the sister. Did I want to see her? No, I said, but I did go and see her, and I felt Simba's presence telling me to adopt this kitten and give her the love I had shared with her. Absolutely Simba would do this, coming from such a hard life as she had.
When I got the kitten home and looked at her, she seemed to have such a remote expression. She acted wild, not affectionate. All I knew was that she needed a loving permanent home and that I could, and would, provide it.
Beloved Rani turned out to have many of the same personality traits as Simba. We grew very close in time. And when she ascended, three years ago, she left a huge void that has never been filled.
We will all be reunited, I know.
And when my oldest friend contacted me not long after Rani left, telling me about a cat who needed a loving permanent home, I ended up adopting Elvis.
Love just goes on and on and on. It never stops. And it is immeasurable.

 

[rosegold]

I really hope that, with time to heal (and when I have the opportunity), I will be able to foster or adopt another semi-feral cat and work with socializing it again. Socializing Chai was something that I just loved so much, something that suited me and my personality perfectly, and certainly the most rewarding thing I've ever experienced. My parents always tell the story of when I was 4-5 years old and we'd just moved into a new house with a feral cat community next door... apparently I'd spend hours and hours outside, super-focused and sitting patiently in the grass, and taming the feral kittens with treats. I did this every day and the kittens slowly started to trust me, and the day I finally got to pet "Little Grey" was the best day of my toddler life!

Last night I was still really sad, but I was just thinking about how incredibly relieved I am that Chai did come out of her shell before she passed. I still would've loved her just as much and it still would've been painful, had she passed away still hiding in that box without ever trusting humans (or god forbid passed away at the shelter)... but thank god that wasn't true! Being able to cuddle her and hold her like a baby and kiss her on the face as she passed away comfortably in my arms is something that, while heartbreaking, was unforgettably special to me. The transformation she underwent was so beautiful and amazing, and I have to remember that she DID get a chance to live a wonderful life, albeit a short one, before she left. That day that she first let me pet her (and rubbed back on my hand) brings me to happy tears every time I think about it. I don't think I'd ever felt more pure joy than in that moment. Even the tiniest moments of progress, like the first time she slow blinked at me, still fill me with so much love when I think about them. Those few months with Chai before she got sick feel like an amazing, perfect dream that I unfortunately had to wake up from.

I want to do it again, and help another shy kitty get the life they deserve... but I just wonder if I could ever pour the same love and passion into a new cat, or if I would be constantly haunted by what happened last time and miss Chai too much.